It’s 2014, y’all!

Don’t read too much enthusiasm into that title.

 

I feel like I just climb out of a deep well of despair and anxiety.

Today was a terrible day. I slept later than I planned. I didn’t have all the ingredients for breakfast. I spilt juice on the floor. I broke my shower. I got lost on the way to pick up my new cellphone. Lost in a parking lot. I nearly spilled lunch on it before I got it charged. I jacked up my WiFi. My cat got banned from any room that had workers because she misbehaves and they think she has rabies. My uncle thought my Facebook post was an invitation to chat. My old phone won’t update my new phone’s address book. I didn’t get 60% of my chores done today.

 

And my phone rediscovered an old douchebag boyfriend’s phone number.

I tried to breathe through it and find all the silver linings but it sucked. I work in the morning and I hope I have clean socks. I’ve thought about smoking all day.

I just want to close my eyes and watch SGU on my eyelids. We should have that technology by now.

Also, my face is peeling off. I hate February allergies.

The word of the day is “inappropriate” because of everything.

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Dating over 30 — #14

So, I played hooky. I know tomorrow is my official day off but I’m exhausted and I needed a full weekend because I plan on working a lot in the near future. As much as my body will let me. And I’m going to ramp up my housekeeping skills. So, I need to plan and get a head start.

I reactivated some of my profiles. I don’t know if I’m ready but I need to make a change. I was scolling through the messages I hadn’t read. There are some gems.

“Do you have an extra heart, mine seems to have been stolen.”

“If life was a book, you’d be the fine print!”

Cheesy but about what I expected. One of the sites registers popularity and my rose without me doing a damn thing. It’s a little creepy.

I’m trying to just be honest with myself. I have a little crush on a person I know. He’s generally accepted as an asshole and it’s a deterrent but I feel a spark. No clue if he does because I suck at that stuff. I’ve been burned by younger guys before. I just figure I’ll enjoy the company while I have it.

Really, I just want a guy who treats me nice and has something else to do while I’m writing or reading a book and is not going to freak out that I put Finger Eleven, Bob Seger, Madilyn Bailey and The Civil Wars in the same playlist. Cause that’s totally going to happen all the time. I’m going to listen to Harry Potter soundtracks while I read about zombies. I’m going to write about dragons while I watch SVU. I’m going to talk about Supernatural and Defiance for hours. I’m going to recount the events of The Women of The Otherworld. I’m going to rant about Tony Romo and cheer on the Cowboys. I’m going to cry when I watch Sunshine. I will not allow anything Twilight related in my home. Gonna make popcorn to read books. Gonna put onions and jalapenos in anything I can get away with. Same goes for Hatch chile. The coffee’s going to be hot and black. I’m going to eat lemons all by themselves, jalapenos too. Gonna tuck myself into a corner and enjoy the scenery. Gonna hide in the bathroom when my anxiety runs too high. Gonna wear my Captain America shirt in public all the damn time. I’ll lose weight when I’m good and ready and not a moment sooner and certainly not for anyone else’s benefit.

Too tall an order? We’ll see.

Days off

Yet another day off and yet another day of not wanting to move or do anything that could be considered productive. I am in significant pain today… and for the last few days. Lumbar pain, cyatica, migraines and yet I hae felt more like myself than I have in over a year.

I’ll do anything to keep it this way.

I just finished reading 2001: A Space Odyssey for the first time. I’ve never seen the move. It wasn’t what I thought it would be but I can see the fingerprints it left over everything else I love. And I did catch the John Carter reference and I reveled in it. I love to read. I never stopped but I forgot how to enjoy it. I feel like maybe I should reread some books in the last couple of years to give them a new chance with my newly revived brain.

Today, I’ll try not to aggravate my aching bones so much. I’ll try not to convince myself that I have West Nile. I’ll try to be in the moment with the things I am doing. Maybe I’ll call my father this evening and catch up and not feel like I’m putting on a show for him. When I say I’m okay, I’ll really mean it.

I find myself thinking of my relationship with my father a lot these days. It’s not as close as it could be. When Mom was alive, she was the buffer and the link. Without her, all of us just kind of spun away from each other and he’s drawing us back. He doesn’t really know how and unfortunately for him, the woman he married has set forth a barrier that none of us are willing to cross, even for our father’s sake. I, personally, will treat no woman like a queen unless she’s shown she deserves it. Kindness, generosity and patience. The woman has shown her husband’s children none and express we should treat her as if she raised us. We were all grown and moved away when they married.

Dad wasn’t around much. My parents had a happy marriage but as a welder, you get more money for away gigs than you do from sticking around the home base. Four children meant he spent most of his time making sure he could feed and clothe us and pay for my mother’s medical bills. I remember the holidays. He saved his sick leave for times when we would all be together.

I remember holiday spent at barbecues and family gatherings with Dad supervising the wild antics of kids tumbling everywhere. I remember quiet afternoons learning to play poker and 21. Some of my favorites are not even things I can remember. I have pictures of Dad reading to me, indulging my toothless carpet antics. I hear the stories from my older sister who was 7 when I came into the world. I remember New Year’s Eve with Twilight Zone marathons. My Barbies were always outfitted with cardboard mansions and a blue ’57 Chevy. My She-Ra collection an indulgence because he didn’t like me playing with brother’s He-Man toys.

These days we chat about the weather, whichever desert he’s working in, what I put up with at work… my physical health. We don’t talk about his wife or, by silent agreement, my love life. He’ll fill me on in whatever he’d gleaned about my brother… because my sister-in-law hates my stepmother a whole of a lot more than I do. Sometimes he’ll tell me about  a movie she made him watch. Sometimes, I’m amused like the time she got him to watch Lars and the Real Girl. Or when he told me about the time he took a picture with a drag queen at the New York Pride Parade (my father is homophobic and I’m really surprised he didn’t punch anyone).

I teach him Lauren’s name because he keeps calling her Logan. He really thought, in hindsight, she was a boy and I have no clue why. She’s very clearly a woman and spent my entire surgery with him last year.

My father has given me a lot. My work ethic. My kindness. My generosity. My love of westerns and sci-fi (though mine now delves deeper than his ever did). My love of reading. My pragmatism. My romanticism. My coloring. My complexion. My love of the desert. My impatience with felines. My obsession with making sure the tops of my bread align in my sandwich. My inability to drink any liquid during the meal. My respect for anyone who wears a uniform.

The man has his flaws. He’s only learning how to speak to us. He has a temper and it has come out in inopportune times. I get my cutting remarks from that fire. His utter bafflement of dating (I share this. He really has no clue how much my mother ran that show). It took him a long time to realize that his children are not him.

I live far away from my family as it’s necessary for my sanity. When I’m in the midst of all of them, I feel like I’m drowning. Far away, I can breathe and I can be me and I can love them for who they are. I love the time we have when we’re together. Board games and movies while we catch up, work on whatever family function and give each other our time. Time is really all we have to give our loved ones. Time together, time to be ourselves and let everyone be themselves. I can be annoyed all I want at my siblings choices but those choices are what make them who they are and who I love.

I miss my family but really, we all are where we need to be in order to be who we want to be.

And so, with memories, love and support… I shall continue to be a nervous wreck until such time that I can convince myself that I am exactly who I need to be.

Did I ever climb out of this hole?

I’m still not out of the deep, dark hole I fell in but I am seeing the light. You can’t force it. You can’t fight it. You just learn to roll with it until you can breathe like a normal(ish) human being again.

I’m meeting a potential new roommate tonight so I have a lot of work to do today. I have to clean the damn house and do it much better than I have been. Good thing I just finished steeping that orange-vinegar that does everything. I watched it go this morning. Bleach didn’t even touch the stubborn tomato seeds but the orange-vinegar got ’em with just about 20 seconds of soaking in it.

Last couple of days I’ve been laughing my head off at parodies. About things I love, about things I hate, about things I had no clue about.

Enjoy with me and a hot cup of coffee and this lovely rainy weather:

1. Batman Maybe = Best Summary of The Dark Knight Rises ever

2. Sing Talk = Best Summary of Kesha EVER

3. White N Nerdy = Weird Al doing what he does

4. Man Boobs = Key of Awesome doing what they do

5. We’re Not Young = Way better than We Are Young

6. Girlfriend = Creepy girlfriend version

7. We Can’t Stop = the algorithm of Cyrus

8. Jewish And You Know It = Cause the original didn’t make me laugh nearly as much as this does

9. Someone Like You = Alternate look at Adele’s songbook

10. Man of Steel = I still haven’t seen the movie but the bar was set pretty high

 

There are loads more but no one should be glued to YouTube like I have been this week. Mostly filling time til those Elysium interviews pop up and really until that movie comes out. I’m saving my $7 for that.

Boredom, Listlessness and Tunes

I’ve been so bored and listless that almost nothing is entertaining for long unless I find some way to be fanatic about it. The only thing I’ve hit with gusto? Burn Notice marathon. I’m officially one episode from being caught up and it’s been… three weeks? I watched the whole damn thing. Maybe I wasn’t paying full attention but it’s one of those shows where you can get away with it.

Truly. Narration, plot, intro to sub-plot, narration, narration, shooting, narration, explosion, sub-plot wrapped up, new twist in plot.

Jeffrey Donovan always seems to wince when he smiles but is pretty good at pretending to be other people while acting as Mike Westen.

Anyway. My new neighbor is LOUD. She sticks her kids in the apartment then steps out onto the breezeway to have shouting matches with her mother, best friend, ex-husband and sister. I know way too much about her divorce. I’ve never actually laid eyes on the woman. I just need her to shut up and stop being so vile.

I’ve tried a few things. I bought a radio. First one I’ve own and used in years, literally. I just don’t listen to the radio enough because it makes me want to gouge my eyes out. I have an MP3 library but my computer is starting to crap out. It’s got an auxiliary so I can listen the way I’m used to but is more portable than my non-lap laptop.

I keep forgetting my google password and am disgusted with the new ones. It’s a never ending cycle.

I did read an entire book in three days. I was actually disappointed it took me so long. I’m rusty.

I’ve tried writing… or editing things I’ve written. No gusto. I could damage it irreparably if I keep at it.

I wanted to reject a roommate applicant for misspelling “were” as “ware”. I forgave him as he sent the message at midnight. I still don’t know if I want to do that except that I’m tired and I think there’s a high chance I just need to bite the bullet and get a body in there that will pay some bills.

Anyway. Tomorrow the plan is to sleep and do laundry. I think. We’ll see.

Tunes for my daily commute:

Defiance

I’ve been watching this show. I find it fascinating. It’s not for everyone. Nearly every character has some major flaws that makes them almost unlikeable. They also have some pretty charismatic actors to portray them. Some trade off.

This idea of a show on an Earth that is no longer like the Earth we see around us. That some characters still remember as the lavish world of comfort is pretty damn interesting. Lots of in-jokes that date the characters “If you don’t play “shiny happy people” you’re fired.”

Our human leaders – White, Native American, White – Ironic that the NA is the one with the biggest hate-on for the other races.

The premise is that sometime in the near future aliens come. They’ve fled their home system because a rogue star colliding with their home star was going to kill them all. So, five races held their own versions of lottery/selective passage/snuck aboard and set off for the nearest habitable planet. They had all sorts of tools to make the transition to a new system easier. Namely Terra-forming technology. Naturally, there’s a war because we don’t want them here. Ships get destroyed, terra-forming do-dads get loose on earth. The entire landscape changes. Literally. All Over The Earth.

In this world of the aftermath. After the wars are over. After the races have decided to get on with their lives. After. After. After. The survivors are trying to keep themselves alive. They’re using wreckage of the ships, rubble of cities and the scraps of the world before to move on. Adults remember the worlds that were but the children have never known anything different from the desert wasteland that is Earth.

Humans have their baggage. The aliens have their baggage. All the baggage gets in the way of the cooperation of the races. Sound a tad familiar?

I find myself getting lost in thought a lot while watching the show. Just watching how the races interact with each other. The war has come and gone and the survivors are trying to survive but they keep making the mistakes that we’ve tried to overcome.

The episode I watched today dealt with plague and racism. Every episode deals with racism.

Irisa, the Irathient, raised by a human because crappy parents are a universal issue.

They gathered all the members of one race, the Irathients, in the town and stuck them in the mines. One of these unfortunate individuals stated “You know they’re going to gas us.” Or something to that effect.

Makes me wonder why we don’t learn. Ever. I mean we’re forced to read about atrocities in school. We remember the ones that are the most horrific, the most talked about. Everyone can tell you something about the Holocaust and American Slavery. Some people will be able to give you some tidbits about the Trail of Tears. Almost no one I know can tell you anything about the “deportations” of Mexicans through out time. Sure, sure, recent history but back when Texas was a newly claimed territory, the natives were sent “home” to a land most of them had never known. No one talks about that. It’s still a pretty hot button issue.

If you don’t think so, just watch me go when I’ve been waiting in line with racist rednecks for any length of time. They love to ask me where I’m from and they get pissy when my answer never changes. I’m from Texas. My folks are from Texas, their folks are from Texas, mostly. One of my grandmothers is from Colorado. One of her parents is from Mexico. My dad’s father’s people… about eight generations ago, came over on a boat. From Spain. The wife in that duo was from France but one of her folks was from England.

See, I’m just as mixed up as everyone else in this country. I get a lot of shit cause my skin is brown. Also… I have to check like three boxes on any census because there is no single box for me. (Native American, Hispanic-Mexican, this last one is usually a two-parter).

So, maybe I identity with the issues that are on parade every week on Sci-Fi… or SyFy. SyFy is a stupid name for a network, by the way. It makes me sad that the reason I love this show so much is that it seems to be a pretty accurate depiction of what would happen if we were given more people to hate. It’s not like we’re all that friendly to the people we’ve already got on this planet, forget adding some more.

Castithans who, guess what, are run by a caste system which has not had a lower class caste in millenia.

Every week, someone is hating on the Irathients and the Castithans feel snubbed and put upon because no one cares how important they used to be. Everyone lives in the dirt. THOUGH, the Castithans seem to have the richest digs I’ve ever seen. The upper-caste Castithans, that is. Everyone else lives in hovels.

Occasionally, we meet some of the ‘lesser’ races who just kind of go with the flow.

Sensoths are long-lived, strong and steady and don’t seem to give a shit about everyone else’s politics.

 

Liberata are the long-suffering servants of the universe, serving in order to atone for the greedy atrocities of their racial past. Not at all cryptic.

Indogenes are technologically advanced. You name it, they built it… and some other things you have no idea about.

Not all of it is about surviving each other. The war left some things behind. Weapons and things people would rather forget. Imagine if cockroaches mutated so that they not only carried disease but could grow to elephant size and chew through you if they felt like it? I know! Or the biological experiments created for warfare were found to have sentience and could not be simply decommissioned? I know! I did mention that some races snuck aboard ships? Yeah. Gremlins with a sense of purpose in destroying everything.

Biomen – Earth Defense project with no one left to manage.

Volge are the assholes of the new world. They just love tearing shit apart. You name and they were probably part of destroying it.

No Sci-Fi show is without its cliches but I really do like shows that are grounded. I love that this show is on Earth. Just like Earth: Final Conflict which had aliens arrive in a peaceful manner, to an Earth in a not too far off future, only to be subverted by the politics of alien history and warfare. Firefly that was gone and removed from Earth-that-was but held people living like people Old Western-style and also in highly advanced arenas because we all know that wealth is not universal.

Farmers, miners, prostitutes, lawmen. Rollers, coaches. Hellbugs, Volge attacks. Spirit Riders of two varieties. Castithans of multiple castes, a wide range of Earth politicians (complete with an evil bitch). It can be confusing. Understanding the entire show is not possible without a crib sheet. Enjoying it on a weekly basis is still possible.

Nolan, the human-former soldier, raising his teenage daughter Irisa, an Irathient rescued from a cult, is all perfect normal television these days. Irisa trying to understand a heritage she doesn’t know is extremely relevant these days. The McCawley-Tarr power struggles are pretty awesome since the daughter of the one and the son of the other are in love. The mad hate-on those families have for each other is pretty awesome (I always love me some Graham Greene). The lovely mayor is the older sister of the sultry madame and both are pretty taken with the new lawkeeper. The town doc has her secrets. The former mayor is in on some conspiracy. The McCawleys are up to their ears in mystery. The Tarrs are dying to get all the power they can. Earth Republic wants the mines and they don’t like the mayor.

Diseases and cult religions. Fanatics. Strange customs. Sounds like any major city on Earth now.

Heroes are in small supply.

Fear is always under the surface.

Doing what is right has changed.

It is cheesy on most occasions. Irathients come off as very gypsy-like in some episodes, other episodes American Tribe-like and always war-like. Stereotypes run rampant. All you have to do is look and you can figure out who ranks above who. It is entertaining. I stress this because we tend to pick shows apart mercilessly and forget their purpose.

There are loads of shows that I don’t watch because if I wanted to watch that, I’d step outside and participate in the nonsense outside my front door and I’d laugh a whole lot less. I tend to park in front of Sci-Fi shows, Spy shows and serial killer shows. Does it help that I can learn and think while watching a show? Yes, it does.

 

Defiance is a television show on SyFy and owned by NBC Universal. All images were found at SyFy.com.

Why can’t I stop ?

I quit smoking June 1, 2011. Thanksgiving 2011, I picked up an ecigarette to deal with fallout of the family get-together and a stupid romantic entanglement that went awry. But I have not picked up a real cigarette in all this time.

Now, I’ve had some issues with the ecigarette. I lost the rechargeable battery. I purchased a single use ecigarette. I lost it. Then found it.
Then lost it. Then I moved. I found it. It died two days ago.

So, I’m stressed out at work. I’m stressed about bills. I’m stressed about being single. My anxiety threatens to ruin my day about four times a week. My allergies and food sensitivities are threatening to kill me.

I just want a cigarette. A real one. I have to avoid convenience stores. I have to only go places that don’t sell my brand and avoid my enablers. I’m not supposed to smoke because it could hinder nerve healing.

When do the cravings stop? I mean, really.