Help.

So exhausted.

Shortly after my last post, my coworker Gloria got sick. She missed a couple of days. I stepped up, like I do, and made sure everything got done. She came back and a day later, she got into a wreck. she didn’t miss work, though she should have but she wasn’t at full capacity. It’s fine. Then a few days she ended up in the hospital. She’s fine, now. Had surgery and in recovery. I’ve been making sure that everyday there is a manager or myself on duty. I am not a manager.

The last three weeks have been hell. To the fair the first week was just stressful and I had to pick up an extra day because our manager is also the vice president and he’s been taking on more duties in the VP capacity, takes him off site more and more. Our assistant manager is lazy as fuck and does literally as little as possible and he took a day. So that was workday 6 and the only member of management on the floor. The following week, I didn’t work extra but lazy fucktard of an assistant manager and our manager performing VP duties and that turned out to be because his stepmother’s mother passed and so… yeah, death stuff.

This past week was just HELL. I had to work a 6th day. I’m so tired. Mostly everything was okay until Wednesday. Events: A overnight dispatcher was frustrated about the events of the night, so I sent an email to HR on his behalf. A dispatcher didn’t find their schedule printed and waiting per usual. He only asked one person and that person was too busy to look. He sent an email to the entire company that basically stated a supervisor in the field didn’t do their job. I don’t know about this for HOURS because no one told me. When I did find out, it was after the owner took care of it himself. I tell the truth. “My fault. Usually it’s there, I didn’t check, I will from now on.” I didn’t names though I could have. I just chalked up that I got complacent that other people would do their jobs but the person who normally did it was off that night and the other people in charge couldn’t be bothered. Next, I was building a case for the dismissal of a person who just don’t have what it takes to do this job at the level that’s expected. I was yelled at for allowing a person who had been a temp to get hired on. I don’t like getting yelled at for something I didn’t do. As infuriating as my manager can be, I don’t like him getting yelled at if he didn’t do it (I’ve rather enjoyed him getting yelled at by HR before). I said it. Our lazy as fuck assistant manager made the unilateral decision to hire on a person who did not have the mental capacity to do the job because he wanted a body in the chair. We were given marching orders and I got excited because I EXCEL at marching to a beat set in clear terms. A dispatcher got fired for falsifying a document that I took. That was my bad. The signature was suspect and the stationary wasn’t stationary. I should have kicked her out but at 6am, I can’t vet shit and it’s not my job.

I was going to treat myself to a movie but I had to sign for a package at home first. So I rushed out as soon as I could (still an hour after I’m scheduled). Package didn’t come. Didn’t come. Three hours later I look on the website. Plans cancelled cause I knew it could show up as late as 8pm. Damn thing was delivered 20 minutes after I got home and no one knocked, left the package or a note. It was in the leasing office and by that point, the office had been closed for an hour. So I took a walk with my rage. Only my neighborhood doesn’t have sidewalks in some places and my bad leg makes walking on uneven surfaces really difficult. But I wore myself out and came home and went to bed.

Thursday morning, I walked into an iceberg. Overnight crew is livid at me because they were told by their manager that I had “thrown them under the bus.” No clue what was going on, I was subjected to shade so dark and fierce that my toes are still frozen and my very soul is chilly. The overnight assistant manager handed me a packet and stated that I had to take them into my hands and she was checking out with me. I was still very lost. I mentioned the thing that happened the morning before but that I took the heat on that. Frost. I said fuck it and went on with my day. Then one of my fellow supes walked in and said she was accosted at the door by the overnight assistant manager demanding to know who was telling stories. Still fucking lost.

I got dispatchers calling in for things they didn’t bother to schedule out, dispatchers going to the ER, dispatchers doing so terribly I can’t abide them being in their current locations, then one of my supervisors’ daughters was rushed to the ER. I started moving folks around. Then my seniors started getting mad because “she’s just sitting in the office but I got three trainees and she’s going to take one of my mentors.” My boss backed me up before I even had to explain the situation in full to him. So when this person walked up to me with attitude, I told him. We’re strapped. The trainees can just sit behind and if you got so many calls that you and your other two seniors can’t handle it, call a code.

My supervisor didn’t leave because her daughter needed a Zantac and a good fart, not the ER. So I didn’t move the mentor and then the trainees went back to class. Life righted itself. I can’t stand to be accused of not doing my job when a) we’re short staffed, b) we’re busy and I’m handling all the codes, and c) it’s my fucking day off and I’m in the office doing jobs that are NOT MINE just so I know the company isn’t tanking.

It wasn’t until the end of the shift I found out the other shifts’ manager unilaterally decided her shift was full of fucktards (it is but not the point) and they weren’t doing their job and had to check out with me (without telling me) and that a specific supervisor had to hand me the packet (she didn’t) and it was all a result of the email I responded to the day before about the thing that was MY FAULT. She’s fucking crazy. Her interpretation of events was so wildly off the chart that when I asked the other assistant manager, he couldn’t even give me anything because he knew nothing. So, now I’m mad at him too.

I came home and went to bed for three hours, then I woke up and got drunk. And I decorated my walls. Here are some clumsy photos:

It took forever and it is so satisfying even if it feels a little incomplete. And yes, those dragons are swooping in to take a swipe at that unicorn. If I’m honest about it… the dragon on the far right is the one attacking and the one on the far left just wants to watch and really, that unicorn will probably fuck them both up. And fire. Cause. Fire.

I feel really calm right now. I’m going to take advantage and take a nap. Then I’m going to a movie.

Some music to sleep by:

Up Too Late

Nothing much going on. Same old, same old.

Not highstrung. Not depressed really.

Not in a good place. Not in a bad place.

Got some creative juices going. Not doing much with it.

Up too late and I kind of have to be at work slightly earlier than usual. Beating the boss there, and I can but I’m strictly on foot these days til I get the car fixed. I sprained my ankle yesterday. I have a goal of reading some more of this new book before I actually crash. Did I mention the alarm is going off at 4:30am??

Here’s some tunes… and yeah, I’m a little obsessed, a little wallow-y, a little bit stretched between 15 years ago me and today me.

Sherri Miller – Waste My Breath

London Grammar – Strong

Velvet Chain – Strong

SanguinDrake – Get Up and Walk Away

Neko Case – Nothing to Remember

Trespassers William – Lie in the Sound

Cassadee Pope – Wasting All These Tears

Carla Werner – Wanderlust

The Civil Wars – Falling

The National – Lean

Christina Perri – I Believe

Rosalee & Steve Carlson – I Believe

There, just a sample of the 3 hour playlist I made about 20 minutes ago.

So Torn.

It’s been a spectacularly crappy week.

I can’t. Even. No.

I’ve been all over the place. Mood swings, falling over shit. I fell today actually. My good foot lost traction and my bad foot can’t compensate and down I went. I had a trash bag in each hand so I couldn’t even break my own fall. That fear I had of walking around my complex and falling down and no one being able to help me… Happened. On the plus side. NO ONE SAW ME. That was mainly because we had a tornado or some tornado-like behavior and all maintenance folk were busy covering the windows of the folk who lost their windows in last night’s hail.

I’m one of those people. I was on my way home from work, much later than usual. I texted my other half Laurel St. James and she informed me of the impending tornado near to my house… and I got this message as I was in bumper to bumper traffic on a bridge over water. I prayed and drove while I tried to find that local emergency station. I managed to circumvent the storm. My home did not. North-side windows at my complex are all a variety of shattered and broken.

I have the worst bitch from Hell as one of my new managers. She’s crazy and I’m going to walk out someday soon. I love my regular managers but that’s just how bad this woman is and really I only see her two days a week unless I go in on an off day. I’m not sure I”m recovered enough from my previous job to handle a person this unhinged.

I’ve been planning to post for a while but… Life. I’ve tried dating a few guys but it’s all blah. We get to date three and discover there’s a significant spiritual incompatibility and it’s just too much. I seem to attract “Good Christian Folk” because I guess I “look” like one of their kind. I don’t have anything against those folk. Devout people are admirable. I’m just not one of them. I watched my family’s spirituality swirl down the toilet as my parents fought about whose religion we were all going to follow. I believe in God. Everything else is just unknowable and unquantifiable. I just… can’t profess to believe in things that I don’t feel are true enough that I would wage a holy war over it. I’m just trying to be a good person. THat’s all that anyone can really try to be. If you need a devout person to share your life with, churches hold single’s nights. That’s where your girl is. Not here. Not me.

Are you spinning yet? That’s only about a quarter of what’s going on in my brain.

I keep getting baby stuff in the mail. I think I briefly researched some stuff when Laurel St. James was pregnant… and I think someone who used to live in this apartment is currently throwing baby showers (I got an invitation to a stranger’s shower). It freaks me out a bit. I have a bunch of stuff in my car that I’m going to take over to her if I can ever make it over. It makes my head spin. Clocks ticking. My neurotic tendencies telling me that having babies is a bad idea. I lost my necklace for a bit yesterday. I freaked out about it all day long. I’m not a person who freaks out. I’m not a person who would stay home from work to look for a piece of jewelry. Most people at work could tell I was stressed but not that I was on the edge. That kid would be nearly 5 this year. That thought freaks me out.

I’m also ovulating. Makes all the moods that much moodier. Also, a lot of guys who are normally on the no-list look pretty appealing. Just let me go shoot myself before I end up with another Sir Douchecanoe of Douchenshire. I’m going to blindfold myself, put my phone in a drawer and avoid speaking to men at all costs. Just for a while.

I have to move. I can’t afford my apartment. I can’t find a roommate who isn’t crazy. I looked around at prices. They all want more money than I’m already spending for less space than I have now. I have less than 30 days to give my notice if I’m going to re-lease or vacate at the end of the summer. My options don’t look good unless I magically get a higher paying job and/or get some asshole to marry me. I recognize that at this point in my life, it will take an asshole to put up with me.

So, on a regular day, I’m thinking about the above. On a regular day, I can handle it. This week? Nope. Can’t handle it. Won’t handle it. Don’t want it. Please, make it stop.

It’s 2014, y’all!

Don’t read too much enthusiasm into that title.

 

I feel like I just climb out of a deep well of despair and anxiety.

Today was a terrible day. I slept later than I planned. I didn’t have all the ingredients for breakfast. I spilt juice on the floor. I broke my shower. I got lost on the way to pick up my new cellphone. Lost in a parking lot. I nearly spilled lunch on it before I got it charged. I jacked up my WiFi. My cat got banned from any room that had workers because she misbehaves and they think she has rabies. My uncle thought my Facebook post was an invitation to chat. My old phone won’t update my new phone’s address book. I didn’t get 60% of my chores done today.

 

And my phone rediscovered an old douchebag boyfriend’s phone number.

I tried to breathe through it and find all the silver linings but it sucked. I work in the morning and I hope I have clean socks. I’ve thought about smoking all day.

I just want to close my eyes and watch SGU on my eyelids. We should have that technology by now.

Also, my face is peeling off. I hate February allergies.

The word of the day is “inappropriate” because of everything.

Scroogey McScroogeface

Merry Christmas.

 That’s about all the Christmas cheer I can muster.

At least I decorated this year. Maybe I just did it last week.

I’m not feeling it. I haven’t felt it in a long time. I’m dreading the day. I know it’s okay. I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be with people. I have the day off work. I feel bad for not feeling it.

I haven’t been feeling much of anything that isn’t hunger, pain or anxiety or incredible sadness.

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been busy. And sick. Right before Thanksgiving I got sick. Everything I ate made me sick one way or another. I started looking for a doctor but after the last doctor I saw for non-back related problem, I’m skittish. My current predicament has brought that last one to the fore… over and over again. It’s dragging back into the pits of depression.

I cry at the drop of hat. I’m starting to cry right now. For a microsecond I had a thought about the child I almost had and never really wanted and bam! Tears. I’m an extremely patient person and I’m really good with kids. I just don’t want any myself. That may change. I don’t really have long to change my mind but I decided a long time ago that I didn’t want kids if I didn’t have someone to share them with.

It’s just one of the many things that makes me feel other and abnormal. I was getting good at not feeling that way anymore. Since I’ve been sick, I have been taking my supplements in a reliable way and I haven’t really been able to take anything for pain so my moods have been all over the place. I rationalize my mood. I allow it pass through and know that it will but it just keeps coming.

I’m going to actually get to a doctor as soon as I can figure out my plan. If there’s not a solution in that, I don’t know what else to do.

I’m going to spend Christmas with my second family. I’m going to miss my family. I’ll spend New Years at home because I don’t have the energy to go out and do something. I spent last New Years a blubbery mess. I spent the New Year’s before that pissed off at the people I couldn’t find. The year before that I was with a roommate. The year before that I spent it waiting for people to call and show up who never did so I clung to the worst boyfriend that I have ever had. None of it was good.

I’m not feeling the cheer and goodwill but I know. I KNOW. I just know there’s going to be a change soon. I can feel that. Good or bad, it’s going to happen and I will make it work. That’s what I do. I make things work.

Dating over 30 — #14

So, I played hooky. I know tomorrow is my official day off but I’m exhausted and I needed a full weekend because I plan on working a lot in the near future. As much as my body will let me. And I’m going to ramp up my housekeeping skills. So, I need to plan and get a head start.

I reactivated some of my profiles. I don’t know if I’m ready but I need to make a change. I was scolling through the messages I hadn’t read. There are some gems.

“Do you have an extra heart, mine seems to have been stolen.”

“If life was a book, you’d be the fine print!”

Cheesy but about what I expected. One of the sites registers popularity and my rose without me doing a damn thing. It’s a little creepy.

I’m trying to just be honest with myself. I have a little crush on a person I know. He’s generally accepted as an asshole and it’s a deterrent but I feel a spark. No clue if he does because I suck at that stuff. I’ve been burned by younger guys before. I just figure I’ll enjoy the company while I have it.

Really, I just want a guy who treats me nice and has something else to do while I’m writing or reading a book and is not going to freak out that I put Finger Eleven, Bob Seger, Madilyn Bailey and The Civil Wars in the same playlist. Cause that’s totally going to happen all the time. I’m going to listen to Harry Potter soundtracks while I read about zombies. I’m going to write about dragons while I watch SVU. I’m going to talk about Supernatural and Defiance for hours. I’m going to recount the events of The Women of The Otherworld. I’m going to rant about Tony Romo and cheer on the Cowboys. I’m going to cry when I watch Sunshine. I will not allow anything Twilight related in my home. Gonna make popcorn to read books. Gonna put onions and jalapenos in anything I can get away with. Same goes for Hatch chile. The coffee’s going to be hot and black. I’m going to eat lemons all by themselves, jalapenos too. Gonna tuck myself into a corner and enjoy the scenery. Gonna hide in the bathroom when my anxiety runs too high. Gonna wear my Captain America shirt in public all the damn time. I’ll lose weight when I’m good and ready and not a moment sooner and certainly not for anyone else’s benefit.

Too tall an order? We’ll see.

Days off

Yet another day off and yet another day of not wanting to move or do anything that could be considered productive. I am in significant pain today… and for the last few days. Lumbar pain, cyatica, migraines and yet I hae felt more like myself than I have in over a year.

I’ll do anything to keep it this way.

I just finished reading 2001: A Space Odyssey for the first time. I’ve never seen the move. It wasn’t what I thought it would be but I can see the fingerprints it left over everything else I love. And I did catch the John Carter reference and I reveled in it. I love to read. I never stopped but I forgot how to enjoy it. I feel like maybe I should reread some books in the last couple of years to give them a new chance with my newly revived brain.

Today, I’ll try not to aggravate my aching bones so much. I’ll try not to convince myself that I have West Nile. I’ll try to be in the moment with the things I am doing. Maybe I’ll call my father this evening and catch up and not feel like I’m putting on a show for him. When I say I’m okay, I’ll really mean it.

I find myself thinking of my relationship with my father a lot these days. It’s not as close as it could be. When Mom was alive, she was the buffer and the link. Without her, all of us just kind of spun away from each other and he’s drawing us back. He doesn’t really know how and unfortunately for him, the woman he married has set forth a barrier that none of us are willing to cross, even for our father’s sake. I, personally, will treat no woman like a queen unless she’s shown she deserves it. Kindness, generosity and patience. The woman has shown her husband’s children none and express we should treat her as if she raised us. We were all grown and moved away when they married.

Dad wasn’t around much. My parents had a happy marriage but as a welder, you get more money for away gigs than you do from sticking around the home base. Four children meant he spent most of his time making sure he could feed and clothe us and pay for my mother’s medical bills. I remember the holidays. He saved his sick leave for times when we would all be together.

I remember holiday spent at barbecues and family gatherings with Dad supervising the wild antics of kids tumbling everywhere. I remember quiet afternoons learning to play poker and 21. Some of my favorites are not even things I can remember. I have pictures of Dad reading to me, indulging my toothless carpet antics. I hear the stories from my older sister who was 7 when I came into the world. I remember New Year’s Eve with Twilight Zone marathons. My Barbies were always outfitted with cardboard mansions and a blue ’57 Chevy. My She-Ra collection an indulgence because he didn’t like me playing with brother’s He-Man toys.

These days we chat about the weather, whichever desert he’s working in, what I put up with at work… my physical health. We don’t talk about his wife or, by silent agreement, my love life. He’ll fill me on in whatever he’d gleaned about my brother… because my sister-in-law hates my stepmother a whole of a lot more than I do. Sometimes he’ll tell me about  a movie she made him watch. Sometimes, I’m amused like the time she got him to watch Lars and the Real Girl. Or when he told me about the time he took a picture with a drag queen at the New York Pride Parade (my father is homophobic and I’m really surprised he didn’t punch anyone).

I teach him Lauren’s name because he keeps calling her Logan. He really thought, in hindsight, she was a boy and I have no clue why. She’s very clearly a woman and spent my entire surgery with him last year.

My father has given me a lot. My work ethic. My kindness. My generosity. My love of westerns and sci-fi (though mine now delves deeper than his ever did). My love of reading. My pragmatism. My romanticism. My coloring. My complexion. My love of the desert. My impatience with felines. My obsession with making sure the tops of my bread align in my sandwich. My inability to drink any liquid during the meal. My respect for anyone who wears a uniform.

The man has his flaws. He’s only learning how to speak to us. He has a temper and it has come out in inopportune times. I get my cutting remarks from that fire. His utter bafflement of dating (I share this. He really has no clue how much my mother ran that show). It took him a long time to realize that his children are not him.

I live far away from my family as it’s necessary for my sanity. When I’m in the midst of all of them, I feel like I’m drowning. Far away, I can breathe and I can be me and I can love them for who they are. I love the time we have when we’re together. Board games and movies while we catch up, work on whatever family function and give each other our time. Time is really all we have to give our loved ones. Time together, time to be ourselves and let everyone be themselves. I can be annoyed all I want at my siblings choices but those choices are what make them who they are and who I love.

I miss my family but really, we all are where we need to be in order to be who we want to be.

And so, with memories, love and support… I shall continue to be a nervous wreck until such time that I can convince myself that I am exactly who I need to be.