Help.

So exhausted.

Shortly after my last post, my coworker Gloria got sick. She missed a couple of days. I stepped up, like I do, and made sure everything got done. She came back and a day later, she got into a wreck. she didn’t miss work, though she should have but she wasn’t at full capacity. It’s fine. Then a few days she ended up in the hospital. She’s fine, now. Had surgery and in recovery. I’ve been making sure that everyday there is a manager or myself on duty. I am not a manager.

The last three weeks have been hell. To the fair the first week was just stressful and I had to pick up an extra day because our manager is also the vice president and he’s been taking on more duties in the VP capacity, takes him off site more and more. Our assistant manager is lazy as fuck and does literally as little as possible and he took a day. So that was workday 6 and the only member of management on the floor. The following week, I didn’t work extra but lazy fucktard of an assistant manager and our manager performing VP duties and that turned out to be because his stepmother’s mother passed and so… yeah, death stuff.

This past week was just HELL. I had to work a 6th day. I’m so tired. Mostly everything was okay until Wednesday. Events: A overnight dispatcher was frustrated about the events of the night, so I sent an email to HR on his behalf. A dispatcher didn’t find their schedule printed and waiting per usual. He only asked one person and that person was too busy to look. He sent an email to the entire company that basically stated a supervisor in the field didn’t do their job. I don’t know about this for HOURS because no one told me. When I did find out, it was after the owner took care of it himself. I tell the truth. “My fault. Usually it’s there, I didn’t check, I will from now on.” I didn’t names though I could have. I just chalked up that I got complacent that other people would do their jobs but the person who normally did it was off that night and the other people in charge couldn’t be bothered. Next, I was building a case for the dismissal of a person who just don’t have what it takes to do this job at the level that’s expected. I was yelled at for allowing a person who had been a temp to get hired on. I don’t like getting yelled at for something I didn’t do. As infuriating as my manager can be, I don’t like him getting yelled at if he didn’t do it (I’ve rather enjoyed him getting yelled at by HR before). I said it. Our lazy as fuck assistant manager made the unilateral decision to hire on a person who did not have the mental capacity to do the job because he wanted a body in the chair. We were given marching orders and I got excited because I EXCEL at marching to a beat set in clear terms. A dispatcher got fired for falsifying a document that I took. That was my bad. The signature was suspect and the stationary wasn’t stationary. I should have kicked her out but at 6am, I can’t vet shit and it’s not my job.

I was going to treat myself to a movie but I had to sign for a package at home first. So I rushed out as soon as I could (still an hour after I’m scheduled). Package didn’t come. Didn’t come. Three hours later I look on the website. Plans cancelled cause I knew it could show up as late as 8pm. Damn thing was delivered 20 minutes after I got home and no one knocked, left the package or a note. It was in the leasing office and by that point, the office had been closed for an hour. So I took a walk with my rage. Only my neighborhood doesn’t have sidewalks in some places and my bad leg makes walking on uneven surfaces really difficult. But I wore myself out and came home and went to bed.

Thursday morning, I walked into an iceberg. Overnight crew is livid at me because they were told by their manager that I had “thrown them under the bus.” No clue what was going on, I was subjected to shade so dark and fierce that my toes are still frozen and my very soul is chilly. The overnight assistant manager handed me a packet and stated that I had to take them into my hands and she was checking out with me. I was still very lost. I mentioned the thing that happened the morning before but that I took the heat on that. Frost. I said fuck it and went on with my day. Then one of my fellow supes walked in and said she was accosted at the door by the overnight assistant manager demanding to know who was telling stories. Still fucking lost.

I got dispatchers calling in for things they didn’t bother to schedule out, dispatchers going to the ER, dispatchers doing so terribly I can’t abide them being in their current locations, then one of my supervisors’ daughters was rushed to the ER. I started moving folks around. Then my seniors started getting mad because “she’s just sitting in the office but I got three trainees and she’s going to take one of my mentors.” My boss backed me up before I even had to explain the situation in full to him. So when this person walked up to me with attitude, I told him. We’re strapped. The trainees can just sit behind and if you got so many calls that you and your other two seniors can’t handle it, call a code.

My supervisor didn’t leave because her daughter needed a Zantac and a good fart, not the ER. So I didn’t move the mentor and then the trainees went back to class. Life righted itself. I can’t stand to be accused of not doing my job when a) we’re short staffed, b) we’re busy and I’m handling all the codes, and c) it’s my fucking day off and I’m in the office doing jobs that are NOT MINE just so I know the company isn’t tanking.

It wasn’t until the end of the shift I found out the other shifts’ manager unilaterally decided her shift was full of fucktards (it is but not the point) and they weren’t doing their job and had to check out with me (without telling me) and that a specific supervisor had to hand me the packet (she didn’t) and it was all a result of the email I responded to the day before about the thing that was MY FAULT. She’s fucking crazy. Her interpretation of events was so wildly off the chart that when I asked the other assistant manager, he couldn’t even give me anything because he knew nothing. So, now I’m mad at him too.

I came home and went to bed for three hours, then I woke up and got drunk. And I decorated my walls. Here are some clumsy photos:

It took forever and it is so satisfying even if it feels a little incomplete. And yes, those dragons are swooping in to take a swipe at that unicorn. If I’m honest about it… the dragon on the far right is the one attacking and the one on the far left just wants to watch and really, that unicorn will probably fuck them both up. And fire. Cause. Fire.

I feel really calm right now. I’m going to take advantage and take a nap. Then I’m going to a movie.

Some music to sleep by:

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The Balance

Not sure I’m actually balanced but I’m on an even enough keel that I’m enjoying myself in general.

Work is work. I had to dispatch the entire day instead of supervise but it went quickly and I wasn’t so exhausted when I got home that I needed to take a nap. Bad news; I’ve gained 40 pounds since I started this job. Good news: I’ve lost 8 pounds of that in the last week simply by sleeping.

I’m trying to stay even so that trend continues. I’ll sleep when I’m sleepy and eat when I’m hungry and go from there. I need to make room for a place to do some… yoga-lite. I can’t balance correctly for actual yoga but some room for some stretches would be good. It would work out the kinks and get me going.

I find myself fixated on people for odd reasons. My protege at work is getting himself over his head with the office tart and he’s been warned so I’m just backing off and letting him find out for himself what she’s about. I despise the office romance. I’ve banned them for myself… in spite of what is sometimes said about me and one of my former coworkers, that’s not a line I’ve ever crossed at this job.

I’m feeling ready to start dating again but I don’t want to go about it the way I have been. Random hookups and drinking with my fringe friends. I absolutely need to stop drinking with the management team at work. That’s just too much.

I feel I’ve come to terms with myself. I am, in fact, a morbidly obese, barren, neurotic and I kind of love myself this way. I could be healthier. I could love myself more. I could do and be a lot of things. So could everyone else.

I miss my friends. I see them rarely. I need to do a deep clean of the apartment this week. I’m going out of town for a weekend and I would hate to come back to my usual filthy existence. I should really stop living as if I’m in a frat house. Job 1 was getting rid of the spiders and I think I’ve beat the suckers.

I’ve been bolstered by the communities online… nearly as well as I was 15 years ago when I still lived at home. I don’t have the direct support I used to… I burned those bridges in a manic episode some 8 years ago. Still… The Bloggess is going through a time and I feel for her. I circled the blackhole earlier this here and it was hell on earth. I hope I never go that deep again. Jared Padelecki and Always Keep Fighting (Third round!) in conjunction with To Write Love On Her Arms has kept me from the brink. Just to know there’s that kind of power and response out there. I bought a couple of shirts around my birthday and wearing them to work and having to explain them gives me this… sort of power over myself. To be strong while I explain. To be calm. To not be afraid that today is the day that I have the panic attack in front of everyone. Just to educate maybe one person at a time about mental health.

I’m looking for all my old joys. Reading fluffy novels at a goodly pace, watching my shows, going back and watching old shows, dabbling in writing when I’m not otherwise engaged, listening to music. Singing. I haven’t belted in years and I’m working myself back up to it. I’m so critical of my own voice that I never learned to love it and my range. I’m starting to really like what my voice does… even if I’m the only one who hears it. (To be honest, I could have a mic and amplifiers and I still would be the only one who could hear me)

I wish it weren’t so hot so I could explore the neighborhood. I’m less afraid of falling than I used to be. I’ve embraced my gait fully. I can tell, by my walk, how much pain I’m in. I don’t feel the pain most of the time but if I’ve got a swing in my hips, my back is good. If I walk like an uptight robot, I’m in for a rough day.

I’ve even been thinking of hitting on this guy I get a glimpse of once a day but I’m a chickenshit and that will probably never happen. I would normally be thinking that I’d cross paths, mumble something incoherent and have to leave the state in my mortification. I don’t feel like that. Just find myself reading into everything. Like, why does he sit in his car until after I pass when he has enough time to drive off before I get to his lane. I do walk very slow these days. Does it mean anything? I don’t know. Probably not. Possibly not. Anyway.

Watching the Hillywood Show Supernatural Parody constantly is helping my moods. I don’t think I’ve even heard the Taylor Swift original but I do love this Deanmon.

So, lessons:

Usual me = 

Earlier this year me = 

Me, this month = 

OR = 

In any case, here’s some music:

And I have net again.

Geez, I’ve been away a while.

My internet was just installed after a month-long ordeal.

Recap:

I’ve moved closer to work. Very close.

I’m still settling in. I’m in financial dires but I’m working it out. I’m trying to keep my shit together so that I can keep doing so.

Today? Trigger day. It’s my mother’s birthday and I’ve tried to keep from thinking about it. I loved her and that was wonderful. Dad sent his text out. I teared up. My sister posted some angel bullshit to Facebook and I choked up. Then I shut it down. I cannot afford to wallow because that just starts a whole other mess of shit that I don’t want to deal with. Tomorrow is my ex’s birthday and also the estimated due date of the child I almost had. He or she would have turned 5 tomorrow. Friday is Dad’s birthday and I just need to keep it together so when I call him, I can sound like a grown-up.

This was the 3rd appointment I made to have my internet installed. It was hassle after hassle and this company has really shitty customer service. The rep who took my order was wonderful. The technician was wonderful. The TEN people I talked in between were terrible, terrible people but I didn’t have any options given my geographic location as there’s only one company who will come out to this place. I finally have it and it’s still giving me problems but I have faith that it’s just the first day type shit.

Stuff at work is better. The drama, for the most part, doesn’t involve me. Miranda was talked to and she actually changed before she was talked to because she knew from the moment I walked in that Thursday that she was in deep shit. My only problem with her now is that she’s convinced my buddy “David” and I should be dating. I… Work is not my hunting ground. He’s an attractive and funny dude but he’s my buddy. That’s a line I will not cross. I just wish Miranda would leave it alone. I don’t show him preferential treatment but we have a rapport and it keeps both of us going through the longer days.

Speaking of which. Captain Weenie made a reemergence. He was the dude that had a firm timeline for our relationship before it started and I was too fragile to handle anything more than winging it. He and I did not part well. Well, he and I found each other on a dating app (a different one than the one we originally met on) and agreed to meet up and try again with a clean slate… Apparently, he doesn’t actually know what that phrase means.

The first go round was okay. We met on this one app. We went on a terrible date. Bad food, not enough conversation. We mutually declared a mulligan in the middle. Changed locations and started over. CW and myself had a lot in common. This led to a second date. Third date cancelled on account of my old crazy job. On our actual third date, I met half of his friends. I wasn’t expecting it. I introduced him to Laurel and Ninjamin. They liked him. I liked him. He liked me… He wanted me to RSVP to an invitation that he had to RSVP to very shortly. It was a destination wedding. It was going to be he and I on a trip across state to his best friend’s wedding. We’d only hugged by that point. Dates kept getting interrupted by work, and also some panic attacks. One date was at my place cause I sprained my ankle. He still didn’t make it to first base. Gerald and I had a conversation about it. I couldn’t get it up for CW. We were alike, maybe too much alike and I had to kill it sooner rather than later. I called it off. He told me I had issues in a sort of backhanded manner that left a bad taste in my mouth.

So, this clean slate coffee thing? Not so much. I still felt zero sexual attraction. This is a very horny lady speaking. Very. Couldn’t get that feeling going. Maybe it was a bit obvious as we chitchatted and got caught up on the last three years. He made a snide comment about my focus. Okay, I say snide but it was offhand. Maybe I was distracted. Maybe I was still thinking about the way he took his dismissal. Maybe I was just too aloof. Something about me just set him off. Now, on his good days, his voice is still softer than mine… it was kind of funny. I didn’t mean to laugh. I did. Just a little. It was fuckin’ adorable. He stormed out. I finished my coffee and then went to a movie. I had a better time at the movie by myself.

I usually do.

So Captain Weenie and I were not meant to be.

So… maybe I do have a habit of emasculating men but I do adore them. I like them a lot.

Shrug.

I’m just gonna buy some birds and become a crazy bird lady.

Songs of the Week:

SanguinDrake – Get Up And Walk Away

Kacey Musgraves – The Trailer Song

The Darkness – I Believe in Thing Called Love

Rosalee and Steve Carlson – I Believe

Anna Kendrick – Cups

Grant Lee Buffalo – Demon Called Deception

Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should Have Come Over

Lana Del Ray – Once Upon A Dream

SanguinDrake – Instant Gratification

Cyndi Lauper – Time After Time

Women in the workplace

This is going to ramble. I’m experiencing all my triggers right now. It’s all due to a work thing.

I even just realized why it’s been so hard to cope in this situation.

Premise:

There are four of us who are supervisors; three women, one man. Our immediate supervisor is our manager who is a male. There are lots of management shenanigans that we just deal with. Two managers are women and one is a man. The woman-to-man ratio is pretty high. Below the supervisors are mentors, also high ratio of women-to-men. Below the mentors are senior staff (folks who have been with the company over a year) and below them are staff (with the company under a year) and then trainees. Above our managers is the corporate department. Everyone offices in the same location in a series of offices. There are a wide range of personalities that will come with so many people.

Recently, my manager has had some medical issues. My senior supervisor and I have taken to looking after him and his interests. He’s not himself and we’re trying to shield the staff from his current status. We’re also trying to make sure we’re handling all problems so he doesn’t have to be so involved. She and I are spearheading this effort as our third female supervisor is the self-labeled pit bull. She’s the hard hitter who does everything by the book. Our fourth is our dude who is laidback in his approach to most things to a point but is able to get his point across when things need changing. Too many people. Let us name them all.

“Gloria” is our senior supervisor. She’s been with the company 5 years and has been a supervisor for over 2 years. She’s recently earned her M-F schedule as she’s been working alone for six months before the rest of us were promoted. “Plato” is our dude who ran the department by himself when Gloria was out sick last summer. He and I work the weekends together as we are chronologically low on the totem. I was promoted in January though I was not even technically senior staff but was a mentor so it evened out. “Miranda” has been with the company 5 years and was a supervisor early on but stepped down some point before Gloria was promoted. She was promoted after I was. According to the heirarchy as it stands, I’m “over” Miranda. Miranda doesn’t like that anyone is over her as she believes she is the oldest member of the staff.

A bit about Miranda. She is a year younger than me but lied to me once that she was a year older than me. She likes to speak to Gloria and myself as if we are children. We do have a company policy about “sweetie, honey, darling” and so these are not terms I’ve ever used with my colleagues of any station. Gloria and Miranda feel a bit freer with it. I am always referred to as “sweetie” by Miranda. Now Miranda was tapped by the boss, and by boss I mean owner, to be a pit bull. This has created issues in the past as complaints have gone to HR about her violating space by putting her belly and breasts into the private space of some of our workers. I’ve tried to model better behavior. I’ve gone to other people for advice on how to address this with her. I was specifically asked to address this issue as one of my prominent features is my chest. I’ve also have 5 years experience in telling people how to deal with people. Nothing worked and I told my manager this. She eventually stopped.

Gloria and Miranda have a strained relationship. It is due to their longevity with the company and the roles that have flipped and flopped over the years. When I was promoted, I was instructed to shadow. I was unanimously approved and everyone was eager to train me and I was eager to learn. One of my selling points was my familiarity with software that was slowly creeping across the company that has become our most important operations tool. So, when I was promoted I was put in to oversee the rooms where this software was being used exclusively before it rolled out. When it was rolling out, I was set in each room to oversee it’s transition, despite where I was “placed to post” on that particular day.

Now, I am an amiable person. I’m amenable to any circumstance. Most people think I’m a doormat because I’m quiet but what people who work closely with me have realized is that I choose my words carefully. I believe that words are important. I recognize that “gloating over” and “gloat it” are not actual phrases and I ignore them when used because these are not real things. The terms should have been “sassing” and “sneering” but that’s not the topic here. I am a professional. I can work with anyone whether I like them or not. I am cordial and friendly. When I have to be stern, I am. If I can’t handle the situation, I go up the chain of command. This means that on Saturday and Sunday, I go to Plato. On Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, I go to Gloria. If it’s bad enough, I go to my manager with it. This is the procedure.

Last week:

Mondays are the beginning of the new work schedule. Plato makes it out on Thursday and makes changes on Sunday before it’s published by one of the other managers (usually after 5pm on Sunday night). The changes are always due to terminations and floor issues. So, the trend has been that because the schedule is published so late, not everyone gets their schedule on time (our shift lets out at 3pm) and there is some confusion for trainees. Gloria and Miranda threw Plato under the bus for it four weeks in a row. On Wednesday, Plato work a strongly worded email to management about the issue he faced and his proposed solution, that in addition to all his extra duties, he would also be composing a weekly email to explain his changes, where the input came from and who authorized them and this would eliminate the confusion.

Thursday:

My manager asked if I was mad at him to. I had no idea what he was talking about but I was busy working and wasn’t too concerned with it. Gloria and Miranda were furious with Plato. Thursday is the only day of the week that all four of us are on the schedule as well as having our manager in the building. Our manager asked that I be more vocal in my opinions on where people should be placed for efficiency and effectiveness. I ran with it. I’m just really getting comfortable with this part fo the job as I now have enough experience with the pods and the staff to make these decisions without conferring with someone else.

Miranda didn’t like that I shot down her nomination for a pod lead. I didn’t just veto, I explained that while this person was a hard worker and could get the job done, she skips steps. Not vital ones but ones that are important to vocalize when teaching someone else. This part is very important. Skipping steps in the teaching process produces workers who don’t work the way we want them to. You have to be aware of all the steps before you can prioritize which steps you will need and which you will skip.

I developed a migraine and rode out half my shift with sunglasses (I had permission) and I don’t remember a whole lot of that day.

Saturday:

There was a system crash and the software that houses the billing implements was not negotiable for the entire day. Work was completed but it was not put into the billing systems as there was no access.

Sunday:

I spent the whole day transferring billing information while my manager, in his medically-induced haze, tried to joke around and figure out if I was mad at him. I told him that I wasn’t mad but I was trying to get the billing entered. It was a short-staffed day, as all Sundays are, and there was an overwhelming amount of work to be done. Plato and I discussed the dissention with Gloria and Miranda. We discussed the changes that needed to happen to the schedule. I thought it was putting a good start to the week.

Monday:

The call-ins were overwhelming. Gloria had to send an email out about any changes that were no implemented. She and I had a brief discussion about our manager’s health and mind set. He was in the building already but was unsteady on his feet. My concerns were about him, all day. I told him to stay at his desk and we would get him if we needed him. Miranda came and found me in the room where I was working and asked why she was being “boycotted.” I was sitting in a pod with one mentor, one dispatcher and one trainee. There was so much work that we should have traded out some folks but I powered through it. I pointed to the workload and stated, clearly, that I wasn’t “boycotting” anyone but I was very busy. She asked me this three times throughout the day. I didn’t have time for that. Then our manager disappeared. It took forever to find out he went to lunch with someone in an adjacent department and just failed to let us know where he went.

Tensions rose and there was a lot to get done. The software issues continued to slow down billing but the productivity never slowed so the remaining billing just kept piling up.

Every Monday, the same thing happens as shiftchange. I get caught at a desk and when the relief comes, I go to Miranda and ask if she needs help. She always says “You know, I’ve got this. I don’t need anything. It’s 2:30pm, you can go.” Then I turn to our manager and let him know I’m leaving.

This particular Monday, it was 3pm before I could get up from my desk. Shift change was happening rapidly and successfully. I walked the floor three times. I saw that Miranda had everything under control and I could not find my manager, I checked out with the next shift manager. I got a text from Gloria just before 7pm saying that Miranda texted her to say that we ditched her. First off, there is no “ditching.” The work that I was responsible for was completed and I checked out with a manager after making sure everything was going okay. That is my job and the protocol. It turns out Gloria had to do the same thing I did.

Tuesday:

We all got an email from our manager in all caps that we were not to leave the building without his express permission ever. Then we got an email from Miranda stating that she didn’t mean to get us in trouble. It caused immediate chaos. Bossman was not in the office all day due to his illness. Miranda was stalking Gloria. I was WORKING. I was trying to get on top of the billing issues and Miranda was demanding to know, on the floor, why I wasn’t talking to her. I was BUSY. I was WORKING.

I went to work dressed in a button shirt over a tank top and slacks. I was so uncomfortable with the energy and the situation, that I put on a hoodie. Did I mention it’s Texas and also summer? A zipped up hoodie, all day. At one point, I looked so distraught that my buddy (a mentor and replacement for my previous position) had to keep telling me over and over that it would be all right.

Right, didn’t I mention that due to all of the above stress, I’ve been broken out in hives and my shoulders are knotted up and my usual affable demeanor is no more? Everyone on the floor could see that there was something up. Then Miranda came at me on the floor to bitch about being ditched. I had nothing to say to her. I was done.

When my seat was relieved, I walked the floor until 2:30pm and then let Gloria check us out with the boss via text as he was still not present. Then I went to tell Miranda we were leaving and she acted confused as to why I was standing there. As if she had not created a situation where I had to supplicate myself to her in order to leave from my shift.

Today:

I’m still knotted up. I colored my hair last night. I tried out some rollers. I tried to detoxify from that situation. I’ve been planning what I’m going to say to my boss tomorrow because there’s a conversation that has to be had. There’s a lot that needs to be said. I’m in a precariously life position and work was my safe haven. Work is no longer that. I have to watch everything I say and do or I offend Ms. Miranda. The situation is toxic. There are changes coming to the company but I’m not aware of all of that. I just know that we’re in a place that will break half of the supervisors.

I was reading an article about how girls are taught to listen and not speak. Generally, I agree with that. I do not speak unless spoken to. I have to be prompted to say what’s on my mind because other people realize I need to talk before I do. Miranda has never been that. She has always said what she’s thought and she always feels like no one hears her. I identify with that only… I never speak up. I started speaking up and it freaked her out. My opinions are not hers and she’s upset that we don’t agree. I often feel this element of pressure to be her friend but I don’t friend well. I got used to be friends with people who decided to be my friend rather than people who I wanted to be friends with.

Gloria and I get along. We’re both single and trying to date in this world. She’s got a kid. I have experience with being responsible for people. Plato and I are readers and we don’t do conflict but he’s much better as resolving conflict than I am. I’m still learning this management thing. I developed a lot of tools for doing my job. On my own and with the advice from my boss.

Every day when I go to work, I let people get settled into their seats. I rush people along with a friendly “go, go, go. hurry, hurry, hurry.” Then I walk the floor. I chit-chat a bit to get a feel for their moods. I confer with my fellow supervisors. I check in with the pods that are busy. Then I post somewhere where I can be effective. Now, I get some shit from Miranda because I default to a particular room. I am most effective in that room for these reasons; when an employee gets really good, we pull them from that back room into the front room. It means that we have a few seniors and mentors that run things and the help is always coming and going. I know all the markets, I can run the whole room from one desk if I have to. I am most EFFECTIVE at doing that.

A previous issue with Miranda was that she be in that room for a week. All the markets tanked. She wasn’t helping them. She was just yelling at them.

I’ve been known to yell, to bark. But I am most known for my quiet manner. That I will take a seat and keep my voice low when I address an issue. I will pull a person out of a room, quietly, to have a lengthy discussion about demeanor. I will pull a person out of a room to address attire. My diplomacy and my way with words are my best weapons. I use them daily.

I feel attacked and violated. There’s this competition going on that I’m not aware of. I don’t know what the prize is. I don’t want to leave the job. I love my job. I love what I do… when I am left to do my job. I almost want to go up there today to have that conversation that I need to have with my manager. I need to check in with him as I haven’t heard how he’s doing.

I do know that if the toxicity continues, I will not continue to work there… or I will definitely go to HR with my concerns about the ability of anyone to effectively do their jobs when they are not at liberty to speak at anything regarding their jobs with each other.

This week’s top 10

Seriously, need the tunes to destress from all the shit.

1. Gold & Youth – Kill the Time ; this is my new listen-to-all-the-time song. Just is.

2. Jim Croce – I’ll Have To Say I Love You In A Song ; Somewhere between Danny’s Song and Fire and Rain, I listened to this gem and realized I don’t listen to enough of Mr. Croce.

3. SanguinDrake – Mandragora ; cannot wait until I get my hands on this album. I don’t have the money for a vacation to anywhere these folks play.

4.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt – Bad Romance (Lady Gaga) ; He’s the best thing that ever happened to this song.

5.  Louden Swain – Something to Say ; this one really hit the spot today.

6. Remy Zero – Yellow Light ; I miss me some Remy Zero and this was the only video I could find. I rather enjoyed the Supernatural-ness

7. Beth Hart – Am I the one ; I sometimes have trouble believing these sounds come out of that woman but I love it!

8. Dixie Chicks – Wrecking Ball (Miley Cyrus cover) ; I love it when someone with experience can do a song justice.

9. A Fine Frenzy – Hope for the Hopeless ; The first time I heard this song, I got chills and every time after, I still get them.

10.  The Pierces – Save Me ; I absolutely love the demo version of this song and I absolutely love the album version of this song. I just… love it.

So Torn.

It’s been a spectacularly crappy week.

I can’t. Even. No.

I’ve been all over the place. Mood swings, falling over shit. I fell today actually. My good foot lost traction and my bad foot can’t compensate and down I went. I had a trash bag in each hand so I couldn’t even break my own fall. That fear I had of walking around my complex and falling down and no one being able to help me… Happened. On the plus side. NO ONE SAW ME. That was mainly because we had a tornado or some tornado-like behavior and all maintenance folk were busy covering the windows of the folk who lost their windows in last night’s hail.

I’m one of those people. I was on my way home from work, much later than usual. I texted my other half Laurel St. James and she informed me of the impending tornado near to my house… and I got this message as I was in bumper to bumper traffic on a bridge over water. I prayed and drove while I tried to find that local emergency station. I managed to circumvent the storm. My home did not. North-side windows at my complex are all a variety of shattered and broken.

I have the worst bitch from Hell as one of my new managers. She’s crazy and I’m going to walk out someday soon. I love my regular managers but that’s just how bad this woman is and really I only see her two days a week unless I go in on an off day. I’m not sure I”m recovered enough from my previous job to handle a person this unhinged.

I’ve been planning to post for a while but… Life. I’ve tried dating a few guys but it’s all blah. We get to date three and discover there’s a significant spiritual incompatibility and it’s just too much. I seem to attract “Good Christian Folk” because I guess I “look” like one of their kind. I don’t have anything against those folk. Devout people are admirable. I’m just not one of them. I watched my family’s spirituality swirl down the toilet as my parents fought about whose religion we were all going to follow. I believe in God. Everything else is just unknowable and unquantifiable. I just… can’t profess to believe in things that I don’t feel are true enough that I would wage a holy war over it. I’m just trying to be a good person. THat’s all that anyone can really try to be. If you need a devout person to share your life with, churches hold single’s nights. That’s where your girl is. Not here. Not me.

Are you spinning yet? That’s only about a quarter of what’s going on in my brain.

I keep getting baby stuff in the mail. I think I briefly researched some stuff when Laurel St. James was pregnant… and I think someone who used to live in this apartment is currently throwing baby showers (I got an invitation to a stranger’s shower). It freaks me out a bit. I have a bunch of stuff in my car that I’m going to take over to her if I can ever make it over. It makes my head spin. Clocks ticking. My neurotic tendencies telling me that having babies is a bad idea. I lost my necklace for a bit yesterday. I freaked out about it all day long. I’m not a person who freaks out. I’m not a person who would stay home from work to look for a piece of jewelry. Most people at work could tell I was stressed but not that I was on the edge. That kid would be nearly 5 this year. That thought freaks me out.

I’m also ovulating. Makes all the moods that much moodier. Also, a lot of guys who are normally on the no-list look pretty appealing. Just let me go shoot myself before I end up with another Sir Douchecanoe of Douchenshire. I’m going to blindfold myself, put my phone in a drawer and avoid speaking to men at all costs. Just for a while.

I have to move. I can’t afford my apartment. I can’t find a roommate who isn’t crazy. I looked around at prices. They all want more money than I’m already spending for less space than I have now. I have less than 30 days to give my notice if I’m going to re-lease or vacate at the end of the summer. My options don’t look good unless I magically get a higher paying job and/or get some asshole to marry me. I recognize that at this point in my life, it will take an asshole to put up with me.

So, on a regular day, I’m thinking about the above. On a regular day, I can handle it. This week? Nope. Can’t handle it. Won’t handle it. Don’t want it. Please, make it stop.

It’s 2014, y’all!

Don’t read too much enthusiasm into that title.

 

I feel like I just climb out of a deep well of despair and anxiety.

Today was a terrible day. I slept later than I planned. I didn’t have all the ingredients for breakfast. I spilt juice on the floor. I broke my shower. I got lost on the way to pick up my new cellphone. Lost in a parking lot. I nearly spilled lunch on it before I got it charged. I jacked up my WiFi. My cat got banned from any room that had workers because she misbehaves and they think she has rabies. My uncle thought my Facebook post was an invitation to chat. My old phone won’t update my new phone’s address book. I didn’t get 60% of my chores done today.

 

And my phone rediscovered an old douchebag boyfriend’s phone number.

I tried to breathe through it and find all the silver linings but it sucked. I work in the morning and I hope I have clean socks. I’ve thought about smoking all day.

I just want to close my eyes and watch SGU on my eyelids. We should have that technology by now.

Also, my face is peeling off. I hate February allergies.

The word of the day is “inappropriate” because of everything.

Dating over 30 — #14

So, I played hooky. I know tomorrow is my official day off but I’m exhausted and I needed a full weekend because I plan on working a lot in the near future. As much as my body will let me. And I’m going to ramp up my housekeeping skills. So, I need to plan and get a head start.

I reactivated some of my profiles. I don’t know if I’m ready but I need to make a change. I was scolling through the messages I hadn’t read. There are some gems.

“Do you have an extra heart, mine seems to have been stolen.”

“If life was a book, you’d be the fine print!”

Cheesy but about what I expected. One of the sites registers popularity and my rose without me doing a damn thing. It’s a little creepy.

I’m trying to just be honest with myself. I have a little crush on a person I know. He’s generally accepted as an asshole and it’s a deterrent but I feel a spark. No clue if he does because I suck at that stuff. I’ve been burned by younger guys before. I just figure I’ll enjoy the company while I have it.

Really, I just want a guy who treats me nice and has something else to do while I’m writing or reading a book and is not going to freak out that I put Finger Eleven, Bob Seger, Madilyn Bailey and The Civil Wars in the same playlist. Cause that’s totally going to happen all the time. I’m going to listen to Harry Potter soundtracks while I read about zombies. I’m going to write about dragons while I watch SVU. I’m going to talk about Supernatural and Defiance for hours. I’m going to recount the events of The Women of The Otherworld. I’m going to rant about Tony Romo and cheer on the Cowboys. I’m going to cry when I watch Sunshine. I will not allow anything Twilight related in my home. Gonna make popcorn to read books. Gonna put onions and jalapenos in anything I can get away with. Same goes for Hatch chile. The coffee’s going to be hot and black. I’m going to eat lemons all by themselves, jalapenos too. Gonna tuck myself into a corner and enjoy the scenery. Gonna hide in the bathroom when my anxiety runs too high. Gonna wear my Captain America shirt in public all the damn time. I’ll lose weight when I’m good and ready and not a moment sooner and certainly not for anyone else’s benefit.

Too tall an order? We’ll see.

Looking for focus

I’m supposed to go to the laundromat today because all my other options became non-options. I keep thinking about the panic attack I’m going to have when there are too many people or just the one person who tries to talk to me. Truth is… the panic attack is not going to happen. I will be calm and collected and I may escape to the bathroom a few times and then I’ll rush to get out of there so I won’t fold anything and when I get home, I’ll bawl my eyes out because holding it together was entirely too stressful. I’ll go to bed without putting anything away, I’ll wake up exhausted and have to go through two more days of work before I can just sit at home and hide under a blanket for the entire day.

That’s right. My fear of outside is based on a fear of what MIGHT happen.

I’m aware that it is irrational. I am aware that I should probably be on medication for this or at least be under the care of a professional but I just don’t want to.

I keep looking around for anything to focus on but I just can’t find anything. My leasing off was closed before I got home so I can’t report the things I need fixed. I just keep eyeing the laundry detergent on the table and reminding myself that I need, REALLY need, to get this shit down. But I can’t move. I can’t.

Tried to read but my mind wandered off.

Tried to call my friends on the phone but no one is picking up. Lil Sis is on her way to work. Big Sis is with her kids at the circus. Best bud hasn’t returned my neurotic texts in nearly a week and I think she’s mad at me but I logically know she’s not, she’s just got shit to do. I’m so tired of staring at the fucking laundry detergent.

I have a few hours yet to get my shit together and get outside where the people are. I should probably stop by the drug emporium and pick up some kava kava and get my act together properf

And now I feel really, really tired.

And then I relapse

So, I have a good stretch where I think things are going pretty well and then bam! I feel like shit all the time and I don’t know how to climb out of the hole. Usually I would write but I find myself incapable of doing that. So I’m doing this.

I know a lot of it has triggers. I’m in pain pretty much all the time. I can shut it off for brief periods to do things I need to do. Like work. But then I eventually get up and I have to move and it’s still there.

I sprained my ankle Saturday morning. I wasn’t running. I didn’t trip over anything. I just fell the fuck down and ate concrete. There’s a security tape somewhere that I’m sure has provided lots of laughs to someone. It still hurts a lot.

Now that I’ve got a day off and the swelling has gone down some, it still hurts. Which reminds me that my back hurts. I’d take something for it but that will make me sleepy and then I’ll get nothing accomplished.

The pain triggers my anxiety which triggers my depression.

I was already in that cycle. The pain just made things worse.

I did manage to do some things that needed to be done. I changed the sheets. I cleaned one half of the sink. I cleaned the coffee maker so I could make coffee.

I still need to do laundry. I don’t envision that it will happen.

I need to clean the litter box, clean out the fridge, throw the garbage, find a better paying job or a roommate.

They are all manageable tasks. Except I can’t seem to get up and do them.

I keep thinking, maybe I’ll watch a new show, a funny movie or drop into a foreign film and then I’ll get moving but I’ve been through the first five minutes of six shows since I sat down to turn on my computer this morning.

During my bath this morning, I found myself flashing back to moments 10 years gone and wishing I had done them differently. Not even life-changing moments. Just the things that happen and fill time but of no real consequence in life.

I’m ruminating on things that I thought I’d shut behind me. My sister asked me the other night if I felt weird dating the Douchecanoe because he was 4 years younger than me. It wasn’t a big deal to me at the time. I’d never dated a younger guy before but I figured if I was going to date him, I was going to have to take him as he was. Later I realized that if I couldn’t fathom bringing a life into the world with him that I probably shouldn’t have been with him in the first place.

So, I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Watched The Other Woman the other night and that made me think of it, too. Then I do anything I can NOT to think about it.

I heard a horror story of a pregnancy nightmare from a woman at work. I want to talk to somebody about it but I can’t. I don’t even really want to think about it and the only person I really want to talk to about it, is in a place where such a story would bring undue worry and stress.

I cry nine times a day about nonsense. I stare at the front door and I cannot fathom going outside. Standing in front of it, the walls start to close in and instead of escaping into the world, I just want to make myself small and tuck myself behind a chair with a flashlight and book until the feeling fades.

It does eventually but at that point I’m exhausted and I’ve had a thousand visions of myself going outside and having a panic attack where people can see.

I don’t watch the new much these days. It’s been a trying week. I have a coworker that I feel expresses too much glee in discussing the horrible things that have come to pass. I don’t indulge the conversations but others do and I can’t unhear them. So, the words turn over and over in my mind and I can’t turn them off. I try to focus on my work. I try to think of other things. I can’t.

Trayvon Martin goes unavenged by our justice system (The same laws convict a woman of a lesser crime elsewhere). Texas abortion laws get stricter (also you can carry a gun into a government building but not a tampon or sanitary napkin) without regard to women’s health and safety. Babies are being found in dumpsters. Corey Monteith died (he’s younger than I am and I am a fan).

My world isn’t so big these days. My day to day worries are surrounding my ability to pay my bills, my ability to cope and keeping my worries low enough not to trigger a massive depressive episode.

No, this is still not that. I’ve been down lower than I currently am. I just had more tools at my disposal when that happened than I do now.

Logically, I know these feelings will pass. I’m going to feel better in minutes, or hours, or in a day or so. I hope.

Currently, the minutes are ticking by so slowly that I feel like I’ve been awake for days instead of hours.

I didn’t even get to enjoy the rain this morning. I love the rain. It didn’t make me happy this morning.