Checking In

I have been out of touch most of the year. Today has been a rough one.

Bad things:

  • Hit snooze too many times.
  • Found the bug I’d flicked across the room a week ago. He three times his original size and I lost him again.
  • Hair color didn’t take on my sideburns (do women have sideburns?)
  • My over-medium egg popped when I flipped it
  • I stepped in something; gum or gummy or taffy – something sticky
  • realized I turned up the heat instead of down when I left for work
  • work was a shit-show
  • got a text from landlady that my rent check never made it (we’re halfway through the month)
  • some weirdo was leering at us after work
  • people’s feelings got hurt because I focus at work.

Good things:

  • Got to work on time
  • packed my lunch
  • ate my lunch
  • got praises for being awesome in a shit-show of a day
  • Getting reimbursed for my rent-check calamity and a letter as proof of purchase from my bank
  • got my order from the lady who makes everyone buy from her neice
  • found the bug, he’s dying – good for him
  • No pain

 

I stopped going to the doctor because the PT specialist weirded me out and it was expensive to go weekly. I still feel good but am probably backsliding a bit. Still losing weight. A lot closer to 300 than I was six months ago. I’m gonna say it’s eating regular meals and getting better sleep because nothing else has really changed.

I stopped dating because it’s awful. Stalkers, mama’s boys, meninists. And everything is my fault apparently. Too sexual, too prudish, too independent, too indecisive, immovable, too strict, too lax, not religious enough, too superstitious, too nerdy, not nerdy enough, don’t know how to party, party too hard, talk too much, don’t talk enough, Mom hates me, Dad loves me, friends love me, grandma hates me.

All at the same damn time.

Still have my goals but life conspires to keep me from them.

So, I started playing video games back in September. It was a hobby that I could use to 1) correct posture (I don’t recline and play games, I sit up, ready to pounce), 2) get out some aggression and stress, 3) take me out of my life. Worked but now I have a new obsession. Not all games just one. The Last of Us. It’s amazing. I can play it over and over. It’s got enough of a story to be a movie. It’s got enough game play to satisfy the beast. I was upset that there wasn’t a sequel or a movie… but now a sequel has been announced and I will wait impatiently for it.

I have played other games: Journey, Walking Dead Seasons 1 & 2. I also have a library full of them to keep me busy awhile.

I started reading again but in spurts. One weekend, I read 3 books. I’m due for another soon but it’s the holidays and I start projects and don’t finish them quite a bit.

My laptop died and I had to get another but cheaped out and it has almost no memory but now I have external drives that do the bulk of storage. Cloud services have disappointed and try to eat my files. Still, I’m doing the things that I like to do.

I am alive. I am doing mostly well. I’m getting to happier and happier places. My old friends aren’t… I don’t miss them much. I’m okay with my current friends. I’m still keeping to myself but it’s more of… I’m used to it than I seek to be myself.

I’m starting to be okay with myself. I love that.

I play video games. I collect comic books. I watch sci-fi. I read cheesy romance novels. I imagine a world of magic and dragons. I love me.

Tunes that I keep in my mind (Also trailers for awesome things):

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Help.

So exhausted.

Shortly after my last post, my coworker Gloria got sick. She missed a couple of days. I stepped up, like I do, and made sure everything got done. She came back and a day later, she got into a wreck. she didn’t miss work, though she should have but she wasn’t at full capacity. It’s fine. Then a few days she ended up in the hospital. She’s fine, now. Had surgery and in recovery. I’ve been making sure that everyday there is a manager or myself on duty. I am not a manager.

The last three weeks have been hell. To the fair the first week was just stressful and I had to pick up an extra day because our manager is also the vice president and he’s been taking on more duties in the VP capacity, takes him off site more and more. Our assistant manager is lazy as fuck and does literally as little as possible and he took a day. So that was workday 6 and the only member of management on the floor. The following week, I didn’t work extra but lazy fucktard of an assistant manager and our manager performing VP duties and that turned out to be because his stepmother’s mother passed and so… yeah, death stuff.

This past week was just HELL. I had to work a 6th day. I’m so tired. Mostly everything was okay until Wednesday. Events: A overnight dispatcher was frustrated about the events of the night, so I sent an email to HR on his behalf. A dispatcher didn’t find their schedule printed and waiting per usual. He only asked one person and that person was too busy to look. He sent an email to the entire company that basically stated a supervisor in the field didn’t do their job. I don’t know about this for HOURS because no one told me. When I did find out, it was after the owner took care of it himself. I tell the truth. “My fault. Usually it’s there, I didn’t check, I will from now on.” I didn’t names though I could have. I just chalked up that I got complacent that other people would do their jobs but the person who normally did it was off that night and the other people in charge couldn’t be bothered. Next, I was building a case for the dismissal of a person who just don’t have what it takes to do this job at the level that’s expected. I was yelled at for allowing a person who had been a temp to get hired on. I don’t like getting yelled at for something I didn’t do. As infuriating as my manager can be, I don’t like him getting yelled at if he didn’t do it (I’ve rather enjoyed him getting yelled at by HR before). I said it. Our lazy as fuck assistant manager made the unilateral decision to hire on a person who did not have the mental capacity to do the job because he wanted a body in the chair. We were given marching orders and I got excited because I EXCEL at marching to a beat set in clear terms. A dispatcher got fired for falsifying a document that I took. That was my bad. The signature was suspect and the stationary wasn’t stationary. I should have kicked her out but at 6am, I can’t vet shit and it’s not my job.

I was going to treat myself to a movie but I had to sign for a package at home first. So I rushed out as soon as I could (still an hour after I’m scheduled). Package didn’t come. Didn’t come. Three hours later I look on the website. Plans cancelled cause I knew it could show up as late as 8pm. Damn thing was delivered 20 minutes after I got home and no one knocked, left the package or a note. It was in the leasing office and by that point, the office had been closed for an hour. So I took a walk with my rage. Only my neighborhood doesn’t have sidewalks in some places and my bad leg makes walking on uneven surfaces really difficult. But I wore myself out and came home and went to bed.

Thursday morning, I walked into an iceberg. Overnight crew is livid at me because they were told by their manager that I had “thrown them under the bus.” No clue what was going on, I was subjected to shade so dark and fierce that my toes are still frozen and my very soul is chilly. The overnight assistant manager handed me a packet and stated that I had to take them into my hands and she was checking out with me. I was still very lost. I mentioned the thing that happened the morning before but that I took the heat on that. Frost. I said fuck it and went on with my day. Then one of my fellow supes walked in and said she was accosted at the door by the overnight assistant manager demanding to know who was telling stories. Still fucking lost.

I got dispatchers calling in for things they didn’t bother to schedule out, dispatchers going to the ER, dispatchers doing so terribly I can’t abide them being in their current locations, then one of my supervisors’ daughters was rushed to the ER. I started moving folks around. Then my seniors started getting mad because “she’s just sitting in the office but I got three trainees and she’s going to take one of my mentors.” My boss backed me up before I even had to explain the situation in full to him. So when this person walked up to me with attitude, I told him. We’re strapped. The trainees can just sit behind and if you got so many calls that you and your other two seniors can’t handle it, call a code.

My supervisor didn’t leave because her daughter needed a Zantac and a good fart, not the ER. So I didn’t move the mentor and then the trainees went back to class. Life righted itself. I can’t stand to be accused of not doing my job when a) we’re short staffed, b) we’re busy and I’m handling all the codes, and c) it’s my fucking day off and I’m in the office doing jobs that are NOT MINE just so I know the company isn’t tanking.

It wasn’t until the end of the shift I found out the other shifts’ manager unilaterally decided her shift was full of fucktards (it is but not the point) and they weren’t doing their job and had to check out with me (without telling me) and that a specific supervisor had to hand me the packet (she didn’t) and it was all a result of the email I responded to the day before about the thing that was MY FAULT. She’s fucking crazy. Her interpretation of events was so wildly off the chart that when I asked the other assistant manager, he couldn’t even give me anything because he knew nothing. So, now I’m mad at him too.

I came home and went to bed for three hours, then I woke up and got drunk. And I decorated my walls. Here are some clumsy photos:

It took forever and it is so satisfying even if it feels a little incomplete. And yes, those dragons are swooping in to take a swipe at that unicorn. If I’m honest about it… the dragon on the far right is the one attacking and the one on the far left just wants to watch and really, that unicorn will probably fuck them both up. And fire. Cause. Fire.

I feel really calm right now. I’m going to take advantage and take a nap. Then I’m going to a movie.

Some music to sleep by:

The Balance

Not sure I’m actually balanced but I’m on an even enough keel that I’m enjoying myself in general.

Work is work. I had to dispatch the entire day instead of supervise but it went quickly and I wasn’t so exhausted when I got home that I needed to take a nap. Bad news; I’ve gained 40 pounds since I started this job. Good news: I’ve lost 8 pounds of that in the last week simply by sleeping.

I’m trying to stay even so that trend continues. I’ll sleep when I’m sleepy and eat when I’m hungry and go from there. I need to make room for a place to do some… yoga-lite. I can’t balance correctly for actual yoga but some room for some stretches would be good. It would work out the kinks and get me going.

I find myself fixated on people for odd reasons. My protege at work is getting himself over his head with the office tart and he’s been warned so I’m just backing off and letting him find out for himself what she’s about. I despise the office romance. I’ve banned them for myself… in spite of what is sometimes said about me and one of my former coworkers, that’s not a line I’ve ever crossed at this job.

I’m feeling ready to start dating again but I don’t want to go about it the way I have been. Random hookups and drinking with my fringe friends. I absolutely need to stop drinking with the management team at work. That’s just too much.

I feel I’ve come to terms with myself. I am, in fact, a morbidly obese, barren, neurotic and I kind of love myself this way. I could be healthier. I could love myself more. I could do and be a lot of things. So could everyone else.

I miss my friends. I see them rarely. I need to do a deep clean of the apartment this week. I’m going out of town for a weekend and I would hate to come back to my usual filthy existence. I should really stop living as if I’m in a frat house. Job 1 was getting rid of the spiders and I think I’ve beat the suckers.

I’ve been bolstered by the communities online… nearly as well as I was 15 years ago when I still lived at home. I don’t have the direct support I used to… I burned those bridges in a manic episode some 8 years ago. Still… The Bloggess is going through a time and I feel for her. I circled the blackhole earlier this here and it was hell on earth. I hope I never go that deep again. Jared Padelecki and Always Keep Fighting (Third round!) in conjunction with To Write Love On Her Arms has kept me from the brink. Just to know there’s that kind of power and response out there. I bought a couple of shirts around my birthday and wearing them to work and having to explain them gives me this… sort of power over myself. To be strong while I explain. To be calm. To not be afraid that today is the day that I have the panic attack in front of everyone. Just to educate maybe one person at a time about mental health.

I’m looking for all my old joys. Reading fluffy novels at a goodly pace, watching my shows, going back and watching old shows, dabbling in writing when I’m not otherwise engaged, listening to music. Singing. I haven’t belted in years and I’m working myself back up to it. I’m so critical of my own voice that I never learned to love it and my range. I’m starting to really like what my voice does… even if I’m the only one who hears it. (To be honest, I could have a mic and amplifiers and I still would be the only one who could hear me)

I wish it weren’t so hot so I could explore the neighborhood. I’m less afraid of falling than I used to be. I’ve embraced my gait fully. I can tell, by my walk, how much pain I’m in. I don’t feel the pain most of the time but if I’ve got a swing in my hips, my back is good. If I walk like an uptight robot, I’m in for a rough day.

I’ve even been thinking of hitting on this guy I get a glimpse of once a day but I’m a chickenshit and that will probably never happen. I would normally be thinking that I’d cross paths, mumble something incoherent and have to leave the state in my mortification. I don’t feel like that. Just find myself reading into everything. Like, why does he sit in his car until after I pass when he has enough time to drive off before I get to his lane. I do walk very slow these days. Does it mean anything? I don’t know. Probably not. Possibly not. Anyway.

Watching the Hillywood Show Supernatural Parody constantly is helping my moods. I don’t think I’ve even heard the Taylor Swift original but I do love this Deanmon.

So, lessons:

Usual me = 

Earlier this year me = 

Me, this month = 

OR = 

In any case, here’s some music:

Tangled are the webs

So, I’m doing better than I was. I guess you can say I’m skewing up to a higher plane.

I’m still rather isolated from my usual crew. I’m building a new one, I guess… but half of those folks, I can’t really trust the way I would like.

I’ve come on some rather unsettling intel recently.

I’m not really a person to play games. If I say it, I mean it. I really do. So, I’ve hit my limit on people visiting my intentions.

I’m not out to get people fired. I’m not condemning people committing acts that I know nothing about. I’m not saying a thing to a person’s face and another behind their back. It’s just not my bag.

If I don’t like you, you won’t know it because I’m a nice person. If I despise you, you’ll know it by a distinct lack of my presence. If I like you, I’ll show it. If I love you, you’re in my heart even if you don’t care.

This conversation I had, I only remember pieces, the juiciest bits because I was on a cocktail of benadryl and alcohol. I may shade my own words but I’ve never put so much shadow that they’re unintelligible to people who know me. Still, I’ve found myself burdened with other people’s thoughts on my actions or inactions. I am cursed with my own vision of myself as it clashes with others visions of me.

I don’t have a lot of friends and I don’t spend a lot of time with the ones I have. I’ve never allowed a friend to stay in a bad situation if I could help it but we all know there are situations that you cannot insert yourself into. Other people’s marriages, for example, are none of my business. None. I have very strict views on the sanctity of marriage. Your marriage is not my business. Your husband is yours. Your wife is yours. I will not come between that. If you divorce or separate, that’s your business. It has nothing to do with me.

I’m not naive. People treat each other horribly everyday. I’m guilty myself. One thing I will never do, is involve myself with a married man. Will not do it. I absolutely detest movies that glorify cheating. I cannot abide it. You do with your life what you will but keep me out of it.

Manipulating people you hardly know to enhance your own life is shitty. Ex: I have a friend. She’s married to a man who is friends with some of my friends. The case of which that we know her through her husband. They have a child together. I am closest to the child out of the three of them. I’ve just spent more time with him that anyone else in that family. I have no clue what goes on in their marriage. I am aware of some circumstances as it came to be it interfered with my job but that’s the extent of it. I cannot take sides on a thing that I’m not knowledgeable of. After the event, it became whispered that there was an affair, an assault and maligning. All these things had nothing to do with me. I cannot take sides on a thing I was not a part of. Apparently, I have been blamed for a multitude of these things.

I’m so filled with rage that my name was invoked in any of it. I had nothing to do with it. I was background noise at the most.

I hate being judged for things that aren’t true. I don’t take up for wife-beaters. I don’t have affairs with dispatchers. I don’t try to make people fail at their relationships or jobs.

I make mistakes. I make plenty of thing. I’m in the middle of a mistake right now. You know what it doesn’t involve? My friends or my work. When I fuck up, I try to minimize the damage. It’s lonely but unless I’m sure what I’m doing, I don’t involve other people.

On a brighter note, the same conversation is forcing me to look at how I look at myself differently.

I’ve always been accused of stealing boyfriends. Strangest phenomena for someone who has trouble making eye contact with people in general. Once, I cheated. Once. I felt like shit. I cheated on a cheater because, at a wise 19, I thought it would make me feel better. It didn’t. So, I don’t cheat. I won’t participate in other people cheating.

I’ve always been heavy. I’m currently at my heaviest that I have ever been. I have never seen myself as the person who gets the guy. I was the DUFF before I know what that was. I’ve always seen myself that way. I have always been the smart one in the group. Always. One of my friends pointed out to me that I seem like a highly sexual person, just in the way that I carry myself. I’ve been told that I can be intimidating. I’ve been told I come off shy. So that kind of threw me. She said that what blows her out of the water about me is that I look so self-possessed and somehow don’t know it and it’s very alluring.

I don’t know if it’s enough to change my thought patterns but it’s shaken them up a bit. Enough that I’ve been locked in my house for 28 hours straight and spent most of those asleep.

I don’t know how I’m going to go to work and face those assholes who think they know me and clearly don’t. I don’t know how I’m going to get a word to my friends who aren’t speaking to me in order to clear up this confusion… if that’s even what it’s about.

It’s 5am and I haven’t slept and I may just spent the day watching Marilyn Monroe movies to get me out of my own head for a bit.

When does high school stop?

I mean, really.

Miranda went at it again this week. I just asked if she was okay. She was needing things repeated to her. She was being uncharacteristically grumbly and insubordinate. It was the kind of behavior that causes her to send people home. I just asked after her. She told me, later, she was sick and was having trouble with it. I did my best to be on my work… so our employees didn’t have to see her struggling…

She spent the shift undermining me at every turn, only I didn’t know it yet. One of our employees relayed a statement she’d made about my abilities at our job… or lack thereof. It pissed me off. Then it crushed me. I was at work. I don’t do crushed at work. The boss noticed. Pulled me aside. We had an impromptu staff meeting. She denied what was said about me. Said she’d say it to my face if she was going to say it. Blamed everything on cackling hens. Only, the person who told me was concerned enough to state that she was going to my boss with the behavior and statements.

I know that sometimes employees play the bosses off one another. I know that sometimes things get repeated that shouldn’t.

Miranda would absolutely do something like this. And that’s the whole of it.

She just made a comment about me and my buddy the other day and I told her to stop it. We fired him the same day.

So. Now I’m disappointed in him for being a dillhole who gets fired a day before his last day at work. I’m disappointed in me for letting myself have a panic attack at work. I’m disappointed in my boss for not recognizing that this is absolutely what she does and she picks on me because… who knows why. I’m disappointed in her for not being a fucking grown up and learning to deal in a professional manner at work.

I’m done with it. If I had another place to work, I’d go there. If I had a working car, I’d go for a drive.

I will miss my buddy. We’re neighbors but we never talked outside of that damned building. He did his level best to piss me off every day of his last two weeks. I tried not to let it get to me. I do feel a bit betrayed.

I had to hug Miranda to prove I was over it after the meeting but I don’t believe for a second she won’t do it again. I don’t believe for a second she understands that her actions have consequences because, when a person says STOP, you STOP.

When you don’t stop, it leads to issues. Issues that I will have to bring to HR if it happens again.

I love my job. I love the people I work with, even the annoying ones. I will not be subjected to bullying on a daily basis because a person is sick.

I’ve had my share of sick people using me as an emotional punching bag. My mother did it the last two years of her life. My father did it the year he was sick. Sir Douchebag of Douchenstein did it through our twisted relationship. Captain Weenie did it in our limited courtship. I’m done.

If she’s supernice to me tomorrow, I’m not going to acknowledge as anything but guilt. I’m going to do my job. I am good at my job. If the boss wants to talk to me, I’ll just tell him the truth. My trust is shattered. I’m an amiable person. If you are trying and I see it, I can help you, I can work with you, I can make you better at what you do. If you expect that the world is going to bend over and lick your ass because you just really want it to, then fuck you. Find someplace else to be. Do not exist around me.

And I have net again.

Geez, I’ve been away a while.

My internet was just installed after a month-long ordeal.

Recap:

I’ve moved closer to work. Very close.

I’m still settling in. I’m in financial dires but I’m working it out. I’m trying to keep my shit together so that I can keep doing so.

Today? Trigger day. It’s my mother’s birthday and I’ve tried to keep from thinking about it. I loved her and that was wonderful. Dad sent his text out. I teared up. My sister posted some angel bullshit to Facebook and I choked up. Then I shut it down. I cannot afford to wallow because that just starts a whole other mess of shit that I don’t want to deal with. Tomorrow is my ex’s birthday and also the estimated due date of the child I almost had. He or she would have turned 5 tomorrow. Friday is Dad’s birthday and I just need to keep it together so when I call him, I can sound like a grown-up.

This was the 3rd appointment I made to have my internet installed. It was hassle after hassle and this company has really shitty customer service. The rep who took my order was wonderful. The technician was wonderful. The TEN people I talked in between were terrible, terrible people but I didn’t have any options given my geographic location as there’s only one company who will come out to this place. I finally have it and it’s still giving me problems but I have faith that it’s just the first day type shit.

Stuff at work is better. The drama, for the most part, doesn’t involve me. Miranda was talked to and she actually changed before she was talked to because she knew from the moment I walked in that Thursday that she was in deep shit. My only problem with her now is that she’s convinced my buddy “David” and I should be dating. I… Work is not my hunting ground. He’s an attractive and funny dude but he’s my buddy. That’s a line I will not cross. I just wish Miranda would leave it alone. I don’t show him preferential treatment but we have a rapport and it keeps both of us going through the longer days.

Speaking of which. Captain Weenie made a reemergence. He was the dude that had a firm timeline for our relationship before it started and I was too fragile to handle anything more than winging it. He and I did not part well. Well, he and I found each other on a dating app (a different one than the one we originally met on) and agreed to meet up and try again with a clean slate… Apparently, he doesn’t actually know what that phrase means.

The first go round was okay. We met on this one app. We went on a terrible date. Bad food, not enough conversation. We mutually declared a mulligan in the middle. Changed locations and started over. CW and myself had a lot in common. This led to a second date. Third date cancelled on account of my old crazy job. On our actual third date, I met half of his friends. I wasn’t expecting it. I introduced him to Laurel and Ninjamin. They liked him. I liked him. He liked me… He wanted me to RSVP to an invitation that he had to RSVP to very shortly. It was a destination wedding. It was going to be he and I on a trip across state to his best friend’s wedding. We’d only hugged by that point. Dates kept getting interrupted by work, and also some panic attacks. One date was at my place cause I sprained my ankle. He still didn’t make it to first base. Gerald and I had a conversation about it. I couldn’t get it up for CW. We were alike, maybe too much alike and I had to kill it sooner rather than later. I called it off. He told me I had issues in a sort of backhanded manner that left a bad taste in my mouth.

So, this clean slate coffee thing? Not so much. I still felt zero sexual attraction. This is a very horny lady speaking. Very. Couldn’t get that feeling going. Maybe it was a bit obvious as we chitchatted and got caught up on the last three years. He made a snide comment about my focus. Okay, I say snide but it was offhand. Maybe I was distracted. Maybe I was still thinking about the way he took his dismissal. Maybe I was just too aloof. Something about me just set him off. Now, on his good days, his voice is still softer than mine… it was kind of funny. I didn’t mean to laugh. I did. Just a little. It was fuckin’ adorable. He stormed out. I finished my coffee and then went to a movie. I had a better time at the movie by myself.

I usually do.

So Captain Weenie and I were not meant to be.

So… maybe I do have a habit of emasculating men but I do adore them. I like them a lot.

Shrug.

I’m just gonna buy some birds and become a crazy bird lady.

Songs of the Week:

SanguinDrake – Get Up And Walk Away

Kacey Musgraves – The Trailer Song

The Darkness – I Believe in Thing Called Love

Rosalee and Steve Carlson – I Believe

Anna Kendrick – Cups

Grant Lee Buffalo – Demon Called Deception

Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should Have Come Over

Lana Del Ray – Once Upon A Dream

SanguinDrake – Instant Gratification

Cyndi Lauper – Time After Time

Women in the workplace

This is going to ramble. I’m experiencing all my triggers right now. It’s all due to a work thing.

I even just realized why it’s been so hard to cope in this situation.

Premise:

There are four of us who are supervisors; three women, one man. Our immediate supervisor is our manager who is a male. There are lots of management shenanigans that we just deal with. Two managers are women and one is a man. The woman-to-man ratio is pretty high. Below the supervisors are mentors, also high ratio of women-to-men. Below the mentors are senior staff (folks who have been with the company over a year) and below them are staff (with the company under a year) and then trainees. Above our managers is the corporate department. Everyone offices in the same location in a series of offices. There are a wide range of personalities that will come with so many people.

Recently, my manager has had some medical issues. My senior supervisor and I have taken to looking after him and his interests. He’s not himself and we’re trying to shield the staff from his current status. We’re also trying to make sure we’re handling all problems so he doesn’t have to be so involved. She and I are spearheading this effort as our third female supervisor is the self-labeled pit bull. She’s the hard hitter who does everything by the book. Our fourth is our dude who is laidback in his approach to most things to a point but is able to get his point across when things need changing. Too many people. Let us name them all.

“Gloria” is our senior supervisor. She’s been with the company 5 years and has been a supervisor for over 2 years. She’s recently earned her M-F schedule as she’s been working alone for six months before the rest of us were promoted. “Plato” is our dude who ran the department by himself when Gloria was out sick last summer. He and I work the weekends together as we are chronologically low on the totem. I was promoted in January though I was not even technically senior staff but was a mentor so it evened out. “Miranda” has been with the company 5 years and was a supervisor early on but stepped down some point before Gloria was promoted. She was promoted after I was. According to the heirarchy as it stands, I’m “over” Miranda. Miranda doesn’t like that anyone is over her as she believes she is the oldest member of the staff.

A bit about Miranda. She is a year younger than me but lied to me once that she was a year older than me. She likes to speak to Gloria and myself as if we are children. We do have a company policy about “sweetie, honey, darling” and so these are not terms I’ve ever used with my colleagues of any station. Gloria and Miranda feel a bit freer with it. I am always referred to as “sweetie” by Miranda. Now Miranda was tapped by the boss, and by boss I mean owner, to be a pit bull. This has created issues in the past as complaints have gone to HR about her violating space by putting her belly and breasts into the private space of some of our workers. I’ve tried to model better behavior. I’ve gone to other people for advice on how to address this with her. I was specifically asked to address this issue as one of my prominent features is my chest. I’ve also have 5 years experience in telling people how to deal with people. Nothing worked and I told my manager this. She eventually stopped.

Gloria and Miranda have a strained relationship. It is due to their longevity with the company and the roles that have flipped and flopped over the years. When I was promoted, I was instructed to shadow. I was unanimously approved and everyone was eager to train me and I was eager to learn. One of my selling points was my familiarity with software that was slowly creeping across the company that has become our most important operations tool. So, when I was promoted I was put in to oversee the rooms where this software was being used exclusively before it rolled out. When it was rolling out, I was set in each room to oversee it’s transition, despite where I was “placed to post” on that particular day.

Now, I am an amiable person. I’m amenable to any circumstance. Most people think I’m a doormat because I’m quiet but what people who work closely with me have realized is that I choose my words carefully. I believe that words are important. I recognize that “gloating over” and “gloat it” are not actual phrases and I ignore them when used because these are not real things. The terms should have been “sassing” and “sneering” but that’s not the topic here. I am a professional. I can work with anyone whether I like them or not. I am cordial and friendly. When I have to be stern, I am. If I can’t handle the situation, I go up the chain of command. This means that on Saturday and Sunday, I go to Plato. On Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, I go to Gloria. If it’s bad enough, I go to my manager with it. This is the procedure.

Last week:

Mondays are the beginning of the new work schedule. Plato makes it out on Thursday and makes changes on Sunday before it’s published by one of the other managers (usually after 5pm on Sunday night). The changes are always due to terminations and floor issues. So, the trend has been that because the schedule is published so late, not everyone gets their schedule on time (our shift lets out at 3pm) and there is some confusion for trainees. Gloria and Miranda threw Plato under the bus for it four weeks in a row. On Wednesday, Plato work a strongly worded email to management about the issue he faced and his proposed solution, that in addition to all his extra duties, he would also be composing a weekly email to explain his changes, where the input came from and who authorized them and this would eliminate the confusion.

Thursday:

My manager asked if I was mad at him to. I had no idea what he was talking about but I was busy working and wasn’t too concerned with it. Gloria and Miranda were furious with Plato. Thursday is the only day of the week that all four of us are on the schedule as well as having our manager in the building. Our manager asked that I be more vocal in my opinions on where people should be placed for efficiency and effectiveness. I ran with it. I’m just really getting comfortable with this part fo the job as I now have enough experience with the pods and the staff to make these decisions without conferring with someone else.

Miranda didn’t like that I shot down her nomination for a pod lead. I didn’t just veto, I explained that while this person was a hard worker and could get the job done, she skips steps. Not vital ones but ones that are important to vocalize when teaching someone else. This part is very important. Skipping steps in the teaching process produces workers who don’t work the way we want them to. You have to be aware of all the steps before you can prioritize which steps you will need and which you will skip.

I developed a migraine and rode out half my shift with sunglasses (I had permission) and I don’t remember a whole lot of that day.

Saturday:

There was a system crash and the software that houses the billing implements was not negotiable for the entire day. Work was completed but it was not put into the billing systems as there was no access.

Sunday:

I spent the whole day transferring billing information while my manager, in his medically-induced haze, tried to joke around and figure out if I was mad at him. I told him that I wasn’t mad but I was trying to get the billing entered. It was a short-staffed day, as all Sundays are, and there was an overwhelming amount of work to be done. Plato and I discussed the dissention with Gloria and Miranda. We discussed the changes that needed to happen to the schedule. I thought it was putting a good start to the week.

Monday:

The call-ins were overwhelming. Gloria had to send an email out about any changes that were no implemented. She and I had a brief discussion about our manager’s health and mind set. He was in the building already but was unsteady on his feet. My concerns were about him, all day. I told him to stay at his desk and we would get him if we needed him. Miranda came and found me in the room where I was working and asked why she was being “boycotted.” I was sitting in a pod with one mentor, one dispatcher and one trainee. There was so much work that we should have traded out some folks but I powered through it. I pointed to the workload and stated, clearly, that I wasn’t “boycotting” anyone but I was very busy. She asked me this three times throughout the day. I didn’t have time for that. Then our manager disappeared. It took forever to find out he went to lunch with someone in an adjacent department and just failed to let us know where he went.

Tensions rose and there was a lot to get done. The software issues continued to slow down billing but the productivity never slowed so the remaining billing just kept piling up.

Every Monday, the same thing happens as shiftchange. I get caught at a desk and when the relief comes, I go to Miranda and ask if she needs help. She always says “You know, I’ve got this. I don’t need anything. It’s 2:30pm, you can go.” Then I turn to our manager and let him know I’m leaving.

This particular Monday, it was 3pm before I could get up from my desk. Shift change was happening rapidly and successfully. I walked the floor three times. I saw that Miranda had everything under control and I could not find my manager, I checked out with the next shift manager. I got a text from Gloria just before 7pm saying that Miranda texted her to say that we ditched her. First off, there is no “ditching.” The work that I was responsible for was completed and I checked out with a manager after making sure everything was going okay. That is my job and the protocol. It turns out Gloria had to do the same thing I did.

Tuesday:

We all got an email from our manager in all caps that we were not to leave the building without his express permission ever. Then we got an email from Miranda stating that she didn’t mean to get us in trouble. It caused immediate chaos. Bossman was not in the office all day due to his illness. Miranda was stalking Gloria. I was WORKING. I was trying to get on top of the billing issues and Miranda was demanding to know, on the floor, why I wasn’t talking to her. I was BUSY. I was WORKING.

I went to work dressed in a button shirt over a tank top and slacks. I was so uncomfortable with the energy and the situation, that I put on a hoodie. Did I mention it’s Texas and also summer? A zipped up hoodie, all day. At one point, I looked so distraught that my buddy (a mentor and replacement for my previous position) had to keep telling me over and over that it would be all right.

Right, didn’t I mention that due to all of the above stress, I’ve been broken out in hives and my shoulders are knotted up and my usual affable demeanor is no more? Everyone on the floor could see that there was something up. Then Miranda came at me on the floor to bitch about being ditched. I had nothing to say to her. I was done.

When my seat was relieved, I walked the floor until 2:30pm and then let Gloria check us out with the boss via text as he was still not present. Then I went to tell Miranda we were leaving and she acted confused as to why I was standing there. As if she had not created a situation where I had to supplicate myself to her in order to leave from my shift.

Today:

I’m still knotted up. I colored my hair last night. I tried out some rollers. I tried to detoxify from that situation. I’ve been planning what I’m going to say to my boss tomorrow because there’s a conversation that has to be had. There’s a lot that needs to be said. I’m in a precariously life position and work was my safe haven. Work is no longer that. I have to watch everything I say and do or I offend Ms. Miranda. The situation is toxic. There are changes coming to the company but I’m not aware of all of that. I just know that we’re in a place that will break half of the supervisors.

I was reading an article about how girls are taught to listen and not speak. Generally, I agree with that. I do not speak unless spoken to. I have to be prompted to say what’s on my mind because other people realize I need to talk before I do. Miranda has never been that. She has always said what she’s thought and she always feels like no one hears her. I identify with that only… I never speak up. I started speaking up and it freaked her out. My opinions are not hers and she’s upset that we don’t agree. I often feel this element of pressure to be her friend but I don’t friend well. I got used to be friends with people who decided to be my friend rather than people who I wanted to be friends with.

Gloria and I get along. We’re both single and trying to date in this world. She’s got a kid. I have experience with being responsible for people. Plato and I are readers and we don’t do conflict but he’s much better as resolving conflict than I am. I’m still learning this management thing. I developed a lot of tools for doing my job. On my own and with the advice from my boss.

Every day when I go to work, I let people get settled into their seats. I rush people along with a friendly “go, go, go. hurry, hurry, hurry.” Then I walk the floor. I chit-chat a bit to get a feel for their moods. I confer with my fellow supervisors. I check in with the pods that are busy. Then I post somewhere where I can be effective. Now, I get some shit from Miranda because I default to a particular room. I am most effective in that room for these reasons; when an employee gets really good, we pull them from that back room into the front room. It means that we have a few seniors and mentors that run things and the help is always coming and going. I know all the markets, I can run the whole room from one desk if I have to. I am most EFFECTIVE at doing that.

A previous issue with Miranda was that she be in that room for a week. All the markets tanked. She wasn’t helping them. She was just yelling at them.

I’ve been known to yell, to bark. But I am most known for my quiet manner. That I will take a seat and keep my voice low when I address an issue. I will pull a person out of a room, quietly, to have a lengthy discussion about demeanor. I will pull a person out of a room to address attire. My diplomacy and my way with words are my best weapons. I use them daily.

I feel attacked and violated. There’s this competition going on that I’m not aware of. I don’t know what the prize is. I don’t want to leave the job. I love my job. I love what I do… when I am left to do my job. I almost want to go up there today to have that conversation that I need to have with my manager. I need to check in with him as I haven’t heard how he’s doing.

I do know that if the toxicity continues, I will not continue to work there… or I will definitely go to HR with my concerns about the ability of anyone to effectively do their jobs when they are not at liberty to speak at anything regarding their jobs with each other.

So Torn.

It’s been a spectacularly crappy week.

I can’t. Even. No.

I’ve been all over the place. Mood swings, falling over shit. I fell today actually. My good foot lost traction and my bad foot can’t compensate and down I went. I had a trash bag in each hand so I couldn’t even break my own fall. That fear I had of walking around my complex and falling down and no one being able to help me… Happened. On the plus side. NO ONE SAW ME. That was mainly because we had a tornado or some tornado-like behavior and all maintenance folk were busy covering the windows of the folk who lost their windows in last night’s hail.

I’m one of those people. I was on my way home from work, much later than usual. I texted my other half Laurel St. James and she informed me of the impending tornado near to my house… and I got this message as I was in bumper to bumper traffic on a bridge over water. I prayed and drove while I tried to find that local emergency station. I managed to circumvent the storm. My home did not. North-side windows at my complex are all a variety of shattered and broken.

I have the worst bitch from Hell as one of my new managers. She’s crazy and I’m going to walk out someday soon. I love my regular managers but that’s just how bad this woman is and really I only see her two days a week unless I go in on an off day. I’m not sure I”m recovered enough from my previous job to handle a person this unhinged.

I’ve been planning to post for a while but… Life. I’ve tried dating a few guys but it’s all blah. We get to date three and discover there’s a significant spiritual incompatibility and it’s just too much. I seem to attract “Good Christian Folk” because I guess I “look” like one of their kind. I don’t have anything against those folk. Devout people are admirable. I’m just not one of them. I watched my family’s spirituality swirl down the toilet as my parents fought about whose religion we were all going to follow. I believe in God. Everything else is just unknowable and unquantifiable. I just… can’t profess to believe in things that I don’t feel are true enough that I would wage a holy war over it. I’m just trying to be a good person. THat’s all that anyone can really try to be. If you need a devout person to share your life with, churches hold single’s nights. That’s where your girl is. Not here. Not me.

Are you spinning yet? That’s only about a quarter of what’s going on in my brain.

I keep getting baby stuff in the mail. I think I briefly researched some stuff when Laurel St. James was pregnant… and I think someone who used to live in this apartment is currently throwing baby showers (I got an invitation to a stranger’s shower). It freaks me out a bit. I have a bunch of stuff in my car that I’m going to take over to her if I can ever make it over. It makes my head spin. Clocks ticking. My neurotic tendencies telling me that having babies is a bad idea. I lost my necklace for a bit yesterday. I freaked out about it all day long. I’m not a person who freaks out. I’m not a person who would stay home from work to look for a piece of jewelry. Most people at work could tell I was stressed but not that I was on the edge. That kid would be nearly 5 this year. That thought freaks me out.

I’m also ovulating. Makes all the moods that much moodier. Also, a lot of guys who are normally on the no-list look pretty appealing. Just let me go shoot myself before I end up with another Sir Douchecanoe of Douchenshire. I’m going to blindfold myself, put my phone in a drawer and avoid speaking to men at all costs. Just for a while.

I have to move. I can’t afford my apartment. I can’t find a roommate who isn’t crazy. I looked around at prices. They all want more money than I’m already spending for less space than I have now. I have less than 30 days to give my notice if I’m going to re-lease or vacate at the end of the summer. My options don’t look good unless I magically get a higher paying job and/or get some asshole to marry me. I recognize that at this point in my life, it will take an asshole to put up with me.

So, on a regular day, I’m thinking about the above. On a regular day, I can handle it. This week? Nope. Can’t handle it. Won’t handle it. Don’t want it. Please, make it stop.

Scroogey McScroogeface

Merry Christmas.

 That’s about all the Christmas cheer I can muster.

At least I decorated this year. Maybe I just did it last week.

I’m not feeling it. I haven’t felt it in a long time. I’m dreading the day. I know it’s okay. I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be with people. I have the day off work. I feel bad for not feeling it.

I haven’t been feeling much of anything that isn’t hunger, pain or anxiety or incredible sadness.

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been busy. And sick. Right before Thanksgiving I got sick. Everything I ate made me sick one way or another. I started looking for a doctor but after the last doctor I saw for non-back related problem, I’m skittish. My current predicament has brought that last one to the fore… over and over again. It’s dragging back into the pits of depression.

I cry at the drop of hat. I’m starting to cry right now. For a microsecond I had a thought about the child I almost had and never really wanted and bam! Tears. I’m an extremely patient person and I’m really good with kids. I just don’t want any myself. That may change. I don’t really have long to change my mind but I decided a long time ago that I didn’t want kids if I didn’t have someone to share them with.

It’s just one of the many things that makes me feel other and abnormal. I was getting good at not feeling that way anymore. Since I’ve been sick, I have been taking my supplements in a reliable way and I haven’t really been able to take anything for pain so my moods have been all over the place. I rationalize my mood. I allow it pass through and know that it will but it just keeps coming.

I’m going to actually get to a doctor as soon as I can figure out my plan. If there’s not a solution in that, I don’t know what else to do.

I’m going to spend Christmas with my second family. I’m going to miss my family. I’ll spend New Years at home because I don’t have the energy to go out and do something. I spent last New Years a blubbery mess. I spent the New Year’s before that pissed off at the people I couldn’t find. The year before that I was with a roommate. The year before that I spent it waiting for people to call and show up who never did so I clung to the worst boyfriend that I have ever had. None of it was good.

I’m not feeling the cheer and goodwill but I know. I KNOW. I just know there’s going to be a change soon. I can feel that. Good or bad, it’s going to happen and I will make it work. That’s what I do. I make things work.

Dating over 30 — #14

So, I played hooky. I know tomorrow is my official day off but I’m exhausted and I needed a full weekend because I plan on working a lot in the near future. As much as my body will let me. And I’m going to ramp up my housekeeping skills. So, I need to plan and get a head start.

I reactivated some of my profiles. I don’t know if I’m ready but I need to make a change. I was scolling through the messages I hadn’t read. There are some gems.

“Do you have an extra heart, mine seems to have been stolen.”

“If life was a book, you’d be the fine print!”

Cheesy but about what I expected. One of the sites registers popularity and my rose without me doing a damn thing. It’s a little creepy.

I’m trying to just be honest with myself. I have a little crush on a person I know. He’s generally accepted as an asshole and it’s a deterrent but I feel a spark. No clue if he does because I suck at that stuff. I’ve been burned by younger guys before. I just figure I’ll enjoy the company while I have it.

Really, I just want a guy who treats me nice and has something else to do while I’m writing or reading a book and is not going to freak out that I put Finger Eleven, Bob Seger, Madilyn Bailey and The Civil Wars in the same playlist. Cause that’s totally going to happen all the time. I’m going to listen to Harry Potter soundtracks while I read about zombies. I’m going to write about dragons while I watch SVU. I’m going to talk about Supernatural and Defiance for hours. I’m going to recount the events of The Women of The Otherworld. I’m going to rant about Tony Romo and cheer on the Cowboys. I’m going to cry when I watch Sunshine. I will not allow anything Twilight related in my home. Gonna make popcorn to read books. Gonna put onions and jalapenos in anything I can get away with. Same goes for Hatch chile. The coffee’s going to be hot and black. I’m going to eat lemons all by themselves, jalapenos too. Gonna tuck myself into a corner and enjoy the scenery. Gonna hide in the bathroom when my anxiety runs too high. Gonna wear my Captain America shirt in public all the damn time. I’ll lose weight when I’m good and ready and not a moment sooner and certainly not for anyone else’s benefit.

Too tall an order? We’ll see.