Help.

So exhausted.

Shortly after my last post, my coworker Gloria got sick. She missed a couple of days. I stepped up, like I do, and made sure everything got done. She came back and a day later, she got into a wreck. she didn’t miss work, though she should have but she wasn’t at full capacity. It’s fine. Then a few days she ended up in the hospital. She’s fine, now. Had surgery and in recovery. I’ve been making sure that everyday there is a manager or myself on duty. I am not a manager.

The last three weeks have been hell. To the fair the first week was just stressful and I had to pick up an extra day because our manager is also the vice president and he’s been taking on more duties in the VP capacity, takes him off site more and more. Our assistant manager is lazy as fuck and does literally as little as possible and he took a day. So that was workday 6 and the only member of management on the floor. The following week, I didn’t work extra but lazy fucktard of an assistant manager and our manager performing VP duties and that turned out to be because his stepmother’s mother passed and so… yeah, death stuff.

This past week was just HELL. I had to work a 6th day. I’m so tired. Mostly everything was okay until Wednesday. Events: A overnight dispatcher was frustrated about the events of the night, so I sent an email to HR on his behalf. A dispatcher didn’t find their schedule printed and waiting per usual. He only asked one person and that person was too busy to look. He sent an email to the entire company that basically stated a supervisor in the field didn’t do their job. I don’t know about this for HOURS because no one told me. When I did find out, it was after the owner took care of it himself. I tell the truth. “My fault. Usually it’s there, I didn’t check, I will from now on.” I didn’t names though I could have. I just chalked up that I got complacent that other people would do their jobs but the person who normally did it was off that night and the other people in charge couldn’t be bothered. Next, I was building a case for the dismissal of a person who just don’t have what it takes to do this job at the level that’s expected. I was yelled at for allowing a person who had been a temp to get hired on. I don’t like getting yelled at for something I didn’t do. As infuriating as my manager can be, I don’t like him getting yelled at if he didn’t do it (I’ve rather enjoyed him getting yelled at by HR before). I said it. Our lazy as fuck assistant manager made the unilateral decision to hire on a person who did not have the mental capacity to do the job because he wanted a body in the chair. We were given marching orders and I got excited because I EXCEL at marching to a beat set in clear terms. A dispatcher got fired for falsifying a document that I took. That was my bad. The signature was suspect and the stationary wasn’t stationary. I should have kicked her out but at 6am, I can’t vet shit and it’s not my job.

I was going to treat myself to a movie but I had to sign for a package at home first. So I rushed out as soon as I could (still an hour after I’m scheduled). Package didn’t come. Didn’t come. Three hours later I look on the website. Plans cancelled cause I knew it could show up as late as 8pm. Damn thing was delivered 20 minutes after I got home and no one knocked, left the package or a note. It was in the leasing office and by that point, the office had been closed for an hour. So I took a walk with my rage. Only my neighborhood doesn’t have sidewalks in some places and my bad leg makes walking on uneven surfaces really difficult. But I wore myself out and came home and went to bed.

Thursday morning, I walked into an iceberg. Overnight crew is livid at me because they were told by their manager that I had “thrown them under the bus.” No clue what was going on, I was subjected to shade so dark and fierce that my toes are still frozen and my very soul is chilly. The overnight assistant manager handed me a packet and stated that I had to take them into my hands and she was checking out with me. I was still very lost. I mentioned the thing that happened the morning before but that I took the heat on that. Frost. I said fuck it and went on with my day. Then one of my fellow supes walked in and said she was accosted at the door by the overnight assistant manager demanding to know who was telling stories. Still fucking lost.

I got dispatchers calling in for things they didn’t bother to schedule out, dispatchers going to the ER, dispatchers doing so terribly I can’t abide them being in their current locations, then one of my supervisors’ daughters was rushed to the ER. I started moving folks around. Then my seniors started getting mad because “she’s just sitting in the office but I got three trainees and she’s going to take one of my mentors.” My boss backed me up before I even had to explain the situation in full to him. So when this person walked up to me with attitude, I told him. We’re strapped. The trainees can just sit behind and if you got so many calls that you and your other two seniors can’t handle it, call a code.

My supervisor didn’t leave because her daughter needed a Zantac and a good fart, not the ER. So I didn’t move the mentor and then the trainees went back to class. Life righted itself. I can’t stand to be accused of not doing my job when a) we’re short staffed, b) we’re busy and I’m handling all the codes, and c) it’s my fucking day off and I’m in the office doing jobs that are NOT MINE just so I know the company isn’t tanking.

It wasn’t until the end of the shift I found out the other shifts’ manager unilaterally decided her shift was full of fucktards (it is but not the point) and they weren’t doing their job and had to check out with me (without telling me) and that a specific supervisor had to hand me the packet (she didn’t) and it was all a result of the email I responded to the day before about the thing that was MY FAULT. She’s fucking crazy. Her interpretation of events was so wildly off the chart that when I asked the other assistant manager, he couldn’t even give me anything because he knew nothing. So, now I’m mad at him too.

I came home and went to bed for three hours, then I woke up and got drunk. And I decorated my walls. Here are some clumsy photos:

It took forever and it is so satisfying even if it feels a little incomplete. And yes, those dragons are swooping in to take a swipe at that unicorn. If I’m honest about it… the dragon on the far right is the one attacking and the one on the far left just wants to watch and really, that unicorn will probably fuck them both up. And fire. Cause. Fire.

I feel really calm right now. I’m going to take advantage and take a nap. Then I’m going to a movie.

Some music to sleep by:

The Balance

Not sure I’m actually balanced but I’m on an even enough keel that I’m enjoying myself in general.

Work is work. I had to dispatch the entire day instead of supervise but it went quickly and I wasn’t so exhausted when I got home that I needed to take a nap. Bad news; I’ve gained 40 pounds since I started this job. Good news: I’ve lost 8 pounds of that in the last week simply by sleeping.

I’m trying to stay even so that trend continues. I’ll sleep when I’m sleepy and eat when I’m hungry and go from there. I need to make room for a place to do some… yoga-lite. I can’t balance correctly for actual yoga but some room for some stretches would be good. It would work out the kinks and get me going.

I find myself fixated on people for odd reasons. My protege at work is getting himself over his head with the office tart and he’s been warned so I’m just backing off and letting him find out for himself what she’s about. I despise the office romance. I’ve banned them for myself… in spite of what is sometimes said about me and one of my former coworkers, that’s not a line I’ve ever crossed at this job.

I’m feeling ready to start dating again but I don’t want to go about it the way I have been. Random hookups and drinking with my fringe friends. I absolutely need to stop drinking with the management team at work. That’s just too much.

I feel I’ve come to terms with myself. I am, in fact, a morbidly obese, barren, neurotic and I kind of love myself this way. I could be healthier. I could love myself more. I could do and be a lot of things. So could everyone else.

I miss my friends. I see them rarely. I need to do a deep clean of the apartment this week. I’m going out of town for a weekend and I would hate to come back to my usual filthy existence. I should really stop living as if I’m in a frat house. Job 1 was getting rid of the spiders and I think I’ve beat the suckers.

I’ve been bolstered by the communities online… nearly as well as I was 15 years ago when I still lived at home. I don’t have the direct support I used to… I burned those bridges in a manic episode some 8 years ago. Still… The Bloggess is going through a time and I feel for her. I circled the blackhole earlier this here and it was hell on earth. I hope I never go that deep again. Jared Padelecki and Always Keep Fighting (Third round!) in conjunction with To Write Love On Her Arms has kept me from the brink. Just to know there’s that kind of power and response out there. I bought a couple of shirts around my birthday and wearing them to work and having to explain them gives me this… sort of power over myself. To be strong while I explain. To be calm. To not be afraid that today is the day that I have the panic attack in front of everyone. Just to educate maybe one person at a time about mental health.

I’m looking for all my old joys. Reading fluffy novels at a goodly pace, watching my shows, going back and watching old shows, dabbling in writing when I’m not otherwise engaged, listening to music. Singing. I haven’t belted in years and I’m working myself back up to it. I’m so critical of my own voice that I never learned to love it and my range. I’m starting to really like what my voice does… even if I’m the only one who hears it. (To be honest, I could have a mic and amplifiers and I still would be the only one who could hear me)

I wish it weren’t so hot so I could explore the neighborhood. I’m less afraid of falling than I used to be. I’ve embraced my gait fully. I can tell, by my walk, how much pain I’m in. I don’t feel the pain most of the time but if I’ve got a swing in my hips, my back is good. If I walk like an uptight robot, I’m in for a rough day.

I’ve even been thinking of hitting on this guy I get a glimpse of once a day but I’m a chickenshit and that will probably never happen. I would normally be thinking that I’d cross paths, mumble something incoherent and have to leave the state in my mortification. I don’t feel like that. Just find myself reading into everything. Like, why does he sit in his car until after I pass when he has enough time to drive off before I get to his lane. I do walk very slow these days. Does it mean anything? I don’t know. Probably not. Possibly not. Anyway.

Watching the Hillywood Show Supernatural Parody constantly is helping my moods. I don’t think I’ve even heard the Taylor Swift original but I do love this Deanmon.

So, lessons:

Usual me = 

Earlier this year me = 

Me, this month = 

OR = 

In any case, here’s some music:

Birthday Tunes

I don’t normally celebrate my birthday on my birthday but I had decided to do this sometime in the last two weeks. It seemed important as it was 33 and I’m dreading being 33. Events this week would normally make me not celebrate like it did the year I turned 29, when my aunt passed away as I was settling into work that day.

So, I’m trying to get into the mood. I’m pretty moody, so there are some tunes I compiled for my birthday mixtape as a gift to myself.

MindBroken – Rubicon

http://kiwi6.com/file/ikcnilac0g

 

Currency

 

Little Black Submarines

 

Radioactive

 

Paperweight

 

My Reflection

 

Voices Carry

 

You Can Keep ‘Em

 

My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys

 

MindBroken – These Are My Friends

http://kiwi6.com/file/nqxb7460ob

 

Perfect Memory

 

Almost Lover

 

Cups

 

Do I Wanna Know?

 

Valerie


Gravity Affects Me

 

Til the End

 

She Ain’t Me

 

Something’s Gotta Give

 

There they are, in no particular order. (I had to figure a way to post the old Mindbroken songs as Slumber was the only one on the net.)