Jeepers!!!

Wow, has it been a long time since I last posted. No real reason for it than I find myself preoccupied and not necessarily with projects or hobbies. Mindless phone games. Why post now?

I got a new position at my job with a new schedule. I transitioned this week and it was kind of hard on my body. No matter how I arranged it, I was going to work 7 days in a row and I figured it just had to happen. I went from early mornings to mid-mornings and ending pretty much whenever I wanted but I hate not having a hard and set schedule so I’ll be working on that. I’m revamping a long-existing position that didn’t have industrious people in it for a few years. There’s also no checklist for all the things I have to do. But guess what? I love making LISTS.

I started doing things for myself. Probably spent more money that I should (see, I still feel weird about it) but it’s greatly improved my sense of self. What did I do?

I bought a new desk. I haven’t had one in a few years. I experimented with lap desks and trays but I need to sit at desk where I can rest my arms and lean into the screen because it just feels better than staring down at my lap. (I adjusted my screen again so I had to tilt my head up a bit.) Now, the desk feels a bit flimsy so I can’t lean on it too hard but that’s fine cause I also got a chair that’s good for my posture. Not a fancy deal just a sturdy chair that feels best when I sit up. I also made several desk organizers because I have accumulated so much office equipment in the last 10 years.

I started penpalling but it’s not going so well. I want to practice my penmanship and know what I hate? Workbooks. I’ll get there. I’m accumulating a small fountain pen collection and one glass pen. My handwriting is readable but I’m nowhere near calligraphy level. It’s calming. I do struggle with manners in this sense. Talking to a person, there are chit-chat rules. Still, it’s good practice.

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I got a new TV. I put near my desk so that I can work at the desk and writing and or whichever. If you could see my desk right now, it’s pretty ridiculous. I can’t stop multitasking sometimes. I’ve got my laptop up, my tablet is playing a game and the TV is giving me a slideshow to go with my playlist.

AND I GOT PLANTS. I kill plants. Seriously. My mom used to blame me for her plants dying because years after her failed attempts, we would find out I was allergic to them and it was probably good they didn’t thrive. But now these are my plants. The little guy that’s upside down is drying out and he’s pretty strong to stay in the shot glass that way. Now that I’ve got him in there properly, he only goes to halfway. They all got a bath this morning and hopefully they’ll grow. The strongest ones have the least light but I plan to rotate them around the house. These are supposed to be easy to take care of because they don’t need soil, they get nutrients from the air (and purify it in the process), only need light watering, weekly baths and monthly plant food. The big one was in a cup the last few days (they all had to recover from shipment) and she started climbing out of the cup on her own. They make me so happy.

IMG_20180216_072912659

 

I’m back up to my top weight but now that I’m destressing on a regular basis that should come back down, as well as I have room, now, to do my PT. I busted my knee a few weeks ago so that’s healing and I have to take it a bit easy but what I found out last night is still true that when I drink, I feel no pain and will possibly overdue it. I’m a bit sore from all the standing all week, my voice has had it but it’s coming back a bit. Not used to talking all day. I’m going to find a way to record some things for the class to a) save my voice and b) be able to still have a class if I have to miss a shift.

I even bought some new clothes. Not a lot. Just a couple of shirts and some new jeans. I’m taking baby steps to take care of myself. My mood. A new shelf for my action figures. Some command hooks to hang my babies. A glass ink well to practice with my glass pen. Nothing bank-breaking, everything meticulously sale-shopped and that was part of the fun.

My next goal will be to take walks in the morning before work. But that’ll be when I don’t have to redo so much of the existing work. I feel like a person now. It feels good. I don’t think I’m going to start dating again though SEVERAL people mentioned it out of nowhere. Last night though, or yesterday afternoon, some dude came up to me and told me he left credits on the machine and he was “really looking forward” to what I wanted to listen to and not what my friends wanted. I had to have someone teach me how to use the jukebox and he didn’t even stay to listen to all my songs. Shrug. I don’t care. I don’t know who he is except that he is at the bar when we are and he’s obnoxiously drunk.

Took me most of the day to post this because I was up and down around the house putting it to rights which normally would take me days. Feeling good about things. I do.

Of course, I have new tune obsessions:

Barns Courtney – Champion

Alessia Cara – Here

Pretty Reckless – Make Me Wanna Die

The Kills – U.R.A. Fever

Barns Courtney – Glitter and Gold

Dorothy – Gun in my hands

Jason Manns f. Brianna Buckmaster – I’d Rather Go Blind

Jason Manns f. Brianna Buckmaster – Wrecking Ball

Banks – Beggin’ for Thread

The Dig – Jet Black Hair

K.Flay – Blood in the Cut

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Checking In

I have been out of touch most of the year. Today has been a rough one.

Bad things:

  • Hit snooze too many times.
  • Found the bug I’d flicked across the room a week ago. He three times his original size and I lost him again.
  • Hair color didn’t take on my sideburns (do women have sideburns?)
  • My over-medium egg popped when I flipped it
  • I stepped in something; gum or gummy or taffy – something sticky
  • realized I turned up the heat instead of down when I left for work
  • work was a shit-show
  • got a text from landlady that my rent check never made it (we’re halfway through the month)
  • some weirdo was leering at us after work
  • people’s feelings got hurt because I focus at work.

Good things:

  • Got to work on time
  • packed my lunch
  • ate my lunch
  • got praises for being awesome in a shit-show of a day
  • Getting reimbursed for my rent-check calamity and a letter as proof of purchase from my bank
  • got my order from the lady who makes everyone buy from her neice
  • found the bug, he’s dying – good for him
  • No pain

 

I stopped going to the doctor because the PT specialist weirded me out and it was expensive to go weekly. I still feel good but am probably backsliding a bit. Still losing weight. A lot closer to 300 than I was six months ago. I’m gonna say it’s eating regular meals and getting better sleep because nothing else has really changed.

I stopped dating because it’s awful. Stalkers, mama’s boys, meninists. And everything is my fault apparently. Too sexual, too prudish, too independent, too indecisive, immovable, too strict, too lax, not religious enough, too superstitious, too nerdy, not nerdy enough, don’t know how to party, party too hard, talk too much, don’t talk enough, Mom hates me, Dad loves me, friends love me, grandma hates me.

All at the same damn time.

Still have my goals but life conspires to keep me from them.

So, I started playing video games back in September. It was a hobby that I could use to 1) correct posture (I don’t recline and play games, I sit up, ready to pounce), 2) get out some aggression and stress, 3) take me out of my life. Worked but now I have a new obsession. Not all games just one. The Last of Us. It’s amazing. I can play it over and over. It’s got enough of a story to be a movie. It’s got enough game play to satisfy the beast. I was upset that there wasn’t a sequel or a movie… but now a sequel has been announced and I will wait impatiently for it.

I have played other games: Journey, Walking Dead Seasons 1 & 2. I also have a library full of them to keep me busy awhile.

I started reading again but in spurts. One weekend, I read 3 books. I’m due for another soon but it’s the holidays and I start projects and don’t finish them quite a bit.

My laptop died and I had to get another but cheaped out and it has almost no memory but now I have external drives that do the bulk of storage. Cloud services have disappointed and try to eat my files. Still, I’m doing the things that I like to do.

I am alive. I am doing mostly well. I’m getting to happier and happier places. My old friends aren’t… I don’t miss them much. I’m okay with my current friends. I’m still keeping to myself but it’s more of… I’m used to it than I seek to be myself.

I’m starting to be okay with myself. I love that.

I play video games. I collect comic books. I watch sci-fi. I read cheesy romance novels. I imagine a world of magic and dragons. I love me.

Tunes that I keep in my mind (Also trailers for awesome things):

Nonsense and recommendations

I’m still alive. I’m in a relatively good mood. I blame all this cool air.

It’s raining! Every time I think it’s going to stop for good, it comes back. I’m very sorry that Mexico has a hurricane and that it’s lamely named Patricia but I am enjoying the spillover rain.

My uterus hates me but I’m so happy that we’re speaking again that I kind of don’t care. I’m drinking tea, taking Cramp Tabs (try them!) and have an excuse to make Banana bread. I cheated. It’s a mix but I don’t care. My house smells like bananas and I’m probably going to mix preserves with Neufchatel and enjoy the bread while drinking more tea, probably liberally doused with whiskey that I pour out of a Supernatural flask. And yes, it has to be out of the flask instead of the bottle because the flask fits in my hoodie and the bottle is in the cabinet.

I may also write. I’m feeling inspired but also ADD so… nothing has happened yet. Well, no writing except this post. I’ve had a shower, started some laundry, won a battle using a bleach pen and baked banana bread. Well, the first loaf. Forgot I was using my other bread pan for chicken pot pie so I have some cooling time before I can bake the other loaf.

So… My area has access to Amazon Prime and OH MY GOD. My life is getting so much better. I felt bad the first time I used it so I only used it for groceries (no fresh fruit or veggies, or unfrozen meats unfortunately) but yesterday, I used it to also get a dvd notebook and I started putting all my TV shows in it. Wow, the shelf room I have now. Highly recommend. You don’t have to apologize to the delivery woman for the rain but I did. It wasn’t raining when I ordered my peanut butter and sweet potato chips!!!!

Also, Lash. OMG. On My God. They deliver LIQUOR to your house. Also, beer, party snacks, cigarettes and get this… In-N-Out, Chik-Fil-A, and Wingstop. The menu is limited, mostly so the delivery guys can’t fuck it up but hells yeah. This is what I did after my dad left the other day. I ordered In-N-Out and booze. It was also hot when it got here. Highly recommend.

Also… It’s nearly Halloween. I have creeped myself out so many times in the last week with Creepy Pasta. Highly recommend. Thing is… my imagination is sometimes much creepier than the authors intended… and I don’t sleep for days. Candle Cove, though. Read it. Be mildly unnerved by it. Don’t go to the other dimensions like I did. It was far more sinister in my head.

Also. I didn’t know that this was a thing.

Please note… This is someone’s expansion on what is essentially a Disney song. Edgar Allan Poe had nothing to do with it. If he had, I’m sure the flowery poetry would be filled with more death and less magic. Just sayin’.

Also, I had no idea how long I needed this to happen.

I’m extremely upset with everyone who never told me that it happened five years ago. I’m not going to lie. I can listen to Meatloaf sing all day long.

Gasp! Meatloaf, Paul Rodgers and Bob Seger. Someone make this happen for me!

And away I go to my last loaf to bake.

Did I find me?

I feel good. I went home and I came back and that taxi ride home was horrendous but I survived it.

I worked the last three days with minimal drama. I did hate that everyone wanted to know how my “vacation” was. I could only shrug.

Going home is never the same. I love my family but we are so very different. Most of them were on their best behavior and I all but dared a few people to be their terrible selves. The only dig about my weight that my father made was when I hugged him in greeting… he couldn’t resist squeezing a love-handle. But he didn’t say anything and he didn’t make any jabs about any of my meals.

We watched the Rhonda Rousey fight and were glad we did so.

I went out with Miranda and some of the others after work. Not long just enough to detoxic from the week. Today is my Friday. I have the next day and a half off before I have to cover a shift for someone else.

SO… I’m hanging out with a Deep Ellum Double Brown Stout and The Guest. If you like stout beer, Double Brown Stout is a good one. If you like thrillers, The Guest is a good one. If you’re a fan of Dan Stevens, watch it. If you’re a fan of good-looking bad boys, watch it. If you’re a fan of half-naked men, just watch it. I can’t stop watching it. I love it. Also Annie’s Anthonio is my new haunting theme song. In the context of the movie, it’s incredibly creepy. So, I carry a bit of that thrill when I listen to it away from the movie.

I’m trying not to get caught up in the drama at work. It’s hard when people suck you into it.

I need a time capsule to capture these feel-goods so that when I’m not in this happy place, I can remember that it does in fact exist. I need some girl time with Laurel. We’ll make it happen soon enough.

The Balance

Not sure I’m actually balanced but I’m on an even enough keel that I’m enjoying myself in general.

Work is work. I had to dispatch the entire day instead of supervise but it went quickly and I wasn’t so exhausted when I got home that I needed to take a nap. Bad news; I’ve gained 40 pounds since I started this job. Good news: I’ve lost 8 pounds of that in the last week simply by sleeping.

I’m trying to stay even so that trend continues. I’ll sleep when I’m sleepy and eat when I’m hungry and go from there. I need to make room for a place to do some… yoga-lite. I can’t balance correctly for actual yoga but some room for some stretches would be good. It would work out the kinks and get me going.

I find myself fixated on people for odd reasons. My protege at work is getting himself over his head with the office tart and he’s been warned so I’m just backing off and letting him find out for himself what she’s about. I despise the office romance. I’ve banned them for myself… in spite of what is sometimes said about me and one of my former coworkers, that’s not a line I’ve ever crossed at this job.

I’m feeling ready to start dating again but I don’t want to go about it the way I have been. Random hookups and drinking with my fringe friends. I absolutely need to stop drinking with the management team at work. That’s just too much.

I feel I’ve come to terms with myself. I am, in fact, a morbidly obese, barren, neurotic and I kind of love myself this way. I could be healthier. I could love myself more. I could do and be a lot of things. So could everyone else.

I miss my friends. I see them rarely. I need to do a deep clean of the apartment this week. I’m going out of town for a weekend and I would hate to come back to my usual filthy existence. I should really stop living as if I’m in a frat house. Job 1 was getting rid of the spiders and I think I’ve beat the suckers.

I’ve been bolstered by the communities online… nearly as well as I was 15 years ago when I still lived at home. I don’t have the direct support I used to… I burned those bridges in a manic episode some 8 years ago. Still… The Bloggess is going through a time and I feel for her. I circled the blackhole earlier this here and it was hell on earth. I hope I never go that deep again. Jared Padelecki and Always Keep Fighting (Third round!) in conjunction with To Write Love On Her Arms has kept me from the brink. Just to know there’s that kind of power and response out there. I bought a couple of shirts around my birthday and wearing them to work and having to explain them gives me this… sort of power over myself. To be strong while I explain. To be calm. To not be afraid that today is the day that I have the panic attack in front of everyone. Just to educate maybe one person at a time about mental health.

I’m looking for all my old joys. Reading fluffy novels at a goodly pace, watching my shows, going back and watching old shows, dabbling in writing when I’m not otherwise engaged, listening to music. Singing. I haven’t belted in years and I’m working myself back up to it. I’m so critical of my own voice that I never learned to love it and my range. I’m starting to really like what my voice does… even if I’m the only one who hears it. (To be honest, I could have a mic and amplifiers and I still would be the only one who could hear me)

I wish it weren’t so hot so I could explore the neighborhood. I’m less afraid of falling than I used to be. I’ve embraced my gait fully. I can tell, by my walk, how much pain I’m in. I don’t feel the pain most of the time but if I’ve got a swing in my hips, my back is good. If I walk like an uptight robot, I’m in for a rough day.

I’ve even been thinking of hitting on this guy I get a glimpse of once a day but I’m a chickenshit and that will probably never happen. I would normally be thinking that I’d cross paths, mumble something incoherent and have to leave the state in my mortification. I don’t feel like that. Just find myself reading into everything. Like, why does he sit in his car until after I pass when he has enough time to drive off before I get to his lane. I do walk very slow these days. Does it mean anything? I don’t know. Probably not. Possibly not. Anyway.

Watching the Hillywood Show Supernatural Parody constantly is helping my moods. I don’t think I’ve even heard the Taylor Swift original but I do love this Deanmon.

So, lessons:

Usual me = 

Earlier this year me = 

Me, this month = 

OR = 

In any case, here’s some music:

Up Too Late

Nothing much going on. Same old, same old.

Not highstrung. Not depressed really.

Not in a good place. Not in a bad place.

Got some creative juices going. Not doing much with it.

Up too late and I kind of have to be at work slightly earlier than usual. Beating the boss there, and I can but I’m strictly on foot these days til I get the car fixed. I sprained my ankle yesterday. I have a goal of reading some more of this new book before I actually crash. Did I mention the alarm is going off at 4:30am??

Here’s some tunes… and yeah, I’m a little obsessed, a little wallow-y, a little bit stretched between 15 years ago me and today me.

Sherri Miller – Waste My Breath

London Grammar – Strong

Velvet Chain – Strong

SanguinDrake – Get Up and Walk Away

Neko Case – Nothing to Remember

Trespassers William – Lie in the Sound

Cassadee Pope – Wasting All These Tears

Carla Werner – Wanderlust

The Civil Wars – Falling

The National – Lean

Christina Perri – I Believe

Rosalee & Steve Carlson – I Believe

There, just a sample of the 3 hour playlist I made about 20 minutes ago.

And I have net again.

Geez, I’ve been away a while.

My internet was just installed after a month-long ordeal.

Recap:

I’ve moved closer to work. Very close.

I’m still settling in. I’m in financial dires but I’m working it out. I’m trying to keep my shit together so that I can keep doing so.

Today? Trigger day. It’s my mother’s birthday and I’ve tried to keep from thinking about it. I loved her and that was wonderful. Dad sent his text out. I teared up. My sister posted some angel bullshit to Facebook and I choked up. Then I shut it down. I cannot afford to wallow because that just starts a whole other mess of shit that I don’t want to deal with. Tomorrow is my ex’s birthday and also the estimated due date of the child I almost had. He or she would have turned 5 tomorrow. Friday is Dad’s birthday and I just need to keep it together so when I call him, I can sound like a grown-up.

This was the 3rd appointment I made to have my internet installed. It was hassle after hassle and this company has really shitty customer service. The rep who took my order was wonderful. The technician was wonderful. The TEN people I talked in between were terrible, terrible people but I didn’t have any options given my geographic location as there’s only one company who will come out to this place. I finally have it and it’s still giving me problems but I have faith that it’s just the first day type shit.

Stuff at work is better. The drama, for the most part, doesn’t involve me. Miranda was talked to and she actually changed before she was talked to because she knew from the moment I walked in that Thursday that she was in deep shit. My only problem with her now is that she’s convinced my buddy “David” and I should be dating. I… Work is not my hunting ground. He’s an attractive and funny dude but he’s my buddy. That’s a line I will not cross. I just wish Miranda would leave it alone. I don’t show him preferential treatment but we have a rapport and it keeps both of us going through the longer days.

Speaking of which. Captain Weenie made a reemergence. He was the dude that had a firm timeline for our relationship before it started and I was too fragile to handle anything more than winging it. He and I did not part well. Well, he and I found each other on a dating app (a different one than the one we originally met on) and agreed to meet up and try again with a clean slate… Apparently, he doesn’t actually know what that phrase means.

The first go round was okay. We met on this one app. We went on a terrible date. Bad food, not enough conversation. We mutually declared a mulligan in the middle. Changed locations and started over. CW and myself had a lot in common. This led to a second date. Third date cancelled on account of my old crazy job. On our actual third date, I met half of his friends. I wasn’t expecting it. I introduced him to Laurel and Ninjamin. They liked him. I liked him. He liked me… He wanted me to RSVP to an invitation that he had to RSVP to very shortly. It was a destination wedding. It was going to be he and I on a trip across state to his best friend’s wedding. We’d only hugged by that point. Dates kept getting interrupted by work, and also some panic attacks. One date was at my place cause I sprained my ankle. He still didn’t make it to first base. Gerald and I had a conversation about it. I couldn’t get it up for CW. We were alike, maybe too much alike and I had to kill it sooner rather than later. I called it off. He told me I had issues in a sort of backhanded manner that left a bad taste in my mouth.

So, this clean slate coffee thing? Not so much. I still felt zero sexual attraction. This is a very horny lady speaking. Very. Couldn’t get that feeling going. Maybe it was a bit obvious as we chitchatted and got caught up on the last three years. He made a snide comment about my focus. Okay, I say snide but it was offhand. Maybe I was distracted. Maybe I was still thinking about the way he took his dismissal. Maybe I was just too aloof. Something about me just set him off. Now, on his good days, his voice is still softer than mine… it was kind of funny. I didn’t mean to laugh. I did. Just a little. It was fuckin’ adorable. He stormed out. I finished my coffee and then went to a movie. I had a better time at the movie by myself.

I usually do.

So Captain Weenie and I were not meant to be.

So… maybe I do have a habit of emasculating men but I do adore them. I like them a lot.

Shrug.

I’m just gonna buy some birds and become a crazy bird lady.

Songs of the Week:

SanguinDrake – Get Up And Walk Away

Kacey Musgraves – The Trailer Song

The Darkness – I Believe in Thing Called Love

Rosalee and Steve Carlson – I Believe

Anna Kendrick – Cups

Grant Lee Buffalo – Demon Called Deception

Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should Have Come Over

Lana Del Ray – Once Upon A Dream

SanguinDrake – Instant Gratification

Cyndi Lauper – Time After Time

Birthday Tunes

I don’t normally celebrate my birthday on my birthday but I had decided to do this sometime in the last two weeks. It seemed important as it was 33 and I’m dreading being 33. Events this week would normally make me not celebrate like it did the year I turned 29, when my aunt passed away as I was settling into work that day.

So, I’m trying to get into the mood. I’m pretty moody, so there are some tunes I compiled for my birthday mixtape as a gift to myself.

MindBroken – Rubicon

http://kiwi6.com/file/ikcnilac0g

 

Currency

 

Little Black Submarines

 

Radioactive

 

Paperweight

 

My Reflection

 

Voices Carry

 

You Can Keep ‘Em

 

My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys

 

MindBroken – These Are My Friends

http://kiwi6.com/file/nqxb7460ob

 

Perfect Memory

 

Almost Lover

 

Cups

 

Do I Wanna Know?

 

Valerie


Gravity Affects Me

 

Til the End

 

She Ain’t Me

 

Something’s Gotta Give

 

There they are, in no particular order. (I had to figure a way to post the old Mindbroken songs as Slumber was the only one on the net.)

This week’s top 10

Seriously, need the tunes to destress from all the shit.

1. Gold & Youth – Kill the Time ; this is my new listen-to-all-the-time song. Just is.

2. Jim Croce – I’ll Have To Say I Love You In A Song ; Somewhere between Danny’s Song and Fire and Rain, I listened to this gem and realized I don’t listen to enough of Mr. Croce.

3. SanguinDrake – Mandragora ; cannot wait until I get my hands on this album. I don’t have the money for a vacation to anywhere these folks play.

4.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt – Bad Romance (Lady Gaga) ; He’s the best thing that ever happened to this song.

5.  Louden Swain – Something to Say ; this one really hit the spot today.

6. Remy Zero – Yellow Light ; I miss me some Remy Zero and this was the only video I could find. I rather enjoyed the Supernatural-ness

7. Beth Hart – Am I the one ; I sometimes have trouble believing these sounds come out of that woman but I love it!

8. Dixie Chicks – Wrecking Ball (Miley Cyrus cover) ; I love it when someone with experience can do a song justice.

9. A Fine Frenzy – Hope for the Hopeless ; The first time I heard this song, I got chills and every time after, I still get them.

10.  The Pierces – Save Me ; I absolutely love the demo version of this song and I absolutely love the album version of this song. I just… love it.