Checking In

I have been out of touch most of the year. Today has been a rough one.

Bad things:

  • Hit snooze too many times.
  • Found the bug I’d flicked across the room a week ago. He three times his original size and I lost him again.
  • Hair color didn’t take on my sideburns (do women have sideburns?)
  • My over-medium egg popped when I flipped it
  • I stepped in something; gum or gummy or taffy – something sticky
  • realized I turned up the heat instead of down when I left for work
  • work was a shit-show
  • got a text from landlady that my rent check never made it (we’re halfway through the month)
  • some weirdo was leering at us after work
  • people’s feelings got hurt because I focus at work.

Good things:

  • Got to work on time
  • packed my lunch
  • ate my lunch
  • got praises for being awesome in a shit-show of a day
  • Getting reimbursed for my rent-check calamity and a letter as proof of purchase from my bank
  • got my order from the lady who makes everyone buy from her neice
  • found the bug, he’s dying – good for him
  • No pain

 

I stopped going to the doctor because the PT specialist weirded me out and it was expensive to go weekly. I still feel good but am probably backsliding a bit. Still losing weight. A lot closer to 300 than I was six months ago. I’m gonna say it’s eating regular meals and getting better sleep because nothing else has really changed.

I stopped dating because it’s awful. Stalkers, mama’s boys, meninists. And everything is my fault apparently. Too sexual, too prudish, too independent, too indecisive, immovable, too strict, too lax, not religious enough, too superstitious, too nerdy, not nerdy enough, don’t know how to party, party too hard, talk too much, don’t talk enough, Mom hates me, Dad loves me, friends love me, grandma hates me.

All at the same damn time.

Still have my goals but life conspires to keep me from them.

So, I started playing video games back in September. It was a hobby that I could use to 1) correct posture (I don’t recline and play games, I sit up, ready to pounce), 2) get out some aggression and stress, 3) take me out of my life. Worked but now I have a new obsession. Not all games just one. The Last of Us. It’s amazing. I can play it over and over. It’s got enough of a story to be a movie. It’s got enough game play to satisfy the beast. I was upset that there wasn’t a sequel or a movie… but now a sequel has been announced and I will wait impatiently for it.

I have played other games: Journey, Walking Dead Seasons 1 & 2. I also have a library full of them to keep me busy awhile.

I started reading again but in spurts. One weekend, I read 3 books. I’m due for another soon but it’s the holidays and I start projects and don’t finish them quite a bit.

My laptop died and I had to get another but cheaped out and it has almost no memory but now I have external drives that do the bulk of storage. Cloud services have disappointed and try to eat my files. Still, I’m doing the things that I like to do.

I am alive. I am doing mostly well. I’m getting to happier and happier places. My old friends aren’t… I don’t miss them much. I’m okay with my current friends. I’m still keeping to myself but it’s more of… I’m used to it than I seek to be myself.

I’m starting to be okay with myself. I love that.

I play video games. I collect comic books. I watch sci-fi. I read cheesy romance novels. I imagine a world of magic and dragons. I love me.

Tunes that I keep in my mind (Also trailers for awesome things):

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Progress

A lot has happened since I posted last. Highlights:

  • Gloria is back!
  • Miranda is on her way out the door!
  • Lazyasfuck asst. manager is still lazy as fuck
  • Busy VP/Manager, busier
  • Me? Super tired but healthier than I was

Toward the end of May, I was at my wit’s end. I was in pain daily. My usual intake of B12, Cramp tabs, Naproxen, Ashwaganda, Kava kava… just wasn’t doing it. I had twice in the previous two months negotiated favors for some prescription pain medications and I hated that.

I hated waking up in pain, taking pain medication, working in pain, choking down food that made my stomach hurt but I needed because I was on so much medication, never being comfortable because I was in pain and going to bed in pain… more often knocking myself out with sleep meds to push past the pain so I could sleep.

A scary thing happened. My legs started to swell. Four days straight of being unable to tell my calves from my ankles, of feeling like I had water balloons inserted under my skin. I came home from work, cried my eyes out for half an hour then I made a call to the nearest GM I could find. I had almost no money but enough for a copay. When she emailed me the forms, I realized that it was not a GM, it was a pain management specialist. A chiropractor. I stared at the forms, debating on whether or not to call back and cancel but then I decided that if it was pain they managed… they could manage mine.

By the time my appointment came around, the swelling was down like it never happened and I was in so much pain, I just wanted to die.

The fellow was nice. He went out of his way to make sure I was comfortable and he took some x-rays. Equipment was down but instead of making me wait, he invited me into the computer room to view my films. My L5-S1 was in trouble again. It wasn’t herniated but it was compressed and probably pinching nerves. He hooked me up to the best e-stim machine that I’ve ever been on and I went home with less pain and an appointment for the following week to be adjusted. I wasn’t pain free but I could think. I could cry tears of relief that there was a pinpoint of light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

I started taking inventory. I’m over double the weight I should be but being geographically locked, I’m unable to do a lot of shopping the way I should but I have my produce delivered and I can move a bit…. but not enough. I formulated a set of goals.

  1. Have no pain – do whatever the doctors said to make it go away.
  2. Eat better – just better choices based on my wallet and what I could get my hands on
  3. Lose weight – incrementally but have it as a goal
    1. Determine a desired weight and how many pounds would get me there – quarter that and make it my goal
    2. Exercise as able and within guidelines sent for movement
  4. Save money – as able and probably after my appointments were done
    1. Need a car to access better food options
    2. Need a car to be independent in accessing better exercising options

I had my plan. Since then, I have been back to the doctors twice a week (I skipped one when I had a bug). I did e-stim for several weeks to reduce pain. We walked through a bunch of exercises and discovered my right leg is still useless for things like walking long distances, any sort of running or riding bikes. At their office, I use the hand bike to get my heart rate up. I do micromovement exercises to ease my disc back open. We took more x-rays and my neck is out of whack. I get adjusted at every visit.

As of today, I am down to 1 visit a week. I am pain-free. I am able to walk without a discernible limp (but my right leg still fights quick movements). I smile more. Just cause. My neck is starting to realign, as are my hips and I can feel that I am better. I feel fantastic. The doctor was surprised I’d made so much progress and I am, too. I powered through this. I can power through anything.

I haven’t felt depression as deep but the voice is still there that tells me that I deserved my pain that I should stay inside all the time because the outside world doesn’t like me.

My anxiety is down to just your garden variety social awkwardness. I didn’t realize how much I missed people. Laurel was over a  few weeks back and she wanted to eat on my patio… I hesitated to go outside. On my own damned porch. Damn the anxiety. I’m two weeks off my kava kava and ashwaganda.

I’ve taken advil twice for headaches but otherwise, I’ve been off pain medications altogether.

I would like to be social but I know this is too fragile. I’m just… I went to a baby shower last weekend and there were so many people and I had to be “on” the whole time… I didn’t say anything to my ride on the way home. I still haven’t quite recovered from the socialness but… it did feel good to get out.

Not sure I’m going to start dating again because my inner-feminist rankles at the first impressions I get off of 90 percent of men who approach me. I’ve started to be vocal about what ticks me off. Like one of my coworkers touching me all the time. It’s not sexual in nature but it’s intrusive and he’s of the opinion that I just need to get used to it and I keep telling that doesn’t work that way. My space is my space. I asked at first. I told for a long while. So I did snap the other day. When you walk up behind a person, touching their back is not okay. I’m barely okay with significant others doing that. Even now that I’m not in constant pain, I dislike my back being touched. Every single person I work with, except that one, gets it. That’s a topic for another day.

Next week when I go back to the doctor, we’re going to do a testimonial and get a plan going for weight loss. My goal is to lose 162 pounds. My first goal will be 40. Something reasonable and attainable. A focus.

I can breathe. I can sleep. I can work. All without discomfort and sometimes it makes me cry to remember that I was in so much pain.

Help.

So exhausted.

Shortly after my last post, my coworker Gloria got sick. She missed a couple of days. I stepped up, like I do, and made sure everything got done. She came back and a day later, she got into a wreck. she didn’t miss work, though she should have but she wasn’t at full capacity. It’s fine. Then a few days she ended up in the hospital. She’s fine, now. Had surgery and in recovery. I’ve been making sure that everyday there is a manager or myself on duty. I am not a manager.

The last three weeks have been hell. To the fair the first week was just stressful and I had to pick up an extra day because our manager is also the vice president and he’s been taking on more duties in the VP capacity, takes him off site more and more. Our assistant manager is lazy as fuck and does literally as little as possible and he took a day. So that was workday 6 and the only member of management on the floor. The following week, I didn’t work extra but lazy fucktard of an assistant manager and our manager performing VP duties and that turned out to be because his stepmother’s mother passed and so… yeah, death stuff.

This past week was just HELL. I had to work a 6th day. I’m so tired. Mostly everything was okay until Wednesday. Events: A overnight dispatcher was frustrated about the events of the night, so I sent an email to HR on his behalf. A dispatcher didn’t find their schedule printed and waiting per usual. He only asked one person and that person was too busy to look. He sent an email to the entire company that basically stated a supervisor in the field didn’t do their job. I don’t know about this for HOURS because no one told me. When I did find out, it was after the owner took care of it himself. I tell the truth. “My fault. Usually it’s there, I didn’t check, I will from now on.” I didn’t names though I could have. I just chalked up that I got complacent that other people would do their jobs but the person who normally did it was off that night and the other people in charge couldn’t be bothered. Next, I was building a case for the dismissal of a person who just don’t have what it takes to do this job at the level that’s expected. I was yelled at for allowing a person who had been a temp to get hired on. I don’t like getting yelled at for something I didn’t do. As infuriating as my manager can be, I don’t like him getting yelled at if he didn’t do it (I’ve rather enjoyed him getting yelled at by HR before). I said it. Our lazy as fuck assistant manager made the unilateral decision to hire on a person who did not have the mental capacity to do the job because he wanted a body in the chair. We were given marching orders and I got excited because I EXCEL at marching to a beat set in clear terms. A dispatcher got fired for falsifying a document that I took. That was my bad. The signature was suspect and the stationary wasn’t stationary. I should have kicked her out but at 6am, I can’t vet shit and it’s not my job.

I was going to treat myself to a movie but I had to sign for a package at home first. So I rushed out as soon as I could (still an hour after I’m scheduled). Package didn’t come. Didn’t come. Three hours later I look on the website. Plans cancelled cause I knew it could show up as late as 8pm. Damn thing was delivered 20 minutes after I got home and no one knocked, left the package or a note. It was in the leasing office and by that point, the office had been closed for an hour. So I took a walk with my rage. Only my neighborhood doesn’t have sidewalks in some places and my bad leg makes walking on uneven surfaces really difficult. But I wore myself out and came home and went to bed.

Thursday morning, I walked into an iceberg. Overnight crew is livid at me because they were told by their manager that I had “thrown them under the bus.” No clue what was going on, I was subjected to shade so dark and fierce that my toes are still frozen and my very soul is chilly. The overnight assistant manager handed me a packet and stated that I had to take them into my hands and she was checking out with me. I was still very lost. I mentioned the thing that happened the morning before but that I took the heat on that. Frost. I said fuck it and went on with my day. Then one of my fellow supes walked in and said she was accosted at the door by the overnight assistant manager demanding to know who was telling stories. Still fucking lost.

I got dispatchers calling in for things they didn’t bother to schedule out, dispatchers going to the ER, dispatchers doing so terribly I can’t abide them being in their current locations, then one of my supervisors’ daughters was rushed to the ER. I started moving folks around. Then my seniors started getting mad because “she’s just sitting in the office but I got three trainees and she’s going to take one of my mentors.” My boss backed me up before I even had to explain the situation in full to him. So when this person walked up to me with attitude, I told him. We’re strapped. The trainees can just sit behind and if you got so many calls that you and your other two seniors can’t handle it, call a code.

My supervisor didn’t leave because her daughter needed a Zantac and a good fart, not the ER. So I didn’t move the mentor and then the trainees went back to class. Life righted itself. I can’t stand to be accused of not doing my job when a) we’re short staffed, b) we’re busy and I’m handling all the codes, and c) it’s my fucking day off and I’m in the office doing jobs that are NOT MINE just so I know the company isn’t tanking.

It wasn’t until the end of the shift I found out the other shifts’ manager unilaterally decided her shift was full of fucktards (it is but not the point) and they weren’t doing their job and had to check out with me (without telling me) and that a specific supervisor had to hand me the packet (she didn’t) and it was all a result of the email I responded to the day before about the thing that was MY FAULT. She’s fucking crazy. Her interpretation of events was so wildly off the chart that when I asked the other assistant manager, he couldn’t even give me anything because he knew nothing. So, now I’m mad at him too.

I came home and went to bed for three hours, then I woke up and got drunk. And I decorated my walls. Here are some clumsy photos:

It took forever and it is so satisfying even if it feels a little incomplete. And yes, those dragons are swooping in to take a swipe at that unicorn. If I’m honest about it… the dragon on the far right is the one attacking and the one on the far left just wants to watch and really, that unicorn will probably fuck them both up. And fire. Cause. Fire.

I feel really calm right now. I’m going to take advantage and take a nap. Then I’m going to a movie.

Some music to sleep by:

New Year, Same Old Thing

I’m actually a little upset that this is my first post this year. I meant to post something last week or the week before but I was so tired I was literally asleep 14 hours of the day. Please note that I work anywhere from 9 to 12 hours a day. (There is a chance I was asleep some at work but I was working!!!)

Nothing is going to change with this New Year. I know it. I don’t have any motivation for big changes. I’m going with the little ones.

I’m deleting all accounts with dating apps. It’s no longer amusing. It’s no longer fun. It’s a terrible way for me to meet men because of the following:

  • Men who are bold enough to talk to me only want one of the following:
    • A date for the night
    • A woman they can dictate to
    • The person they think I am by my face.
  • The market is flooded with snakes, they scare off the teddy bears
  • I have a weakness or two
    • Jerky men that I can throw away
    • Interesting men who turn into stalkers
  • I tell the truth far too often

I tend to scare off the men who are good for me. If those men are interested, their moves are so subtle they fly under my radar. I need to pay more attention to my surroundings.

I’ve decided to cook more. Which is becoming a chore as I kind of stopped eating. Currently there is a very delicious soup that I spent all morning making while I was cleaning up around the house… I’ve been snacking out of a tiny bag of vegan jerky that I accidentally bought thinking it was real meat. I don’t even like it. It’s got an awful aftertaste and the jerky part is so powdery that I may have to scrape my tongue later.

I’ll end up eating that soup all weekend while I’m at work and the soup weather probably won’t hold and I’ll get sick of it and throw it out. I’ll end up surviving on tacos at work.

My washing machine is busted. I came home from Christmas to find the timer broken. They maintenance guy had to wait until after the start of the year to order a new one. That’s a week without a washing machine. Then it was going to take 10 business days to get it. So that’s three weeks without a washing machine. Last Friday, the part arrived. They sent a timer for a dryer instead of a washer. So he had to go back and reorder it. Tomorrow will make a whole month without my washer… and still another 5 business days until the damned thing gets here most likely.

I borrowed my neighbor’s machine around week two. Unmentionables and jeans, a hoodie or two. Just to tide me over… That’s a commitment I can’t make too often. She likes to talk and talk and talk. I’m not a talker. I love her but I can’t do it again, especially after the week I’ve had. I’ve got NO clean linens. I just hand-washed three loads of clothes in my tiny bathroom sink. I’ll probably do another two tonight. I’m wishing for my grandmother’s old scrubbing tub & wringer right now.

I want to cut my hair but I can’t tell if it’s because I want short hair or if I’m frustrated with my hair or if I’m frustrated with life. I AM certain that it had nothing to do with a man. I was told once by a good friend and former coworker that I should NEVER take my frustration with a man on my hair. He was right. I hated that hair cut I got that time.

My phone is blowing up because a coworker who just had a kid (technically his girlfriend had the kid) needs to find coverage for the shifts he’s missing this week. I already relayed through my manager that I probably couldn’t and that was before the trainwreck that was yesterday. Yesterday takes a bit of explaining.

My manager has this terrible habit of indulging bad behavior in dispatchers because he fancies them friends. Note: No one is ever FRIENDS with the manager and for a reason. He enables and enables and it gets us stuck with someone who now has the following mentality. “My supervisor is talking to me but… I don’t really want to do what she says and since Bossman thinks we’re friends, I can complain to him and then… I won’t do what she says anyway. Yeah… I’m going to get on my phone and walk off the floor without telling anyone. He’ll back me up.” I know it’s really specific but this has happened more than once and in almost exactly the same manner. Capable dispatchers stop being capable because my manager enables them to be mediocre.

SO. The situation is this: we are short-staff, it’s winter, and it’s fucking busy. I try not to dispatch because I can’t monitor. If I don’t monitor my assistant manager sure as fuck won’t. He gets annoyed that someone is interrupting his Netflix time and then I have to deal with a disgruntled dispatcher. So I always spread the wealth around to make sure everyone has just enough fuel to get through the day and I work hard as fuck to monitor and catch everyone’s bitchwork. I update the digital texts for EVERY MARKET IN THE COMPANY. Then at the end of shift, no one has transferred shit into the billing program and I stay behind to get that done, for the whole company. I did this on Saturday and Sunday. Exhausted. Monday was double the busy. Call-ins. Blah. I got stuck monitoring because my senior supervisor was dispatching. We put another supervisor to dispatch. Then we put another supervisor to monitor ONE pod. Nobody fucking did any communication. It fell on me. I got yelled at. I was monitoring the whole company, dealing with a new program we just opened and picking up holds for every market that rolled over. Tuesday was triple the busy and all those supervisors I mentioned, they were dispatching. AND we had another one who was dispatching. So, I monitored and updated AND communicated. It wasn’t everything but I got a system down where I moved pod to pod and whatever happened in the previous ten minutes got reported. Big Boss got a highlight reel and it was going to have to be good enough.

I’d like to note that I did not eat during shift on any day except Saturday. I didn’t have time. So, while I remembered to take my medication, it was on an empty stomach and I’ve had horrendous back problems the last two weeks.

Yesterday: I’m exhausted. My manager texted me early to remind me about the meeting he had with the new program rep. All supervisors were dispatching except me because he wanted me in the meeting. Around 8am, I get a call from a dispatcher. Her podmate “Derek” was fighting with a driver. I didn’t have time to deal with it. I told her I’d look into it and that we should be dispatching and not fighting with technicians. My assistance manager rolls in and he’s pissed cause it’s his day off and he has to be in this meeting with the rep. 9 am and boss man is there, assistant manager and the rep are talking about reports. I’m trying to get problems addressed, customers updated and then I get Miranda telling me that Derek popped off to our junior supervisor when he was asked what was going on that they called a code red. Something along the lines of “You know what? Never mind, I’ll just call a real supervisor for help.” Fuck. I have to pull this guy off the floor. Only it’s a code red and they gotta get settled first.

I go check on them and they seem real busy only the screen doesn’t have a lot of calls on it. I tell Derek I need to see him when he gets off the phone. I wait but I don’t interrupt my boss or the assistant manager. This isn’t a big deal. I’ll talk with him, we’ll get it addressed, he’ll go back to his seat. THEN, Gloria storms into the back room and pulls the Jr. supervisor out to ask him some questions. We have a meeting in the training room. This would be Gloria, Miranda and I and we swap stories. Turns out Derek is still popping off to the jr. supervisor and he cursed out a technician, who reported it directly to Gloria. We have to send him home. I page for him again. I go in and I let the assistant manager know that Derek’s being an asshole and I have to clock him out. I wait. I call the extension directly, he picks up right away. I call him out again. Gloria disappeared. I shut the manager’s office. I shut all the dispatching doors and I pull Derek into the training room. Miranda is there and sitting quietly as my witness. Derek called the other junior supervisor in to be HIS witness. I ask him what he said to the supervisor in his pod. Swears nothing happened. I ask about what happened with the driver. Doesn’t remember, nothing happened. I say, “Well, the reports I have is disrespect for a supervisor and cursing on the dispatch floor to a driver. I can’t pull the tapes right now because boss man is in a meeting but I have to clock you out and send you home pending an investigation. Someone will call you to let you know the outcome.”

Derek starts arguing immediately that it’s not fair and who reported what and he demands to speak to bossman. I repeat what I said. I’m calm. I’m fair. I don’t raise my voice and he just keeps on and on about talking to bossman. I tell him. “Both our manager and assistant manager are aware of this situation and that I’m clocking you out. Please do so.” Miranda hops in and then the shit hits the fan. Derek starts yelling and cursing and I move for the door. “I change my mind. Don’t clock out. Just go.” We make a human wall between the training room door and the front door. This man starts pushing us. This is a grown man. In fact, all four of us are in our mid to late 30s. He calls Miranda a cunt. He calls me fucking worthless. About this time, a man who works for recruiting walks through and sees this madness. His posture immediately screams “Oh Hell NO.” He becomes a human bulldozer and without pushing, gets Derek toward the front door. Then Derek throws a cup he’s had in his hand this whole time. He’s aiming for Miranda. It hits me square in the face. They get him out the front door and onto the street.

I’m shaking. I’m more in shock than anything else. I go directly to the manager’s office and compose an email about the event. I’m trembling and my boss is staring at me but I don’t say anything. Then our onboarding manager comes to get me. I go sit in her office for ten minutes while the tears leak out and the shaking subsides. I’m fine. I had worse happen to me working for the state. They have to gather all the facts but dude is done. He’s good as fired. The timestamp on my email was 10am. I still had half a shift left to do.

So, no, coworker, I will not pick up your shifts. I’m trying to figure out why I don’t want to eat and how I’m going to get the rest of my clothes washed so I have something to wear to work on Saturday. I’m a superhero to some people now but I don’t want it. I’d rather it be spring and the country not breaking out in blizzards and tornados and these new folks trained right. I’m gonna start being a hard ass just to get everyone where I need them so I don’t have to kill myself just to keep up.

I feel like I might be teetering on the brink of another deep depression but I’m addressing my pain issues and my mood issues and maybe it won’t be that bad. I’m not eating like shit the way I was last year when I toppled into the abyss. One day at a time and I’m not expecting 2016 to solve all my problems. I’d just like a whole week without back pain or stomach issues or feeling like hurting myself is going to make the dark feelings go away. Just one week.

Did I find me?

I feel good. I went home and I came back and that taxi ride home was horrendous but I survived it.

I worked the last three days with minimal drama. I did hate that everyone wanted to know how my “vacation” was. I could only shrug.

Going home is never the same. I love my family but we are so very different. Most of them were on their best behavior and I all but dared a few people to be their terrible selves. The only dig about my weight that my father made was when I hugged him in greeting… he couldn’t resist squeezing a love-handle. But he didn’t say anything and he didn’t make any jabs about any of my meals.

We watched the Rhonda Rousey fight and were glad we did so.

I went out with Miranda and some of the others after work. Not long just enough to detoxic from the week. Today is my Friday. I have the next day and a half off before I have to cover a shift for someone else.

SO… I’m hanging out with a Deep Ellum Double Brown Stout and The Guest. If you like stout beer, Double Brown Stout is a good one. If you like thrillers, The Guest is a good one. If you’re a fan of Dan Stevens, watch it. If you’re a fan of good-looking bad boys, watch it. If you’re a fan of half-naked men, just watch it. I can’t stop watching it. I love it. Also Annie’s Anthonio is my new haunting theme song. In the context of the movie, it’s incredibly creepy. So, I carry a bit of that thrill when I listen to it away from the movie.

I’m trying not to get caught up in the drama at work. It’s hard when people suck you into it.

I need a time capsule to capture these feel-goods so that when I’m not in this happy place, I can remember that it does in fact exist. I need some girl time with Laurel. We’ll make it happen soon enough.

The Balance

Not sure I’m actually balanced but I’m on an even enough keel that I’m enjoying myself in general.

Work is work. I had to dispatch the entire day instead of supervise but it went quickly and I wasn’t so exhausted when I got home that I needed to take a nap. Bad news; I’ve gained 40 pounds since I started this job. Good news: I’ve lost 8 pounds of that in the last week simply by sleeping.

I’m trying to stay even so that trend continues. I’ll sleep when I’m sleepy and eat when I’m hungry and go from there. I need to make room for a place to do some… yoga-lite. I can’t balance correctly for actual yoga but some room for some stretches would be good. It would work out the kinks and get me going.

I find myself fixated on people for odd reasons. My protege at work is getting himself over his head with the office tart and he’s been warned so I’m just backing off and letting him find out for himself what she’s about. I despise the office romance. I’ve banned them for myself… in spite of what is sometimes said about me and one of my former coworkers, that’s not a line I’ve ever crossed at this job.

I’m feeling ready to start dating again but I don’t want to go about it the way I have been. Random hookups and drinking with my fringe friends. I absolutely need to stop drinking with the management team at work. That’s just too much.

I feel I’ve come to terms with myself. I am, in fact, a morbidly obese, barren, neurotic and I kind of love myself this way. I could be healthier. I could love myself more. I could do and be a lot of things. So could everyone else.

I miss my friends. I see them rarely. I need to do a deep clean of the apartment this week. I’m going out of town for a weekend and I would hate to come back to my usual filthy existence. I should really stop living as if I’m in a frat house. Job 1 was getting rid of the spiders and I think I’ve beat the suckers.

I’ve been bolstered by the communities online… nearly as well as I was 15 years ago when I still lived at home. I don’t have the direct support I used to… I burned those bridges in a manic episode some 8 years ago. Still… The Bloggess is going through a time and I feel for her. I circled the blackhole earlier this here and it was hell on earth. I hope I never go that deep again. Jared Padelecki and Always Keep Fighting (Third round!) in conjunction with To Write Love On Her Arms has kept me from the brink. Just to know there’s that kind of power and response out there. I bought a couple of shirts around my birthday and wearing them to work and having to explain them gives me this… sort of power over myself. To be strong while I explain. To be calm. To not be afraid that today is the day that I have the panic attack in front of everyone. Just to educate maybe one person at a time about mental health.

I’m looking for all my old joys. Reading fluffy novels at a goodly pace, watching my shows, going back and watching old shows, dabbling in writing when I’m not otherwise engaged, listening to music. Singing. I haven’t belted in years and I’m working myself back up to it. I’m so critical of my own voice that I never learned to love it and my range. I’m starting to really like what my voice does… even if I’m the only one who hears it. (To be honest, I could have a mic and amplifiers and I still would be the only one who could hear me)

I wish it weren’t so hot so I could explore the neighborhood. I’m less afraid of falling than I used to be. I’ve embraced my gait fully. I can tell, by my walk, how much pain I’m in. I don’t feel the pain most of the time but if I’ve got a swing in my hips, my back is good. If I walk like an uptight robot, I’m in for a rough day.

I’ve even been thinking of hitting on this guy I get a glimpse of once a day but I’m a chickenshit and that will probably never happen. I would normally be thinking that I’d cross paths, mumble something incoherent and have to leave the state in my mortification. I don’t feel like that. Just find myself reading into everything. Like, why does he sit in his car until after I pass when he has enough time to drive off before I get to his lane. I do walk very slow these days. Does it mean anything? I don’t know. Probably not. Possibly not. Anyway.

Watching the Hillywood Show Supernatural Parody constantly is helping my moods. I don’t think I’ve even heard the Taylor Swift original but I do love this Deanmon.

So, lessons:

Usual me = 

Earlier this year me = 

Me, this month = 

OR = 

In any case, here’s some music:

Happy Wednesday

Wednesday at work are notorious for just … well, Murphy’s Law.

Today was bad and I wish I could say it was all work.

I woke up at 4am this morning after having slept since 4pm yesterday. I came home straight from work and went straight to bed. I’m lucky I locked my front door and plugged in my phone. No Facebook, no texts. Nothing.

First thing I saw was that my dear friend Ninjamin’s mother had ceased to be with us yesterday morning. Instantly, I felt bad not not staying up long enough to convey my condolences. I know they understand that people have lives and shit but I always feel like shit. It’s my bag. So, I cried through my shower and then got my shit together. I had to get through work. Then my newsfeed fed this video to me.

It was just what I needed. Laurel St James and Ninjamin would agree. I’ve shared it with everyone at work who geeks over this stuff like I do.

So, while fishing around at work for a ride to the memorial gathering on Friday, I was blindsided for the second day in a row. I do have to back up a few days for this.

Saturday morning, I was the first supervisor in the door. My other supe was late getting in and my assistant manager was also a bit late. Not unusual. Only this morning I had several people asking me where they were supposed to sit as their work stations were being moved. I had no clue this was happening. I had to sit through 45 mins of this before anyone could arrive to tell me what I had missed on my days off.

Monday, I was told, no we aren’t doing that yet. Just as long as it happens by Wednesday. Okay.

Tuesday. 9:35 am, I get Gloria telling me that my assistant manager was looking for me. ODD. Because 1) he’s off on Tuesday, 2) the manager was in the office and he knew where I was (as I had just left his office to return to my post) and 3) my cell phone was on the desk and it hadn’t rung. He rattles off a bunch of information about the phone changeover that is happening at 10am. I look at the clock again. I got 25 minutes notice on a multi-pod change over WITH intent to move the workstations I mentioned earlier. I argue that I can’t move the workstations as we were still going through the rush. And he gave me a band-aid solution that would work.

I get ready. I tell everyone in the workstations affected what was going to happen as I write it down on a post-it in a shorthand that only I can read. I tell my boss. He doesn’t know about most of this. I tell him I’ll handle it but I can’t let anyone in my workstation go to lunch until it’s done. Then IT walks in and his plan is different. I relay what I was told. We make it work. I let him know that I will physically move the people at shift change to prevent the most amount of havoc.

Sigh. Took 30 minutes to make sure everything was changed over as planned. Held me up from my main job for 30 minutes. Keep dispatchers from taking their lunches for 30 minutes.

Then the dispatchers who had to change their stations tell me they’re ready to move because they’ve had a lull in calls. I give up. I tell them to one at a time log out, then log in at the new station then call the old station to notify they were ready for the next person. It takes 20 minutes. I supervise.

Sigh.

So, today. Today. 9:40am. I get a call hold that my assistant manager, who is not at work today, has more things for me to do. More things that my manager doesn’t know about. This is after our training coordinator, a woman on the edge of a meltdown at all times, has come crying to me that she doesn’t know what’s going on and that she needs me to teach her how to dispatch out of the new system. She’s been our training coordinator for six months. Six months. She’s training our people how to dispatch but doesn’t know how to dispatch out of our new system. So when the asst mod calls with instructions for change over at 10am… I’m livid. I storm around connecting phones and finding there are no cords for handsets and no cords for the junctions. I find my manager and I let him have it.

Now, to be fair, the asst mod asked if he should come in. I told him no. I didn’t want to see him. I could, in theory, handle the change over. But, I got dispatchers crying they were getting calls for the training class. Now, while true, the training class wasn’t in the station to take those calls and they were calls that were supposed to be taken. I let them have it. When my manager heard all my frustrations, he asked if he should call the asst mod in. I said no, I could handle it. THEN, I remembered I was doing lunch checkouts and I couldn’t do it if I was babysitting phones for a change over. So, he called in the asst mod and I told my Manager that I was going back to the floor and to do my job and if I saw the asst mod, I would punch him in the face. He said that was fine.

I managed to get through the next hour and a half without any contact with the asst mod while I did my job, taking calls, checking in and out and sitting for lunches were needed. Then he tried to talk to me. I couldn’t. I gave him my legit complaints unrelated the phone thing and I began a discussion with my immediate podmate about the above video. That seemed to get him out of the room. He knows he’s in deep shit. Manager and Onboarding manager and I all had a discussion about the situation. I’m fine helping with these things… when I have proper notice. We’re short on dispatchers and it’s a short day as far as supervisors go. There’s 3 of us on a Wednesday. If one of us has to take a lunch to get the other’s lunch, we’re super short. It also happened to be a day when Miranda had a family emergency so she had to take her phone outside several times. So, I was running the floor. We had worked out our dynamic early in the day to account for Miranda’s family needs and Gloria’s blood sugar needs. Had I the information about the changeover in a proper timeframe, we could have managed it differently.

THEN, I had to find with Miranda about shift change. We’re under a no overtime mandate. Our folks have to leave at the appointed time and the new crew has to be logged in. I was yelling at the dispatcher to get up to let the next crew in and Miranda is yelling at me that they still had work to do. This was also true. Here’s the thing. When a company has shift change, there are things you can and cannot do.

EX: If you’re at Walmart and your cashier is leaving shift, she cannot start ringing up a customer and leave. She has to finish her exchange and then pull her drawer. The next person can then put his drawer in and take the next customer. The first cashier does not have to take the entire line.

Similarly if you work at Whataburger, if you take a person’s order, you do have to complete the transaction BUT you do not have to be the one to hand the customer their meal. That CAN be the next shift person.

So, I’m saying that we have two people who have to vacate, a third who has to stay and two people to take the empty chairs. If the calls are entered, our folks CAN get up. It’s bad form but if the boss says leave, you leave. The next folks will have to complete the calls.

I was checking out with my boss when Miranda came in and started bitching to our manager. I’d already run him down on the situation and so I was within my rights to do what I did. She continued to bitch so long, I missed my ride. Then as I was leaving, she had the gall to be sweet and thank me for my assistance… like I’m her assistant. I’m her fucking superior. By a week, but still.

I found another ride home, thankfully. I’ve had my identity stolen so I’m in the process of changing my everything. The ride was important so I could cash my check and pay my rent and my sister’s car insurance. Luckily, I had old magazines and a pair of too small jeans. I gave all for a ride to get my stuff done. Fuckin’ ruins your day.

Silver lining: I have my ride to the memorial, I get to spend time with my Denton Mommy before the gathering. We’re going drinking tomorrow night. AND I get to watch the above video over and over until I’m not mad or sad and can sleep.

Fuck work. Fuck overtime. I’m sleeping in tomorrow morning.

Tangled are the webs

So, I’m doing better than I was. I guess you can say I’m skewing up to a higher plane.

I’m still rather isolated from my usual crew. I’m building a new one, I guess… but half of those folks, I can’t really trust the way I would like.

I’ve come on some rather unsettling intel recently.

I’m not really a person to play games. If I say it, I mean it. I really do. So, I’ve hit my limit on people visiting my intentions.

I’m not out to get people fired. I’m not condemning people committing acts that I know nothing about. I’m not saying a thing to a person’s face and another behind their back. It’s just not my bag.

If I don’t like you, you won’t know it because I’m a nice person. If I despise you, you’ll know it by a distinct lack of my presence. If I like you, I’ll show it. If I love you, you’re in my heart even if you don’t care.

This conversation I had, I only remember pieces, the juiciest bits because I was on a cocktail of benadryl and alcohol. I may shade my own words but I’ve never put so much shadow that they’re unintelligible to people who know me. Still, I’ve found myself burdened with other people’s thoughts on my actions or inactions. I am cursed with my own vision of myself as it clashes with others visions of me.

I don’t have a lot of friends and I don’t spend a lot of time with the ones I have. I’ve never allowed a friend to stay in a bad situation if I could help it but we all know there are situations that you cannot insert yourself into. Other people’s marriages, for example, are none of my business. None. I have very strict views on the sanctity of marriage. Your marriage is not my business. Your husband is yours. Your wife is yours. I will not come between that. If you divorce or separate, that’s your business. It has nothing to do with me.

I’m not naive. People treat each other horribly everyday. I’m guilty myself. One thing I will never do, is involve myself with a married man. Will not do it. I absolutely detest movies that glorify cheating. I cannot abide it. You do with your life what you will but keep me out of it.

Manipulating people you hardly know to enhance your own life is shitty. Ex: I have a friend. She’s married to a man who is friends with some of my friends. The case of which that we know her through her husband. They have a child together. I am closest to the child out of the three of them. I’ve just spent more time with him that anyone else in that family. I have no clue what goes on in their marriage. I am aware of some circumstances as it came to be it interfered with my job but that’s the extent of it. I cannot take sides on a thing that I’m not knowledgeable of. After the event, it became whispered that there was an affair, an assault and maligning. All these things had nothing to do with me. I cannot take sides on a thing I was not a part of. Apparently, I have been blamed for a multitude of these things.

I’m so filled with rage that my name was invoked in any of it. I had nothing to do with it. I was background noise at the most.

I hate being judged for things that aren’t true. I don’t take up for wife-beaters. I don’t have affairs with dispatchers. I don’t try to make people fail at their relationships or jobs.

I make mistakes. I make plenty of thing. I’m in the middle of a mistake right now. You know what it doesn’t involve? My friends or my work. When I fuck up, I try to minimize the damage. It’s lonely but unless I’m sure what I’m doing, I don’t involve other people.

On a brighter note, the same conversation is forcing me to look at how I look at myself differently.

I’ve always been accused of stealing boyfriends. Strangest phenomena for someone who has trouble making eye contact with people in general. Once, I cheated. Once. I felt like shit. I cheated on a cheater because, at a wise 19, I thought it would make me feel better. It didn’t. So, I don’t cheat. I won’t participate in other people cheating.

I’ve always been heavy. I’m currently at my heaviest that I have ever been. I have never seen myself as the person who gets the guy. I was the DUFF before I know what that was. I’ve always seen myself that way. I have always been the smart one in the group. Always. One of my friends pointed out to me that I seem like a highly sexual person, just in the way that I carry myself. I’ve been told that I can be intimidating. I’ve been told I come off shy. So that kind of threw me. She said that what blows her out of the water about me is that I look so self-possessed and somehow don’t know it and it’s very alluring.

I don’t know if it’s enough to change my thought patterns but it’s shaken them up a bit. Enough that I’ve been locked in my house for 28 hours straight and spent most of those asleep.

I don’t know how I’m going to go to work and face those assholes who think they know me and clearly don’t. I don’t know how I’m going to get a word to my friends who aren’t speaking to me in order to clear up this confusion… if that’s even what it’s about.

It’s 5am and I haven’t slept and I may just spent the day watching Marilyn Monroe movies to get me out of my own head for a bit.

It’s May!!!

It’s been another long while. The never-ending roller-coaster keeps me inside my head too much.

I celebrated my birthday very nearly on my birthday for the first time in forever. At least I didn’t spend it alone. I got some friends from works, as they were the only ones interested, and we went out for a few hours to imbibe and eat and chatter and it was good. I enjoyed myself. I didn’t let myself get melancholy.

The ensuing weeks have been more down than up. I find myself finding reasons to go into work because I compartmentalize very well at work. I am a professional and I don’t drag my personal stuff there. So, in an effort to not deal with my personal stuff, I’ve taken to working six days a week and staying later at work… only…

Only about two days before my birthday, Miranda came back to work in our office. She was not invited to my birthday celebration as that was reserved for people I wanted to be around. She immediately started in on Gloria. She’s attempted to dig in at me but I haven’t let her. I’ve taken the approach as I’ve won before she starts so that she can’t cut too deep. It seems to be working but we get constantly punished for things that are not work related. If I go for drinks with Gloria, Miranda demands to know why she wasn’t invited. Not from me, from Gloria. She got snippy with everyone when she found out my birthday was a night out and she wasn’t invited. We went for drinks Wednesday night, just Miranda, myself, “Felix” who is a relatively new supervisor, Miranda’s kid and sister and one of her friends. It wasn’t fancy, it wasn’t special, it was $1.50 nachos and $4.50 margarita pitchers at Taco Cabana. It was specifically to detox from Miranda’s reign of terror… so NO, she wasn’t invited.

I do feel bad that she feels left out, however, given her behavior on a daily basis… I can’t bring myself to want to spend a single moment that I don’t get paid to with her. That’s the long and short of it. You can’t choose your colleagues most of the time. You can make the best of it and I’m cordial and I try to deflate the dispatcher’s efforts to be jerks to her. But that ends the second I clock out. I got enough shit in my life to allow her into my time off the clock.

Work is fine. I love my job. I love doing my job. She creates an inconvenience when she starts in on wanting to be “in on things” that don’t have to do with work. Maybe she’s lonely but I understood that she’s got friends of her own. A family of her own.

I don’t have friends these days. I don’t know where they went. I got Gloria, my senior supervisor, Plato, our asst manager, Felix, our new supervisor who’s doing weird things so I’m on the fence about him, and “Andrea” our on-boarding manager. I never hang out with any of them alone. We always go out in some combination that makes me feel safe (they are not privy to my agoraphobia as it pertains to my day to day) and we don’t usually get to talking about anything but work until the drink has set in. Occasionally some dispatchers come out but it’s not anything that is life changing.

My day to day is pain, low-level pain pills, herbal mood stabilizers and sleep. That’s it. I’m not happy. I’m depressed much of the time. I’m not dating. I just want to make it through the day without collapsing into a thousand pieces. When I’m not at work, all I feel is total and utter exhaustion. I never leave my apartment without a purpose. I have all my food delivered to me unless it’s something I can’t seem to do without. Thank Texas Tea for getting me out of the house every other day to get my fix of Peach Tea or Pecos Cantaloupe White Tea. Takes me a week to throw the garbage and I never leave without my headphones. The quiet of the real world makes my skin crawl.

I have no desire to find out why my friends aren’t speaking to me. I have no desire to talk to my family. I bury my waking hours in work or mindless TV binging. I’ll even sleep 14 hours a day if it gets my brain to stop for a day. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to go to the movies. There’s an Avengers movie out that I want to watch but I can’t drum up the energy to arrange a ride there.

In between those days of just mind-numbing sadness. I get these singular days full of energy. Maybe once a week. Random days. I always think that I’m better. I push past my limits and then pay for it for days afterward with more exhaustion.

I have renewed my efforts to get my moods under control. Try not to read too much into anything anyone is doing around me. It’s the only way I can keep my sanity. I do feel like there’s a spiral unlike any that I’ve had before just around any bend… for all I know, I’m already on it. Keeping out of the bottle unless it’s social. Hell, I’m not even using OTC painkillers today even though I probably should cause I’ve been able to feel each and every vertebrae screaming since I woke up six hours ago.

Maybe I will get off the porch today. Maybe I will find a way to enjoy some of my life. Or maybe I’m going to log off the internet for half an hour and dissolve into tears that do not have a name. I want to be happy, not sure how to get at it without a magic wand.

Maybe I’ll just fix the vacuum cleaner and get my house in order.

Happy New Year

So, I’m a month late. Sorry.

Life has been… pretty damn shitty.

I’ve been unable to share myself fully with anyone in my life because I don’t want to burden anyone with my shit. There’s too much. It’s overwhelming and I couldn’t deal with it myself.

So, as I feel more capable. Today’s the day. 2015 has finally started for me.

I have some plans. I’ve unmade plans. The gist is this:

I have to get my heath together.

I recently had my third miscarriage less than two weeks ago and the acknowledgement of that, finally allowed some doctors to make an elimination list to diagnose my stomach issues. I have four conditions that will take changes in my life to maintain. So, I have calcium build up in my kidneys. I have an internal hemorrhoid. I have a very small ulcer. I have swelling in my gall bladder.

I am physically capable of carrying children in the future but if I don’t start planning for them now, I may never have them. As I don’t have a partner, I don’t have a plan.

These are the things I know. These are the things I can plan for and around.

I don’t have a car. I might get a raise in the next month. I can work more hours if I so choose. I have more options for rides than I did a month ago.

These are my tools.

I have made some new friends at work. I just have to remember that I am me and I do not have to party as hard as those youngsters and I do have to, I think, make it clear where the boundaries are as I can almost feel some set-ups starting to happen.

There is my socialization.

I’ve chosen, very poorly, for myself in recent years, men that are not into me for who I am but rather who they see when they look at me.

What does that mean?

It means that the last fellow and I started to fall apart the moment we got together because when we met, I was in a dirty sweatshirt, hair pulled back, no makeup and busted glasses. And then he was surprised to find that was my standard gear. That I don’t really own makeup and I don’t have “dress up” clothes and I know more about Marvel than he does.

It’s all really weird to me that guys always say they don’t like girls who play games or pretend to be something they are not but will not take a girl at face value if she strays in someway that was not they are used in girls who play games. Confused? I am.

I’m tired. My body is tired. I want to take long walks but our local cops have yet to catch the rapist terrorizing our fine city. I want to be social but only in my house. I want to have friends, but I sometimes have fears about ulterior motives. I love my new buddy but he’s young and into crazy and not convinced he won’t hit on me. I will always have my new third party with him and she drinks too hard for me but I shall moderate both her and myself. Cause I also broke my phone and I have to throw some money at a new one.

How can I be too nerdy, not nerdy enough, perfectly in love with myself, yet constantly underdressed? I going to continue to be me. I will brush my hair when I damn feel like it. I will wear a dress when I damn feel like it. I will read comics just as much or little that I like.

My Goals: Watch my diet. Continue with the low caffeine thing, get more fiber in my diet, increase water intake.

Baby steps.

Start a savings, work more overtime. Car shop relentlessly.

Baby steps.

I’ve already requested 3 people, not all of the ones that I should but… Baby steps.

2014 had a bit of hang time but I feel like I can finally start 2015.