Nonsense and recommendations

I’m still alive. I’m in a relatively good mood. I blame all this cool air.

It’s raining! Every time I think it’s going to stop for good, it comes back. I’m very sorry that Mexico has a hurricane and that it’s lamely named Patricia but I am enjoying the spillover rain.

My uterus hates me but I’m so happy that we’re speaking again that I kind of don’t care. I’m drinking tea, taking Cramp Tabs (try them!) and have an excuse to make Banana bread. I cheated. It’s a mix but I don’t care. My house smells like bananas and I’m probably going to mix preserves with Neufchatel and enjoy the bread while drinking more tea, probably liberally doused with whiskey that I pour out of a Supernatural flask. And yes, it has to be out of the flask instead of the bottle because the flask fits in my hoodie and the bottle is in the cabinet.

I may also write. I’m feeling inspired but also ADD so… nothing has happened yet. Well, no writing except this post. I’ve had a shower, started some laundry, won a battle using a bleach pen and baked banana bread. Well, the first loaf. Forgot I was using my other bread pan for chicken pot pie so I have some cooling time before I can bake the other loaf.

So… My area has access to Amazon Prime and OH MY GOD. My life is getting so much better. I felt bad the first time I used it so I only used it for groceries (no fresh fruit or veggies, or unfrozen meats unfortunately) but yesterday, I used it to also get a dvd notebook and I started putting all my TV shows in it. Wow, the shelf room I have now. Highly recommend. You don’t have to apologize to the delivery woman for the rain but I did. It wasn’t raining when I ordered my peanut butter and sweet potato chips!!!!

Also, Lash. OMG. On My God. They deliver LIQUOR to your house. Also, beer, party snacks, cigarettes and get this… In-N-Out, Chik-Fil-A, and Wingstop. The menu is limited, mostly so the delivery guys can’t fuck it up but hells yeah. This is what I did after my dad left the other day. I ordered In-N-Out and booze. It was also hot when it got here. Highly recommend.

Also… It’s nearly Halloween. I have creeped myself out so many times in the last week with Creepy Pasta. Highly recommend. Thing is… my imagination is sometimes much creepier than the authors intended… and I don’t sleep for days. Candle Cove, though. Read it. Be mildly unnerved by it. Don’t go to the other dimensions like I did. It was far more sinister in my head.

Also. I didn’t know that this was a thing.

Please note… This is someone’s expansion on what is essentially a Disney song. Edgar Allan Poe had nothing to do with it. If he had, I’m sure the flowery poetry would be filled with more death and less magic. Just sayin’.

Also, I had no idea how long I needed this to happen.

I’m extremely upset with everyone who never told me that it happened five years ago. I’m not going to lie. I can listen to Meatloaf sing all day long.

Gasp! Meatloaf, Paul Rodgers and Bob Seger. Someone make this happen for me!

And away I go to my last loaf to bake.

The Balance

Not sure I’m actually balanced but I’m on an even enough keel that I’m enjoying myself in general.

Work is work. I had to dispatch the entire day instead of supervise but it went quickly and I wasn’t so exhausted when I got home that I needed to take a nap. Bad news; I’ve gained 40 pounds since I started this job. Good news: I’ve lost 8 pounds of that in the last week simply by sleeping.

I’m trying to stay even so that trend continues. I’ll sleep when I’m sleepy and eat when I’m hungry and go from there. I need to make room for a place to do some… yoga-lite. I can’t balance correctly for actual yoga but some room for some stretches would be good. It would work out the kinks and get me going.

I find myself fixated on people for odd reasons. My protege at work is getting himself over his head with the office tart and he’s been warned so I’m just backing off and letting him find out for himself what she’s about. I despise the office romance. I’ve banned them for myself… in spite of what is sometimes said about me and one of my former coworkers, that’s not a line I’ve ever crossed at this job.

I’m feeling ready to start dating again but I don’t want to go about it the way I have been. Random hookups and drinking with my fringe friends. I absolutely need to stop drinking with the management team at work. That’s just too much.

I feel I’ve come to terms with myself. I am, in fact, a morbidly obese, barren, neurotic and I kind of love myself this way. I could be healthier. I could love myself more. I could do and be a lot of things. So could everyone else.

I miss my friends. I see them rarely. I need to do a deep clean of the apartment this week. I’m going out of town for a weekend and I would hate to come back to my usual filthy existence. I should really stop living as if I’m in a frat house. Job 1 was getting rid of the spiders and I think I’ve beat the suckers.

I’ve been bolstered by the communities online… nearly as well as I was 15 years ago when I still lived at home. I don’t have the direct support I used to… I burned those bridges in a manic episode some 8 years ago. Still… The Bloggess is going through a time and I feel for her. I circled the blackhole earlier this here and it was hell on earth. I hope I never go that deep again. Jared Padelecki and Always Keep Fighting (Third round!) in conjunction with To Write Love On Her Arms has kept me from the brink. Just to know there’s that kind of power and response out there. I bought a couple of shirts around my birthday and wearing them to work and having to explain them gives me this… sort of power over myself. To be strong while I explain. To be calm. To not be afraid that today is the day that I have the panic attack in front of everyone. Just to educate maybe one person at a time about mental health.

I’m looking for all my old joys. Reading fluffy novels at a goodly pace, watching my shows, going back and watching old shows, dabbling in writing when I’m not otherwise engaged, listening to music. Singing. I haven’t belted in years and I’m working myself back up to it. I’m so critical of my own voice that I never learned to love it and my range. I’m starting to really like what my voice does… even if I’m the only one who hears it. (To be honest, I could have a mic and amplifiers and I still would be the only one who could hear me)

I wish it weren’t so hot so I could explore the neighborhood. I’m less afraid of falling than I used to be. I’ve embraced my gait fully. I can tell, by my walk, how much pain I’m in. I don’t feel the pain most of the time but if I’ve got a swing in my hips, my back is good. If I walk like an uptight robot, I’m in for a rough day.

I’ve even been thinking of hitting on this guy I get a glimpse of once a day but I’m a chickenshit and that will probably never happen. I would normally be thinking that I’d cross paths, mumble something incoherent and have to leave the state in my mortification. I don’t feel like that. Just find myself reading into everything. Like, why does he sit in his car until after I pass when he has enough time to drive off before I get to his lane. I do walk very slow these days. Does it mean anything? I don’t know. Probably not. Possibly not. Anyway.

Watching the Hillywood Show Supernatural Parody constantly is helping my moods. I don’t think I’ve even heard the Taylor Swift original but I do love this Deanmon.

So, lessons:

Usual me = 

Earlier this year me = 

Me, this month = 

OR = 

In any case, here’s some music:

So Torn.

It’s been a spectacularly crappy week.

I can’t. Even. No.

I’ve been all over the place. Mood swings, falling over shit. I fell today actually. My good foot lost traction and my bad foot can’t compensate and down I went. I had a trash bag in each hand so I couldn’t even break my own fall. That fear I had of walking around my complex and falling down and no one being able to help me… Happened. On the plus side. NO ONE SAW ME. That was mainly because we had a tornado or some tornado-like behavior and all maintenance folk were busy covering the windows of the folk who lost their windows in last night’s hail.

I’m one of those people. I was on my way home from work, much later than usual. I texted my other half Laurel St. James and she informed me of the impending tornado near to my house… and I got this message as I was in bumper to bumper traffic on a bridge over water. I prayed and drove while I tried to find that local emergency station. I managed to circumvent the storm. My home did not. North-side windows at my complex are all a variety of shattered and broken.

I have the worst bitch from Hell as one of my new managers. She’s crazy and I’m going to walk out someday soon. I love my regular managers but that’s just how bad this woman is and really I only see her two days a week unless I go in on an off day. I’m not sure I”m recovered enough from my previous job to handle a person this unhinged.

I’ve been planning to post for a while but… Life. I’ve tried dating a few guys but it’s all blah. We get to date three and discover there’s a significant spiritual incompatibility and it’s just too much. I seem to attract “Good Christian Folk” because I guess I “look” like one of their kind. I don’t have anything against those folk. Devout people are admirable. I’m just not one of them. I watched my family’s spirituality swirl down the toilet as my parents fought about whose religion we were all going to follow. I believe in God. Everything else is just unknowable and unquantifiable. I just… can’t profess to believe in things that I don’t feel are true enough that I would wage a holy war over it. I’m just trying to be a good person. THat’s all that anyone can really try to be. If you need a devout person to share your life with, churches hold single’s nights. That’s where your girl is. Not here. Not me.

Are you spinning yet? That’s only about a quarter of what’s going on in my brain.

I keep getting baby stuff in the mail. I think I briefly researched some stuff when Laurel St. James was pregnant… and I think someone who used to live in this apartment is currently throwing baby showers (I got an invitation to a stranger’s shower). It freaks me out a bit. I have a bunch of stuff in my car that I’m going to take over to her if I can ever make it over. It makes my head spin. Clocks ticking. My neurotic tendencies telling me that having babies is a bad idea. I lost my necklace for a bit yesterday. I freaked out about it all day long. I’m not a person who freaks out. I’m not a person who would stay home from work to look for a piece of jewelry. Most people at work could tell I was stressed but not that I was on the edge. That kid would be nearly 5 this year. That thought freaks me out.

I’m also ovulating. Makes all the moods that much moodier. Also, a lot of guys who are normally on the no-list look pretty appealing. Just let me go shoot myself before I end up with another Sir Douchecanoe of Douchenshire. I’m going to blindfold myself, put my phone in a drawer and avoid speaking to men at all costs. Just for a while.

I have to move. I can’t afford my apartment. I can’t find a roommate who isn’t crazy. I looked around at prices. They all want more money than I’m already spending for less space than I have now. I have less than 30 days to give my notice if I’m going to re-lease or vacate at the end of the summer. My options don’t look good unless I magically get a higher paying job and/or get some asshole to marry me. I recognize that at this point in my life, it will take an asshole to put up with me.

So, on a regular day, I’m thinking about the above. On a regular day, I can handle it. This week? Nope. Can’t handle it. Won’t handle it. Don’t want it. Please, make it stop.

The Losers

There are a lot of things that brings to mind. In this day and age even insults are compliments.

There was this movie that didn’t do so well. It was based on this comic that didn’t do so well. That was based, loosely, on an older comic that didn’t do so well.

I like both the newer comic and the movie. I never read the original comic.

Some bits were changed… To the detriment for the movie but the gist is this:

A special ops team, who follows orders however distasteful, is following orders just fine until the order got so distasteful it had to be questioned. To save the lives of innocents from a trigger already pulled, the team goes into a hot zone to pull out children. There they are warned, by the target and resident bad guy, that they will be killed as well. Extraction of innocents were never intentioned or sanctioned and the team, ordered to leave them behind, puts them on the escape copter instead.
They watch in horror as the good guys blow up their ride home and realize they were all supposed to be on board. Swearing revenge, evidence is left behind that they were on board and murdered. The whole op was illegal and these ‘dead’ soldiers were acting alone.

What follows is a lot of moody brooding, plotting, espionage and explosions as the real missions are revealed, real ambitions are exposed and even more revenge plots set in motions.

The comic is an excellent thrill ride with plenty of twists and turns. The movie is poorly treated by screenwriters but well-acted by loads of lovely people.

I love the movie cause Zoe Saldana, Chris Evans, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, idris Elba and this smoking hot Oscar Jaenada. That last dude hardly says a word but watch and you will appreciate.

Lessons learned: Zoe Saldana can kill anyone. Even with a douchebeard, Chris Evans is still hot. I never knew I liked chest hair until Jeffrey Dean Morgan. There is a place and time for Street Sweeper Social Club. Idris Elba is a really bad guy. You can forget Speed Jason Patric and just hate Losers Jason Patric. Also features one of my favorite bad guys as a Canadian bad guy, Holt McCallany. Used to spend many weekends watching him on my action shows filmed north of the border.

Guys: Zoe Saldana. Shit blows the fuck up.

Gals: Hot men.

Everyone: Funny. Takes you away for a minute. You kind of forget everyone in the movie is actually a horrible person.

They are, they really are.

I once made a PowerPoint to explain the comic to a friend. It was beautiful and 10 minutes long. I love this story.

I kind of want a movie sequel but they would fuck it up even worse. The WMD was changed, storylines sped up. Sigh. But a blowjob at knife point is one of those touchy things even if it was consensual and the woman was holding the knife.

No, you can’t borrow my copy. I nerd it up and either watch or read it every month.

It’s 2014, y’all!

Don’t read too much enthusiasm into that title.


I feel like I just climb out of a deep well of despair and anxiety.

Today was a terrible day. I slept later than I planned. I didn’t have all the ingredients for breakfast. I spilt juice on the floor. I broke my shower. I got lost on the way to pick up my new cellphone. Lost in a parking lot. I nearly spilled lunch on it before I got it charged. I jacked up my WiFi. My cat got banned from any room that had workers because she misbehaves and they think she has rabies. My uncle thought my Facebook post was an invitation to chat. My old phone won’t update my new phone’s address book. I didn’t get 60% of my chores done today.


And my phone rediscovered an old douchebag boyfriend’s phone number.

I tried to breathe through it and find all the silver linings but it sucked. I work in the morning and I hope I have clean socks. I’ve thought about smoking all day.

I just want to close my eyes and watch SGU on my eyelids. We should have that technology by now.

Also, my face is peeling off. I hate February allergies.

The word of the day is “inappropriate” because of everything.

Counting Down

If you bother to follow my twitter, you know that I am going to the movies today, I haven’t really been sleeping, and my anxiety has been winning more often than not.

I’m already feeling the battle in my bones. I hurt. Which means my depression will be a roadblock and my anxiety will get tripped and I might not make it out the door today. I’m going to the movie.

I decided this earlier this week. It’s going to happen.

I may have to load up on painkillers. I may have to dig the ashwaganda out of my work purse. The kava kava is somewhere in there, too.

I’ve been up since 5am.

I just keep thinking that yesterday was a good day. I hung out with an old boss after work. I may dip my toes into that field again. If only on a part time basis. I will be working double shifts for a while because I’m beyond broke until I get a roommate. Which is imminent but not as fast as I would like.

I’m trying to think about how if I go to the first showing, it is cheaper, it is nearly always empty and then I can really enjoy the movie. Less than 3 hours to go. I need to get my coffee on. my shower on, my shoes on.

Elysium is the movie and if you live under a rock, like my ex-boss, then you should know it is  Neill Blomkamp movie. He made District 9. It stars Matt Damon and Jodie Foster. Jodie runs security for a space station that houses the 1%. The rest of humanity is on Earth, which is a dump full of sickness and garbage. Matt is sick and needs the treatments that can only be found on Elysium… only Jodie doesn’t let new people on. Matt’s determined but Jodie has thugs to keep things in order. One of those thugs is Josh Blacker, AkA Caleb-Sgt. Spencer-Nigel-Giles. I’m a fan.

I’m excited to watch it. I’m not excited to go outside on my day off.

I will though. I will. I will do it. Maybe afterward, I’ll come home and clean out my inbox. I haven’t done a dating over 30 post in a while.

Another day off, another day of mind wandering

Still don’t know if I’m getting better or worse. I’m planning an outing for myself next Friday. It’s important that I do this outing by myself or else I’m just using my buds as crutches.

I like my sci-fi. Always have. Makes me the oddball in the family. My brother likes sci-fi so long as things explode. My sisters indulge my long-winded musings on why I like this or that.

Top 10 Movies:

Sunshine – The Sun is dying and a second and last effort is being made to “restart” it.

Stargate – The Pyramids were build by aliens and when they were chased off, they left some artifacts behind that change history.

Enemy Mine – A Human and a Drac crash-land on a deserted planet and have to survive, meaning they have to work together.

Pandorum – Earth is overpopulated and has sent out an Ark to find another place to inhabit, but something went wrong.

Solarbabies – Earth is a desert, orphans are slaves but wait, a fall star with sentience and an 80’s beat.

The Dark Crystal – Genocide, slavery, sorcery, science, mysticism… as portrayed by puppets.

Donnie Darko – Visions and mayhem and time travel.

Pitch Black – A cargo ship crash lands on a planet on the eve of a sustained eclipse which releases creatures that thrive in the dark.

Independence Day – Earth, we all have to hate and defeat someone… why not killer aliens determined to take our planet.

Cowboys and Aliens – Because it’s cowboys and aliens, that’s why.


Not going to include or exclude Star Wars but it’s these movies I can watch over and over and over. Some are silly. Some are deep. Some are movies no one liked. I don’t care.

Given what sells tickets these days, I’ll take comfort in knowing what I like.

Books into Movies/TV:

Harry Potter – It’s refreshing that are still series made that won’t rot the brain and movies that at least do them justice.

Hunger Games – I know we still haven’t seen the second movie but I like what I’ve seen so far, the books are very accessible without being too dumbed down.

Dexter – Paths diverged but eventually we all get there. (Maybe not sci-fi but delving into the psyche of a serial killer is one of those theoretical things I wonder about)

A Song of Ice and Fire – Incomplete in both forms but so damned addicting. Again the show diverged from the books but if Mr. Martin doesn’t step it up the show will finish before the books.

Roswell High – Greatly changed from book to screen but no less entertaining. I might have enjoyed seeing Alex turned into a bouncy cheesy-poof but the show had no shot of lasting that long even if they had gone more strictly by the books.

The Watchmen – I don’t care what anyone says, the interpretation was pretty damn good. I could not have dealt with that final battle being done the way the comic did it.

The Losers – Despite the scrambled storyline in the movie, it was pretty good. Could still have a sequel but I doubt it will happen. I’m not saying I would like to see Jeffrey Dean Morgan get blown up but they should finish what was started.

Books Series I think should get more attention

Urban Shaman – It sounds ridiculous but it’s wonderful

Otherworld – Is getting it’s due. FINALLY! We’ll see how it turns out

Greywalker – PI who can walk through walls and see the haunted history of a place. Uh. Yeah!

Inheritor’s Cycle – There are only two books and I’ve been told there will be no more but an alternate history of Elizabethan era manipulated by aliens???

Anyway. That’s where my mind goes. I like sci-fi but not everything. I like Kelly Mediing series but not the rest of the Dreg City series. I wasn’t a fan of the Truthseeker series but I love C.E. Murphy stuff. There’s another books series that I loved but I never got to finish and I cannot remember the name of. It’s pissing me off. In fact, when I first saw the first trailer for Star Trek, I thought this movie was about this book. It wasn’t. I had a sad. Star Trek was good but I really want this series to make it to either movies or television. It’s gonna bug me for months!