Progress

A lot has happened since I posted last. Highlights:

  • Gloria is back!
  • Miranda is on her way out the door!
  • Lazyasfuck asst. manager is still lazy as fuck
  • Busy VP/Manager, busier
  • Me? Super tired but healthier than I was

Toward the end of May, I was at my wit’s end. I was in pain daily. My usual intake of B12, Cramp tabs, Naproxen, Ashwaganda, Kava kava… just wasn’t doing it. I had twice in the previous two months negotiated favors for some prescription pain medications and I hated that.

I hated waking up in pain, taking pain medication, working in pain, choking down food that made my stomach hurt but I needed because I was on so much medication, never being comfortable because I was in pain and going to bed in pain… more often knocking myself out with sleep meds to push past the pain so I could sleep.

A scary thing happened. My legs started to swell. Four days straight of being unable to tell my calves from my ankles, of feeling like I had water balloons inserted under my skin. I came home from work, cried my eyes out for half an hour then I made a call to the nearest GM I could find. I had almost no money but enough for a copay. When she emailed me the forms, I realized that it was not a GM, it was a pain management specialist. A chiropractor. I stared at the forms, debating on whether or not to call back and cancel but then I decided that if it was pain they managed… they could manage mine.

By the time my appointment came around, the swelling was down like it never happened and I was in so much pain, I just wanted to die.

The fellow was nice. He went out of his way to make sure I was comfortable and he took some x-rays. Equipment was down but instead of making me wait, he invited me into the computer room to view my films. My L5-S1 was in trouble again. It wasn’t herniated but it was compressed and probably pinching nerves. He hooked me up to the best e-stim machine that I’ve ever been on and I went home with less pain and an appointment for the following week to be adjusted. I wasn’t pain free but I could think. I could cry tears of relief that there was a pinpoint of light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

I started taking inventory. I’m over double the weight I should be but being geographically locked, I’m unable to do a lot of shopping the way I should but I have my produce delivered and I can move a bit…. but not enough. I formulated a set of goals.

  1. Have no pain – do whatever the doctors said to make it go away.
  2. Eat better – just better choices based on my wallet and what I could get my hands on
  3. Lose weight – incrementally but have it as a goal
    1. Determine a desired weight and how many pounds would get me there – quarter that and make it my goal
    2. Exercise as able and within guidelines sent for movement
  4. Save money – as able and probably after my appointments were done
    1. Need a car to access better food options
    2. Need a car to be independent in accessing better exercising options

I had my plan. Since then, I have been back to the doctors twice a week (I skipped one when I had a bug). I did e-stim for several weeks to reduce pain. We walked through a bunch of exercises and discovered my right leg is still useless for things like walking long distances, any sort of running or riding bikes. At their office, I use the hand bike to get my heart rate up. I do micromovement exercises to ease my disc back open. We took more x-rays and my neck is out of whack. I get adjusted at every visit.

As of today, I am down to 1 visit a week. I am pain-free. I am able to walk without a discernible limp (but my right leg still fights quick movements). I smile more. Just cause. My neck is starting to realign, as are my hips and I can feel that I am better. I feel fantastic. The doctor was surprised I’d made so much progress and I am, too. I powered through this. I can power through anything.

I haven’t felt depression as deep but the voice is still there that tells me that I deserved my pain that I should stay inside all the time because the outside world doesn’t like me.

My anxiety is down to just your garden variety social awkwardness. I didn’t realize how much I missed people. Laurel was over a  few weeks back and she wanted to eat on my patio… I hesitated to go outside. On my own damned porch. Damn the anxiety. I’m two weeks off my kava kava and ashwaganda.

I’ve taken advil twice for headaches but otherwise, I’ve been off pain medications altogether.

I would like to be social but I know this is too fragile. I’m just… I went to a baby shower last weekend and there were so many people and I had to be “on” the whole time… I didn’t say anything to my ride on the way home. I still haven’t quite recovered from the socialness but… it did feel good to get out.

Not sure I’m going to start dating again because my inner-feminist rankles at the first impressions I get off of 90 percent of men who approach me. I’ve started to be vocal about what ticks me off. Like one of my coworkers touching me all the time. It’s not sexual in nature but it’s intrusive and he’s of the opinion that I just need to get used to it and I keep telling that doesn’t work that way. My space is my space. I asked at first. I told for a long while. So I did snap the other day. When you walk up behind a person, touching their back is not okay. I’m barely okay with significant others doing that. Even now that I’m not in constant pain, I dislike my back being touched. Every single person I work with, except that one, gets it. That’s a topic for another day.

Next week when I go back to the doctor, we’re going to do a testimonial and get a plan going for weight loss. My goal is to lose 162 pounds. My first goal will be 40. Something reasonable and attainable. A focus.

I can breathe. I can sleep. I can work. All without discomfort and sometimes it makes me cry to remember that I was in so much pain.

Help.

So exhausted.

Shortly after my last post, my coworker Gloria got sick. She missed a couple of days. I stepped up, like I do, and made sure everything got done. She came back and a day later, she got into a wreck. she didn’t miss work, though she should have but she wasn’t at full capacity. It’s fine. Then a few days she ended up in the hospital. She’s fine, now. Had surgery and in recovery. I’ve been making sure that everyday there is a manager or myself on duty. I am not a manager.

The last three weeks have been hell. To the fair the first week was just stressful and I had to pick up an extra day because our manager is also the vice president and he’s been taking on more duties in the VP capacity, takes him off site more and more. Our assistant manager is lazy as fuck and does literally as little as possible and he took a day. So that was workday 6 and the only member of management on the floor. The following week, I didn’t work extra but lazy fucktard of an assistant manager and our manager performing VP duties and that turned out to be because his stepmother’s mother passed and so… yeah, death stuff.

This past week was just HELL. I had to work a 6th day. I’m so tired. Mostly everything was okay until Wednesday. Events: A overnight dispatcher was frustrated about the events of the night, so I sent an email to HR on his behalf. A dispatcher didn’t find their schedule printed and waiting per usual. He only asked one person and that person was too busy to look. He sent an email to the entire company that basically stated a supervisor in the field didn’t do their job. I don’t know about this for HOURS because no one told me. When I did find out, it was after the owner took care of it himself. I tell the truth. “My fault. Usually it’s there, I didn’t check, I will from now on.” I didn’t names though I could have. I just chalked up that I got complacent that other people would do their jobs but the person who normally did it was off that night and the other people in charge couldn’t be bothered. Next, I was building a case for the dismissal of a person who just don’t have what it takes to do this job at the level that’s expected. I was yelled at for allowing a person who had been a temp to get hired on. I don’t like getting yelled at for something I didn’t do. As infuriating as my manager can be, I don’t like him getting yelled at if he didn’t do it (I’ve rather enjoyed him getting yelled at by HR before). I said it. Our lazy as fuck assistant manager made the unilateral decision to hire on a person who did not have the mental capacity to do the job because he wanted a body in the chair. We were given marching orders and I got excited because I EXCEL at marching to a beat set in clear terms. A dispatcher got fired for falsifying a document that I took. That was my bad. The signature was suspect and the stationary wasn’t stationary. I should have kicked her out but at 6am, I can’t vet shit and it’s not my job.

I was going to treat myself to a movie but I had to sign for a package at home first. So I rushed out as soon as I could (still an hour after I’m scheduled). Package didn’t come. Didn’t come. Three hours later I look on the website. Plans cancelled cause I knew it could show up as late as 8pm. Damn thing was delivered 20 minutes after I got home and no one knocked, left the package or a note. It was in the leasing office and by that point, the office had been closed for an hour. So I took a walk with my rage. Only my neighborhood doesn’t have sidewalks in some places and my bad leg makes walking on uneven surfaces really difficult. But I wore myself out and came home and went to bed.

Thursday morning, I walked into an iceberg. Overnight crew is livid at me because they were told by their manager that I had “thrown them under the bus.” No clue what was going on, I was subjected to shade so dark and fierce that my toes are still frozen and my very soul is chilly. The overnight assistant manager handed me a packet and stated that I had to take them into my hands and she was checking out with me. I was still very lost. I mentioned the thing that happened the morning before but that I took the heat on that. Frost. I said fuck it and went on with my day. Then one of my fellow supes walked in and said she was accosted at the door by the overnight assistant manager demanding to know who was telling stories. Still fucking lost.

I got dispatchers calling in for things they didn’t bother to schedule out, dispatchers going to the ER, dispatchers doing so terribly I can’t abide them being in their current locations, then one of my supervisors’ daughters was rushed to the ER. I started moving folks around. Then my seniors started getting mad because “she’s just sitting in the office but I got three trainees and she’s going to take one of my mentors.” My boss backed me up before I even had to explain the situation in full to him. So when this person walked up to me with attitude, I told him. We’re strapped. The trainees can just sit behind and if you got so many calls that you and your other two seniors can’t handle it, call a code.

My supervisor didn’t leave because her daughter needed a Zantac and a good fart, not the ER. So I didn’t move the mentor and then the trainees went back to class. Life righted itself. I can’t stand to be accused of not doing my job when a) we’re short staffed, b) we’re busy and I’m handling all the codes, and c) it’s my fucking day off and I’m in the office doing jobs that are NOT MINE just so I know the company isn’t tanking.

It wasn’t until the end of the shift I found out the other shifts’ manager unilaterally decided her shift was full of fucktards (it is but not the point) and they weren’t doing their job and had to check out with me (without telling me) and that a specific supervisor had to hand me the packet (she didn’t) and it was all a result of the email I responded to the day before about the thing that was MY FAULT. She’s fucking crazy. Her interpretation of events was so wildly off the chart that when I asked the other assistant manager, he couldn’t even give me anything because he knew nothing. So, now I’m mad at him too.

I came home and went to bed for three hours, then I woke up and got drunk. And I decorated my walls. Here are some clumsy photos:

It took forever and it is so satisfying even if it feels a little incomplete. And yes, those dragons are swooping in to take a swipe at that unicorn. If I’m honest about it… the dragon on the far right is the one attacking and the one on the far left just wants to watch and really, that unicorn will probably fuck them both up. And fire. Cause. Fire.

I feel really calm right now. I’m going to take advantage and take a nap. Then I’m going to a movie.

Some music to sleep by:

New Year, Same Old Thing

I’m actually a little upset that this is my first post this year. I meant to post something last week or the week before but I was so tired I was literally asleep 14 hours of the day. Please note that I work anywhere from 9 to 12 hours a day. (There is a chance I was asleep some at work but I was working!!!)

Nothing is going to change with this New Year. I know it. I don’t have any motivation for big changes. I’m going with the little ones.

I’m deleting all accounts with dating apps. It’s no longer amusing. It’s no longer fun. It’s a terrible way for me to meet men because of the following:

  • Men who are bold enough to talk to me only want one of the following:
    • A date for the night
    • A woman they can dictate to
    • The person they think I am by my face.
  • The market is flooded with snakes, they scare off the teddy bears
  • I have a weakness or two
    • Jerky men that I can throw away
    • Interesting men who turn into stalkers
  • I tell the truth far too often

I tend to scare off the men who are good for me. If those men are interested, their moves are so subtle they fly under my radar. I need to pay more attention to my surroundings.

I’ve decided to cook more. Which is becoming a chore as I kind of stopped eating. Currently there is a very delicious soup that I spent all morning making while I was cleaning up around the house… I’ve been snacking out of a tiny bag of vegan jerky that I accidentally bought thinking it was real meat. I don’t even like it. It’s got an awful aftertaste and the jerky part is so powdery that I may have to scrape my tongue later.

I’ll end up eating that soup all weekend while I’m at work and the soup weather probably won’t hold and I’ll get sick of it and throw it out. I’ll end up surviving on tacos at work.

My washing machine is busted. I came home from Christmas to find the timer broken. They maintenance guy had to wait until after the start of the year to order a new one. That’s a week without a washing machine. Then it was going to take 10 business days to get it. So that’s three weeks without a washing machine. Last Friday, the part arrived. They sent a timer for a dryer instead of a washer. So he had to go back and reorder it. Tomorrow will make a whole month without my washer… and still another 5 business days until the damned thing gets here most likely.

I borrowed my neighbor’s machine around week two. Unmentionables and jeans, a hoodie or two. Just to tide me over… That’s a commitment I can’t make too often. She likes to talk and talk and talk. I’m not a talker. I love her but I can’t do it again, especially after the week I’ve had. I’ve got NO clean linens. I just hand-washed three loads of clothes in my tiny bathroom sink. I’ll probably do another two tonight. I’m wishing for my grandmother’s old scrubbing tub & wringer right now.

I want to cut my hair but I can’t tell if it’s because I want short hair or if I’m frustrated with my hair or if I’m frustrated with life. I AM certain that it had nothing to do with a man. I was told once by a good friend and former coworker that I should NEVER take my frustration with a man on my hair. He was right. I hated that hair cut I got that time.

My phone is blowing up because a coworker who just had a kid (technically his girlfriend had the kid) needs to find coverage for the shifts he’s missing this week. I already relayed through my manager that I probably couldn’t and that was before the trainwreck that was yesterday. Yesterday takes a bit of explaining.

My manager has this terrible habit of indulging bad behavior in dispatchers because he fancies them friends. Note: No one is ever FRIENDS with the manager and for a reason. He enables and enables and it gets us stuck with someone who now has the following mentality. “My supervisor is talking to me but… I don’t really want to do what she says and since Bossman thinks we’re friends, I can complain to him and then… I won’t do what she says anyway. Yeah… I’m going to get on my phone and walk off the floor without telling anyone. He’ll back me up.” I know it’s really specific but this has happened more than once and in almost exactly the same manner. Capable dispatchers stop being capable because my manager enables them to be mediocre.

SO. The situation is this: we are short-staff, it’s winter, and it’s fucking busy. I try not to dispatch because I can’t monitor. If I don’t monitor my assistant manager sure as fuck won’t. He gets annoyed that someone is interrupting his Netflix time and then I have to deal with a disgruntled dispatcher. So I always spread the wealth around to make sure everyone has just enough fuel to get through the day and I work hard as fuck to monitor and catch everyone’s bitchwork. I update the digital texts for EVERY MARKET IN THE COMPANY. Then at the end of shift, no one has transferred shit into the billing program and I stay behind to get that done, for the whole company. I did this on Saturday and Sunday. Exhausted. Monday was double the busy. Call-ins. Blah. I got stuck monitoring because my senior supervisor was dispatching. We put another supervisor to dispatch. Then we put another supervisor to monitor ONE pod. Nobody fucking did any communication. It fell on me. I got yelled at. I was monitoring the whole company, dealing with a new program we just opened and picking up holds for every market that rolled over. Tuesday was triple the busy and all those supervisors I mentioned, they were dispatching. AND we had another one who was dispatching. So, I monitored and updated AND communicated. It wasn’t everything but I got a system down where I moved pod to pod and whatever happened in the previous ten minutes got reported. Big Boss got a highlight reel and it was going to have to be good enough.

I’d like to note that I did not eat during shift on any day except Saturday. I didn’t have time. So, while I remembered to take my medication, it was on an empty stomach and I’ve had horrendous back problems the last two weeks.

Yesterday: I’m exhausted. My manager texted me early to remind me about the meeting he had with the new program rep. All supervisors were dispatching except me because he wanted me in the meeting. Around 8am, I get a call from a dispatcher. Her podmate “Derek” was fighting with a driver. I didn’t have time to deal with it. I told her I’d look into it and that we should be dispatching and not fighting with technicians. My assistance manager rolls in and he’s pissed cause it’s his day off and he has to be in this meeting with the rep. 9 am and boss man is there, assistant manager and the rep are talking about reports. I’m trying to get problems addressed, customers updated and then I get Miranda telling me that Derek popped off to our junior supervisor when he was asked what was going on that they called a code red. Something along the lines of “You know what? Never mind, I’ll just call a real supervisor for help.” Fuck. I have to pull this guy off the floor. Only it’s a code red and they gotta get settled first.

I go check on them and they seem real busy only the screen doesn’t have a lot of calls on it. I tell Derek I need to see him when he gets off the phone. I wait but I don’t interrupt my boss or the assistant manager. This isn’t a big deal. I’ll talk with him, we’ll get it addressed, he’ll go back to his seat. THEN, Gloria storms into the back room and pulls the Jr. supervisor out to ask him some questions. We have a meeting in the training room. This would be Gloria, Miranda and I and we swap stories. Turns out Derek is still popping off to the jr. supervisor and he cursed out a technician, who reported it directly to Gloria. We have to send him home. I page for him again. I go in and I let the assistant manager know that Derek’s being an asshole and I have to clock him out. I wait. I call the extension directly, he picks up right away. I call him out again. Gloria disappeared. I shut the manager’s office. I shut all the dispatching doors and I pull Derek into the training room. Miranda is there and sitting quietly as my witness. Derek called the other junior supervisor in to be HIS witness. I ask him what he said to the supervisor in his pod. Swears nothing happened. I ask about what happened with the driver. Doesn’t remember, nothing happened. I say, “Well, the reports I have is disrespect for a supervisor and cursing on the dispatch floor to a driver. I can’t pull the tapes right now because boss man is in a meeting but I have to clock you out and send you home pending an investigation. Someone will call you to let you know the outcome.”

Derek starts arguing immediately that it’s not fair and who reported what and he demands to speak to bossman. I repeat what I said. I’m calm. I’m fair. I don’t raise my voice and he just keeps on and on about talking to bossman. I tell him. “Both our manager and assistant manager are aware of this situation and that I’m clocking you out. Please do so.” Miranda hops in and then the shit hits the fan. Derek starts yelling and cursing and I move for the door. “I change my mind. Don’t clock out. Just go.” We make a human wall between the training room door and the front door. This man starts pushing us. This is a grown man. In fact, all four of us are in our mid to late 30s. He calls Miranda a cunt. He calls me fucking worthless. About this time, a man who works for recruiting walks through and sees this madness. His posture immediately screams “Oh Hell NO.” He becomes a human bulldozer and without pushing, gets Derek toward the front door. Then Derek throws a cup he’s had in his hand this whole time. He’s aiming for Miranda. It hits me square in the face. They get him out the front door and onto the street.

I’m shaking. I’m more in shock than anything else. I go directly to the manager’s office and compose an email about the event. I’m trembling and my boss is staring at me but I don’t say anything. Then our onboarding manager comes to get me. I go sit in her office for ten minutes while the tears leak out and the shaking subsides. I’m fine. I had worse happen to me working for the state. They have to gather all the facts but dude is done. He’s good as fired. The timestamp on my email was 10am. I still had half a shift left to do.

So, no, coworker, I will not pick up your shifts. I’m trying to figure out why I don’t want to eat and how I’m going to get the rest of my clothes washed so I have something to wear to work on Saturday. I’m a superhero to some people now but I don’t want it. I’d rather it be spring and the country not breaking out in blizzards and tornados and these new folks trained right. I’m gonna start being a hard ass just to get everyone where I need them so I don’t have to kill myself just to keep up.

I feel like I might be teetering on the brink of another deep depression but I’m addressing my pain issues and my mood issues and maybe it won’t be that bad. I’m not eating like shit the way I was last year when I toppled into the abyss. One day at a time and I’m not expecting 2016 to solve all my problems. I’d just like a whole week without back pain or stomach issues or feeling like hurting myself is going to make the dark feelings go away. Just one week.

Happy New Year

So, I’m a month late. Sorry.

Life has been… pretty damn shitty.

I’ve been unable to share myself fully with anyone in my life because I don’t want to burden anyone with my shit. There’s too much. It’s overwhelming and I couldn’t deal with it myself.

So, as I feel more capable. Today’s the day. 2015 has finally started for me.

I have some plans. I’ve unmade plans. The gist is this:

I have to get my heath together.

I recently had my third miscarriage less than two weeks ago and the acknowledgement of that, finally allowed some doctors to make an elimination list to diagnose my stomach issues. I have four conditions that will take changes in my life to maintain. So, I have calcium build up in my kidneys. I have an internal hemorrhoid. I have a very small ulcer. I have swelling in my gall bladder.

I am physically capable of carrying children in the future but if I don’t start planning for them now, I may never have them. As I don’t have a partner, I don’t have a plan.

These are the things I know. These are the things I can plan for and around.

I don’t have a car. I might get a raise in the next month. I can work more hours if I so choose. I have more options for rides than I did a month ago.

These are my tools.

I have made some new friends at work. I just have to remember that I am me and I do not have to party as hard as those youngsters and I do have to, I think, make it clear where the boundaries are as I can almost feel some set-ups starting to happen.

There is my socialization.

I’ve chosen, very poorly, for myself in recent years, men that are not into me for who I am but rather who they see when they look at me.

What does that mean?

It means that the last fellow and I started to fall apart the moment we got together because when we met, I was in a dirty sweatshirt, hair pulled back, no makeup and busted glasses. And then he was surprised to find that was my standard gear. That I don’t really own makeup and I don’t have “dress up” clothes and I know more about Marvel than he does.

It’s all really weird to me that guys always say they don’t like girls who play games or pretend to be something they are not but will not take a girl at face value if she strays in someway that was not they are used in girls who play games. Confused? I am.

I’m tired. My body is tired. I want to take long walks but our local cops have yet to catch the rapist terrorizing our fine city. I want to be social but only in my house. I want to have friends, but I sometimes have fears about ulterior motives. I love my new buddy but he’s young and into crazy and not convinced he won’t hit on me. I will always have my new third party with him and she drinks too hard for me but I shall moderate both her and myself. Cause I also broke my phone and I have to throw some money at a new one.

How can I be too nerdy, not nerdy enough, perfectly in love with myself, yet constantly underdressed? I going to continue to be me. I will brush my hair when I damn feel like it. I will wear a dress when I damn feel like it. I will read comics just as much or little that I like.

My Goals: Watch my diet. Continue with the low caffeine thing, get more fiber in my diet, increase water intake.

Baby steps.

Start a savings, work more overtime. Car shop relentlessly.

Baby steps.

I’ve already requested 3 people, not all of the ones that I should but… Baby steps.

2014 had a bit of hang time but I feel like I can finally start 2015.

Merry Christmas Part 1

I’m feeling it this year. I am. I’m in a good mood, one week and counting. Happily single. Happily happy. Nothing is going to get me down.

What have I been up to? No car but I have managed to get some decorating supplies. All hail Amazon!

This was my first attempt at window art. I only had a white chalk pen.

This was my first attempt at window art. I only had a white chalk pen.

I got some of the decorations up.

I got some of the decorations up.

Even got some potholders to hang in the kitchen.

Even got some potholders to hang in the kitchen.

IMG_20141212_121850385[1]

I'll try again when it gets dark but, you get the gist. I'm a terrible artist.

I’ll try again when it gets dark but, you get the gist. I’m a terrible artist.

I got the one string up and it took an embarrassing long time due to my wonky leg.

I got the one string up and it took an embarrassing long time due to my wonky leg.

And that’s about as far as I got today. I had plans to do more but time and tiredness got the better of me. I will attempt this again once I’ve gotten some real rest… or possibly if I manage to get most of the way through this six pack.

And I have net again.

Geez, I’ve been away a while.

My internet was just installed after a month-long ordeal.

Recap:

I’ve moved closer to work. Very close.

I’m still settling in. I’m in financial dires but I’m working it out. I’m trying to keep my shit together so that I can keep doing so.

Today? Trigger day. It’s my mother’s birthday and I’ve tried to keep from thinking about it. I loved her and that was wonderful. Dad sent his text out. I teared up. My sister posted some angel bullshit to Facebook and I choked up. Then I shut it down. I cannot afford to wallow because that just starts a whole other mess of shit that I don’t want to deal with. Tomorrow is my ex’s birthday and also the estimated due date of the child I almost had. He or she would have turned 5 tomorrow. Friday is Dad’s birthday and I just need to keep it together so when I call him, I can sound like a grown-up.

This was the 3rd appointment I made to have my internet installed. It was hassle after hassle and this company has really shitty customer service. The rep who took my order was wonderful. The technician was wonderful. The TEN people I talked in between were terrible, terrible people but I didn’t have any options given my geographic location as there’s only one company who will come out to this place. I finally have it and it’s still giving me problems but I have faith that it’s just the first day type shit.

Stuff at work is better. The drama, for the most part, doesn’t involve me. Miranda was talked to and she actually changed before she was talked to because she knew from the moment I walked in that Thursday that she was in deep shit. My only problem with her now is that she’s convinced my buddy “David” and I should be dating. I… Work is not my hunting ground. He’s an attractive and funny dude but he’s my buddy. That’s a line I will not cross. I just wish Miranda would leave it alone. I don’t show him preferential treatment but we have a rapport and it keeps both of us going through the longer days.

Speaking of which. Captain Weenie made a reemergence. He was the dude that had a firm timeline for our relationship before it started and I was too fragile to handle anything more than winging it. He and I did not part well. Well, he and I found each other on a dating app (a different one than the one we originally met on) and agreed to meet up and try again with a clean slate… Apparently, he doesn’t actually know what that phrase means.

The first go round was okay. We met on this one app. We went on a terrible date. Bad food, not enough conversation. We mutually declared a mulligan in the middle. Changed locations and started over. CW and myself had a lot in common. This led to a second date. Third date cancelled on account of my old crazy job. On our actual third date, I met half of his friends. I wasn’t expecting it. I introduced him to Laurel and Ninjamin. They liked him. I liked him. He liked me… He wanted me to RSVP to an invitation that he had to RSVP to very shortly. It was a destination wedding. It was going to be he and I on a trip across state to his best friend’s wedding. We’d only hugged by that point. Dates kept getting interrupted by work, and also some panic attacks. One date was at my place cause I sprained my ankle. He still didn’t make it to first base. Gerald and I had a conversation about it. I couldn’t get it up for CW. We were alike, maybe too much alike and I had to kill it sooner rather than later. I called it off. He told me I had issues in a sort of backhanded manner that left a bad taste in my mouth.

So, this clean slate coffee thing? Not so much. I still felt zero sexual attraction. This is a very horny lady speaking. Very. Couldn’t get that feeling going. Maybe it was a bit obvious as we chitchatted and got caught up on the last three years. He made a snide comment about my focus. Okay, I say snide but it was offhand. Maybe I was distracted. Maybe I was still thinking about the way he took his dismissal. Maybe I was just too aloof. Something about me just set him off. Now, on his good days, his voice is still softer than mine… it was kind of funny. I didn’t mean to laugh. I did. Just a little. It was fuckin’ adorable. He stormed out. I finished my coffee and then went to a movie. I had a better time at the movie by myself.

I usually do.

So Captain Weenie and I were not meant to be.

So… maybe I do have a habit of emasculating men but I do adore them. I like them a lot.

Shrug.

I’m just gonna buy some birds and become a crazy bird lady.

Songs of the Week:

SanguinDrake – Get Up And Walk Away

Kacey Musgraves – The Trailer Song

The Darkness – I Believe in Thing Called Love

Rosalee and Steve Carlson – I Believe

Anna Kendrick – Cups

Grant Lee Buffalo – Demon Called Deception

Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should Have Come Over

Lana Del Ray – Once Upon A Dream

SanguinDrake – Instant Gratification

Cyndi Lauper – Time After Time

So Torn.

It’s been a spectacularly crappy week.

I can’t. Even. No.

I’ve been all over the place. Mood swings, falling over shit. I fell today actually. My good foot lost traction and my bad foot can’t compensate and down I went. I had a trash bag in each hand so I couldn’t even break my own fall. That fear I had of walking around my complex and falling down and no one being able to help me… Happened. On the plus side. NO ONE SAW ME. That was mainly because we had a tornado or some tornado-like behavior and all maintenance folk were busy covering the windows of the folk who lost their windows in last night’s hail.

I’m one of those people. I was on my way home from work, much later than usual. I texted my other half Laurel St. James and she informed me of the impending tornado near to my house… and I got this message as I was in bumper to bumper traffic on a bridge over water. I prayed and drove while I tried to find that local emergency station. I managed to circumvent the storm. My home did not. North-side windows at my complex are all a variety of shattered and broken.

I have the worst bitch from Hell as one of my new managers. She’s crazy and I’m going to walk out someday soon. I love my regular managers but that’s just how bad this woman is and really I only see her two days a week unless I go in on an off day. I’m not sure I”m recovered enough from my previous job to handle a person this unhinged.

I’ve been planning to post for a while but… Life. I’ve tried dating a few guys but it’s all blah. We get to date three and discover there’s a significant spiritual incompatibility and it’s just too much. I seem to attract “Good Christian Folk” because I guess I “look” like one of their kind. I don’t have anything against those folk. Devout people are admirable. I’m just not one of them. I watched my family’s spirituality swirl down the toilet as my parents fought about whose religion we were all going to follow. I believe in God. Everything else is just unknowable and unquantifiable. I just… can’t profess to believe in things that I don’t feel are true enough that I would wage a holy war over it. I’m just trying to be a good person. THat’s all that anyone can really try to be. If you need a devout person to share your life with, churches hold single’s nights. That’s where your girl is. Not here. Not me.

Are you spinning yet? That’s only about a quarter of what’s going on in my brain.

I keep getting baby stuff in the mail. I think I briefly researched some stuff when Laurel St. James was pregnant… and I think someone who used to live in this apartment is currently throwing baby showers (I got an invitation to a stranger’s shower). It freaks me out a bit. I have a bunch of stuff in my car that I’m going to take over to her if I can ever make it over. It makes my head spin. Clocks ticking. My neurotic tendencies telling me that having babies is a bad idea. I lost my necklace for a bit yesterday. I freaked out about it all day long. I’m not a person who freaks out. I’m not a person who would stay home from work to look for a piece of jewelry. Most people at work could tell I was stressed but not that I was on the edge. That kid would be nearly 5 this year. That thought freaks me out.

I’m also ovulating. Makes all the moods that much moodier. Also, a lot of guys who are normally on the no-list look pretty appealing. Just let me go shoot myself before I end up with another Sir Douchecanoe of Douchenshire. I’m going to blindfold myself, put my phone in a drawer and avoid speaking to men at all costs. Just for a while.

I have to move. I can’t afford my apartment. I can’t find a roommate who isn’t crazy. I looked around at prices. They all want more money than I’m already spending for less space than I have now. I have less than 30 days to give my notice if I’m going to re-lease or vacate at the end of the summer. My options don’t look good unless I magically get a higher paying job and/or get some asshole to marry me. I recognize that at this point in my life, it will take an asshole to put up with me.

So, on a regular day, I’m thinking about the above. On a regular day, I can handle it. This week? Nope. Can’t handle it. Won’t handle it. Don’t want it. Please, make it stop.