Checking In

I have been out of touch most of the year. Today has been a rough one.

Bad things:

  • Hit snooze too many times.
  • Found the bug I’d flicked across the room a week ago. He three times his original size and I lost him again.
  • Hair color didn’t take on my sideburns (do women have sideburns?)
  • My over-medium egg popped when I flipped it
  • I stepped in something; gum or gummy or taffy – something sticky
  • realized I turned up the heat instead of down when I left for work
  • work was a shit-show
  • got a text from landlady that my rent check never made it (we’re halfway through the month)
  • some weirdo was leering at us after work
  • people’s feelings got hurt because I focus at work.

Good things:

  • Got to work on time
  • packed my lunch
  • ate my lunch
  • got praises for being awesome in a shit-show of a day
  • Getting reimbursed for my rent-check calamity and a letter as proof of purchase from my bank
  • got my order from the lady who makes everyone buy from her neice
  • found the bug, he’s dying – good for him
  • No pain

 

I stopped going to the doctor because the PT specialist weirded me out and it was expensive to go weekly. I still feel good but am probably backsliding a bit. Still losing weight. A lot closer to 300 than I was six months ago. I’m gonna say it’s eating regular meals and getting better sleep because nothing else has really changed.

I stopped dating because it’s awful. Stalkers, mama’s boys, meninists. And everything is my fault apparently. Too sexual, too prudish, too independent, too indecisive, immovable, too strict, too lax, not religious enough, too superstitious, too nerdy, not nerdy enough, don’t know how to party, party too hard, talk too much, don’t talk enough, Mom hates me, Dad loves me, friends love me, grandma hates me.

All at the same damn time.

Still have my goals but life conspires to keep me from them.

So, I started playing video games back in September. It was a hobby that I could use to 1) correct posture (I don’t recline and play games, I sit up, ready to pounce), 2) get out some aggression and stress, 3) take me out of my life. Worked but now I have a new obsession. Not all games just one. The Last of Us. It’s amazing. I can play it over and over. It’s got enough of a story to be a movie. It’s got enough game play to satisfy the beast. I was upset that there wasn’t a sequel or a movie… but now a sequel has been announced and I will wait impatiently for it.

I have played other games: Journey, Walking Dead Seasons 1 & 2. I also have a library full of them to keep me busy awhile.

I started reading again but in spurts. One weekend, I read 3 books. I’m due for another soon but it’s the holidays and I start projects and don’t finish them quite a bit.

My laptop died and I had to get another but cheaped out and it has almost no memory but now I have external drives that do the bulk of storage. Cloud services have disappointed and try to eat my files. Still, I’m doing the things that I like to do.

I am alive. I am doing mostly well. I’m getting to happier and happier places. My old friends aren’t… I don’t miss them much. I’m okay with my current friends. I’m still keeping to myself but it’s more of… I’m used to it than I seek to be myself.

I’m starting to be okay with myself. I love that.

I play video games. I collect comic books. I watch sci-fi. I read cheesy romance novels. I imagine a world of magic and dragons. I love me.

Tunes that I keep in my mind (Also trailers for awesome things):

Did I find me?

I feel good. I went home and I came back and that taxi ride home was horrendous but I survived it.

I worked the last three days with minimal drama. I did hate that everyone wanted to know how my “vacation” was. I could only shrug.

Going home is never the same. I love my family but we are so very different. Most of them were on their best behavior and I all but dared a few people to be their terrible selves. The only dig about my weight that my father made was when I hugged him in greeting… he couldn’t resist squeezing a love-handle. But he didn’t say anything and he didn’t make any jabs about any of my meals.

We watched the Rhonda Rousey fight and were glad we did so.

I went out with Miranda and some of the others after work. Not long just enough to detoxic from the week. Today is my Friday. I have the next day and a half off before I have to cover a shift for someone else.

SO… I’m hanging out with a Deep Ellum Double Brown Stout and The Guest. If you like stout beer, Double Brown Stout is a good one. If you like thrillers, The Guest is a good one. If you’re a fan of Dan Stevens, watch it. If you’re a fan of good-looking bad boys, watch it. If you’re a fan of half-naked men, just watch it. I can’t stop watching it. I love it. Also Annie’s Anthonio is my new haunting theme song. In the context of the movie, it’s incredibly creepy. So, I carry a bit of that thrill when I listen to it away from the movie.

I’m trying not to get caught up in the drama at work. It’s hard when people suck you into it.

I need a time capsule to capture these feel-goods so that when I’m not in this happy place, I can remember that it does in fact exist. I need some girl time with Laurel. We’ll make it happen soon enough.

The Balance

Not sure I’m actually balanced but I’m on an even enough keel that I’m enjoying myself in general.

Work is work. I had to dispatch the entire day instead of supervise but it went quickly and I wasn’t so exhausted when I got home that I needed to take a nap. Bad news; I’ve gained 40 pounds since I started this job. Good news: I’ve lost 8 pounds of that in the last week simply by sleeping.

I’m trying to stay even so that trend continues. I’ll sleep when I’m sleepy and eat when I’m hungry and go from there. I need to make room for a place to do some… yoga-lite. I can’t balance correctly for actual yoga but some room for some stretches would be good. It would work out the kinks and get me going.

I find myself fixated on people for odd reasons. My protege at work is getting himself over his head with the office tart and he’s been warned so I’m just backing off and letting him find out for himself what she’s about. I despise the office romance. I’ve banned them for myself… in spite of what is sometimes said about me and one of my former coworkers, that’s not a line I’ve ever crossed at this job.

I’m feeling ready to start dating again but I don’t want to go about it the way I have been. Random hookups and drinking with my fringe friends. I absolutely need to stop drinking with the management team at work. That’s just too much.

I feel I’ve come to terms with myself. I am, in fact, a morbidly obese, barren, neurotic and I kind of love myself this way. I could be healthier. I could love myself more. I could do and be a lot of things. So could everyone else.

I miss my friends. I see them rarely. I need to do a deep clean of the apartment this week. I’m going out of town for a weekend and I would hate to come back to my usual filthy existence. I should really stop living as if I’m in a frat house. Job 1 was getting rid of the spiders and I think I’ve beat the suckers.

I’ve been bolstered by the communities online… nearly as well as I was 15 years ago when I still lived at home. I don’t have the direct support I used to… I burned those bridges in a manic episode some 8 years ago. Still… The Bloggess is going through a time and I feel for her. I circled the blackhole earlier this here and it was hell on earth. I hope I never go that deep again. Jared Padelecki and Always Keep Fighting (Third round!) in conjunction with To Write Love On Her Arms has kept me from the brink. Just to know there’s that kind of power and response out there. I bought a couple of shirts around my birthday and wearing them to work and having to explain them gives me this… sort of power over myself. To be strong while I explain. To be calm. To not be afraid that today is the day that I have the panic attack in front of everyone. Just to educate maybe one person at a time about mental health.

I’m looking for all my old joys. Reading fluffy novels at a goodly pace, watching my shows, going back and watching old shows, dabbling in writing when I’m not otherwise engaged, listening to music. Singing. I haven’t belted in years and I’m working myself back up to it. I’m so critical of my own voice that I never learned to love it and my range. I’m starting to really like what my voice does… even if I’m the only one who hears it. (To be honest, I could have a mic and amplifiers and I still would be the only one who could hear me)

I wish it weren’t so hot so I could explore the neighborhood. I’m less afraid of falling than I used to be. I’ve embraced my gait fully. I can tell, by my walk, how much pain I’m in. I don’t feel the pain most of the time but if I’ve got a swing in my hips, my back is good. If I walk like an uptight robot, I’m in for a rough day.

I’ve even been thinking of hitting on this guy I get a glimpse of once a day but I’m a chickenshit and that will probably never happen. I would normally be thinking that I’d cross paths, mumble something incoherent and have to leave the state in my mortification. I don’t feel like that. Just find myself reading into everything. Like, why does he sit in his car until after I pass when he has enough time to drive off before I get to his lane. I do walk very slow these days. Does it mean anything? I don’t know. Probably not. Possibly not. Anyway.

Watching the Hillywood Show Supernatural Parody constantly is helping my moods. I don’t think I’ve even heard the Taylor Swift original but I do love this Deanmon.

So, lessons:

Usual me = 

Earlier this year me = 

Me, this month = 

OR = 

In any case, here’s some music:

Happy New Year

So, I’m a month late. Sorry.

Life has been… pretty damn shitty.

I’ve been unable to share myself fully with anyone in my life because I don’t want to burden anyone with my shit. There’s too much. It’s overwhelming and I couldn’t deal with it myself.

So, as I feel more capable. Today’s the day. 2015 has finally started for me.

I have some plans. I’ve unmade plans. The gist is this:

I have to get my heath together.

I recently had my third miscarriage less than two weeks ago and the acknowledgement of that, finally allowed some doctors to make an elimination list to diagnose my stomach issues. I have four conditions that will take changes in my life to maintain. So, I have calcium build up in my kidneys. I have an internal hemorrhoid. I have a very small ulcer. I have swelling in my gall bladder.

I am physically capable of carrying children in the future but if I don’t start planning for them now, I may never have them. As I don’t have a partner, I don’t have a plan.

These are the things I know. These are the things I can plan for and around.

I don’t have a car. I might get a raise in the next month. I can work more hours if I so choose. I have more options for rides than I did a month ago.

These are my tools.

I have made some new friends at work. I just have to remember that I am me and I do not have to party as hard as those youngsters and I do have to, I think, make it clear where the boundaries are as I can almost feel some set-ups starting to happen.

There is my socialization.

I’ve chosen, very poorly, for myself in recent years, men that are not into me for who I am but rather who they see when they look at me.

What does that mean?

It means that the last fellow and I started to fall apart the moment we got together because when we met, I was in a dirty sweatshirt, hair pulled back, no makeup and busted glasses. And then he was surprised to find that was my standard gear. That I don’t really own makeup and I don’t have “dress up” clothes and I know more about Marvel than he does.

It’s all really weird to me that guys always say they don’t like girls who play games or pretend to be something they are not but will not take a girl at face value if she strays in someway that was not they are used in girls who play games. Confused? I am.

I’m tired. My body is tired. I want to take long walks but our local cops have yet to catch the rapist terrorizing our fine city. I want to be social but only in my house. I want to have friends, but I sometimes have fears about ulterior motives. I love my new buddy but he’s young and into crazy and not convinced he won’t hit on me. I will always have my new third party with him and she drinks too hard for me but I shall moderate both her and myself. Cause I also broke my phone and I have to throw some money at a new one.

How can I be too nerdy, not nerdy enough, perfectly in love with myself, yet constantly underdressed? I going to continue to be me. I will brush my hair when I damn feel like it. I will wear a dress when I damn feel like it. I will read comics just as much or little that I like.

My Goals: Watch my diet. Continue with the low caffeine thing, get more fiber in my diet, increase water intake.

Baby steps.

Start a savings, work more overtime. Car shop relentlessly.

Baby steps.

I’ve already requested 3 people, not all of the ones that I should but… Baby steps.

2014 had a bit of hang time but I feel like I can finally start 2015.

Birthday Tunes

I don’t normally celebrate my birthday on my birthday but I had decided to do this sometime in the last two weeks. It seemed important as it was 33 and I’m dreading being 33. Events this week would normally make me not celebrate like it did the year I turned 29, when my aunt passed away as I was settling into work that day.

So, I’m trying to get into the mood. I’m pretty moody, so there are some tunes I compiled for my birthday mixtape as a gift to myself.

MindBroken – Rubicon

http://kiwi6.com/file/ikcnilac0g

 

Currency

 

Little Black Submarines

 

Radioactive

 

Paperweight

 

My Reflection

 

Voices Carry

 

You Can Keep ‘Em

 

My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys

 

MindBroken – These Are My Friends

http://kiwi6.com/file/nqxb7460ob

 

Perfect Memory

 

Almost Lover

 

Cups

 

Do I Wanna Know?

 

Valerie


Gravity Affects Me

 

Til the End

 

She Ain’t Me

 

Something’s Gotta Give

 

There they are, in no particular order. (I had to figure a way to post the old Mindbroken songs as Slumber was the only one on the net.)

Shimmer

I was starting to really feel like  a person again. I was. Then the world fell apart.

I came home Sunday and was surfing through my Facebook to see a couple of posts that had been posted to a friend’s timeline. The first was a picture posted of that friend holding his guitar back in the days when I first met him, it had a memorial typed across it. I brushed it off. His birthday was in a few days, today, and I figured it was his brother playing a joke. The second post was from the day before of a guitar flying-V guitar and a friend saying my friend needed to add it to my collection.

I continued my facebooking and I kept coming back to those posts. For two hours.

Then other posts starting popping up and I lost my shit.

Cesar and I met through our friend Adriana. They were in a band together after we all graduated from high school. Adriana and I from ours and Cesar from his in another part of town. I tagged along a lot as I was busy failing my way out of college and they were making their way in life. I moved a few years later but I kept in touch here and there. We posted on Facebook to each other. I muddled my way through life. They actually made something of theirs. They had ups and downs but leaned on each other.

Cesar married his sweetheart, they had a little girl. She just turned 11 last month. Adriana got to witness all that. They had similar fields in psychology, they continued to make music together through a few bands. Last I spoke to Adriana was a text on New Years of this year. Cesar and I had a facebook convo at some point in recent history about the two of them coming up here to do a show and maybe visit, I don’t even know when. Adriana hit me up last fall to let me know that they were thinking of my and my writing exploits. I wasn’t a good a friend as I could I have been but everyone goes their separate ways. Adriana  had her birthday a couple of months ago, today is Cesar’s birthday and Saturday is mine. This is our 33rd year on this planet and we’ve known each other for 20 years (Adriana and I) and 14 years (Cesar and I).

After I realized the posts I saw were legitimate and my friend was gone, I started bawling. I was texting Laurel and my sisters but I didn’t know what happened. I texted Adriana and got no response. So, I scrolled back through the feeds. They were getting ready for a show on Saturday night. I see nothing about the show. I had no idea if they made it or not. I had no idea what had happened and no one answered their phones. I cried myself to sleep.

I go to work. I muddle through. I come home and I scour the internet. Then I see it. The ages are wrong but I KNOW. It was the middle of the day. Afternoon. A truck ran a red light and smashed into a little white car containing both of my friends. The driver, allegedly and reportedly, was drunk and tried to flee the scene. I read the article five times and I turn back to facebook where Cesar’s brother has relayed the tale and also a few of their childhood and I bawl myself to sleep.

Anger is what I felt all day yesterday. They’re holding a vigil tonight. I can’t get away. Today is my day off but I’m so far under my bills, I can’t spare tomorrow as a travel day back. I can’t go to be with Adriana in the hospital. I can’t go and do something for Cesar’s widow and his little girl. I can only sit here and cry and cry and cry.

I have moments where I do something else. At work, there is plenty for me to do, I only have moments where my mind wanders and I want to cry. I had a cigarette yesterday. Just one. I did it. I cried all the way home. I have anger fantasies about the woman who did this terrible thing. I’m not a hateful person. There’s a short list of course but it’s short. This woman made the list. I want to feel sorry for her. Her life is about to change abruptly. She faces several charges, one of which comes with a 20 year sentence. I don’t currently care. I don’t feel sorry for her. Aside from being a drunk driver, a wreckless driver, an accidental murderer… she is a thief. She stole him from us.

A son, brother, father, husband, friend, band-mate and counselor to many, many, many, many people who are in shock and mourning and who are filled with sadness and rage. They are all lighting candles and praying and ranting and crying and demanding to know why.

There is no answer that is enough. There is no anything that is enough. There are so many stages of grief and people will work through them on their own timelines. I’m going to be in this vacillation of anger and denial for a while. It’s how I do grief. Then it’ll be anger and bargaining and then depression laced with anger. Then depression. Acceptance is something that just… occurs at some point. It’s all very logical when you put it into terms that can be expressed logically.

There is nothing logical about experiencing this. Ever.

I don’t normally pray. I certainly don’t do it for myself. Adriana, Mrs. Cesar and Little Cesar need my prayers…. and yours, if you’d be so obliging. I have every confidence that my good friend Cesar is delighting some folks with some Spanish guitar or even rocking them out with what I’m sure is a better equipped world than this one.

To my friend Cesar. Rock on.

So Torn.

It’s been a spectacularly crappy week.

I can’t. Even. No.

I’ve been all over the place. Mood swings, falling over shit. I fell today actually. My good foot lost traction and my bad foot can’t compensate and down I went. I had a trash bag in each hand so I couldn’t even break my own fall. That fear I had of walking around my complex and falling down and no one being able to help me… Happened. On the plus side. NO ONE SAW ME. That was mainly because we had a tornado or some tornado-like behavior and all maintenance folk were busy covering the windows of the folk who lost their windows in last night’s hail.

I’m one of those people. I was on my way home from work, much later than usual. I texted my other half Laurel St. James and she informed me of the impending tornado near to my house… and I got this message as I was in bumper to bumper traffic on a bridge over water. I prayed and drove while I tried to find that local emergency station. I managed to circumvent the storm. My home did not. North-side windows at my complex are all a variety of shattered and broken.

I have the worst bitch from Hell as one of my new managers. She’s crazy and I’m going to walk out someday soon. I love my regular managers but that’s just how bad this woman is and really I only see her two days a week unless I go in on an off day. I’m not sure I”m recovered enough from my previous job to handle a person this unhinged.

I’ve been planning to post for a while but… Life. I’ve tried dating a few guys but it’s all blah. We get to date three and discover there’s a significant spiritual incompatibility and it’s just too much. I seem to attract “Good Christian Folk” because I guess I “look” like one of their kind. I don’t have anything against those folk. Devout people are admirable. I’m just not one of them. I watched my family’s spirituality swirl down the toilet as my parents fought about whose religion we were all going to follow. I believe in God. Everything else is just unknowable and unquantifiable. I just… can’t profess to believe in things that I don’t feel are true enough that I would wage a holy war over it. I’m just trying to be a good person. THat’s all that anyone can really try to be. If you need a devout person to share your life with, churches hold single’s nights. That’s where your girl is. Not here. Not me.

Are you spinning yet? That’s only about a quarter of what’s going on in my brain.

I keep getting baby stuff in the mail. I think I briefly researched some stuff when Laurel St. James was pregnant… and I think someone who used to live in this apartment is currently throwing baby showers (I got an invitation to a stranger’s shower). It freaks me out a bit. I have a bunch of stuff in my car that I’m going to take over to her if I can ever make it over. It makes my head spin. Clocks ticking. My neurotic tendencies telling me that having babies is a bad idea. I lost my necklace for a bit yesterday. I freaked out about it all day long. I’m not a person who freaks out. I’m not a person who would stay home from work to look for a piece of jewelry. Most people at work could tell I was stressed but not that I was on the edge. That kid would be nearly 5 this year. That thought freaks me out.

I’m also ovulating. Makes all the moods that much moodier. Also, a lot of guys who are normally on the no-list look pretty appealing. Just let me go shoot myself before I end up with another Sir Douchecanoe of Douchenshire. I’m going to blindfold myself, put my phone in a drawer and avoid speaking to men at all costs. Just for a while.

I have to move. I can’t afford my apartment. I can’t find a roommate who isn’t crazy. I looked around at prices. They all want more money than I’m already spending for less space than I have now. I have less than 30 days to give my notice if I’m going to re-lease or vacate at the end of the summer. My options don’t look good unless I magically get a higher paying job and/or get some asshole to marry me. I recognize that at this point in my life, it will take an asshole to put up with me.

So, on a regular day, I’m thinking about the above. On a regular day, I can handle it. This week? Nope. Can’t handle it. Won’t handle it. Don’t want it. Please, make it stop.

It’s 2014, y’all!

Don’t read too much enthusiasm into that title.

 

I feel like I just climb out of a deep well of despair and anxiety.

Today was a terrible day. I slept later than I planned. I didn’t have all the ingredients for breakfast. I spilt juice on the floor. I broke my shower. I got lost on the way to pick up my new cellphone. Lost in a parking lot. I nearly spilled lunch on it before I got it charged. I jacked up my WiFi. My cat got banned from any room that had workers because she misbehaves and they think she has rabies. My uncle thought my Facebook post was an invitation to chat. My old phone won’t update my new phone’s address book. I didn’t get 60% of my chores done today.

 

And my phone rediscovered an old douchebag boyfriend’s phone number.

I tried to breathe through it and find all the silver linings but it sucked. I work in the morning and I hope I have clean socks. I’ve thought about smoking all day.

I just want to close my eyes and watch SGU on my eyelids. We should have that technology by now.

Also, my face is peeling off. I hate February allergies.

The word of the day is “inappropriate” because of everything.

Scroogey McScroogeface

Merry Christmas.

 That’s about all the Christmas cheer I can muster.

At least I decorated this year. Maybe I just did it last week.

I’m not feeling it. I haven’t felt it in a long time. I’m dreading the day. I know it’s okay. I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be with people. I have the day off work. I feel bad for not feeling it.

I haven’t been feeling much of anything that isn’t hunger, pain or anxiety or incredible sadness.

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been busy. And sick. Right before Thanksgiving I got sick. Everything I ate made me sick one way or another. I started looking for a doctor but after the last doctor I saw for non-back related problem, I’m skittish. My current predicament has brought that last one to the fore… over and over again. It’s dragging back into the pits of depression.

I cry at the drop of hat. I’m starting to cry right now. For a microsecond I had a thought about the child I almost had and never really wanted and bam! Tears. I’m an extremely patient person and I’m really good with kids. I just don’t want any myself. That may change. I don’t really have long to change my mind but I decided a long time ago that I didn’t want kids if I didn’t have someone to share them with.

It’s just one of the many things that makes me feel other and abnormal. I was getting good at not feeling that way anymore. Since I’ve been sick, I have been taking my supplements in a reliable way and I haven’t really been able to take anything for pain so my moods have been all over the place. I rationalize my mood. I allow it pass through and know that it will but it just keeps coming.

I’m going to actually get to a doctor as soon as I can figure out my plan. If there’s not a solution in that, I don’t know what else to do.

I’m going to spend Christmas with my second family. I’m going to miss my family. I’ll spend New Years at home because I don’t have the energy to go out and do something. I spent last New Years a blubbery mess. I spent the New Year’s before that pissed off at the people I couldn’t find. The year before that I was with a roommate. The year before that I spent it waiting for people to call and show up who never did so I clung to the worst boyfriend that I have ever had. None of it was good.

I’m not feeling the cheer and goodwill but I know. I KNOW. I just know there’s going to be a change soon. I can feel that. Good or bad, it’s going to happen and I will make it work. That’s what I do. I make things work.

Looking for focus

I’m supposed to go to the laundromat today because all my other options became non-options. I keep thinking about the panic attack I’m going to have when there are too many people or just the one person who tries to talk to me. Truth is… the panic attack is not going to happen. I will be calm and collected and I may escape to the bathroom a few times and then I’ll rush to get out of there so I won’t fold anything and when I get home, I’ll bawl my eyes out because holding it together was entirely too stressful. I’ll go to bed without putting anything away, I’ll wake up exhausted and have to go through two more days of work before I can just sit at home and hide under a blanket for the entire day.

That’s right. My fear of outside is based on a fear of what MIGHT happen.

I’m aware that it is irrational. I am aware that I should probably be on medication for this or at least be under the care of a professional but I just don’t want to.

I keep looking around for anything to focus on but I just can’t find anything. My leasing off was closed before I got home so I can’t report the things I need fixed. I just keep eyeing the laundry detergent on the table and reminding myself that I need, REALLY need, to get this shit down. But I can’t move. I can’t.

Tried to read but my mind wandered off.

Tried to call my friends on the phone but no one is picking up. Lil Sis is on her way to work. Big Sis is with her kids at the circus. Best bud hasn’t returned my neurotic texts in nearly a week and I think she’s mad at me but I logically know she’s not, she’s just got shit to do. I’m so tired of staring at the fucking laundry detergent.

I have a few hours yet to get my shit together and get outside where the people are. I should probably stop by the drug emporium and pick up some kava kava and get my act together properf

And now I feel really, really tired.