New Year, Same Old Thing

I’m actually a little upset that this is my first post this year. I meant to post something last week or the week before but I was so tired I was literally asleep 14 hours of the day. Please note that I work anywhere from 9 to 12 hours a day. (There is a chance I was asleep some at work but I was working!!!)

Nothing is going to change with this New Year. I know it. I don’t have any motivation for big changes. I’m going with the little ones.

I’m deleting all accounts with dating apps. It’s no longer amusing. It’s no longer fun. It’s a terrible way for me to meet men because of the following:

  • Men who are bold enough to talk to me only want one of the following:
    • A date for the night
    • A woman they can dictate to
    • The person they think I am by my face.
  • The market is flooded with snakes, they scare off the teddy bears
  • I have a weakness or two
    • Jerky men that I can throw away
    • Interesting men who turn into stalkers
  • I tell the truth far too often

I tend to scare off the men who are good for me. If those men are interested, their moves are so subtle they fly under my radar. I need to pay more attention to my surroundings.

I’ve decided to cook more. Which is becoming a chore as I kind of stopped eating. Currently there is a very delicious soup that I spent all morning making while I was cleaning up around the house… I’ve been snacking out of a tiny bag of vegan jerky that I accidentally bought thinking it was real meat. I don’t even like it. It’s got an awful aftertaste and the jerky part is so powdery that I may have to scrape my tongue later.

I’ll end up eating that soup all weekend while I’m at work and the soup weather probably won’t hold and I’ll get sick of it and throw it out. I’ll end up surviving on tacos at work.

My washing machine is busted. I came home from Christmas to find the timer broken. They maintenance guy had to wait until after the start of the year to order a new one. That’s a week without a washing machine. Then it was going to take 10 business days to get it. So that’s three weeks without a washing machine. Last Friday, the part arrived. They sent a timer for a dryer instead of a washer. So he had to go back and reorder it. Tomorrow will make a whole month without my washer… and still another 5 business days until the damned thing gets here most likely.

I borrowed my neighbor’s machine around week two. Unmentionables and jeans, a hoodie or two. Just to tide me over… That’s a commitment I can’t make too often. She likes to talk and talk and talk. I’m not a talker. I love her but I can’t do it again, especially after the week I’ve had. I’ve got NO clean linens. I just hand-washed three loads of clothes in my tiny bathroom sink. I’ll probably do another two tonight. I’m wishing for my grandmother’s old scrubbing tub & wringer right now.

I want to cut my hair but I can’t tell if it’s because I want short hair or if I’m frustrated with my hair or if I’m frustrated with life. I AM certain that it had nothing to do with a man. I was told once by a good friend and former coworker that I should NEVER take my frustration with a man on my hair. He was right. I hated that hair cut I got that time.

My phone is blowing up because a coworker who just had a kid (technically his girlfriend had the kid) needs to find coverage for the shifts he’s missing this week. I already relayed through my manager that I probably couldn’t and that was before the trainwreck that was yesterday. Yesterday takes a bit of explaining.

My manager has this terrible habit of indulging bad behavior in dispatchers because he fancies them friends. Note: No one is ever FRIENDS with the manager and for a reason. He enables and enables and it gets us stuck with someone who now has the following mentality. “My supervisor is talking to me but… I don’t really want to do what she says and since Bossman thinks we’re friends, I can complain to him and then… I won’t do what she says anyway. Yeah… I’m going to get on my phone and walk off the floor without telling anyone. He’ll back me up.” I know it’s really specific but this has happened more than once and in almost exactly the same manner. Capable dispatchers stop being capable because my manager enables them to be mediocre.

SO. The situation is this: we are short-staff, it’s winter, and it’s fucking busy. I try not to dispatch because I can’t monitor. If I don’t monitor my assistant manager sure as fuck won’t. He gets annoyed that someone is interrupting his Netflix time and then I have to deal with a disgruntled dispatcher. So I always spread the wealth around to make sure everyone has just enough fuel to get through the day and I work hard as fuck to monitor and catch everyone’s bitchwork. I update the digital texts for EVERY MARKET IN THE COMPANY. Then at the end of shift, no one has transferred shit into the billing program and I stay behind to get that done, for the whole company. I did this on Saturday and Sunday. Exhausted. Monday was double the busy. Call-ins. Blah. I got stuck monitoring because my senior supervisor was dispatching. We put another supervisor to dispatch. Then we put another supervisor to monitor ONE pod. Nobody fucking did any communication. It fell on me. I got yelled at. I was monitoring the whole company, dealing with a new program we just opened and picking up holds for every market that rolled over. Tuesday was triple the busy and all those supervisors I mentioned, they were dispatching. AND we had another one who was dispatching. So, I monitored and updated AND communicated. It wasn’t everything but I got a system down where I moved pod to pod and whatever happened in the previous ten minutes got reported. Big Boss got a highlight reel and it was going to have to be good enough.

I’d like to note that I did not eat during shift on any day except Saturday. I didn’t have time. So, while I remembered to take my medication, it was on an empty stomach and I’ve had horrendous back problems the last two weeks.

Yesterday: I’m exhausted. My manager texted me early to remind me about the meeting he had with the new program rep. All supervisors were dispatching except me because he wanted me in the meeting. Around 8am, I get a call from a dispatcher. Her podmate “Derek” was fighting with a driver. I didn’t have time to deal with it. I told her I’d look into it and that we should be dispatching and not fighting with technicians. My assistance manager rolls in and he’s pissed cause it’s his day off and he has to be in this meeting with the rep. 9 am and boss man is there, assistant manager and the rep are talking about reports. I’m trying to get problems addressed, customers updated and then I get Miranda telling me that Derek popped off to our junior supervisor when he was asked what was going on that they called a code red. Something along the lines of “You know what? Never mind, I’ll just call a real supervisor for help.” Fuck. I have to pull this guy off the floor. Only it’s a code red and they gotta get settled first.

I go check on them and they seem real busy only the screen doesn’t have a lot of calls on it. I tell Derek I need to see him when he gets off the phone. I wait but I don’t interrupt my boss or the assistant manager. This isn’t a big deal. I’ll talk with him, we’ll get it addressed, he’ll go back to his seat. THEN, Gloria storms into the back room and pulls the Jr. supervisor out to ask him some questions. We have a meeting in the training room. This would be Gloria, Miranda and I and we swap stories. Turns out Derek is still popping off to the jr. supervisor and he cursed out a technician, who reported it directly to Gloria. We have to send him home. I page for him again. I go in and I let the assistant manager know that Derek’s being an asshole and I have to clock him out. I wait. I call the extension directly, he picks up right away. I call him out again. Gloria disappeared. I shut the manager’s office. I shut all the dispatching doors and I pull Derek into the training room. Miranda is there and sitting quietly as my witness. Derek called the other junior supervisor in to be HIS witness. I ask him what he said to the supervisor in his pod. Swears nothing happened. I ask about what happened with the driver. Doesn’t remember, nothing happened. I say, “Well, the reports I have is disrespect for a supervisor and cursing on the dispatch floor to a driver. I can’t pull the tapes right now because boss man is in a meeting but I have to clock you out and send you home pending an investigation. Someone will call you to let you know the outcome.”

Derek starts arguing immediately that it’s not fair and who reported what and he demands to speak to bossman. I repeat what I said. I’m calm. I’m fair. I don’t raise my voice and he just keeps on and on about talking to bossman. I tell him. “Both our manager and assistant manager are aware of this situation and that I’m clocking you out. Please do so.” Miranda hops in and then the shit hits the fan. Derek starts yelling and cursing and I move for the door. “I change my mind. Don’t clock out. Just go.” We make a human wall between the training room door and the front door. This man starts pushing us. This is a grown man. In fact, all four of us are in our mid to late 30s. He calls Miranda a cunt. He calls me fucking worthless. About this time, a man who works for recruiting walks through and sees this madness. His posture immediately screams “Oh Hell NO.” He becomes a human bulldozer and without pushing, gets Derek toward the front door. Then Derek throws a cup he’s had in his hand this whole time. He’s aiming for Miranda. It hits me square in the face. They get him out the front door and onto the street.

I’m shaking. I’m more in shock than anything else. I go directly to the manager’s office and compose an email about the event. I’m trembling and my boss is staring at me but I don’t say anything. Then our onboarding manager comes to get me. I go sit in her office for ten minutes while the tears leak out and the shaking subsides. I’m fine. I had worse happen to me working for the state. They have to gather all the facts but dude is done. He’s good as fired. The timestamp on my email was 10am. I still had half a shift left to do.

So, no, coworker, I will not pick up your shifts. I’m trying to figure out why I don’t want to eat and how I’m going to get the rest of my clothes washed so I have something to wear to work on Saturday. I’m a superhero to some people now but I don’t want it. I’d rather it be spring and the country not breaking out in blizzards and tornados and these new folks trained right. I’m gonna start being a hard ass just to get everyone where I need them so I don’t have to kill myself just to keep up.

I feel like I might be teetering on the brink of another deep depression but I’m addressing my pain issues and my mood issues and maybe it won’t be that bad. I’m not eating like shit the way I was last year when I toppled into the abyss. One day at a time and I’m not expecting 2016 to solve all my problems. I’d just like a whole week without back pain or stomach issues or feeling like hurting myself is going to make the dark feelings go away. Just one week.

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The Balance

Not sure I’m actually balanced but I’m on an even enough keel that I’m enjoying myself in general.

Work is work. I had to dispatch the entire day instead of supervise but it went quickly and I wasn’t so exhausted when I got home that I needed to take a nap. Bad news; I’ve gained 40 pounds since I started this job. Good news: I’ve lost 8 pounds of that in the last week simply by sleeping.

I’m trying to stay even so that trend continues. I’ll sleep when I’m sleepy and eat when I’m hungry and go from there. I need to make room for a place to do some… yoga-lite. I can’t balance correctly for actual yoga but some room for some stretches would be good. It would work out the kinks and get me going.

I find myself fixated on people for odd reasons. My protege at work is getting himself over his head with the office tart and he’s been warned so I’m just backing off and letting him find out for himself what she’s about. I despise the office romance. I’ve banned them for myself… in spite of what is sometimes said about me and one of my former coworkers, that’s not a line I’ve ever crossed at this job.

I’m feeling ready to start dating again but I don’t want to go about it the way I have been. Random hookups and drinking with my fringe friends. I absolutely need to stop drinking with the management team at work. That’s just too much.

I feel I’ve come to terms with myself. I am, in fact, a morbidly obese, barren, neurotic and I kind of love myself this way. I could be healthier. I could love myself more. I could do and be a lot of things. So could everyone else.

I miss my friends. I see them rarely. I need to do a deep clean of the apartment this week. I’m going out of town for a weekend and I would hate to come back to my usual filthy existence. I should really stop living as if I’m in a frat house. Job 1 was getting rid of the spiders and I think I’ve beat the suckers.

I’ve been bolstered by the communities online… nearly as well as I was 15 years ago when I still lived at home. I don’t have the direct support I used to… I burned those bridges in a manic episode some 8 years ago. Still… The Bloggess is going through a time and I feel for her. I circled the blackhole earlier this here and it was hell on earth. I hope I never go that deep again. Jared Padelecki and Always Keep Fighting (Third round!) in conjunction with To Write Love On Her Arms has kept me from the brink. Just to know there’s that kind of power and response out there. I bought a couple of shirts around my birthday and wearing them to work and having to explain them gives me this… sort of power over myself. To be strong while I explain. To be calm. To not be afraid that today is the day that I have the panic attack in front of everyone. Just to educate maybe one person at a time about mental health.

I’m looking for all my old joys. Reading fluffy novels at a goodly pace, watching my shows, going back and watching old shows, dabbling in writing when I’m not otherwise engaged, listening to music. Singing. I haven’t belted in years and I’m working myself back up to it. I’m so critical of my own voice that I never learned to love it and my range. I’m starting to really like what my voice does… even if I’m the only one who hears it. (To be honest, I could have a mic and amplifiers and I still would be the only one who could hear me)

I wish it weren’t so hot so I could explore the neighborhood. I’m less afraid of falling than I used to be. I’ve embraced my gait fully. I can tell, by my walk, how much pain I’m in. I don’t feel the pain most of the time but if I’ve got a swing in my hips, my back is good. If I walk like an uptight robot, I’m in for a rough day.

I’ve even been thinking of hitting on this guy I get a glimpse of once a day but I’m a chickenshit and that will probably never happen. I would normally be thinking that I’d cross paths, mumble something incoherent and have to leave the state in my mortification. I don’t feel like that. Just find myself reading into everything. Like, why does he sit in his car until after I pass when he has enough time to drive off before I get to his lane. I do walk very slow these days. Does it mean anything? I don’t know. Probably not. Possibly not. Anyway.

Watching the Hillywood Show Supernatural Parody constantly is helping my moods. I don’t think I’ve even heard the Taylor Swift original but I do love this Deanmon.

So, lessons:

Usual me = 

Earlier this year me = 

Me, this month = 

OR = 

In any case, here’s some music:

Happy New Year

So, I’m a month late. Sorry.

Life has been… pretty damn shitty.

I’ve been unable to share myself fully with anyone in my life because I don’t want to burden anyone with my shit. There’s too much. It’s overwhelming and I couldn’t deal with it myself.

So, as I feel more capable. Today’s the day. 2015 has finally started for me.

I have some plans. I’ve unmade plans. The gist is this:

I have to get my heath together.

I recently had my third miscarriage less than two weeks ago and the acknowledgement of that, finally allowed some doctors to make an elimination list to diagnose my stomach issues. I have four conditions that will take changes in my life to maintain. So, I have calcium build up in my kidneys. I have an internal hemorrhoid. I have a very small ulcer. I have swelling in my gall bladder.

I am physically capable of carrying children in the future but if I don’t start planning for them now, I may never have them. As I don’t have a partner, I don’t have a plan.

These are the things I know. These are the things I can plan for and around.

I don’t have a car. I might get a raise in the next month. I can work more hours if I so choose. I have more options for rides than I did a month ago.

These are my tools.

I have made some new friends at work. I just have to remember that I am me and I do not have to party as hard as those youngsters and I do have to, I think, make it clear where the boundaries are as I can almost feel some set-ups starting to happen.

There is my socialization.

I’ve chosen, very poorly, for myself in recent years, men that are not into me for who I am but rather who they see when they look at me.

What does that mean?

It means that the last fellow and I started to fall apart the moment we got together because when we met, I was in a dirty sweatshirt, hair pulled back, no makeup and busted glasses. And then he was surprised to find that was my standard gear. That I don’t really own makeup and I don’t have “dress up” clothes and I know more about Marvel than he does.

It’s all really weird to me that guys always say they don’t like girls who play games or pretend to be something they are not but will not take a girl at face value if she strays in someway that was not they are used in girls who play games. Confused? I am.

I’m tired. My body is tired. I want to take long walks but our local cops have yet to catch the rapist terrorizing our fine city. I want to be social but only in my house. I want to have friends, but I sometimes have fears about ulterior motives. I love my new buddy but he’s young and into crazy and not convinced he won’t hit on me. I will always have my new third party with him and she drinks too hard for me but I shall moderate both her and myself. Cause I also broke my phone and I have to throw some money at a new one.

How can I be too nerdy, not nerdy enough, perfectly in love with myself, yet constantly underdressed? I going to continue to be me. I will brush my hair when I damn feel like it. I will wear a dress when I damn feel like it. I will read comics just as much or little that I like.

My Goals: Watch my diet. Continue with the low caffeine thing, get more fiber in my diet, increase water intake.

Baby steps.

Start a savings, work more overtime. Car shop relentlessly.

Baby steps.

I’ve already requested 3 people, not all of the ones that I should but… Baby steps.

2014 had a bit of hang time but I feel like I can finally start 2015.

Dating Over 30 – #16

I’ve all but abandoned the apps I was using. So… 24 hours ago, I decided to give a new one a go.

Like the others, it promises anonymity if you’re out there liking guys left and right and don’t want them to know unless they like you two. The other apps stated they had this thing but then there would be all these notifications from men you didn’t even see who were “matches” and there’s this realization that every time you clicked “like” those guys got a message. GAH!

Seems not to be the case with this one. I have not gotten a single “like” from some random. Everything has been “mutual.”

It eases the mind some. AND… I am attracting a higher class of guy than I previously thought. I just now put a description. It probably won’t affect it in anyway as I’m not reading them unless I can’t decide in 10 seconds if I want to “yep” or “nope.”

I get carried away with the “nopes.” I’m picky but I’m 33. I need to be.

I’ve only had one brave soul message me so far and it was EARLY this morning. He kept checking on me throughout the day and I managed to glance at one or two of the messages while I was pretending to read messages from my boss. I used that cover all damned day whenever anyone questioned why my phone was out.

It’s a little confidence booster. I’ve got like 10 “mutuals” right now.

But I am also tired. I’m actually supposed to be working on something right now but I was doing half-hearted research and then started playing with the app…

Also… how does one take a decent selfie? I can’t manage it. I don’t have an easy smile that I can just pull out of nowhere. I’m told my smile is wonderful but I always feel fake when there’s a camera. I just… I can’t do the selfie!!!

Regrets

It’s hard not to have regrets. You can’t be the person you are without being the person you were.

Everything that has ever happened to you contributes to the person you are and will be.

I wish, a lot of times, that I had not spoken when I did, had not spoken what I did when I did… and it’s part of the neurotic melodrama that plays in my head hours, days, weeks, months afterward.

Sometimes you dial a number you know you shouldn’t, then you get trapped in a moment where you’re forced to either have the conversation you didn’t really want to have or hang up and be mortified.

Sometimes, you act out. You go home with a guy because you’re lonely and he’s there and it’s okay. Then you think… why did I do that? I never do that. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Nothing’s wrong. You take a chance. You have a moment. You either live with it or dwell on it or forget all about it.

Then weeks later, you’re doing math. Was it 4 weeks ago? Six? Seven? You start thinking about it all over again.

It starts a spiral unless you nip it in the bud. I’m trying not to spiral.

I did it. I was okay with it. I’m still kind of okay with it. I’m not particularly interested in track the dude down. I’m just… wondering. Been to the ER, had my follow up phone calls and I’m okay. I’m fine… fine-ish.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. I think I managed it okay. I’ve talked to a couple of people here and there, people I see daily… more as a reminder that I have people around me who would be watching if something was wrong that I can’t see because I get stuck in my head.

You get ideas in your head about yourself. Having some of them confirmed is not always so reassuring. It’s one thing to think a thing but to have it scientifically confirmed is sometimes worse.

I’m fine. I will be fine.

I’m writing. I have ideas.

I’m working. I’m putting together teams that work.

I have a list of things that I need to fix at home, on my car. I’m getting them done one at a time because I haven’t worked much overtime because if it’s not one thing, it’s another that has me in bed, cursing my uterus, my esophagus, my numb leg or my bad back.

I’m hanging in there. I don’t know how thick this thread is. I don’t know how much pressure it can take.

The people that I NEED to talk to, I can’t see to bring myself to call. I’m letting the agoraphobia win the big things but not the small things. Forcing myself to do things outside of my comfort zone when the risk is acceptable. Making that my routine so that I can step outside it in bigger steps later.

I miss my buddy. Haven’t spoken to him in nearly a month. Everyone has to tell me that they ran into him here or there and then they wait. My answer is always the same. Haven’t seen him since his last day.

I miss my Laurel. I’m spewing randomness into her text feeds but not saying the things I need to say. I think she knows that and that I’ll say something when I can.

I miss my mom. Don’t know what she’d say about any of the messes I’ve made for myself in recent years.

I love my new place. I love my job. I love my friends. There could be more. There just isn’t. I don’t have the emotional room even if it presented itself. I’m not fond of other people’s honest opinions unless they match my own right now.

Maybe once I get my car going, I can get some girls together for a fun night out or something to get out of my own head.

Dating Over 30 – #15

I haven’t really been in the mood to date. It may or may not be the reason my last date went so awry.

I try not to have ideas anymore. I try not to run the gamut in my mind of the entire relationship before we pick up the check. I have found myself doing that on occasion.

It happened with DoucheCanoe but I dated him anyway. That was a disaster and way worse than I could have imagined.

I did it with Captain Weenie and learned where his crazy buttons were within three months. I win!! And it totally meshed with what went down last week. He’s going to be who he is and I’m going to be who I am.

Things I’ve discovered about myself: I AM NOT SHY.

Reserved? Maybe.

Prim? Never.

My old job, I had to hold my tongue. That spell is wearing off. I speak my mind more. I enjoy it. I try not to be mean but sometimes it comes out. It’s a part of who I am and I understand the way my mother tried to temper it. It went far awry from her plan. I became mute.

One of my coworkers compared me to Daria after we’d been talking about the show a bit. It’s not the first time, won’t be the last time. Only difference is, Daria endured and excelled in areas where I just gave up. Not even gonna lie, some of my friends thought MTV was spying on me for some of those plotlines. The similarities were astonishing.

I’m awkward. Most people don’t see it until I’ve accidentally snubbed the bud they were trying to set me up with or the new girlfriend that they just knew I’d hit it off with. Sometimes, I just don’t get it. I don’t read the signs well. I don’t catch on.

Sometimes, the things I have every reason to like… I despise. No rhyme. No reason. Just is.

I’ve gotten some notifications from the apps I’ve left running. No one jumps out at me.

I’m a bit tired of it and wish it were easier.

I’ve been invited… a few times… to watch a band play. I don’t ever go. The crowds. The distance. The possibility that I might meet someone there. All terrifying. I just laugh off the invite and remind those youngsters that I’m an old lady and have no business out past my bedtime. It’s just easier.

Doing nothing is extremely easy. And it’s utterly without reward.

And I have net again.

Geez, I’ve been away a while.

My internet was just installed after a month-long ordeal.

Recap:

I’ve moved closer to work. Very close.

I’m still settling in. I’m in financial dires but I’m working it out. I’m trying to keep my shit together so that I can keep doing so.

Today? Trigger day. It’s my mother’s birthday and I’ve tried to keep from thinking about it. I loved her and that was wonderful. Dad sent his text out. I teared up. My sister posted some angel bullshit to Facebook and I choked up. Then I shut it down. I cannot afford to wallow because that just starts a whole other mess of shit that I don’t want to deal with. Tomorrow is my ex’s birthday and also the estimated due date of the child I almost had. He or she would have turned 5 tomorrow. Friday is Dad’s birthday and I just need to keep it together so when I call him, I can sound like a grown-up.

This was the 3rd appointment I made to have my internet installed. It was hassle after hassle and this company has really shitty customer service. The rep who took my order was wonderful. The technician was wonderful. The TEN people I talked in between were terrible, terrible people but I didn’t have any options given my geographic location as there’s only one company who will come out to this place. I finally have it and it’s still giving me problems but I have faith that it’s just the first day type shit.

Stuff at work is better. The drama, for the most part, doesn’t involve me. Miranda was talked to and she actually changed before she was talked to because she knew from the moment I walked in that Thursday that she was in deep shit. My only problem with her now is that she’s convinced my buddy “David” and I should be dating. I… Work is not my hunting ground. He’s an attractive and funny dude but he’s my buddy. That’s a line I will not cross. I just wish Miranda would leave it alone. I don’t show him preferential treatment but we have a rapport and it keeps both of us going through the longer days.

Speaking of which. Captain Weenie made a reemergence. He was the dude that had a firm timeline for our relationship before it started and I was too fragile to handle anything more than winging it. He and I did not part well. Well, he and I found each other on a dating app (a different one than the one we originally met on) and agreed to meet up and try again with a clean slate… Apparently, he doesn’t actually know what that phrase means.

The first go round was okay. We met on this one app. We went on a terrible date. Bad food, not enough conversation. We mutually declared a mulligan in the middle. Changed locations and started over. CW and myself had a lot in common. This led to a second date. Third date cancelled on account of my old crazy job. On our actual third date, I met half of his friends. I wasn’t expecting it. I introduced him to Laurel and Ninjamin. They liked him. I liked him. He liked me… He wanted me to RSVP to an invitation that he had to RSVP to very shortly. It was a destination wedding. It was going to be he and I on a trip across state to his best friend’s wedding. We’d only hugged by that point. Dates kept getting interrupted by work, and also some panic attacks. One date was at my place cause I sprained my ankle. He still didn’t make it to first base. Gerald and I had a conversation about it. I couldn’t get it up for CW. We were alike, maybe too much alike and I had to kill it sooner rather than later. I called it off. He told me I had issues in a sort of backhanded manner that left a bad taste in my mouth.

So, this clean slate coffee thing? Not so much. I still felt zero sexual attraction. This is a very horny lady speaking. Very. Couldn’t get that feeling going. Maybe it was a bit obvious as we chitchatted and got caught up on the last three years. He made a snide comment about my focus. Okay, I say snide but it was offhand. Maybe I was distracted. Maybe I was still thinking about the way he took his dismissal. Maybe I was just too aloof. Something about me just set him off. Now, on his good days, his voice is still softer than mine… it was kind of funny. I didn’t mean to laugh. I did. Just a little. It was fuckin’ adorable. He stormed out. I finished my coffee and then went to a movie. I had a better time at the movie by myself.

I usually do.

So Captain Weenie and I were not meant to be.

So… maybe I do have a habit of emasculating men but I do adore them. I like them a lot.

Shrug.

I’m just gonna buy some birds and become a crazy bird lady.

Songs of the Week:

SanguinDrake – Get Up And Walk Away

Kacey Musgraves – The Trailer Song

The Darkness – I Believe in Thing Called Love

Rosalee and Steve Carlson – I Believe

Anna Kendrick – Cups

Grant Lee Buffalo – Demon Called Deception

Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should Have Come Over

Lana Del Ray – Once Upon A Dream

SanguinDrake – Instant Gratification

Cyndi Lauper – Time After Time

So Torn.

It’s been a spectacularly crappy week.

I can’t. Even. No.

I’ve been all over the place. Mood swings, falling over shit. I fell today actually. My good foot lost traction and my bad foot can’t compensate and down I went. I had a trash bag in each hand so I couldn’t even break my own fall. That fear I had of walking around my complex and falling down and no one being able to help me… Happened. On the plus side. NO ONE SAW ME. That was mainly because we had a tornado or some tornado-like behavior and all maintenance folk were busy covering the windows of the folk who lost their windows in last night’s hail.

I’m one of those people. I was on my way home from work, much later than usual. I texted my other half Laurel St. James and she informed me of the impending tornado near to my house… and I got this message as I was in bumper to bumper traffic on a bridge over water. I prayed and drove while I tried to find that local emergency station. I managed to circumvent the storm. My home did not. North-side windows at my complex are all a variety of shattered and broken.

I have the worst bitch from Hell as one of my new managers. She’s crazy and I’m going to walk out someday soon. I love my regular managers but that’s just how bad this woman is and really I only see her two days a week unless I go in on an off day. I’m not sure I”m recovered enough from my previous job to handle a person this unhinged.

I’ve been planning to post for a while but… Life. I’ve tried dating a few guys but it’s all blah. We get to date three and discover there’s a significant spiritual incompatibility and it’s just too much. I seem to attract “Good Christian Folk” because I guess I “look” like one of their kind. I don’t have anything against those folk. Devout people are admirable. I’m just not one of them. I watched my family’s spirituality swirl down the toilet as my parents fought about whose religion we were all going to follow. I believe in God. Everything else is just unknowable and unquantifiable. I just… can’t profess to believe in things that I don’t feel are true enough that I would wage a holy war over it. I’m just trying to be a good person. THat’s all that anyone can really try to be. If you need a devout person to share your life with, churches hold single’s nights. That’s where your girl is. Not here. Not me.

Are you spinning yet? That’s only about a quarter of what’s going on in my brain.

I keep getting baby stuff in the mail. I think I briefly researched some stuff when Laurel St. James was pregnant… and I think someone who used to live in this apartment is currently throwing baby showers (I got an invitation to a stranger’s shower). It freaks me out a bit. I have a bunch of stuff in my car that I’m going to take over to her if I can ever make it over. It makes my head spin. Clocks ticking. My neurotic tendencies telling me that having babies is a bad idea. I lost my necklace for a bit yesterday. I freaked out about it all day long. I’m not a person who freaks out. I’m not a person who would stay home from work to look for a piece of jewelry. Most people at work could tell I was stressed but not that I was on the edge. That kid would be nearly 5 this year. That thought freaks me out.

I’m also ovulating. Makes all the moods that much moodier. Also, a lot of guys who are normally on the no-list look pretty appealing. Just let me go shoot myself before I end up with another Sir Douchecanoe of Douchenshire. I’m going to blindfold myself, put my phone in a drawer and avoid speaking to men at all costs. Just for a while.

I have to move. I can’t afford my apartment. I can’t find a roommate who isn’t crazy. I looked around at prices. They all want more money than I’m already spending for less space than I have now. I have less than 30 days to give my notice if I’m going to re-lease or vacate at the end of the summer. My options don’t look good unless I magically get a higher paying job and/or get some asshole to marry me. I recognize that at this point in my life, it will take an asshole to put up with me.

So, on a regular day, I’m thinking about the above. On a regular day, I can handle it. This week? Nope. Can’t handle it. Won’t handle it. Don’t want it. Please, make it stop.

It’s 2014, y’all!

Don’t read too much enthusiasm into that title.

 

I feel like I just climb out of a deep well of despair and anxiety.

Today was a terrible day. I slept later than I planned. I didn’t have all the ingredients for breakfast. I spilt juice on the floor. I broke my shower. I got lost on the way to pick up my new cellphone. Lost in a parking lot. I nearly spilled lunch on it before I got it charged. I jacked up my WiFi. My cat got banned from any room that had workers because she misbehaves and they think she has rabies. My uncle thought my Facebook post was an invitation to chat. My old phone won’t update my new phone’s address book. I didn’t get 60% of my chores done today.

 

And my phone rediscovered an old douchebag boyfriend’s phone number.

I tried to breathe through it and find all the silver linings but it sucked. I work in the morning and I hope I have clean socks. I’ve thought about smoking all day.

I just want to close my eyes and watch SGU on my eyelids. We should have that technology by now.

Also, my face is peeling off. I hate February allergies.

The word of the day is “inappropriate” because of everything.

Scroogey McScroogeface

Merry Christmas.

 That’s about all the Christmas cheer I can muster.

At least I decorated this year. Maybe I just did it last week.

I’m not feeling it. I haven’t felt it in a long time. I’m dreading the day. I know it’s okay. I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be with people. I have the day off work. I feel bad for not feeling it.

I haven’t been feeling much of anything that isn’t hunger, pain or anxiety or incredible sadness.

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been busy. And sick. Right before Thanksgiving I got sick. Everything I ate made me sick one way or another. I started looking for a doctor but after the last doctor I saw for non-back related problem, I’m skittish. My current predicament has brought that last one to the fore… over and over again. It’s dragging back into the pits of depression.

I cry at the drop of hat. I’m starting to cry right now. For a microsecond I had a thought about the child I almost had and never really wanted and bam! Tears. I’m an extremely patient person and I’m really good with kids. I just don’t want any myself. That may change. I don’t really have long to change my mind but I decided a long time ago that I didn’t want kids if I didn’t have someone to share them with.

It’s just one of the many things that makes me feel other and abnormal. I was getting good at not feeling that way anymore. Since I’ve been sick, I have been taking my supplements in a reliable way and I haven’t really been able to take anything for pain so my moods have been all over the place. I rationalize my mood. I allow it pass through and know that it will but it just keeps coming.

I’m going to actually get to a doctor as soon as I can figure out my plan. If there’s not a solution in that, I don’t know what else to do.

I’m going to spend Christmas with my second family. I’m going to miss my family. I’ll spend New Years at home because I don’t have the energy to go out and do something. I spent last New Years a blubbery mess. I spent the New Year’s before that pissed off at the people I couldn’t find. The year before that I was with a roommate. The year before that I spent it waiting for people to call and show up who never did so I clung to the worst boyfriend that I have ever had. None of it was good.

I’m not feeling the cheer and goodwill but I know. I KNOW. I just know there’s going to be a change soon. I can feel that. Good or bad, it’s going to happen and I will make it work. That’s what I do. I make things work.