New Year, Same Old Thing

I’m actually a little upset that this is my first post this year. I meant to post something last week or the week before but I was so tired I was literally asleep 14 hours of the day. Please note that I work anywhere from 9 to 12 hours a day. (There is a chance I was asleep some at work but I was working!!!)

Nothing is going to change with this New Year. I know it. I don’t have any motivation for big changes. I’m going with the little ones.

I’m deleting all accounts with dating apps. It’s no longer amusing. It’s no longer fun. It’s a terrible way for me to meet men because of the following:

  • Men who are bold enough to talk to me only want one of the following:
    • A date for the night
    • A woman they can dictate to
    • The person they think I am by my face.
  • The market is flooded with snakes, they scare off the teddy bears
  • I have a weakness or two
    • Jerky men that I can throw away
    • Interesting men who turn into stalkers
  • I tell the truth far too often

I tend to scare off the men who are good for me. If those men are interested, their moves are so subtle they fly under my radar. I need to pay more attention to my surroundings.

I’ve decided to cook more. Which is becoming a chore as I kind of stopped eating. Currently there is a very delicious soup that I spent all morning making while I was cleaning up around the house… I’ve been snacking out of a tiny bag of vegan jerky that I accidentally bought thinking it was real meat. I don’t even like it. It’s got an awful aftertaste and the jerky part is so powdery that I may have to scrape my tongue later.

I’ll end up eating that soup all weekend while I’m at work and the soup weather probably won’t hold and I’ll get sick of it and throw it out. I’ll end up surviving on tacos at work.

My washing machine is busted. I came home from Christmas to find the timer broken. They maintenance guy had to wait until after the start of the year to order a new one. That’s a week without a washing machine. Then it was going to take 10 business days to get it. So that’s three weeks without a washing machine. Last Friday, the part arrived. They sent a timer for a dryer instead of a washer. So he had to go back and reorder it. Tomorrow will make a whole month without my washer… and still another 5 business days until the damned thing gets here most likely.

I borrowed my neighbor’s machine around week two. Unmentionables and jeans, a hoodie or two. Just to tide me over… That’s a commitment I can’t make too often. She likes to talk and talk and talk. I’m not a talker. I love her but I can’t do it again, especially after the week I’ve had. I’ve got NO clean linens. I just hand-washed three loads of clothes in my tiny bathroom sink. I’ll probably do another two tonight. I’m wishing for my grandmother’s old scrubbing tub & wringer right now.

I want to cut my hair but I can’t tell if it’s because I want short hair or if I’m frustrated with my hair or if I’m frustrated with life. I AM certain that it had nothing to do with a man. I was told once by a good friend and former coworker that I should NEVER take my frustration with a man on my hair. He was right. I hated that hair cut I got that time.

My phone is blowing up because a coworker who just had a kid (technically his girlfriend had the kid) needs to find coverage for the shifts he’s missing this week. I already relayed through my manager that I probably couldn’t and that was before the trainwreck that was yesterday. Yesterday takes a bit of explaining.

My manager has this terrible habit of indulging bad behavior in dispatchers because he fancies them friends. Note: No one is ever FRIENDS with the manager and for a reason. He enables and enables and it gets us stuck with someone who now has the following mentality. “My supervisor is talking to me but… I don’t really want to do what she says and since Bossman thinks we’re friends, I can complain to him and then… I won’t do what she says anyway. Yeah… I’m going to get on my phone and walk off the floor without telling anyone. He’ll back me up.” I know it’s really specific but this has happened more than once and in almost exactly the same manner. Capable dispatchers stop being capable because my manager enables them to be mediocre.

SO. The situation is this: we are short-staff, it’s winter, and it’s fucking busy. I try not to dispatch because I can’t monitor. If I don’t monitor my assistant manager sure as fuck won’t. He gets annoyed that someone is interrupting his Netflix time and then I have to deal with a disgruntled dispatcher. So I always spread the wealth around to make sure everyone has just enough fuel to get through the day and I work hard as fuck to monitor and catch everyone’s bitchwork. I update the digital texts for EVERY MARKET IN THE COMPANY. Then at the end of shift, no one has transferred shit into the billing program and I stay behind to get that done, for the whole company. I did this on Saturday and Sunday. Exhausted. Monday was double the busy. Call-ins. Blah. I got stuck monitoring because my senior supervisor was dispatching. We put another supervisor to dispatch. Then we put another supervisor to monitor ONE pod. Nobody fucking did any communication. It fell on me. I got yelled at. I was monitoring the whole company, dealing with a new program we just opened and picking up holds for every market that rolled over. Tuesday was triple the busy and all those supervisors I mentioned, they were dispatching. AND we had another one who was dispatching. So, I monitored and updated AND communicated. It wasn’t everything but I got a system down where I moved pod to pod and whatever happened in the previous ten minutes got reported. Big Boss got a highlight reel and it was going to have to be good enough.

I’d like to note that I did not eat during shift on any day except Saturday. I didn’t have time. So, while I remembered to take my medication, it was on an empty stomach and I’ve had horrendous back problems the last two weeks.

Yesterday: I’m exhausted. My manager texted me early to remind me about the meeting he had with the new program rep. All supervisors were dispatching except me because he wanted me in the meeting. Around 8am, I get a call from a dispatcher. Her podmate “Derek” was fighting with a driver. I didn’t have time to deal with it. I told her I’d look into it and that we should be dispatching and not fighting with technicians. My assistance manager rolls in and he’s pissed cause it’s his day off and he has to be in this meeting with the rep. 9 am and boss man is there, assistant manager and the rep are talking about reports. I’m trying to get problems addressed, customers updated and then I get Miranda telling me that Derek popped off to our junior supervisor when he was asked what was going on that they called a code red. Something along the lines of “You know what? Never mind, I’ll just call a real supervisor for help.” Fuck. I have to pull this guy off the floor. Only it’s a code red and they gotta get settled first.

I go check on them and they seem real busy only the screen doesn’t have a lot of calls on it. I tell Derek I need to see him when he gets off the phone. I wait but I don’t interrupt my boss or the assistant manager. This isn’t a big deal. I’ll talk with him, we’ll get it addressed, he’ll go back to his seat. THEN, Gloria storms into the back room and pulls the Jr. supervisor out to ask him some questions. We have a meeting in the training room. This would be Gloria, Miranda and I and we swap stories. Turns out Derek is still popping off to the jr. supervisor and he cursed out a technician, who reported it directly to Gloria. We have to send him home. I page for him again. I go in and I let the assistant manager know that Derek’s being an asshole and I have to clock him out. I wait. I call the extension directly, he picks up right away. I call him out again. Gloria disappeared. I shut the manager’s office. I shut all the dispatching doors and I pull Derek into the training room. Miranda is there and sitting quietly as my witness. Derek called the other junior supervisor in to be HIS witness. I ask him what he said to the supervisor in his pod. Swears nothing happened. I ask about what happened with the driver. Doesn’t remember, nothing happened. I say, “Well, the reports I have is disrespect for a supervisor and cursing on the dispatch floor to a driver. I can’t pull the tapes right now because boss man is in a meeting but I have to clock you out and send you home pending an investigation. Someone will call you to let you know the outcome.”

Derek starts arguing immediately that it’s not fair and who reported what and he demands to speak to bossman. I repeat what I said. I’m calm. I’m fair. I don’t raise my voice and he just keeps on and on about talking to bossman. I tell him. “Both our manager and assistant manager are aware of this situation and that I’m clocking you out. Please do so.” Miranda hops in and then the shit hits the fan. Derek starts yelling and cursing and I move for the door. “I change my mind. Don’t clock out. Just go.” We make a human wall between the training room door and the front door. This man starts pushing us. This is a grown man. In fact, all four of us are in our mid to late 30s. He calls Miranda a cunt. He calls me fucking worthless. About this time, a man who works for recruiting walks through and sees this madness. His posture immediately screams “Oh Hell NO.” He becomes a human bulldozer and without pushing, gets Derek toward the front door. Then Derek throws a cup he’s had in his hand this whole time. He’s aiming for Miranda. It hits me square in the face. They get him out the front door and onto the street.

I’m shaking. I’m more in shock than anything else. I go directly to the manager’s office and compose an email about the event. I’m trembling and my boss is staring at me but I don’t say anything. Then our onboarding manager comes to get me. I go sit in her office for ten minutes while the tears leak out and the shaking subsides. I’m fine. I had worse happen to me working for the state. They have to gather all the facts but dude is done. He’s good as fired. The timestamp on my email was 10am. I still had half a shift left to do.

So, no, coworker, I will not pick up your shifts. I’m trying to figure out why I don’t want to eat and how I’m going to get the rest of my clothes washed so I have something to wear to work on Saturday. I’m a superhero to some people now but I don’t want it. I’d rather it be spring and the country not breaking out in blizzards and tornados and these new folks trained right. I’m gonna start being a hard ass just to get everyone where I need them so I don’t have to kill myself just to keep up.

I feel like I might be teetering on the brink of another deep depression but I’m addressing my pain issues and my mood issues and maybe it won’t be that bad. I’m not eating like shit the way I was last year when I toppled into the abyss. One day at a time and I’m not expecting 2016 to solve all my problems. I’d just like a whole week without back pain or stomach issues or feeling like hurting myself is going to make the dark feelings go away. Just one week.

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