I’m back on the spiral. It didn’t take much. I vacillate between rage and sadness.
I was invited out by no fewer than 10 people. I arranged a ride, a back up ride, a back up-back up ride and a back up for the back up-back up ride. No one showed. No one called. No one texted.
I’m going to be questioned on why I didn’t show. Someone’s feelings will be hurt that I wasn’t there for the grand send off and I can’t bring myself to call any of those rides to find out why they all ended up at the destination and couldn’t find the energy to let me know they couldn’t swing by for me.
So, I’m doing what I do. I don’t have booze so I’ve arranged a date. Should be here within the next half hour. I’m going to be mean. I’m going to get drunk and laid and then I’m never going to talk to him again. It’s not going to make me feel better. It’s not going to fix anything. I’m going to wake up in the morning and not go to work the way I had planned because I’m too angry and sad.
It shouldn’t be a big deal except that I’ve been dealing with people flaking on me my own life and I’ve hit my limit. I have absolutely no one in my life that I can count on. Maybe I’ve chased them all away. Maybe my expectations are far too high. Maybe I don’t think I deserve to have people in my life. I don’t know. I just know that I’m so done for the night.
I can’t deal with people I know anymore. I’m sick of them. If I had the means, I would pick up and move some place where I don’t know a soul and just get lost.
I am trying to calm down enough that while I’m mean to my date, I’m not vicious. I’m still in that mode. Any word out of my mouth will cut deep and no one deserves that.
Breathing exercises while I fix my face and wait for my escape.