So, I’m doing better than I was. I guess you can say I’m skewing up to a higher plane.
I’m still rather isolated from my usual crew. I’m building a new one, I guess… but half of those folks, I can’t really trust the way I would like.
I’ve come on some rather unsettling intel recently.
I’m not really a person to play games. If I say it, I mean it. I really do. So, I’ve hit my limit on people visiting my intentions.
I’m not out to get people fired. I’m not condemning people committing acts that I know nothing about. I’m not saying a thing to a person’s face and another behind their back. It’s just not my bag.
If I don’t like you, you won’t know it because I’m a nice person. If I despise you, you’ll know it by a distinct lack of my presence. If I like you, I’ll show it. If I love you, you’re in my heart even if you don’t care.
This conversation I had, I only remember pieces, the juiciest bits because I was on a cocktail of benadryl and alcohol. I may shade my own words but I’ve never put so much shadow that they’re unintelligible to people who know me. Still, I’ve found myself burdened with other people’s thoughts on my actions or inactions. I am cursed with my own vision of myself as it clashes with others visions of me.
I don’t have a lot of friends and I don’t spend a lot of time with the ones I have. I’ve never allowed a friend to stay in a bad situation if I could help it but we all know there are situations that you cannot insert yourself into. Other people’s marriages, for example, are none of my business. None. I have very strict views on the sanctity of marriage. Your marriage is not my business. Your husband is yours. Your wife is yours. I will not come between that. If you divorce or separate, that’s your business. It has nothing to do with me.
I’m not naive. People treat each other horribly everyday. I’m guilty myself. One thing I will never do, is involve myself with a married man. Will not do it. I absolutely detest movies that glorify cheating. I cannot abide it. You do with your life what you will but keep me out of it.
Manipulating people you hardly know to enhance your own life is shitty. Ex: I have a friend. She’s married to a man who is friends with some of my friends. The case of which that we know her through her husband. They have a child together. I am closest to the child out of the three of them. I’ve just spent more time with him that anyone else in that family. I have no clue what goes on in their marriage. I am aware of some circumstances as it came to be it interfered with my job but that’s the extent of it. I cannot take sides on a thing that I’m not knowledgeable of. After the event, it became whispered that there was an affair, an assault and maligning. All these things had nothing to do with me. I cannot take sides on a thing I was not a part of. Apparently, I have been blamed for a multitude of these things.
I’m so filled with rage that my name was invoked in any of it. I had nothing to do with it. I was background noise at the most.
I hate being judged for things that aren’t true. I don’t take up for wife-beaters. I don’t have affairs with dispatchers. I don’t try to make people fail at their relationships or jobs.
I make mistakes. I make plenty of thing. I’m in the middle of a mistake right now. You know what it doesn’t involve? My friends or my work. When I fuck up, I try to minimize the damage. It’s lonely but unless I’m sure what I’m doing, I don’t involve other people.
On a brighter note, the same conversation is forcing me to look at how I look at myself differently.
I’ve always been accused of stealing boyfriends. Strangest phenomena for someone who has trouble making eye contact with people in general. Once, I cheated. Once. I felt like shit. I cheated on a cheater because, at a wise 19, I thought it would make me feel better. It didn’t. So, I don’t cheat. I won’t participate in other people cheating.
I’ve always been heavy. I’m currently at my heaviest that I have ever been. I have never seen myself as the person who gets the guy. I was the DUFF before I know what that was. I’ve always seen myself that way. I have always been the smart one in the group. Always. One of my friends pointed out to me that I seem like a highly sexual person, just in the way that I carry myself. I’ve been told that I can be intimidating. I’ve been told I come off shy. So that kind of threw me. She said that what blows her out of the water about me is that I look so self-possessed and somehow don’t know it and it’s very alluring.
I don’t know if it’s enough to change my thought patterns but it’s shaken them up a bit. Enough that I’ve been locked in my house for 28 hours straight and spent most of those asleep.
I don’t know how I’m going to go to work and face those assholes who think they know me and clearly don’t. I don’t know how I’m going to get a word to my friends who aren’t speaking to me in order to clear up this confusion… if that’s even what it’s about.
It’s 5am and I haven’t slept and I may just spent the day watching Marilyn Monroe movies to get me out of my own head for a bit.