Dating Over 30 – #15

I haven’t really been in the mood to date. It may or may not be the reason my last date went so awry.

I try not to have ideas anymore. I try not to run the gamut in my mind of the entire relationship before we pick up the check. I have found myself doing that on occasion.

It happened with DoucheCanoe but I dated him anyway. That was a disaster and way worse than I could have imagined.

I did it with Captain Weenie and learned where his crazy buttons were within three months. I win!! And it totally meshed with what went down last week. He’s going to be who he is and I’m going to be who I am.

Things I’ve discovered about myself: I AM NOT SHY.

Reserved? Maybe.

Prim? Never.

My old job, I had to hold my tongue. That spell is wearing off. I speak my mind more. I enjoy it. I try not to be mean but sometimes it comes out. It’s a part of who I am and I understand the way my mother tried to temper it. It went far awry from her plan. I became mute.

One of my coworkers compared me to Daria after we’d been talking about the show a bit. It’s not the first time, won’t be the last time. Only difference is, Daria endured and excelled in areas where I just gave up. Not even gonna lie, some of my friends thought MTV was spying on me for some of those plotlines. The similarities were astonishing.

I’m awkward. Most people don’t see it until I’ve accidentally snubbed the bud they were trying to set me up with or the new girlfriend that they just knew I’d hit it off with. Sometimes, I just don’t get it. I don’t read the signs well. I don’t catch on.

Sometimes, the things I have every reason to like… I despise. No rhyme. No reason. Just is.

I’ve gotten some notifications from the apps I’ve left running. No one jumps out at me.

I’m a bit tired of it and wish it were easier.

I’ve been invited… a few times… to watch a band play. I don’t ever go. The crowds. The distance. The possibility that I might meet someone there. All terrifying. I just laugh off the invite and remind those youngsters that I’m an old lady and have no business out past my bedtime. It’s just easier.

Doing nothing is extremely easy. And it’s utterly without reward.

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