So Torn.

It’s been a spectacularly crappy week.

I can’t. Even. No.

I’ve been all over the place. Mood swings, falling over shit. I fell today actually. My good foot lost traction and my bad foot can’t compensate and down I went. I had a trash bag in each hand so I couldn’t even break my own fall. That fear I had of walking around my complex and falling down and no one being able to help me… Happened. On the plus side. NO ONE SAW ME. That was mainly because we had a tornado or some tornado-like behavior and all maintenance folk were busy covering the windows of the folk who lost their windows in last night’s hail.

I’m one of those people. I was on my way home from work, much later than usual. I texted my other half Laurel St. James and she informed me of the impending tornado near to my house… and I got this message as I was in bumper to bumper traffic on a bridge over water. I prayed and drove while I tried to find that local emergency station. I managed to circumvent the storm. My home did not. North-side windows at my complex are all a variety of shattered and broken.

I have the worst bitch from Hell as one of my new managers. She’s crazy and I’m going to walk out someday soon. I love my regular managers but that’s just how bad this woman is and really I only see her two days a week unless I go in on an off day. I’m not sure I”m recovered enough from my previous job to handle a person this unhinged.

I’ve been planning to post for a while but… Life. I’ve tried dating a few guys but it’s all blah. We get to date three and discover there’s a significant spiritual incompatibility and it’s just too much. I seem to attract “Good Christian Folk” because I guess I “look” like one of their kind. I don’t have anything against those folk. Devout people are admirable. I’m just not one of them. I watched my family’s spirituality swirl down the toilet as my parents fought about whose religion we were all going to follow. I believe in God. Everything else is just unknowable and unquantifiable. I just… can’t profess to believe in things that I don’t feel are true enough that I would wage a holy war over it. I’m just trying to be a good person. THat’s all that anyone can really try to be. If you need a devout person to share your life with, churches hold single’s nights. That’s where your girl is. Not here. Not me.

Are you spinning yet? That’s only about a quarter of what’s going on in my brain.

I keep getting baby stuff in the mail. I think I briefly researched some stuff when Laurel St. James was pregnant… and I think someone who used to live in this apartment is currently throwing baby showers (I got an invitation to a stranger’s shower). It freaks me out a bit. I have a bunch of stuff in my car that I’m going to take over to her if I can ever make it over. It makes my head spin. Clocks ticking. My neurotic tendencies telling me that having babies is a bad idea. I lost my necklace for a bit yesterday. I freaked out about it all day long. I’m not a person who freaks out. I’m not a person who would stay home from work to look for a piece of jewelry. Most people at work could tell I was stressed but not that I was on the edge. That kid would be nearly 5 this year. That thought freaks me out.

I’m also ovulating. Makes all the moods that much moodier. Also, a lot of guys who are normally on the no-list look pretty appealing. Just let me go shoot myself before I end up with another Sir Douchecanoe of Douchenshire. I’m going to blindfold myself, put my phone in a drawer and avoid speaking to men at all costs. Just for a while.

I have to move. I can’t afford my apartment. I can’t find a roommate who isn’t crazy. I looked around at prices. They all want more money than I’m already spending for less space than I have now. I have less than 30 days to give my notice if I’m going to re-lease or vacate at the end of the summer. My options don’t look good unless I magically get a higher paying job and/or get some asshole to marry me. I recognize that at this point in my life, it will take an asshole to put up with me.

So, on a regular day, I’m thinking about the above. On a regular day, I can handle it. This week? Nope. Can’t handle it. Won’t handle it. Don’t want it. Please, make it stop.

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