Still Alive

I’m hanging in there. Today was a lot less pain than has been the usual. Enjoyed that. I have a lot of preparation to do if I’m going to make my life work again.

I’m composing another roommate ad. I’m getting into a routine, which may mean picking up another shift per week at work.

I’m going to really look at the dating thing as an objective thing. It’s not working and there are fairly obvious reasons why.

I need to be more assertive and it’s one of the things I’m really afraid of. I don’t know why. Meek isn’t the right word. People have used push-over. I hate conflict but you get me riled up enough, then enough is enough.

There’s an issue at work where part of your shift duties is to prepare a list of people who will be available at certain times. You pass this on to the next shift so they know what the deal is, they gather the same info on their shift and so on and so forth. The last two weeks, ESPECIALLY, this has been jacked up and affects the way my shift runs and my boss yells at me because it just really looks like I don’t know what’s going on. And I don’t. Because the information is unreliable. So I did what I could. I talked to the people on the list. I gave that info to the next shift and ran over it verbally. Then I came in early and talked to the previously shift and we talked about the discrepancies, then at the end of the shift, I asked at the discrepancies. This was a process I rinsed, lathered and repeated for a solid two weeks and every other shift pointed their finger at another shift.

Then it happened that a day this weekend was particularly fucked because so much information was incorrect. So I outlined my process and what the results were and I emailed it to EVERYONE. Then, this morning, I presented the previous shift info, the actual schedule and how it was inaccurate to my boss. I’m clear. I have done my job and then some. Other shifts are going to hate me but their fuck-ups have affected my ability to do my job for the last time. Two WHOLE weeks of chances to get it the fuck right.

I’m pretty humble, really. I know I’m not the best at my job. I know that there are loads of better people. The difference between me and what I do and what other people do is in the results. Our contacts are nicer to me because I am nice to them, even when they fuck up. I consistently thank people for a job well done and I kindly suggest changes when it isn’t. I don’t want to be yelled at. I don’t want to be bitched at. I don’t want to be accused of doing something I didn’t or conversely of not doing something I should. So I make sure it’s done and it’s done right to the best of my ability.

A lot of the people I work with, this is the hardest job they have ever had. Sometimes, they lord it over me that they have higher numbers or better accuracy or lower deadline busts. When they get to high and mighty, I remind them that I used to do a job similar and then some. By some, I mean I was accounting and manager and supervisor and programmer and designer and marketer and I wrote the rules and I dealt with patients and the families and I covered everyone’s asses at the same time.

This job lets me have a bit of focus. It’s just one avenue. My boss keeps telling me that I could be getting a promotion if things keep improving. Admittedly, that scares the shit out of me. I don’t think there’s much money involved in that but all extra money is welcome. I just left a job where I was the be-all and end-all. I’m not looking forward to having that much responsibility again. But those are the jobs that kind of… find me.

When I was at Whataburger, I wasn’t there long enough to get a promotion but I was there long enough to see some long-term employees get canned. At the Library, I got the entire library on a barcode system. When I worked at DQ, I was the shift manager even though we really didn’t have one of those and there were employees who had been there for years (I was there a year). At the hotel, I was the one who straightened out guest snafus over three other employees who were technically the ones who were supposed to have that job. At the residential care, I was the low man on the totem-pole, timewise, but had all the procurement cards. Then came my last job where I was under-educated and under-qualified but made it my own for five years giving high quality service… when I had the proper tools to do so.

There’s the big thing. Having the tools to do your job is important and so many companies just want you to make do. There are just some things you can’t make do without. There’s where I put my foot down and that’s why I was fired.

My anxiety about it is becoming less. Mostly because I feel comfortable enough to gripe out my cohorts because things they do make other people want to call me on the carpet. So I cover for everyone and light everyone else up. I try to be nice about it. I’m not an ogre.

Sigh.

I hate needing people. It’s just… something I hate doing, it’s also why my relationships don’t last long. I don’t NEED that person. I just barely WANT that person. I’d rather be on my own. I know that everyone needs someone but I haven’t found that person I Want AND Need. I also haven’t been looking very hard.

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