Looking for focus

I’m supposed to go to the laundromat today because all my other options became non-options. I keep thinking about the panic attack I’m going to have when there are too many people or just the one person who tries to talk to me. Truth is… the panic attack is not going to happen. I will be calm and collected and I may escape to the bathroom a few times and then I’ll rush to get out of there so I won’t fold anything and when I get home, I’ll bawl my eyes out because holding it together was entirely too stressful. I’ll go to bed without putting anything away, I’ll wake up exhausted and have to go through two more days of work before I can just sit at home and hide under a blanket for the entire day.

That’s right. My fear of outside is based on a fear of what MIGHT happen.

I’m aware that it is irrational. I am aware that I should probably be on medication for this or at least be under the care of a professional but I just don’t want to.

I keep looking around for anything to focus on but I just can’t find anything. My leasing off was closed before I got home so I can’t report the things I need fixed. I just keep eyeing the laundry detergent on the table and reminding myself that I need, REALLY need, to get this shit down. But I can’t move. I can’t.

Tried to read but my mind wandered off.

Tried to call my friends on the phone but no one is picking up. Lil Sis is on her way to work. Big Sis is with her kids at the circus. Best bud hasn’t returned my neurotic texts in nearly a week and I think she’s mad at me but I logically know she’s not, she’s just got shit to do. I’m so tired of staring at the fucking laundry detergent.

I have a few hours yet to get my shit together and get outside where the people are. I should probably stop by the drug emporium and pick up some kava kava and get my act together properf

And now I feel really, really tired.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s