And then I relapse

So, I have a good stretch where I think things are going pretty well and then bam! I feel like shit all the time and I don’t know how to climb out of the hole. Usually I would write but I find myself incapable of doing that. So I’m doing this.

I know a lot of it has triggers. I’m in pain pretty much all the time. I can shut it off for brief periods to do things I need to do. Like work. But then I eventually get up and I have to move and it’s still there.

I sprained my ankle Saturday morning. I wasn’t running. I didn’t trip over anything. I just fell the fuck down and ate concrete. There’s a security tape somewhere that I’m sure has provided lots of laughs to someone. It still hurts a lot.

Now that I’ve got a day off and the swelling has gone down some, it still hurts. Which reminds me that my back hurts. I’d take something for it but that will make me sleepy and then I’ll get nothing accomplished.

The pain triggers my anxiety which triggers my depression.

I was already in that cycle. The pain just made things worse.

I did manage to do some things that needed to be done. I changed the sheets. I cleaned one half of the sink. I cleaned the coffee maker so I could make coffee.

I still need to do laundry. I don’t envision that it will happen.

I need to clean the litter box, clean out the fridge, throw the garbage, find a better paying job or a roommate.

They are all manageable tasks. Except I can’t seem to get up and do them.

I keep thinking, maybe I’ll watch a new show, a funny movie or drop into a foreign film and then I’ll get moving but I’ve been through the first five minutes of six shows since I sat down to turn on my computer this morning.

During my bath this morning, I found myself flashing back to moments 10 years gone and wishing I had done them differently. Not even life-changing moments. Just the things that happen and fill time but of no real consequence in life.

I’m ruminating on things that I thought I’d shut behind me. My sister asked me the other night if I felt weird dating the Douchecanoe because he was 4 years younger than me. It wasn’t a big deal to me at the time. I’d never dated a younger guy before but I figured if I was going to date him, I was going to have to take him as he was. Later I realized that if I couldn’t fathom bringing a life into the world with him that I probably shouldn’t have been with him in the first place.

So, I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Watched The Other Woman the other night and that made me think of it, too. Then I do anything I can NOT to think about it.

I heard a horror story of a pregnancy nightmare from a woman at work. I want to talk to somebody about it but I can’t. I don’t even really want to think about it and the only person I really want to talk to about it, is in a place where such a story would bring undue worry and stress.

I cry nine times a day about nonsense. I stare at the front door and I cannot fathom going outside. Standing in front of it, the walls start to close in and instead of escaping into the world, I just want to make myself small and tuck myself behind a chair with a flashlight and book until the feeling fades.

It does eventually but at that point I’m exhausted and I’ve had a thousand visions of myself going outside and having a panic attack where people can see.

I don’t watch the new much these days. It’s been a trying week. I have a coworker that I feel expresses too much glee in discussing the horrible things that have come to pass. I don’t indulge the conversations but others do and I can’t unhear them. So, the words turn over and over in my mind and I can’t turn them off. I try to focus on my work. I try to think of other things. I can’t.

Trayvon Martin goes unavenged by our justice system (The same laws convict a woman of a lesser crime elsewhere). Texas abortion laws get stricter (also you can carry a gun into a government building but not a tampon or sanitary napkin) without regard to women’s health and safety. Babies are being found in dumpsters. Corey Monteith died (he’s younger than I am and I am a fan).

My world isn’t so big these days. My day to day worries are surrounding my ability to pay my bills, my ability to cope and keeping my worries low enough not to trigger a massive depressive episode.

No, this is still not that. I’ve been down lower than I currently am. I just had more tools at my disposal when that happened than I do now.

Logically, I know these feelings will pass. I’m going to feel better in minutes, or hours, or in a day or so. I hope.

Currently, the minutes are ticking by so slowly that I feel like I’ve been awake for days instead of hours.

I didn’t even get to enjoy the rain this morning. I love the rain. It didn’t make me happy this morning.


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