Dating Over 30 #13

So… yeah, I’m still alive. Been working my ass off to compensate for having no roommate. Trying to be social.

Have a date tomorrow night. Trying not to think about it too hard. That’s what screws me up. Wish me luck.

I had to turn off my profile to keep The Quanitifier at bay. Note, the man has my phone number, does not use it to contact me. That weirds my shit right out.

I checked my inboxes and after setting up my date, I had to clear them out:

Douches R Us:

Lame attempts at attention. Barely even worth mentioning.


The owner has decided to eliminate an entire category of dating because women aren’t into it but men are but they’re only getting men who are pretending to be women. I find that fuckin’ hilarious.

Then there’s Indiscriminate Douches:

“If you want to talk, feel free.” (Dime si quieres charlar.) “Are you a baked potato? Because “Wow, you’re hot!”” These are the favorite of guys covered in douchey tattoos, also of guys with Ponch sunglasses

“If I had a garden, I’d put your tulips and my tulips together.” Guys who think they’re nerds.

“Flowers or Chocolates?” Guys who do duck lips.

“Perdí mi número de teléfono, ¿Me puedes prestar el tuyo?” (“I lost my number. Can I have yours?”) “Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.” Guys who think they are smooth.

“¿Tu padre es astronauta? Porque alguien tomó las estrellas del cielo y las puso en tus ojos” (“Is your father is an astronaut? Because someone took the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes”) Guys who try too hard.

“Yes or no: Do you believe in love at first sight?” “If you want to meet up for a coffee sometime, let me know.” Guys who don’t show their whole faces… creepy.

“Wink, Wink.” “Hola preciosa.” “Hey goodlooking.” Guys who think this will break the ice… also pose like it’s Glamour Shots time.

“Are you an outgoing person or are you on the shy side?” “You must have lasers in your eyes because you’ve stunned me.” Guys who pose while doing sports.

“¿Te hiciste daño al caer del cielo?” (Did it hurt when you fell from the sky?) Guys who do selfies on their front porch.

“Estoy escribiendo un artículo acerca de las cosas buenas de la vida. ¿Puedo hacerte una entrevista” (I’m doing an article on the good things in life. Can I do an interview?) Wow.

“Why is such a good looking person like you still single?” “You’re so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.” The guys are always in pictures taken from like 100 feet away. And seriously? That’s what you choose as your first impression?

“Hola, soy un ladrón, y estoy aquí para robarte el corazón” (“Hi, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart”) – Car selfies

“I’m single and ready to mingle.” “I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!” Yuppies.

“Why aren’t you in jail? It’s illegal to look that good.” “You’d better direct that beauty somewhere else before you set my face on fire.” “Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you.” “I was wondering if you had an extra heart, mine seems to have been stolen.” Guys posing with grills, cars, bikes.

“Vivo en calle CARIÑO, esquina CORAZÓN, a la vuelta del OLVIDO, mi número es el AMOR.” – This was a mess and the guy looked supercreepy… like maybe we’ll see him on TV in a few years because he has women in his basement.

“Do you mind holding my hand while I take a walk in the park?” This guy’s selfie was done with a camera… that takes 110 film, done in a bathroom mirror….


OMG. My brain hurts. I just had to sort them after a while.

I wish all these guys some girl to love. Or guy. Some of them seem like they’re on the wrong team. And for the seriously creepy guy… he’s gonna need some mental health services.

Laugh or cry. I mean really. I’m exhausted from work. I’ve chosen not to work overtime much this week because I’m tired and I need to get some shit done at home.

So… tomorrow night, I’ll have a beer. I’ll meet this dude and I’ll try not to fuck it up by thinking too much.


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