Dating over 30 #12

So… another late post. That’s me. I’m not even going to pretend I have a schedule for this shit anymore.

So, I did have my phone date with… I’m going to call him The Quantifier. This led to a real date on a Friday night. How perfectly normal. Except all the parts were it wasn’t and that was okay. We chatted about beer and the way we awkwardly interact with the world. But that’s all we talked about all night. I told him about the boyfriends I’d had (he asked!) and he kept wanting to know why I didn’t date more and why I picked him. I answered honestly. When the app shows me pictures of dudes, if they look like douchebags, I hit “no.” Otherwise it’s all yeses and maybes and hardly anyone I “up-vote” messages me. I upvoted him twice, by accident truly. He decided to try me on.

We talked a lot about me, now that I think about it. There wasn’t a lot of turnabout there. I’m not a frequent dater and though I do want intimacy, I’m not willing to go grab just any guy to have it.

Laurel and Ninja St. James stopped by and we wandered on to real topics of Sci-Fi and the like. Beer.

Then he wanted to know if I was still awkward around him. I kept telling him yes all night and explaining that it wasn’t him. It was me. It’s always me. I’m awkward. He didn’t seem to believe it. I’m forever holding back chances from people. I was taking one on him. I let him in a bit. I hugged the guy on the first date. That was huge for me.

My summary of the night was that he wanted to quantify our mutual awkwardness.

We were out late and I had to work early. I didn’t have the energy to get together the next day. I just didn’t. I got home and my body decided it was time to sleep. The following day, I had a roommate interview that went awry. I was moddy and incapable of interacting like a human being. I hold him so. I reminded him of my work hours because I can’t answer texts at work.

He got upset that I couldn’t immediately find time to spend with him. That pissed me off. Then he stopped texting me altogether. Then he started messaging me on the phone app again. That peeved me off. Then I counted the days in total. From beginning to that moment. 10 days. 10 days, 1 date and I was already getting a guilt-trip about not having enough time to hang out. Mind you, there have been no plans. I’m supposed to do that, apparently. I’ve had to work. I’m tired. It’s not like he lives down the street.

When I told him about interviewing roommates, he immediately asked male or female. It was male. Then he asked what I do when I’m attracted to my male roommate. That irked me but I let it slide. I simply answered the truth. I compartmentalize. Work men and roommate men are not men to me. They are human beings but not viable as dating options. I’ve always felt strongly this way. It reduces stress greatly when you just remove that opportunity. “oh ok”

I hate that respond to anything.

My impression of The Quantifier is that he wants to know everything but he can’t. It’s an impossibility. I do not have the energy to be that person for him. I haven’t talked to him in a couple of days because I’m too irked at the expectations I am perceiving. He’s a nice guy but I thought all the guys I dated were nice guys in the beginning.

The boyfriend who checked my face for makeup was a nice guy. He didn’t like makeup and I don’t wear any. The fact he checked, pissed me off. I let it slide. It ultimately didn’t matter. The relationship was doomed due to other factors.

Possessiveness is a curiosity for me. We’re all possessive to a degree but there’s the type of possessiveness that makes the little alarms go off in my head.

Obsessive checking in. Checking for makeup. What is your relationship to that guy you hugged? Who’s that guy who smiled at you?

That stuff. I’m a person who needs space. A lot in the beginning. Or maybe… that need for space is myself telling me that it’s not right. There are people with whom I feel instant connections and I haven’t had a new one in a long while. Maybe it’s wigging me out because I’ve got another birthday coming up soon. Because my father is still tapping his watch.

I’m going to have to talk to him and explain a few things. I’m not interested. Not because he’s not nice. Not because I don’t like him. It’s not a good fit.

I haven’t checked my apps this week. I’m getting a new roommate very shortly. We’ll see how it works.


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