I shouldn’t be posting today. I’m bitter and depressed and my supreme accomplishment so far today is that I showered.
I’m very slowly cleaning my house. I’ve thrown the trash. I’ve cleared most of the table. I’m working on the living room bit by bit. I’ve got most of the kitchen. Most of the bathroom. Most of the guestroom.
Seeing a pattern? I can’t seem to finish anything.
I’ll start writing and then decide I’m hungry. So by the time I’ve gotten settled with food, I can’t write cause I’m eating. Then I have to get cleaned up from eating cause I’ve taken to eating like a dude. No silverware, no napkins, and no plates half the time. Oh, you can do that. No one’s watching.
I do have a plan for today. I will bake cookies. I’m taking them over to my surrogate family tomorrow.
This is why I’m depressed.
I miss my family. I miss them terribly. I have officially not since my siblings, their spouses and their children since last year. My dad came out for my surgery back in July. He stayed a bit but he had to get on home to his wife and his work. I keep in touch by phone, by facebook, by texting. It’s not the same.
I just got notice today that I am no longer in the running for the position I interviewed for last week.
I have tons and tons of people who love me and are confident in my abilities. I am not.
I’m undereducated and overqualified. When do you ever seen those words in the same sentence that way. It’s been a fact of my job-hunting since I graduated high school.
Oh, go get educated then! I hear that a lot. College and I were at war before I got there. It wasn’t a good experience for me. It left all the wrong impressions of college, a college education and the people you meet when you get there.
I didn’t get the experience most people get. There was no community at my college. It was a bunch of scavengers hiding their stores from everyone else at any cost. I didn’t want to participate in such cutthroat machinations. I’d say I’m not competitive but that’s not true. As anyone who’s tried to beat me at trivia… or tetris.
I want nothing more than to just find my Christmas spirit. It’s poked its head around here and there all month but it’s been an extraordinarily bad month with good times sprinkled in.
My comfort zones have expanded. This is a good sign.
My numb foot and leg have been experiencing aches and pains which I am taking to being precursors to feeling recurring in the nerve endings. I want that so very much.
I’ve set some goals for myself for the upcoming week. I will have a roommate ad out by Wednesday. I’ll have safety driver’s course completed by Thursday. I’ll have five applications a day done by Friday. I’ll find some way to get my oil changed and my inspection done by next week. I will clear the guest room by tomorrow morning.
I’ll put the Christmas music on when I bake tonight. Maybe I’ll hear that alien song I liked the last time I made cookies. Christmas and Aliens make me happy. They have nothing to do with one another and yet it’s my very favorite thing.
I remember those Christmases when I was a kid. You spent Christmas Eve doing last minute cookie and ironing. The evening spent at this grandparent’s or that grandparent’s. Cousins every-blessed-where. I have a lot of first cousins. Between my dad’s five siblings, that’s 11. Between my mom’s six siblings, that’s 13. Of course, now, most of the cousins are married with kids. They all come along. 13 second cousins on my dad’s side, 9 on my mom’s. The numbers just seem to be climbing, don’t they. Add in us; three girls, one boy, the two spouses, the combined two nieces and two nephews.
Today I’m missing Mom quite a bit. She’d been gone 10 years. I’ve been in North Texas since just after my 22 birthday. I’m coming up on 10 years in the Metroplex. I’ve now spend roughly 1/3 of my life here, 1/3 of my life in El Paso and slightly more than 1/3 in West Texas. No, I don’t consider El Paso to be West Texas. Go there sometime, you’ll see why.
Mom let me play the piano all day long. Not cause I was good at it but because the songs were recognizable and let her hum while she cooked. I really do suck at the piano but I can do a fair pass at a treble clef.
There are tons of good times past and tons of good times coming. I’m just stuck on a bad day.
Tomorrow there will be lots of laughter and good food with good people. I’ll call my siblings and my dad and we’ll chat for a bit between running here and there. Maybe I’ll try to get people to play a horrifically bad mannered game. Maybe I’ll bring my notebook along and scribble some thoughts that may make it into the novel eventually.
Actually, I have an urge to reread TheBloggess’s book. It made me laugh and cry and all those things a good book does. I’ve always got my old standbys. Somewhere in this place.
I’ll have to sing, badly, some Christmas carols tonight to get my head into the good places.
These moments… they pass. Better ones replace them. It’s inevitable.
I’ve rambled on enough for today.
Merry Christmas, ya’ll. Hug the ones you’re with.