Biding Time

One thing that people always say about me is that I have an abundance of patience and I need to share it.

It has its moments. In my former job, it’s what saved my bacon over and over and yet over again. I can wait for some things. Water to boil. Hard and fast deadlines.

I’ve spent the day applying for jobs, researching companies in case I get an interview. Making a playlist instead of working on the new (and awesome!) novel I want to write. I’ve avoided the phone like the plague today. No particular reason. No one called me back but I did miss an update from the mechanic. Car’s still on track to be ready Friday. I still have not the funds to pay for this without missing, oh say… my car note payment.

It’s one of those things.

I actually needed to talk to the mechanic but today was a day of avoidance. And some oddly ADD behavior. I watched a few episodes of this show, a few episodes of that show. I finished the epic playlist I started yesterday and I’m not really sure why. It’s not cohesive and it doesn’t set a particular mood and it doesn’t even go with what I’m trying to write.

I didn’t take the trash out again though I planned to over and over and over again. I didn’t even go near the front door because it felt like a day where it would cause some anxiety. By some, I mean that heart-fluttering, nausea-inducing shit that keeps me from joining the human race in this quest we call life.

I didn’t clean the house like I said I was going to do since Thursday. Okay, so I swept the bathroom. It counts as cleaning. It’s not what I intended to do today.

It’s been an attitude of general annoyance. For no reason. Just annoyed with myself and the world and the fictional characters I created. I put them on a time out. I’ll deal with them later. I spend a lot of time in my head. I need to go outside. Practice some exposure therapy. Tomorrow I have to go outside. I’ve made plans for it. So I should maximize my outside time.

It’s horrible I have to meter it out that way but meltdowns and tired are two different things. I don’t like the meltdowns but I can schedule it for the end of my day tomorrow.

Shopping list! I forgot to do that today. I’ll do it now, I swear.

This woman needs routine in her life and it’s just not set right now. I need my car back. I need a job. I need to start walking. Soon. Soon I will have all these things. I just have to be patient.


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