It’s safe to say I haven’t had a week this shitty since early 2009.
I had my wallet stolen. I wrecked my car. I lost a corporate thing-a-ma-jig. All on top of the worst work week in my 5 year history with the company. I’ve got clients going crazy left and right. I’ve got staff shortages. I’ve got impossible deadlines and an enormous caseload.
I’ve never in my life wanted to be fired so much before. It’s a challenge on a good day. The bad days are full of caffeine, bad food, mind-numbing migraines and a feeling of dread.
I’ve got lovely friends and coworkers who understand that it’s all stressing me out to levels that I’ve never hit before. Somehow I’m still functioning. My family is holding me up from afar. I love that they do that.
Just quit? I’ve never done that in my life without a good reason and frankly I have quit for less reason that I have now. Maybe I won’t because that’s what people would expect. I can be frustratingly ornery. Maybe it’s the Texan in me.
Overworked, under-appreciated and underpaid. That’s my mantra these days.
I don’t want to feel like this. Like the world is caving in and spinning out of grasp and maybe I should have gone to a doc for a prescription because I must be sedated.
I’d rather have a drink, read a book, watch a movie and have the ability to pay attention to it. I’d rather take a hot shower and go on a blind date. (If you know me, you know that’s a fucking miracle). I’d rather walk the dark street of town without my machete and feel perfectly fine. It’s a pretty night out.
I’d rather do almost anything than feel like this right now.
I’m told I’m the master of handling this feeling. I’ve been through a lot. I’ve managed to keep it together. Something in me doesn’t let me stop.
It’d be fine except that I need it all to stop so I can catch my breath.
Just a whole weekend to watch Supernatural reruns or read the latest C.E. Murphy book or HELL, get to work on my own novel that I’ll never finish at this rate. I’d LOVE to go watch Red Dawn because I’d expected to have done that already… except that I couldn’t. I’ve been strapped to my desk. I’ve been on the phone talking to insurance people. I’ve been on the internet researching identity theft. I’ve been writing never-ending documents for work.
Or have a chance to really listen to the albums I’ve bought recently! Crap! It sucks.
I know they all say that “everything happens for a reason” or “the Lord only gives you as much as you can handle” or “this too shall pass.”
I’m done with it. I just want to be able to sleep without being afraid I’ll miss a call. I want to be able to have time to file my police report so I can get my security back. I just need to rest.
I need to recharge.
I need to regain control.
I hope I wake up Wednesday feeling better but the pit in my stomach suggests that I should brace myself instead.