Deadlines

Given a deadline, I can generally work things out to make it happen. My paycheck is dependent on things like this. So… I have a life deadline. It’s going to scare the crap out of me and for some ungodly reason, I put the process into motion today.

My company decided to get us an excellent discount on a gym. I’ve asked around, it’s a really good deal. I’ll have 24-hour access to all the machine my heart desires with a low monthly payment as well as free access to all the classes. I’m not done reading the fine print but it’s pretty sweet.

After my surgery, I’ve yet to regain full use of my right leg. What? What does that mean? It means that I walk with a limp and my normal brisk pace is not normal or brisk. My anterior ankle muscles respond to requests but the posterior do not. I don’t have feeling in the outer three toes, nor the pad of the foot that is attached. My calf spasms from time to time and goes completely numb other times. My knee is holding up but there are times when my outer thigh is non-responsive. It creates issues when I walk.

Why pay for a gym rather than walk around my complex?

It’s simply complicated. I hate people. I do. I don’t know why. They just get on my nerves. I’m a lovely person. I’m friendly. Not too terribly shy but I get overwhelmed easily. It’s become a nice little anxiety problem. I don’t like going places where I don’t know people or am not familiar with the protocols involved. It freaks me out and sometimes I have panic attacks when a familiar place becomes too crowded with people I don’t know.

I don’t walk around my complex because I can’t stand half my neighbors and I don’t want to interact with them any more than I have to. I’ve met some nice people by the by and someday maybe I’ll chat with one or two of them. I’m also really self-conscious about the limp. It’s so not sexy, not that my normal robotic walk was any sexier but this is really freaking my shit out. I’m also scared I’ll fall on my face and no one will find me.

So, we signed up for this gym. We had to pay today, sign our contracts, yadda, yadda. It doesn’t open for a WHILE. It gives me about a month to get up the nerve to dress in work-out clothes and go to a public place where strangers can see me walk and probably jiggle and possibly fall on my face. I have a month to get the panic attacks out of my system and just do it. I have to lose weight. I have to exercise and I have to regain use of my leg.

So, this deadline is already sending unease creeping up my spine and I’ve only had the membership since lunch.

I’m also told this particular gym tends to attract meat-heads. I met the owner. He’s a meat-head. But nice. I think I can deal with it. I just have to get it together. I used to do things. In public. With Strangers. Guess all those bad boyfriends and awful roommates have done a number on my coping skills.

Wish me luck!

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