It’s May!!!

It’s been another long while. The never-ending roller-coaster keeps me inside my head too much.

I celebrated my birthday very nearly on my birthday for the first time in forever. At least I didn’t spend it alone. I got some friends from works, as they were the only ones interested, and we went out for a few hours to imbibe and eat and chatter and it was good. I enjoyed myself. I didn’t let myself get melancholy.

The ensuing weeks have been more down than up. I find myself finding reasons to go into work because I compartmentalize very well at work. I am a professional and I don’t drag my personal stuff there. So, in an effort to not deal with my personal stuff, I’ve taken to working six days a week and staying later at work… only…

Only about two days before my birthday, Miranda came back to work in our office. She was not invited to my birthday celebration as that was reserved for people I wanted to be around. She immediately started in on Gloria. She’s attempted to dig in at me but I haven’t let her. I’ve taken the approach as I’ve won before she starts so that she can’t cut too deep. It seems to be working but we get constantly punished for things that are not work related. If I go for drinks with Gloria, Miranda demands to know why she wasn’t invited. Not from me, from Gloria. She got snippy with everyone when she found out my birthday was a night out and she wasn’t invited. We went for drinks Wednesday night, just Miranda, myself, “Felix” who is a relatively new supervisor, Miranda’s kid and sister and one of her friends. It wasn’t fancy, it wasn’t special, it was $1.50 nachos and $4.50 margarita pitchers at Taco Cabana. It was specifically to detox from Miranda’s reign of terror… so NO, she wasn’t invited.

I do feel bad that she feels left out, however, given her behavior on a daily basis… I can’t bring myself to want to spend a single moment that I don’t get paid to with her. That’s the long and short of it. You can’t choose your colleagues most of the time. You can make the best of it and I’m cordial and I try to deflate the dispatcher’s efforts to be jerks to her. But that ends the second I clock out. I got enough shit in my life to allow her into my time off the clock.

Work is fine. I love my job. I love doing my job. She creates an inconvenience when she starts in on wanting to be “in on things” that don’t have to do with work. Maybe she’s lonely but I understood that she’s got friends of her own. A family of her own.

I don’t have friends these days. I don’t know where they went. I got Gloria, my senior supervisor, Plato, our asst manager, Felix, our new supervisor who’s doing weird things so I’m on the fence about him, and “Andrea” our on-boarding manager. I never hang out with any of them alone. We always go out in some combination that makes me feel safe (they are not privy to my agoraphobia as it pertains to my day to day) and we don’t usually get to talking about anything but work until the drink has set in. Occasionally some dispatchers come out but it’s not anything that is life changing.

My day to day is pain, low-level pain pills, herbal mood stabilizers and sleep. That’s it. I’m not happy. I’m depressed much of the time. I’m not dating. I just want to make it through the day without collapsing into a thousand pieces. When I’m not at work, all I feel is total and utter exhaustion. I never leave my apartment without a purpose. I have all my food delivered to me unless it’s something I can’t seem to do without. Thank Texas Tea for getting me out of the house every other day to get my fix of Peach Tea or Pecos Cantaloupe White Tea. Takes me a week to throw the garbage and I never leave without my headphones. The quiet of the real world makes my skin crawl.

I have no desire to find out why my friends aren’t speaking to me. I have no desire to talk to my family. I bury my waking hours in work or mindless TV binging. I’ll even sleep 14 hours a day if it gets my brain to stop for a day. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to go to the movies. There’s an Avengers movie out that I want to watch but I can’t drum up the energy to arrange a ride there.

In between those days of just mind-numbing sadness. I get these singular days full of energy. Maybe once a week. Random days. I always think that I’m better. I push past my limits and then pay for it for days afterward with more exhaustion.

I have renewed my efforts to get my moods under control. Try not to read too much into anything anyone is doing around me. It’s the only way I can keep my sanity. I do feel like there’s a spiral unlike any that I’ve had before just around any bend… for all I know, I’m already on it. Keeping out of the bottle unless it’s social. Hell, I’m not even using OTC painkillers today even though I probably should cause I’ve been able to feel each and every vertebrae screaming since I woke up six hours ago.

Maybe I will get off the porch today. Maybe I will find a way to enjoy some of my life. Or maybe I’m going to log off the internet for half an hour and dissolve into tears that do not have a name. I want to be happy, not sure how to get at it without a magic wand.

Maybe I’ll just fix the vacuum cleaner and get my house in order.

Happy New Year

So, I’m a month late. Sorry.

Life has been… pretty damn shitty.

I’ve been unable to share myself fully with anyone in my life because I don’t want to burden anyone with my shit. There’s too much. It’s overwhelming and I couldn’t deal with it myself.

So, as I feel more capable. Today’s the day. 2015 has finally started for me.

I have some plans. I’ve unmade plans. The gist is this:

I have to get my heath together.

I recently had my third miscarriage less than two weeks ago and the acknowledgement of that, finally allowed some doctors to make an elimination list to diagnose my stomach issues. I have four conditions that will take changes in my life to maintain. So, I have calcium build up in my kidneys. I have an internal hemorrhoid. I have a very small ulcer. I have swelling in my gall bladder.

I am physically capable of carrying children in the future but if I don’t start planning for them now, I may never have them. As I don’t have a partner, I don’t have a plan.

These are the things I know. These are the things I can plan for and around.

I don’t have a car. I might get a raise in the next month. I can work more hours if I so choose. I have more options for rides than I did a month ago.

These are my tools.

I have made some new friends at work. I just have to remember that I am me and I do not have to party as hard as those youngsters and I do have to, I think, make it clear where the boundaries are as I can almost feel some set-ups starting to happen.

There is my socialization.

I’ve chosen, very poorly, for myself in recent years, men that are not into me for who I am but rather who they see when they look at me.

What does that mean?

It means that the last fellow and I started to fall apart the moment we got together because when we met, I was in a dirty sweatshirt, hair pulled back, no makeup and busted glasses. And then he was surprised to find that was my standard gear. That I don’t really own makeup and I don’t have “dress up” clothes and I know more about Marvel than he does.

It’s all really weird to me that guys always say they don’t like girls who play games or pretend to be something they are not but will not take a girl at face value if she strays in someway that was not they are used in girls who play games. Confused? I am.

I’m tired. My body is tired. I want to take long walks but our local cops have yet to catch the rapist terrorizing our fine city. I want to be social but only in my house. I want to have friends, but I sometimes have fears about ulterior motives. I love my new buddy but he’s young and into crazy and not convinced he won’t hit on me. I will always have my new third party with him and she drinks too hard for me but I shall moderate both her and myself. Cause I also broke my phone and I have to throw some money at a new one.

How can I be too nerdy, not nerdy enough, perfectly in love with myself, yet constantly underdressed? I going to continue to be me. I will brush my hair when I damn feel like it. I will wear a dress when I damn feel like it. I will read comics just as much or little that I like.

My Goals: Watch my diet. Continue with the low caffeine thing, get more fiber in my diet, increase water intake.

Baby steps.

Start a savings, work more overtime. Car shop relentlessly.

Baby steps.

I’ve already requested 3 people, not all of the ones that I should but… Baby steps.

2014 had a bit of hang time but I feel like I can finally start 2015.

Merry Christmas Part 1

I’m feeling it this year. I am. I’m in a good mood, one week and counting. Happily single. Happily happy. Nothing is going to get me down.

What have I been up to? No car but I have managed to get some decorating supplies. All hail Amazon!

This was my first attempt at window art. I only had a white chalk pen.

This was my first attempt at window art. I only had a white chalk pen.

I got some of the decorations up.

I got some of the decorations up.

Even got some potholders to hang in the kitchen.

Even got some potholders to hang in the kitchen.

IMG_20141212_121850385[1]

I'll try again when it gets dark but, you get the gist. I'm a terrible artist.

I’ll try again when it gets dark but, you get the gist. I’m a terrible artist.

I got the one string up and it took an embarrassing long time due to my wonky leg.

I got the one string up and it took an embarrassing long time due to my wonky leg.

And that’s about as far as I got today. I had plans to do more but time and tiredness got the better of me. I will attempt this again once I’ve gotten some real rest… or possibly if I manage to get most of the way through this six pack.

Dating Over 30 – #16

I’ve all but abandoned the apps I was using. So… 24 hours ago, I decided to give a new one a go.

Like the others, it promises anonymity if you’re out there liking guys left and right and don’t want them to know unless they like you two. The other apps stated they had this thing but then there would be all these notifications from men you didn’t even see who were “matches” and there’s this realization that every time you clicked “like” those guys got a message. GAH!

Seems not to be the case with this one. I have not gotten a single “like” from some random. Everything has been “mutual.”

It eases the mind some. AND… I am attracting a higher class of guy than I previously thought. I just now put a description. It probably won’t affect it in anyway as I’m not reading them unless I can’t decide in 10 seconds if I want to “yep” or “nope.”

I get carried away with the “nopes.” I’m picky but I’m 33. I need to be.

I’ve only had one brave soul message me so far and it was EARLY this morning. He kept checking on me throughout the day and I managed to glance at one or two of the messages while I was pretending to read messages from my boss. I used that cover all damned day whenever anyone questioned why my phone was out.

It’s a little confidence booster. I’ve got like 10 “mutuals” right now.

But I am also tired. I’m actually supposed to be working on something right now but I was doing half-hearted research and then started playing with the app…

Also… how does one take a decent selfie? I can’t manage it. I don’t have an easy smile that I can just pull out of nowhere. I’m told my smile is wonderful but I always feel fake when there’s a camera. I just… I can’t do the selfie!!!

Regrets

It’s hard not to have regrets. You can’t be the person you are without being the person you were.

Everything that has ever happened to you contributes to the person you are and will be.

I wish, a lot of times, that I had not spoken when I did, had not spoken what I did when I did… and it’s part of the neurotic melodrama that plays in my head hours, days, weeks, months afterward.

Sometimes you dial a number you know you shouldn’t, then you get trapped in a moment where you’re forced to either have the conversation you didn’t really want to have or hang up and be mortified.

Sometimes, you act out. You go home with a guy because you’re lonely and he’s there and it’s okay. Then you think… why did I do that? I never do that. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Nothing’s wrong. You take a chance. You have a moment. You either live with it or dwell on it or forget all about it.

Then weeks later, you’re doing math. Was it 4 weeks ago? Six? Seven? You start thinking about it all over again.

It starts a spiral unless you nip it in the bud. I’m trying not to spiral.

I did it. I was okay with it. I’m still kind of okay with it. I’m not particularly interested in track the dude down. I’m just… wondering. Been to the ER, had my follow up phone calls and I’m okay. I’m fine… fine-ish.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. I think I managed it okay. I’ve talked to a couple of people here and there, people I see daily… more as a reminder that I have people around me who would be watching if something was wrong that I can’t see because I get stuck in my head.

You get ideas in your head about yourself. Having some of them confirmed is not always so reassuring. It’s one thing to think a thing but to have it scientifically confirmed is sometimes worse.

I’m fine. I will be fine.

I’m writing. I have ideas.

I’m working. I’m putting together teams that work.

I have a list of things that I need to fix at home, on my car. I’m getting them done one at a time because I haven’t worked much overtime because if it’s not one thing, it’s another that has me in bed, cursing my uterus, my esophagus, my numb leg or my bad back.

I’m hanging in there. I don’t know how thick this thread is. I don’t know how much pressure it can take.

The people that I NEED to talk to, I can’t see to bring myself to call. I’m letting the agoraphobia win the big things but not the small things. Forcing myself to do things outside of my comfort zone when the risk is acceptable. Making that my routine so that I can step outside it in bigger steps later.

I miss my buddy. Haven’t spoken to him in nearly a month. Everyone has to tell me that they ran into him here or there and then they wait. My answer is always the same. Haven’t seen him since his last day.

I miss my Laurel. I’m spewing randomness into her text feeds but not saying the things I need to say. I think she knows that and that I’ll say something when I can.

I miss my mom. Don’t know what she’d say about any of the messes I’ve made for myself in recent years.

I love my new place. I love my job. I love my friends. There could be more. There just isn’t. I don’t have the emotional room even if it presented itself. I’m not fond of other people’s honest opinions unless they match my own right now.

Maybe once I get my car going, I can get some girls together for a fun night out or something to get out of my own head.

Up Too Late

Nothing much going on. Same old, same old.

Not highstrung. Not depressed really.

Not in a good place. Not in a bad place.

Got some creative juices going. Not doing much with it.

Up too late and I kind of have to be at work slightly earlier than usual. Beating the boss there, and I can but I’m strictly on foot these days til I get the car fixed. I sprained my ankle yesterday. I have a goal of reading some more of this new book before I actually crash. Did I mention the alarm is going off at 4:30am??

Here’s some tunes… and yeah, I’m a little obsessed, a little wallow-y, a little bit stretched between 15 years ago me and today me.

Sherri Miller – Waste My Breath

London Grammar – Strong

Velvet Chain – Strong

SanguinDrake – Get Up and Walk Away

Neko Case – Nothing to Remember

Trespassers William – Lie in the Sound

Cassadee Pope – Wasting All These Tears

Carla Werner – Wanderlust

The Civil Wars – Falling

The National – Lean

Christina Perri – I Believe

Rosalee & Steve Carlson – I Believe

There, just a sample of the 3 hour playlist I made about 20 minutes ago.

When does high school stop?

I mean, really.

Miranda went at it again this week. I just asked if she was okay. She was needing things repeated to her. She was being uncharacteristically grumbly and insubordinate. It was the kind of behavior that causes her to send people home. I just asked after her. She told me, later, she was sick and was having trouble with it. I did my best to be on my work… so our employees didn’t have to see her struggling…

She spent the shift undermining me at every turn, only I didn’t know it yet. One of our employees relayed a statement she’d made about my abilities at our job… or lack thereof. It pissed me off. Then it crushed me. I was at work. I don’t do crushed at work. The boss noticed. Pulled me aside. We had an impromptu staff meeting. She denied what was said about me. Said she’d say it to my face if she was going to say it. Blamed everything on cackling hens. Only, the person who told me was concerned enough to state that she was going to my boss with the behavior and statements.

I know that sometimes employees play the bosses off one another. I know that sometimes things get repeated that shouldn’t.

Miranda would absolutely do something like this. And that’s the whole of it.

She just made a comment about me and my buddy the other day and I told her to stop it. We fired him the same day.

So. Now I’m disappointed in him for being a dillhole who gets fired a day before his last day at work. I’m disappointed in me for letting myself have a panic attack at work. I’m disappointed in my boss for not recognizing that this is absolutely what she does and she picks on me because… who knows why. I’m disappointed in her for not being a fucking grown up and learning to deal in a professional manner at work.

I’m done with it. If I had another place to work, I’d go there. If I had a working car, I’d go for a drive.

I will miss my buddy. We’re neighbors but we never talked outside of that damned building. He did his level best to piss me off every day of his last two weeks. I tried not to let it get to me. I do feel a bit betrayed.

I had to hug Miranda to prove I was over it after the meeting but I don’t believe for a second she won’t do it again. I don’t believe for a second she understands that her actions have consequences because, when a person says STOP, you STOP.

When you don’t stop, it leads to issues. Issues that I will have to bring to HR if it happens again.

I love my job. I love the people I work with, even the annoying ones. I will not be subjected to bullying on a daily basis because a person is sick.

I’ve had my share of sick people using me as an emotional punching bag. My mother did it the last two years of her life. My father did it the year he was sick. Sir Douchebag of Douchenstein did it through our twisted relationship. Captain Weenie did it in our limited courtship. I’m done.

If she’s supernice to me tomorrow, I’m not going to acknowledge as anything but guilt. I’m going to do my job. I am good at my job. If the boss wants to talk to me, I’ll just tell him the truth. My trust is shattered. I’m an amiable person. If you are trying and I see it, I can help you, I can work with you, I can make you better at what you do. If you expect that the world is going to bend over and lick your ass because you just really want it to, then fuck you. Find someplace else to be. Do not exist around me.