Two more days

So, I’m getting on a plane on Friday. I don’t want to. I hate flying but I don’t have a car and I don’t have any other means that won’t take the entire weekend in transit.

We’re celebrating my father’s birthday… an entire month early. I don’t know why. I wasn’t given much choice. I could have refused, I guess but then that makes me the petty one. I had to fight for my flight time and I have to have a stupid layover on the way back.

I stopped sleeping the other night. I had to get myself back on track. I have to eat. I have to sleep and I have to stop thinking that every bit of change is the end of the world.

I probably won’t get to indulge in my hobbies this year. I’m not going to have a car this year. I’m not going to get roped into the family drama. I moved across an entire state for a reason. That place is not my home. It was never my home and I don’t think they ever understood that.

I love my family but… I never feel myself around them. It hurts me and I think my sisters can feel it. My brother is never sure what I’m about and neither does his wife. My brother-in-law wants to bring me home but knows it would hurt me more than help me. My father… wants me married and with children and I haven’t the strength to break his heart so I just don’t talk about it.

I have a ride to the airport. I have means to get home after the trip. That part is set. It’s the trip. I don’t know what we’re doing and what we’re expected to do and I have pack tomorrow night. Most of the laundry is done.

I want to enjoy the time with my nieces and nephews but I can’t really explain to them why I’m not around except that I live far away. My job is far away.

Part of what brought me here was an opportunity to work where the color of my skin and the tongues I do not speak do not affect my prospects. Sure, you can say that plenty of people in that area don’t speak Spanish and are not required to at their jobs. You can say that plenty of people who share my pigment color have good jobs. The cross-section is different. No one will say it outright but when you look like a Mexican and you don’t talk like a Mexican and live in a border city, life is rough. Strangers will try to shame you. You won’t be “the right fit for this position” even if you are over-qualified.

My attempts to learn the language have been met with frustration and despair. I learned Russian basics faster than I have learned Spanish ones.

There’s also my nerdiness. I have contacts at work where I can plug in and express some of that. At home, I can’t. I can have my interests but I can’t share them. The circles are small and cliquey and if they didn’t know you from kindergarten, they don’t need you. I only have two friends from middle school that I’m in intermittent contact with. I spent 10 years in that city and the fond memories are so few… I can’t even see them.

What I don’t want is a fight about my life. I don’t want to stand accused of being me. My plan is to walk out.

Simply walk out if it comes to it.

I’ve never been good in a fight at defending myself. I will fight for others. I will fight for my life. I will not fight for just me.

Anymore, I just don’t have the strength for it.

I’ve grown accustomed to people scoffing at my clothes, my music and my interests and blowing past it. I don’t do the same. I don’t like everything but I never go out of my way to tell someone that they suck, or their music sucks or the print on their shirt sucks.

Every time I go home, I’m just mentally bombarded with all that’s wrong that I can’t find what’s right. I don’t want to sink into despair when I get back. The extra long flight home is already causing the dread to build where I have 3 hours instead of 1 to be in a can with people and not hyperventilate. It’s actually why I prefer driving home. I can pull off and have my panic attack and then move on with my life. You can’t do that in an airplane without freaking people out.

I’ll bring my music for the wait to board and for the lay over but I’ve never been able to listen to my music on a plane. They always make me shut off my mp3 player. They always make me put away my Nook. I can bring a paperback, I suppose. It doesn’t shut out the noise of the world.

Hell, these days. I wear headphones for the 8 minute walk to work. It freaks me out when I walk home in the silence of the day.

So, I’m going to keep breathing.

I’m going to keep my calm and I hope to God I’ll be able to endure the flight home in relative peace I don’t have to show up at work Monday exhausted because I had a panic attack and couldn’t sleep.

The Balance

Not sure I’m actually balanced but I’m on an even enough keel that I’m enjoying myself in general.

Work is work. I had to dispatch the entire day instead of supervise but it went quickly and I wasn’t so exhausted when I got home that I needed to take a nap. Bad news; I’ve gained 40 pounds since I started this job. Good news: I’ve lost 8 pounds of that in the last week simply by sleeping.

I’m trying to stay even so that trend continues. I’ll sleep when I’m sleepy and eat when I’m hungry and go from there. I need to make room for a place to do some… yoga-lite. I can’t balance correctly for actual yoga but some room for some stretches would be good. It would work out the kinks and get me going.

I find myself fixated on people for odd reasons. My protege at work is getting himself over his head with the office tart and he’s been warned so I’m just backing off and letting him find out for himself what she’s about. I despise the office romance. I’ve banned them for myself… in spite of what is sometimes said about me and one of my former coworkers, that’s not a line I’ve ever crossed at this job.

I’m feeling ready to start dating again but I don’t want to go about it the way I have been. Random hookups and drinking with my fringe friends. I absolutely need to stop drinking with the management team at work. That’s just too much.

I feel I’ve come to terms with myself. I am, in fact, a morbidly obese, barren, neurotic and I kind of love myself this way. I could be healthier. I could love myself more. I could do and be a lot of things. So could everyone else.

I miss my friends. I see them rarely. I need to do a deep clean of the apartment this week. I’m going out of town for a weekend and I would hate to come back to my usual filthy existence. I should really stop living as if I’m in a frat house. Job 1 was getting rid of the spiders and I think I’ve beat the suckers.

I’ve been bolstered by the communities online… nearly as well as I was 15 years ago when I still lived at home. I don’t have the direct support I used to… I burned those bridges in a manic episode some 8 years ago. Still… The Bloggess is going through a time and I feel for her. I circled the blackhole earlier this here and it was hell on earth. I hope I never go that deep again. Jared Padelecki and Always Keep Fighting (Third round!) in conjunction with To Write Love On Her Arms has kept me from the brink. Just to know there’s that kind of power and response out there. I bought a couple of shirts around my birthday and wearing them to work and having to explain them gives me this… sort of power over myself. To be strong while I explain. To be calm. To not be afraid that today is the day that I have the panic attack in front of everyone. Just to educate maybe one person at a time about mental health.

I’m looking for all my old joys. Reading fluffy novels at a goodly pace, watching my shows, going back and watching old shows, dabbling in writing when I’m not otherwise engaged, listening to music. Singing. I haven’t belted in years and I’m working myself back up to it. I’m so critical of my own voice that I never learned to love it and my range. I’m starting to really like what my voice does… even if I’m the only one who hears it. (To be honest, I could have a mic and amplifiers and I still would be the only one who could hear me)

I wish it weren’t so hot so I could explore the neighborhood. I’m less afraid of falling than I used to be. I’ve embraced my gait fully. I can tell, by my walk, how much pain I’m in. I don’t feel the pain most of the time but if I’ve got a swing in my hips, my back is good. If I walk like an uptight robot, I’m in for a rough day.

I’ve even been thinking of hitting on this guy I get a glimpse of once a day but I’m a chickenshit and that will probably never happen. I would normally be thinking that I’d cross paths, mumble something incoherent and have to leave the state in my mortification. I don’t feel like that. Just find myself reading into everything. Like, why does he sit in his car until after I pass when he has enough time to drive off before I get to his lane. I do walk very slow these days. Does it mean anything? I don’t know. Probably not. Possibly not. Anyway.

Watching the Hillywood Show Supernatural Parody constantly is helping my moods. I don’t think I’ve even heard the Taylor Swift original but I do love this Deanmon.

So, lessons:

Usual me = 

Earlier this year me = 

Me, this month = 

OR = 

In any case, here’s some music:

Happy Wednesday

Wednesday at work are notorious for just … well, Murphy’s Law.

Today was bad and I wish I could say it was all work.

I woke up at 4am this morning after having slept since 4pm yesterday. I came home straight from work and went straight to bed. I’m lucky I locked my front door and plugged in my phone. No Facebook, no texts. Nothing.

First thing I saw was that my dear friend Ninjamin’s mother had ceased to be with us yesterday morning. Instantly, I felt bad not not staying up long enough to convey my condolences. I know they understand that people have lives and shit but I always feel like shit. It’s my bag. So, I cried through my shower and then got my shit together. I had to get through work. Then my newsfeed fed this video to me.

It was just what I needed. Laurel St James and Ninjamin would agree. I’ve shared it with everyone at work who geeks over this stuff like I do.

So, while fishing around at work for a ride to the memorial gathering on Friday, I was blindsided for the second day in a row. I do have to back up a few days for this.

Saturday morning, I was the first supervisor in the door. My other supe was late getting in and my assistant manager was also a bit late. Not unusual. Only this morning I had several people asking me where they were supposed to sit as their work stations were being moved. I had no clue this was happening. I had to sit through 45 mins of this before anyone could arrive to tell me what I had missed on my days off.

Monday, I was told, no we aren’t doing that yet. Just as long as it happens by Wednesday. Okay.

Tuesday. 9:35 am, I get Gloria telling me that my assistant manager was looking for me. ODD. Because 1) he’s off on Tuesday, 2) the manager was in the office and he knew where I was (as I had just left his office to return to my post) and 3) my cell phone was on the desk and it hadn’t rung. He rattles off a bunch of information about the phone changeover that is happening at 10am. I look at the clock again. I got 25 minutes notice on a multi-pod change over WITH intent to move the workstations I mentioned earlier. I argue that I can’t move the workstations as we were still going through the rush. And he gave me a band-aid solution that would work.

I get ready. I tell everyone in the workstations affected what was going to happen as I write it down on a post-it in a shorthand that only I can read. I tell my boss. He doesn’t know about most of this. I tell him I’ll handle it but I can’t let anyone in my workstation go to lunch until it’s done. Then IT walks in and his plan is different. I relay what I was told. We make it work. I let him know that I will physically move the people at shift change to prevent the most amount of havoc.

Sigh. Took 30 minutes to make sure everything was changed over as planned. Held me up from my main job for 30 minutes. Keep dispatchers from taking their lunches for 30 minutes.

Then the dispatchers who had to change their stations tell me they’re ready to move because they’ve had a lull in calls. I give up. I tell them to one at a time log out, then log in at the new station then call the old station to notify they were ready for the next person. It takes 20 minutes. I supervise.

Sigh.

So, today. Today. 9:40am. I get a call hold that my assistant manager, who is not at work today, has more things for me to do. More things that my manager doesn’t know about. This is after our training coordinator, a woman on the edge of a meltdown at all times, has come crying to me that she doesn’t know what’s going on and that she needs me to teach her how to dispatch out of the new system. She’s been our training coordinator for six months. Six months. She’s training our people how to dispatch but doesn’t know how to dispatch out of our new system. So when the asst mod calls with instructions for change over at 10am… I’m livid. I storm around connecting phones and finding there are no cords for handsets and no cords for the junctions. I find my manager and I let him have it.

Now, to be fair, the asst mod asked if he should come in. I told him no. I didn’t want to see him. I could, in theory, handle the change over. But, I got dispatchers crying they were getting calls for the training class. Now, while true, the training class wasn’t in the station to take those calls and they were calls that were supposed to be taken. I let them have it. When my manager heard all my frustrations, he asked if he should call the asst mod in. I said no, I could handle it. THEN, I remembered I was doing lunch checkouts and I couldn’t do it if I was babysitting phones for a change over. So, he called in the asst mod and I told my Manager that I was going back to the floor and to do my job and if I saw the asst mod, I would punch him in the face. He said that was fine.

I managed to get through the next hour and a half without any contact with the asst mod while I did my job, taking calls, checking in and out and sitting for lunches were needed. Then he tried to talk to me. I couldn’t. I gave him my legit complaints unrelated the phone thing and I began a discussion with my immediate podmate about the above video. That seemed to get him out of the room. He knows he’s in deep shit. Manager and Onboarding manager and I all had a discussion about the situation. I’m fine helping with these things… when I have proper notice. We’re short on dispatchers and it’s a short day as far as supervisors go. There’s 3 of us on a Wednesday. If one of us has to take a lunch to get the other’s lunch, we’re super short. It also happened to be a day when Miranda had a family emergency so she had to take her phone outside several times. So, I was running the floor. We had worked out our dynamic early in the day to account for Miranda’s family needs and Gloria’s blood sugar needs. Had I the information about the changeover in a proper timeframe, we could have managed it differently.

THEN, I had to find with Miranda about shift change. We’re under a no overtime mandate. Our folks have to leave at the appointed time and the new crew has to be logged in. I was yelling at the dispatcher to get up to let the next crew in and Miranda is yelling at me that they still had work to do. This was also true. Here’s the thing. When a company has shift change, there are things you can and cannot do.

EX: If you’re at Walmart and your cashier is leaving shift, she cannot start ringing up a customer and leave. She has to finish her exchange and then pull her drawer. The next person can then put his drawer in and take the next customer. The first cashier does not have to take the entire line.

Similarly if you work at Whataburger, if you take a person’s order, you do have to complete the transaction BUT you do not have to be the one to hand the customer their meal. That CAN be the next shift person.

So, I’m saying that we have two people who have to vacate, a third who has to stay and two people to take the empty chairs. If the calls are entered, our folks CAN get up. It’s bad form but if the boss says leave, you leave. The next folks will have to complete the calls.

I was checking out with my boss when Miranda came in and started bitching to our manager. I’d already run him down on the situation and so I was within my rights to do what I did. She continued to bitch so long, I missed my ride. Then as I was leaving, she had the gall to be sweet and thank me for my assistance… like I’m her assistant. I’m her fucking superior. By a week, but still.

I found another ride home, thankfully. I’ve had my identity stolen so I’m in the process of changing my everything. The ride was important so I could cash my check and pay my rent and my sister’s car insurance. Luckily, I had old magazines and a pair of too small jeans. I gave all for a ride to get my stuff done. Fuckin’ ruins your day.

Silver lining: I have my ride to the memorial, I get to spend time with my Denton Mommy before the gathering. We’re going drinking tomorrow night. AND I get to watch the above video over and over until I’m not mad or sad and can sleep.

Fuck work. Fuck overtime. I’m sleeping in tomorrow morning.

Grrr.

I’m back on the spiral. It didn’t take much. I vacillate between rage and sadness.

I was invited out by no fewer than 10 people. I arranged a ride, a back up ride, a back up-back up ride and a back up for the back up-back up ride. No one showed. No one called. No one texted.

I’m going to be questioned on why I didn’t show. Someone’s feelings will be hurt that I wasn’t there for the grand send off and I can’t bring myself to call any of those rides to find out why they all ended up at the destination and couldn’t find the energy to let me know they couldn’t swing by for me.

So, I’m doing what I do. I don’t have booze so I’ve arranged a date. Should be here within the next half hour. I’m going to be mean. I’m going to get drunk and laid and then I’m never going to talk to him again. It’s not going to make me feel better. It’s not going to fix anything. I’m going to wake up in the morning and not go to work the way I had planned because I’m too angry and sad.

It shouldn’t be a big deal except that I’ve been dealing with people flaking on me my own life and I’ve hit my limit. I have absolutely no one in my life that I can count on. Maybe I’ve chased them all away. Maybe my expectations are far too high. Maybe I don’t think I deserve to have people in my life. I don’t know. I just know that I’m so done for the night.

I can’t deal with people I know anymore. I’m sick of them. If I had the means, I would pick up and move some place where I don’t know a soul and just get lost.

I am trying to calm down enough that while I’m mean to my date, I’m not vicious. I’m still in that mode. Any word out of my mouth will cut deep and no one deserves that.

Breathing exercises while I fix my face and wait for my escape.

Tangled are the webs

So, I’m doing better than I was. I guess you can say I’m skewing up to a higher plane.

I’m still rather isolated from my usual crew. I’m building a new one, I guess… but half of those folks, I can’t really trust the way I would like.

I’ve come on some rather unsettling intel recently.

I’m not really a person to play games. If I say it, I mean it. I really do. So, I’ve hit my limit on people visiting my intentions.

I’m not out to get people fired. I’m not condemning people committing acts that I know nothing about. I’m not saying a thing to a person’s face and another behind their back. It’s just not my bag.

If I don’t like you, you won’t know it because I’m a nice person. If I despise you, you’ll know it by a distinct lack of my presence. If I like you, I’ll show it. If I love you, you’re in my heart even if you don’t care.

This conversation I had, I only remember pieces, the juiciest bits because I was on a cocktail of benadryl and alcohol. I may shade my own words but I’ve never put so much shadow that they’re unintelligible to people who know me. Still, I’ve found myself burdened with other people’s thoughts on my actions or inactions. I am cursed with my own vision of myself as it clashes with others visions of me.

I don’t have a lot of friends and I don’t spend a lot of time with the ones I have. I’ve never allowed a friend to stay in a bad situation if I could help it but we all know there are situations that you cannot insert yourself into. Other people’s marriages, for example, are none of my business. None. I have very strict views on the sanctity of marriage. Your marriage is not my business. Your husband is yours. Your wife is yours. I will not come between that. If you divorce or separate, that’s your business. It has nothing to do with me.

I’m not naive. People treat each other horribly everyday. I’m guilty myself. One thing I will never do, is involve myself with a married man. Will not do it. I absolutely detest movies that glorify cheating. I cannot abide it. You do with your life what you will but keep me out of it.

Manipulating people you hardly know to enhance your own life is shitty. Ex: I have a friend. She’s married to a man who is friends with some of my friends. The case of which that we know her through her husband. They have a child together. I am closest to the child out of the three of them. I’ve just spent more time with him that anyone else in that family. I have no clue what goes on in their marriage. I am aware of some circumstances as it came to be it interfered with my job but that’s the extent of it. I cannot take sides on a thing that I’m not knowledgeable of. After the event, it became whispered that there was an affair, an assault and maligning. All these things had nothing to do with me. I cannot take sides on a thing I was not a part of. Apparently, I have been blamed for a multitude of these things.

I’m so filled with rage that my name was invoked in any of it. I had nothing to do with it. I was background noise at the most.

I hate being judged for things that aren’t true. I don’t take up for wife-beaters. I don’t have affairs with dispatchers. I don’t try to make people fail at their relationships or jobs.

I make mistakes. I make plenty of thing. I’m in the middle of a mistake right now. You know what it doesn’t involve? My friends or my work. When I fuck up, I try to minimize the damage. It’s lonely but unless I’m sure what I’m doing, I don’t involve other people.

On a brighter note, the same conversation is forcing me to look at how I look at myself differently.

I’ve always been accused of stealing boyfriends. Strangest phenomena for someone who has trouble making eye contact with people in general. Once, I cheated. Once. I felt like shit. I cheated on a cheater because, at a wise 19, I thought it would make me feel better. It didn’t. So, I don’t cheat. I won’t participate in other people cheating.

I’ve always been heavy. I’m currently at my heaviest that I have ever been. I have never seen myself as the person who gets the guy. I was the DUFF before I know what that was. I’ve always seen myself that way. I have always been the smart one in the group. Always. One of my friends pointed out to me that I seem like a highly sexual person, just in the way that I carry myself. I’ve been told that I can be intimidating. I’ve been told I come off shy. So that kind of threw me. She said that what blows her out of the water about me is that I look so self-possessed and somehow don’t know it and it’s very alluring.

I don’t know if it’s enough to change my thought patterns but it’s shaken them up a bit. Enough that I’ve been locked in my house for 28 hours straight and spent most of those asleep.

I don’t know how I’m going to go to work and face those assholes who think they know me and clearly don’t. I don’t know how I’m going to get a word to my friends who aren’t speaking to me in order to clear up this confusion… if that’s even what it’s about.

It’s 5am and I haven’t slept and I may just spent the day watching Marilyn Monroe movies to get me out of my own head for a bit.

It’s May!!!

It’s been another long while. The never-ending roller-coaster keeps me inside my head too much.

I celebrated my birthday very nearly on my birthday for the first time in forever. At least I didn’t spend it alone. I got some friends from works, as they were the only ones interested, and we went out for a few hours to imbibe and eat and chatter and it was good. I enjoyed myself. I didn’t let myself get melancholy.

The ensuing weeks have been more down than up. I find myself finding reasons to go into work because I compartmentalize very well at work. I am a professional and I don’t drag my personal stuff there. So, in an effort to not deal with my personal stuff, I’ve taken to working six days a week and staying later at work… only…

Only about two days before my birthday, Miranda came back to work in our office. She was not invited to my birthday celebration as that was reserved for people I wanted to be around. She immediately started in on Gloria. She’s attempted to dig in at me but I haven’t let her. I’ve taken the approach as I’ve won before she starts so that she can’t cut too deep. It seems to be working but we get constantly punished for things that are not work related. If I go for drinks with Gloria, Miranda demands to know why she wasn’t invited. Not from me, from Gloria. She got snippy with everyone when she found out my birthday was a night out and she wasn’t invited. We went for drinks Wednesday night, just Miranda, myself, “Felix” who is a relatively new supervisor, Miranda’s kid and sister and one of her friends. It wasn’t fancy, it wasn’t special, it was $1.50 nachos and $4.50 margarita pitchers at Taco Cabana. It was specifically to detox from Miranda’s reign of terror… so NO, she wasn’t invited.

I do feel bad that she feels left out, however, given her behavior on a daily basis… I can’t bring myself to want to spend a single moment that I don’t get paid to with her. That’s the long and short of it. You can’t choose your colleagues most of the time. You can make the best of it and I’m cordial and I try to deflate the dispatcher’s efforts to be jerks to her. But that ends the second I clock out. I got enough shit in my life to allow her into my time off the clock.

Work is fine. I love my job. I love doing my job. She creates an inconvenience when she starts in on wanting to be “in on things” that don’t have to do with work. Maybe she’s lonely but I understood that she’s got friends of her own. A family of her own.

I don’t have friends these days. I don’t know where they went. I got Gloria, my senior supervisor, Plato, our asst manager, Felix, our new supervisor who’s doing weird things so I’m on the fence about him, and “Andrea” our on-boarding manager. I never hang out with any of them alone. We always go out in some combination that makes me feel safe (they are not privy to my agoraphobia as it pertains to my day to day) and we don’t usually get to talking about anything but work until the drink has set in. Occasionally some dispatchers come out but it’s not anything that is life changing.

My day to day is pain, low-level pain pills, herbal mood stabilizers and sleep. That’s it. I’m not happy. I’m depressed much of the time. I’m not dating. I just want to make it through the day without collapsing into a thousand pieces. When I’m not at work, all I feel is total and utter exhaustion. I never leave my apartment without a purpose. I have all my food delivered to me unless it’s something I can’t seem to do without. Thank Texas Tea for getting me out of the house every other day to get my fix of Peach Tea or Pecos Cantaloupe White Tea. Takes me a week to throw the garbage and I never leave without my headphones. The quiet of the real world makes my skin crawl.

I have no desire to find out why my friends aren’t speaking to me. I have no desire to talk to my family. I bury my waking hours in work or mindless TV binging. I’ll even sleep 14 hours a day if it gets my brain to stop for a day. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to go to the movies. There’s an Avengers movie out that I want to watch but I can’t drum up the energy to arrange a ride there.

In between those days of just mind-numbing sadness. I get these singular days full of energy. Maybe once a week. Random days. I always think that I’m better. I push past my limits and then pay for it for days afterward with more exhaustion.

I have renewed my efforts to get my moods under control. Try not to read too much into anything anyone is doing around me. It’s the only way I can keep my sanity. I do feel like there’s a spiral unlike any that I’ve had before just around any bend… for all I know, I’m already on it. Keeping out of the bottle unless it’s social. Hell, I’m not even using OTC painkillers today even though I probably should cause I’ve been able to feel each and every vertebrae screaming since I woke up six hours ago.

Maybe I will get off the porch today. Maybe I will find a way to enjoy some of my life. Or maybe I’m going to log off the internet for half an hour and dissolve into tears that do not have a name. I want to be happy, not sure how to get at it without a magic wand.

Maybe I’ll just fix the vacuum cleaner and get my house in order.

Happy New Year

So, I’m a month late. Sorry.

Life has been… pretty damn shitty.

I’ve been unable to share myself fully with anyone in my life because I don’t want to burden anyone with my shit. There’s too much. It’s overwhelming and I couldn’t deal with it myself.

So, as I feel more capable. Today’s the day. 2015 has finally started for me.

I have some plans. I’ve unmade plans. The gist is this:

I have to get my heath together.

I recently had my third miscarriage less than two weeks ago and the acknowledgement of that, finally allowed some doctors to make an elimination list to diagnose my stomach issues. I have four conditions that will take changes in my life to maintain. So, I have calcium build up in my kidneys. I have an internal hemorrhoid. I have a very small ulcer. I have swelling in my gall bladder.

I am physically capable of carrying children in the future but if I don’t start planning for them now, I may never have them. As I don’t have a partner, I don’t have a plan.

These are the things I know. These are the things I can plan for and around.

I don’t have a car. I might get a raise in the next month. I can work more hours if I so choose. I have more options for rides than I did a month ago.

These are my tools.

I have made some new friends at work. I just have to remember that I am me and I do not have to party as hard as those youngsters and I do have to, I think, make it clear where the boundaries are as I can almost feel some set-ups starting to happen.

There is my socialization.

I’ve chosen, very poorly, for myself in recent years, men that are not into me for who I am but rather who they see when they look at me.

What does that mean?

It means that the last fellow and I started to fall apart the moment we got together because when we met, I was in a dirty sweatshirt, hair pulled back, no makeup and busted glasses. And then he was surprised to find that was my standard gear. That I don’t really own makeup and I don’t have “dress up” clothes and I know more about Marvel than he does.

It’s all really weird to me that guys always say they don’t like girls who play games or pretend to be something they are not but will not take a girl at face value if she strays in someway that was not they are used in girls who play games. Confused? I am.

I’m tired. My body is tired. I want to take long walks but our local cops have yet to catch the rapist terrorizing our fine city. I want to be social but only in my house. I want to have friends, but I sometimes have fears about ulterior motives. I love my new buddy but he’s young and into crazy and not convinced he won’t hit on me. I will always have my new third party with him and she drinks too hard for me but I shall moderate both her and myself. Cause I also broke my phone and I have to throw some money at a new one.

How can I be too nerdy, not nerdy enough, perfectly in love with myself, yet constantly underdressed? I going to continue to be me. I will brush my hair when I damn feel like it. I will wear a dress when I damn feel like it. I will read comics just as much or little that I like.

My Goals: Watch my diet. Continue with the low caffeine thing, get more fiber in my diet, increase water intake.

Baby steps.

Start a savings, work more overtime. Car shop relentlessly.

Baby steps.

I’ve already requested 3 people, not all of the ones that I should but… Baby steps.

2014 had a bit of hang time but I feel like I can finally start 2015.