Merry Christmas Part 1

I’m feeling it this year. I am. I’m in a good mood, one week and counting. Happily single. Happily happy. Nothing is going to get me down.

What have I been up to? No car but I have managed to get some decorating supplies. All hail Amazon!

This was my first attempt at window art. I only had a white chalk pen.

This was my first attempt at window art. I only had a white chalk pen.

I got some of the decorations up.

I got some of the decorations up.

Even got some potholders to hang in the kitchen.

Even got some potholders to hang in the kitchen.

IMG_20141212_121850385[1]

I'll try again when it gets dark but, you get the gist. I'm a terrible artist.

I’ll try again when it gets dark but, you get the gist. I’m a terrible artist.

I got the one string up and it took an embarrassing long time due to my wonky leg.

I got the one string up and it took an embarrassing long time due to my wonky leg.

And that’s about as far as I got today. I had plans to do more but time and tiredness got the better of me. I will attempt this again once I’ve gotten some real rest… or possibly if I manage to get most of the way through this six pack.

Dating Over 30 – #16

I’ve all but abandoned the apps I was using. So… 24 hours ago, I decided to give a new one a go.

Like the others, it promises anonymity if you’re out there liking guys left and right and don’t want them to know unless they like you two. The other apps stated they had this thing but then there would be all these notifications from men you didn’t even see who were “matches” and there’s this realization that every time you clicked “like” those guys got a message. GAH!

Seems not to be the case with this one. I have not gotten a single “like” from some random. Everything has been “mutual.”

It eases the mind some. AND… I am attracting a higher class of guy than I previously thought. I just now put a description. It probably won’t affect it in anyway as I’m not reading them unless I can’t decide in 10 seconds if I want to “yep” or “nope.”

I get carried away with the “nopes.” I’m picky but I’m 33. I need to be.

I’ve only had one brave soul message me so far and it was EARLY this morning. He kept checking on me throughout the day and I managed to glance at one or two of the messages while I was pretending to read messages from my boss. I used that cover all damned day whenever anyone questioned why my phone was out.

It’s a little confidence booster. I’ve got like 10 “mutuals” right now.

But I am also tired. I’m actually supposed to be working on something right now but I was doing half-hearted research and then started playing with the app…

Also… how does one take a decent selfie? I can’t manage it. I don’t have an easy smile that I can just pull out of nowhere. I’m told my smile is wonderful but I always feel fake when there’s a camera. I just… I can’t do the selfie!!!

Regrets

It’s hard not to have regrets. You can’t be the person you are without being the person you were.

Everything that has ever happened to you contributes to the person you are and will be.

I wish, a lot of times, that I had not spoken when I did, had not spoken what I did when I did… and it’s part of the neurotic melodrama that plays in my head hours, days, weeks, months afterward.

Sometimes you dial a number you know you shouldn’t, then you get trapped in a moment where you’re forced to either have the conversation you didn’t really want to have or hang up and be mortified.

Sometimes, you act out. You go home with a guy because you’re lonely and he’s there and it’s okay. Then you think… why did I do that? I never do that. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Nothing’s wrong. You take a chance. You have a moment. You either live with it or dwell on it or forget all about it.

Then weeks later, you’re doing math. Was it 4 weeks ago? Six? Seven? You start thinking about it all over again.

It starts a spiral unless you nip it in the bud. I’m trying not to spiral.

I did it. I was okay with it. I’m still kind of okay with it. I’m not particularly interested in track the dude down. I’m just… wondering. Been to the ER, had my follow up phone calls and I’m okay. I’m fine… fine-ish.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. I think I managed it okay. I’ve talked to a couple of people here and there, people I see daily… more as a reminder that I have people around me who would be watching if something was wrong that I can’t see because I get stuck in my head.

You get ideas in your head about yourself. Having some of them confirmed is not always so reassuring. It’s one thing to think a thing but to have it scientifically confirmed is sometimes worse.

I’m fine. I will be fine.

I’m writing. I have ideas.

I’m working. I’m putting together teams that work.

I have a list of things that I need to fix at home, on my car. I’m getting them done one at a time because I haven’t worked much overtime because if it’s not one thing, it’s another that has me in bed, cursing my uterus, my esophagus, my numb leg or my bad back.

I’m hanging in there. I don’t know how thick this thread is. I don’t know how much pressure it can take.

The people that I NEED to talk to, I can’t see to bring myself to call. I’m letting the agoraphobia win the big things but not the small things. Forcing myself to do things outside of my comfort zone when the risk is acceptable. Making that my routine so that I can step outside it in bigger steps later.

I miss my buddy. Haven’t spoken to him in nearly a month. Everyone has to tell me that they ran into him here or there and then they wait. My answer is always the same. Haven’t seen him since his last day.

I miss my Laurel. I’m spewing randomness into her text feeds but not saying the things I need to say. I think she knows that and that I’ll say something when I can.

I miss my mom. Don’t know what she’d say about any of the messes I’ve made for myself in recent years.

I love my new place. I love my job. I love my friends. There could be more. There just isn’t. I don’t have the emotional room even if it presented itself. I’m not fond of other people’s honest opinions unless they match my own right now.

Maybe once I get my car going, I can get some girls together for a fun night out or something to get out of my own head.

Up Too Late

Nothing much going on. Same old, same old.

Not highstrung. Not depressed really.

Not in a good place. Not in a bad place.

Got some creative juices going. Not doing much with it.

Up too late and I kind of have to be at work slightly earlier than usual. Beating the boss there, and I can but I’m strictly on foot these days til I get the car fixed. I sprained my ankle yesterday. I have a goal of reading some more of this new book before I actually crash. Did I mention the alarm is going off at 4:30am??

Here’s some tunes… and yeah, I’m a little obsessed, a little wallow-y, a little bit stretched between 15 years ago me and today me.

Sherri Miller – Waste My Breath

London Grammar – Strong

Velvet Chain – Strong

SanguinDrake – Get Up and Walk Away

Neko Case – Nothing to Remember

Trespassers William – Lie in the Sound

Cassadee Pope – Wasting All These Tears

Carla Werner – Wanderlust

The Civil Wars – Falling

The National – Lean

Christina Perri – I Believe

Rosalee & Steve Carlson – I Believe

There, just a sample of the 3 hour playlist I made about 20 minutes ago.

When does high school stop?

I mean, really.

Miranda went at it again this week. I just asked if she was okay. She was needing things repeated to her. She was being uncharacteristically grumbly and insubordinate. It was the kind of behavior that causes her to send people home. I just asked after her. She told me, later, she was sick and was having trouble with it. I did my best to be on my work… so our employees didn’t have to see her struggling…

She spent the shift undermining me at every turn, only I didn’t know it yet. One of our employees relayed a statement she’d made about my abilities at our job… or lack thereof. It pissed me off. Then it crushed me. I was at work. I don’t do crushed at work. The boss noticed. Pulled me aside. We had an impromptu staff meeting. She denied what was said about me. Said she’d say it to my face if she was going to say it. Blamed everything on cackling hens. Only, the person who told me was concerned enough to state that she was going to my boss with the behavior and statements.

I know that sometimes employees play the bosses off one another. I know that sometimes things get repeated that shouldn’t.

Miranda would absolutely do something like this. And that’s the whole of it.

She just made a comment about me and my buddy the other day and I told her to stop it. We fired him the same day.

So. Now I’m disappointed in him for being a dillhole who gets fired a day before his last day at work. I’m disappointed in me for letting myself have a panic attack at work. I’m disappointed in my boss for not recognizing that this is absolutely what she does and she picks on me because… who knows why. I’m disappointed in her for not being a fucking grown up and learning to deal in a professional manner at work.

I’m done with it. If I had another place to work, I’d go there. If I had a working car, I’d go for a drive.

I will miss my buddy. We’re neighbors but we never talked outside of that damned building. He did his level best to piss me off every day of his last two weeks. I tried not to let it get to me. I do feel a bit betrayed.

I had to hug Miranda to prove I was over it after the meeting but I don’t believe for a second she won’t do it again. I don’t believe for a second she understands that her actions have consequences because, when a person says STOP, you STOP.

When you don’t stop, it leads to issues. Issues that I will have to bring to HR if it happens again.

I love my job. I love the people I work with, even the annoying ones. I will not be subjected to bullying on a daily basis because a person is sick.

I’ve had my share of sick people using me as an emotional punching bag. My mother did it the last two years of her life. My father did it the year he was sick. Sir Douchebag of Douchenstein did it through our twisted relationship. Captain Weenie did it in our limited courtship. I’m done.

If she’s supernice to me tomorrow, I’m not going to acknowledge as anything but guilt. I’m going to do my job. I am good at my job. If the boss wants to talk to me, I’ll just tell him the truth. My trust is shattered. I’m an amiable person. If you are trying and I see it, I can help you, I can work with you, I can make you better at what you do. If you expect that the world is going to bend over and lick your ass because you just really want it to, then fuck you. Find someplace else to be. Do not exist around me.

Dating Over 30 – #15

I haven’t really been in the mood to date. It may or may not be the reason my last date went so awry.

I try not to have ideas anymore. I try not to run the gamut in my mind of the entire relationship before we pick up the check. I have found myself doing that on occasion.

It happened with DoucheCanoe but I dated him anyway. That was a disaster and way worse than I could have imagined.

I did it with Captain Weenie and learned where his crazy buttons were within three months. I win!! And it totally meshed with what went down last week. He’s going to be who he is and I’m going to be who I am.

Things I’ve discovered about myself: I AM NOT SHY.

Reserved? Maybe.

Prim? Never.

My old job, I had to hold my tongue. That spell is wearing off. I speak my mind more. I enjoy it. I try not to be mean but sometimes it comes out. It’s a part of who I am and I understand the way my mother tried to temper it. It went far awry from her plan. I became mute.

One of my coworkers compared me to Daria after we’d been talking about the show a bit. It’s not the first time, won’t be the last time. Only difference is, Daria endured and excelled in areas where I just gave up. Not even gonna lie, some of my friends thought MTV was spying on me for some of those plotlines. The similarities were astonishing.

I’m awkward. Most people don’t see it until I’ve accidentally snubbed the bud they were trying to set me up with or the new girlfriend that they just knew I’d hit it off with. Sometimes, I just don’t get it. I don’t read the signs well. I don’t catch on.

Sometimes, the things I have every reason to like… I despise. No rhyme. No reason. Just is.

I’ve gotten some notifications from the apps I’ve left running. No one jumps out at me.

I’m a bit tired of it and wish it were easier.

I’ve been invited… a few times… to watch a band play. I don’t ever go. The crowds. The distance. The possibility that I might meet someone there. All terrifying. I just laugh off the invite and remind those youngsters that I’m an old lady and have no business out past my bedtime. It’s just easier.

Doing nothing is extremely easy. And it’s utterly without reward.

And I have net again.

Geez, I’ve been away a while.

My internet was just installed after a month-long ordeal.

Recap:

I’ve moved closer to work. Very close.

I’m still settling in. I’m in financial dires but I’m working it out. I’m trying to keep my shit together so that I can keep doing so.

Today? Trigger day. It’s my mother’s birthday and I’ve tried to keep from thinking about it. I loved her and that was wonderful. Dad sent his text out. I teared up. My sister posted some angel bullshit to Facebook and I choked up. Then I shut it down. I cannot afford to wallow because that just starts a whole other mess of shit that I don’t want to deal with. Tomorrow is my ex’s birthday and also the estimated due date of the child I almost had. He or she would have turned 5 tomorrow. Friday is Dad’s birthday and I just need to keep it together so when I call him, I can sound like a grown-up.

This was the 3rd appointment I made to have my internet installed. It was hassle after hassle and this company has really shitty customer service. The rep who took my order was wonderful. The technician was wonderful. The TEN people I talked in between were terrible, terrible people but I didn’t have any options given my geographic location as there’s only one company who will come out to this place. I finally have it and it’s still giving me problems but I have faith that it’s just the first day type shit.

Stuff at work is better. The drama, for the most part, doesn’t involve me. Miranda was talked to and she actually changed before she was talked to because she knew from the moment I walked in that Thursday that she was in deep shit. My only problem with her now is that she’s convinced my buddy “David” and I should be dating. I… Work is not my hunting ground. He’s an attractive and funny dude but he’s my buddy. That’s a line I will not cross. I just wish Miranda would leave it alone. I don’t show him preferential treatment but we have a rapport and it keeps both of us going through the longer days.

Speaking of which. Captain Weenie made a reemergence. He was the dude that had a firm timeline for our relationship before it started and I was too fragile to handle anything more than winging it. He and I did not part well. Well, he and I found each other on a dating app (a different one than the one we originally met on) and agreed to meet up and try again with a clean slate… Apparently, he doesn’t actually know what that phrase means.

The first go round was okay. We met on this one app. We went on a terrible date. Bad food, not enough conversation. We mutually declared a mulligan in the middle. Changed locations and started over. CW and myself had a lot in common. This led to a second date. Third date cancelled on account of my old crazy job. On our actual third date, I met half of his friends. I wasn’t expecting it. I introduced him to Laurel and Ninjamin. They liked him. I liked him. He liked me… He wanted me to RSVP to an invitation that he had to RSVP to very shortly. It was a destination wedding. It was going to be he and I on a trip across state to his best friend’s wedding. We’d only hugged by that point. Dates kept getting interrupted by work, and also some panic attacks. One date was at my place cause I sprained my ankle. He still didn’t make it to first base. Gerald and I had a conversation about it. I couldn’t get it up for CW. We were alike, maybe too much alike and I had to kill it sooner rather than later. I called it off. He told me I had issues in a sort of backhanded manner that left a bad taste in my mouth.

So, this clean slate coffee thing? Not so much. I still felt zero sexual attraction. This is a very horny lady speaking. Very. Couldn’t get that feeling going. Maybe it was a bit obvious as we chitchatted and got caught up on the last three years. He made a snide comment about my focus. Okay, I say snide but it was offhand. Maybe I was distracted. Maybe I was still thinking about the way he took his dismissal. Maybe I was just too aloof. Something about me just set him off. Now, on his good days, his voice is still softer than mine… it was kind of funny. I didn’t mean to laugh. I did. Just a little. It was fuckin’ adorable. He stormed out. I finished my coffee and then went to a movie. I had a better time at the movie by myself.

I usually do.

So Captain Weenie and I were not meant to be.

So… maybe I do have a habit of emasculating men but I do adore them. I like them a lot.

Shrug.

I’m just gonna buy some birds and become a crazy bird lady.

Songs of the Week:

SanguinDrake – Get Up And Walk Away

Kacey Musgraves – The Trailer Song

The Darkness – I Believe in Thing Called Love

Rosalee and Steve Carlson – I Believe

Anna Kendrick – Cups

Grant Lee Buffalo – Demon Called Deception

Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should Have Come Over

Lana Del Ray – Once Upon A Dream

SanguinDrake – Instant Gratification

Cyndi Lauper – Time After Time