Dating Over 30 – #16

I’ve all but abandoned the apps I was using. So… 24 hours ago, I decided to give a new one a go.

Like the others, it promises anonymity if you’re out there liking guys left and right and don’t want them to know unless they like you two. The other apps stated they had this thing but then there would be all these notifications from men you didn’t even see who were “matches” and there’s this realization that every time you clicked “like” those guys got a message. GAH!

Seems not to be the case with this one. I have not gotten a single “like” from some random. Everything has been “mutual.”

It eases the mind some. AND… I am attracting a higher class of guy than I previously thought. I just now put a description. It probably won’t affect it in anyway as I’m not reading them unless I can’t decide in 10 seconds if I want to “yep” or “nope.”

I get carried away with the “nopes.” I’m picky but I’m 33. I need to be.

I’ve only had one brave soul message me so far and it was EARLY this morning. He kept checking on me throughout the day and I managed to glance at one or two of the messages while I was pretending to read messages from my boss. I used that cover all damned day whenever anyone questioned why my phone was out.

It’s a little confidence booster. I’ve got like 10 “mutuals” right now.

But I am also tired. I’m actually supposed to be working on something right now but I was doing half-hearted research and then started playing with the app…

Also… how does one take a decent selfie? I can’t manage it. I don’t have an easy smile that I can just pull out of nowhere. I’m told my smile is wonderful but I always feel fake when there’s a camera. I just… I can’t do the selfie!!!

Regrets

It’s hard not to have regrets. You can’t be the person you are without being the person you were.

Everything that has ever happened to you contributes to the person you are and will be.

I wish, a lot of times, that I had not spoken when I did, had not spoken what I did when I did… and it’s part of the neurotic melodrama that plays in my head hours, days, weeks, months afterward.

Sometimes you dial a number you know you shouldn’t, then you get trapped in a moment where you’re forced to either have the conversation you didn’t really want to have or hang up and be mortified.

Sometimes, you act out. You go home with a guy because you’re lonely and he’s there and it’s okay. Then you think… why did I do that? I never do that. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Nothing’s wrong. You take a chance. You have a moment. You either live with it or dwell on it or forget all about it.

Then weeks later, you’re doing math. Was it 4 weeks ago? Six? Seven? You start thinking about it all over again.

It starts a spiral unless you nip it in the bud. I’m trying not to spiral.

I did it. I was okay with it. I’m still kind of okay with it. I’m not particularly interested in track the dude down. I’m just… wondering. Been to the ER, had my follow up phone calls and I’m okay. I’m fine… fine-ish.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. I think I managed it okay. I’ve talked to a couple of people here and there, people I see daily… more as a reminder that I have people around me who would be watching if something was wrong that I can’t see because I get stuck in my head.

You get ideas in your head about yourself. Having some of them confirmed is not always so reassuring. It’s one thing to think a thing but to have it scientifically confirmed is sometimes worse.

I’m fine. I will be fine.

I’m writing. I have ideas.

I’m working. I’m putting together teams that work.

I have a list of things that I need to fix at home, on my car. I’m getting them done one at a time because I haven’t worked much overtime because if it’s not one thing, it’s another that has me in bed, cursing my uterus, my esophagus, my numb leg or my bad back.

I’m hanging in there. I don’t know how thick this thread is. I don’t know how much pressure it can take.

The people that I NEED to talk to, I can’t see to bring myself to call. I’m letting the agoraphobia win the big things but not the small things. Forcing myself to do things outside of my comfort zone when the risk is acceptable. Making that my routine so that I can step outside it in bigger steps later.

I miss my buddy. Haven’t spoken to him in nearly a month. Everyone has to tell me that they ran into him here or there and then they wait. My answer is always the same. Haven’t seen him since his last day.

I miss my Laurel. I’m spewing randomness into her text feeds but not saying the things I need to say. I think she knows that and that I’ll say something when I can.

I miss my mom. Don’t know what she’d say about any of the messes I’ve made for myself in recent years.

I love my new place. I love my job. I love my friends. There could be more. There just isn’t. I don’t have the emotional room even if it presented itself. I’m not fond of other people’s honest opinions unless they match my own right now.

Maybe once I get my car going, I can get some girls together for a fun night out or something to get out of my own head.

Up Too Late

Nothing much going on. Same old, same old.

Not highstrung. Not depressed really.

Not in a good place. Not in a bad place.

Got some creative juices going. Not doing much with it.

Up too late and I kind of have to be at work slightly earlier than usual. Beating the boss there, and I can but I’m strictly on foot these days til I get the car fixed. I sprained my ankle yesterday. I have a goal of reading some more of this new book before I actually crash. Did I mention the alarm is going off at 4:30am??

Here’s some tunes… and yeah, I’m a little obsessed, a little wallow-y, a little bit stretched between 15 years ago me and today me.

Sherri Miller – Waste My Breath

London Grammar – Strong

Velvet Chain – Strong

SanguinDrake – Get Up and Walk Away

Neko Case – Nothing to Remember

Trespassers William – Lie in the Sound

Cassadee Pope – Wasting All These Tears

Carla Werner – Wanderlust

The Civil Wars – Falling

The National – Lean

Christina Perri – I Believe

Rosalee & Steve Carlson – I Believe

There, just a sample of the 3 hour playlist I made about 20 minutes ago.

When does high school stop?

I mean, really.

Miranda went at it again this week. I just asked if she was okay. She was needing things repeated to her. She was being uncharacteristically grumbly and insubordinate. It was the kind of behavior that causes her to send people home. I just asked after her. She told me, later, she was sick and was having trouble with it. I did my best to be on my work… so our employees didn’t have to see her struggling…

She spent the shift undermining me at every turn, only I didn’t know it yet. One of our employees relayed a statement she’d made about my abilities at our job… or lack thereof. It pissed me off. Then it crushed me. I was at work. I don’t do crushed at work. The boss noticed. Pulled me aside. We had an impromptu staff meeting. She denied what was said about me. Said she’d say it to my face if she was going to say it. Blamed everything on cackling hens. Only, the person who told me was concerned enough to state that she was going to my boss with the behavior and statements.

I know that sometimes employees play the bosses off one another. I know that sometimes things get repeated that shouldn’t.

Miranda would absolutely do something like this. And that’s the whole of it.

She just made a comment about me and my buddy the other day and I told her to stop it. We fired him the same day.

So. Now I’m disappointed in him for being a dillhole who gets fired a day before his last day at work. I’m disappointed in me for letting myself have a panic attack at work. I’m disappointed in my boss for not recognizing that this is absolutely what she does and she picks on me because… who knows why. I’m disappointed in her for not being a fucking grown up and learning to deal in a professional manner at work.

I’m done with it. If I had another place to work, I’d go there. If I had a working car, I’d go for a drive.

I will miss my buddy. We’re neighbors but we never talked outside of that damned building. He did his level best to piss me off every day of his last two weeks. I tried not to let it get to me. I do feel a bit betrayed.

I had to hug Miranda to prove I was over it after the meeting but I don’t believe for a second she won’t do it again. I don’t believe for a second she understands that her actions have consequences because, when a person says STOP, you STOP.

When you don’t stop, it leads to issues. Issues that I will have to bring to HR if it happens again.

I love my job. I love the people I work with, even the annoying ones. I will not be subjected to bullying on a daily basis because a person is sick.

I’ve had my share of sick people using me as an emotional punching bag. My mother did it the last two years of her life. My father did it the year he was sick. Sir Douchebag of Douchenstein did it through our twisted relationship. Captain Weenie did it in our limited courtship. I’m done.

If she’s supernice to me tomorrow, I’m not going to acknowledge as anything but guilt. I’m going to do my job. I am good at my job. If the boss wants to talk to me, I’ll just tell him the truth. My trust is shattered. I’m an amiable person. If you are trying and I see it, I can help you, I can work with you, I can make you better at what you do. If you expect that the world is going to bend over and lick your ass because you just really want it to, then fuck you. Find someplace else to be. Do not exist around me.

Dating Over 30 – #15

I haven’t really been in the mood to date. It may or may not be the reason my last date went so awry.

I try not to have ideas anymore. I try not to run the gamut in my mind of the entire relationship before we pick up the check. I have found myself doing that on occasion.

It happened with DoucheCanoe but I dated him anyway. That was a disaster and way worse than I could have imagined.

I did it with Captain Weenie and learned where his crazy buttons were within three months. I win!! And it totally meshed with what went down last week. He’s going to be who he is and I’m going to be who I am.

Things I’ve discovered about myself: I AM NOT SHY.

Reserved? Maybe.

Prim? Never.

My old job, I had to hold my tongue. That spell is wearing off. I speak my mind more. I enjoy it. I try not to be mean but sometimes it comes out. It’s a part of who I am and I understand the way my mother tried to temper it. It went far awry from her plan. I became mute.

One of my coworkers compared me to Daria after we’d been talking about the show a bit. It’s not the first time, won’t be the last time. Only difference is, Daria endured and excelled in areas where I just gave up. Not even gonna lie, some of my friends thought MTV was spying on me for some of those plotlines. The similarities were astonishing.

I’m awkward. Most people don’t see it until I’ve accidentally snubbed the bud they were trying to set me up with or the new girlfriend that they just knew I’d hit it off with. Sometimes, I just don’t get it. I don’t read the signs well. I don’t catch on.

Sometimes, the things I have every reason to like… I despise. No rhyme. No reason. Just is.

I’ve gotten some notifications from the apps I’ve left running. No one jumps out at me.

I’m a bit tired of it and wish it were easier.

I’ve been invited… a few times… to watch a band play. I don’t ever go. The crowds. The distance. The possibility that I might meet someone there. All terrifying. I just laugh off the invite and remind those youngsters that I’m an old lady and have no business out past my bedtime. It’s just easier.

Doing nothing is extremely easy. And it’s utterly without reward.

And I have net again.

Geez, I’ve been away a while.

My internet was just installed after a month-long ordeal.

Recap:

I’ve moved closer to work. Very close.

I’m still settling in. I’m in financial dires but I’m working it out. I’m trying to keep my shit together so that I can keep doing so.

Today? Trigger day. It’s my mother’s birthday and I’ve tried to keep from thinking about it. I loved her and that was wonderful. Dad sent his text out. I teared up. My sister posted some angel bullshit to Facebook and I choked up. Then I shut it down. I cannot afford to wallow because that just starts a whole other mess of shit that I don’t want to deal with. Tomorrow is my ex’s birthday and also the estimated due date of the child I almost had. He or she would have turned 5 tomorrow. Friday is Dad’s birthday and I just need to keep it together so when I call him, I can sound like a grown-up.

This was the 3rd appointment I made to have my internet installed. It was hassle after hassle and this company has really shitty customer service. The rep who took my order was wonderful. The technician was wonderful. The TEN people I talked in between were terrible, terrible people but I didn’t have any options given my geographic location as there’s only one company who will come out to this place. I finally have it and it’s still giving me problems but I have faith that it’s just the first day type shit.

Stuff at work is better. The drama, for the most part, doesn’t involve me. Miranda was talked to and she actually changed before she was talked to because she knew from the moment I walked in that Thursday that she was in deep shit. My only problem with her now is that she’s convinced my buddy “David” and I should be dating. I… Work is not my hunting ground. He’s an attractive and funny dude but he’s my buddy. That’s a line I will not cross. I just wish Miranda would leave it alone. I don’t show him preferential treatment but we have a rapport and it keeps both of us going through the longer days.

Speaking of which. Captain Weenie made a reemergence. He was the dude that had a firm timeline for our relationship before it started and I was too fragile to handle anything more than winging it. He and I did not part well. Well, he and I found each other on a dating app (a different one than the one we originally met on) and agreed to meet up and try again with a clean slate… Apparently, he doesn’t actually know what that phrase means.

The first go round was okay. We met on this one app. We went on a terrible date. Bad food, not enough conversation. We mutually declared a mulligan in the middle. Changed locations and started over. CW and myself had a lot in common. This led to a second date. Third date cancelled on account of my old crazy job. On our actual third date, I met half of his friends. I wasn’t expecting it. I introduced him to Laurel and Ninjamin. They liked him. I liked him. He liked me… He wanted me to RSVP to an invitation that he had to RSVP to very shortly. It was a destination wedding. It was going to be he and I on a trip across state to his best friend’s wedding. We’d only hugged by that point. Dates kept getting interrupted by work, and also some panic attacks. One date was at my place cause I sprained my ankle. He still didn’t make it to first base. Gerald and I had a conversation about it. I couldn’t get it up for CW. We were alike, maybe too much alike and I had to kill it sooner rather than later. I called it off. He told me I had issues in a sort of backhanded manner that left a bad taste in my mouth.

So, this clean slate coffee thing? Not so much. I still felt zero sexual attraction. This is a very horny lady speaking. Very. Couldn’t get that feeling going. Maybe it was a bit obvious as we chitchatted and got caught up on the last three years. He made a snide comment about my focus. Okay, I say snide but it was offhand. Maybe I was distracted. Maybe I was still thinking about the way he took his dismissal. Maybe I was just too aloof. Something about me just set him off. Now, on his good days, his voice is still softer than mine… it was kind of funny. I didn’t mean to laugh. I did. Just a little. It was fuckin’ adorable. He stormed out. I finished my coffee and then went to a movie. I had a better time at the movie by myself.

I usually do.

So Captain Weenie and I were not meant to be.

So… maybe I do have a habit of emasculating men but I do adore them. I like them a lot.

Shrug.

I’m just gonna buy some birds and become a crazy bird lady.

Songs of the Week:

SanguinDrake – Get Up And Walk Away

Kacey Musgraves – The Trailer Song

The Darkness – I Believe in Thing Called Love

Rosalee and Steve Carlson – I Believe

Anna Kendrick – Cups

Grant Lee Buffalo – Demon Called Deception

Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should Have Come Over

Lana Del Ray – Once Upon A Dream

SanguinDrake – Instant Gratification

Cyndi Lauper – Time After Time

Women in the workplace

This is going to ramble. I’m experiencing all my triggers right now. It’s all due to a work thing.

I even just realized why it’s been so hard to cope in this situation.

Premise:

There are four of us who are supervisors; three women, one man. Our immediate supervisor is our manager who is a male. There are lots of management shenanigans that we just deal with. Two managers are women and one is a man. The woman-to-man ratio is pretty high. Below the supervisors are mentors, also high ratio of women-to-men. Below the mentors are senior staff (folks who have been with the company over a year) and below them are staff (with the company under a year) and then trainees. Above our managers is the corporate department. Everyone offices in the same location in a series of offices. There are a wide range of personalities that will come with so many people.

Recently, my manager has had some medical issues. My senior supervisor and I have taken to looking after him and his interests. He’s not himself and we’re trying to shield the staff from his current status. We’re also trying to make sure we’re handling all problems so he doesn’t have to be so involved. She and I are spearheading this effort as our third female supervisor is the self-labeled pit bull. She’s the hard hitter who does everything by the book. Our fourth is our dude who is laidback in his approach to most things to a point but is able to get his point across when things need changing. Too many people. Let us name them all.

“Gloria” is our senior supervisor. She’s been with the company 5 years and has been a supervisor for over 2 years. She’s recently earned her M-F schedule as she’s been working alone for six months before the rest of us were promoted. “Plato” is our dude who ran the department by himself when Gloria was out sick last summer. He and I work the weekends together as we are chronologically low on the totem. I was promoted in January though I was not even technically senior staff but was a mentor so it evened out. “Miranda” has been with the company 5 years and was a supervisor early on but stepped down some point before Gloria was promoted. She was promoted after I was. According to the heirarchy as it stands, I’m “over” Miranda. Miranda doesn’t like that anyone is over her as she believes she is the oldest member of the staff.

A bit about Miranda. She is a year younger than me but lied to me once that she was a year older than me. She likes to speak to Gloria and myself as if we are children. We do have a company policy about “sweetie, honey, darling” and so these are not terms I’ve ever used with my colleagues of any station. Gloria and Miranda feel a bit freer with it. I am always referred to as “sweetie” by Miranda. Now Miranda was tapped by the boss, and by boss I mean owner, to be a pit bull. This has created issues in the past as complaints have gone to HR about her violating space by putting her belly and breasts into the private space of some of our workers. I’ve tried to model better behavior. I’ve gone to other people for advice on how to address this with her. I was specifically asked to address this issue as one of my prominent features is my chest. I’ve also have 5 years experience in telling people how to deal with people. Nothing worked and I told my manager this. She eventually stopped.

Gloria and Miranda have a strained relationship. It is due to their longevity with the company and the roles that have flipped and flopped over the years. When I was promoted, I was instructed to shadow. I was unanimously approved and everyone was eager to train me and I was eager to learn. One of my selling points was my familiarity with software that was slowly creeping across the company that has become our most important operations tool. So, when I was promoted I was put in to oversee the rooms where this software was being used exclusively before it rolled out. When it was rolling out, I was set in each room to oversee it’s transition, despite where I was “placed to post” on that particular day.

Now, I am an amiable person. I’m amenable to any circumstance. Most people think I’m a doormat because I’m quiet but what people who work closely with me have realized is that I choose my words carefully. I believe that words are important. I recognize that “gloating over” and “gloat it” are not actual phrases and I ignore them when used because these are not real things. The terms should have been “sassing” and “sneering” but that’s not the topic here. I am a professional. I can work with anyone whether I like them or not. I am cordial and friendly. When I have to be stern, I am. If I can’t handle the situation, I go up the chain of command. This means that on Saturday and Sunday, I go to Plato. On Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, I go to Gloria. If it’s bad enough, I go to my manager with it. This is the procedure.

Last week:

Mondays are the beginning of the new work schedule. Plato makes it out on Thursday and makes changes on Sunday before it’s published by one of the other managers (usually after 5pm on Sunday night). The changes are always due to terminations and floor issues. So, the trend has been that because the schedule is published so late, not everyone gets their schedule on time (our shift lets out at 3pm) and there is some confusion for trainees. Gloria and Miranda threw Plato under the bus for it four weeks in a row. On Wednesday, Plato work a strongly worded email to management about the issue he faced and his proposed solution, that in addition to all his extra duties, he would also be composing a weekly email to explain his changes, where the input came from and who authorized them and this would eliminate the confusion.

Thursday:

My manager asked if I was mad at him to. I had no idea what he was talking about but I was busy working and wasn’t too concerned with it. Gloria and Miranda were furious with Plato. Thursday is the only day of the week that all four of us are on the schedule as well as having our manager in the building. Our manager asked that I be more vocal in my opinions on where people should be placed for efficiency and effectiveness. I ran with it. I’m just really getting comfortable with this part fo the job as I now have enough experience with the pods and the staff to make these decisions without conferring with someone else.

Miranda didn’t like that I shot down her nomination for a pod lead. I didn’t just veto, I explained that while this person was a hard worker and could get the job done, she skips steps. Not vital ones but ones that are important to vocalize when teaching someone else. This part is very important. Skipping steps in the teaching process produces workers who don’t work the way we want them to. You have to be aware of all the steps before you can prioritize which steps you will need and which you will skip.

I developed a migraine and rode out half my shift with sunglasses (I had permission) and I don’t remember a whole lot of that day.

Saturday:

There was a system crash and the software that houses the billing implements was not negotiable for the entire day. Work was completed but it was not put into the billing systems as there was no access.

Sunday:

I spent the whole day transferring billing information while my manager, in his medically-induced haze, tried to joke around and figure out if I was mad at him. I told him that I wasn’t mad but I was trying to get the billing entered. It was a short-staffed day, as all Sundays are, and there was an overwhelming amount of work to be done. Plato and I discussed the dissention with Gloria and Miranda. We discussed the changes that needed to happen to the schedule. I thought it was putting a good start to the week.

Monday:

The call-ins were overwhelming. Gloria had to send an email out about any changes that were no implemented. She and I had a brief discussion about our manager’s health and mind set. He was in the building already but was unsteady on his feet. My concerns were about him, all day. I told him to stay at his desk and we would get him if we needed him. Miranda came and found me in the room where I was working and asked why she was being “boycotted.” I was sitting in a pod with one mentor, one dispatcher and one trainee. There was so much work that we should have traded out some folks but I powered through it. I pointed to the workload and stated, clearly, that I wasn’t “boycotting” anyone but I was very busy. She asked me this three times throughout the day. I didn’t have time for that. Then our manager disappeared. It took forever to find out he went to lunch with someone in an adjacent department and just failed to let us know where he went.

Tensions rose and there was a lot to get done. The software issues continued to slow down billing but the productivity never slowed so the remaining billing just kept piling up.

Every Monday, the same thing happens as shiftchange. I get caught at a desk and when the relief comes, I go to Miranda and ask if she needs help. She always says “You know, I’ve got this. I don’t need anything. It’s 2:30pm, you can go.” Then I turn to our manager and let him know I’m leaving.

This particular Monday, it was 3pm before I could get up from my desk. Shift change was happening rapidly and successfully. I walked the floor three times. I saw that Miranda had everything under control and I could not find my manager, I checked out with the next shift manager. I got a text from Gloria just before 7pm saying that Miranda texted her to say that we ditched her. First off, there is no “ditching.” The work that I was responsible for was completed and I checked out with a manager after making sure everything was going okay. That is my job and the protocol. It turns out Gloria had to do the same thing I did.

Tuesday:

We all got an email from our manager in all caps that we were not to leave the building without his express permission ever. Then we got an email from Miranda stating that she didn’t mean to get us in trouble. It caused immediate chaos. Bossman was not in the office all day due to his illness. Miranda was stalking Gloria. I was WORKING. I was trying to get on top of the billing issues and Miranda was demanding to know, on the floor, why I wasn’t talking to her. I was BUSY. I was WORKING.

I went to work dressed in a button shirt over a tank top and slacks. I was so uncomfortable with the energy and the situation, that I put on a hoodie. Did I mention it’s Texas and also summer? A zipped up hoodie, all day. At one point, I looked so distraught that my buddy (a mentor and replacement for my previous position) had to keep telling me over and over that it would be all right.

Right, didn’t I mention that due to all of the above stress, I’ve been broken out in hives and my shoulders are knotted up and my usual affable demeanor is no more? Everyone on the floor could see that there was something up. Then Miranda came at me on the floor to bitch about being ditched. I had nothing to say to her. I was done.

When my seat was relieved, I walked the floor until 2:30pm and then let Gloria check us out with the boss via text as he was still not present. Then I went to tell Miranda we were leaving and she acted confused as to why I was standing there. As if she had not created a situation where I had to supplicate myself to her in order to leave from my shift.

Today:

I’m still knotted up. I colored my hair last night. I tried out some rollers. I tried to detoxify from that situation. I’ve been planning what I’m going to say to my boss tomorrow because there’s a conversation that has to be had. There’s a lot that needs to be said. I’m in a precariously life position and work was my safe haven. Work is no longer that. I have to watch everything I say and do or I offend Ms. Miranda. The situation is toxic. There are changes coming to the company but I’m not aware of all of that. I just know that we’re in a place that will break half of the supervisors.

I was reading an article about how girls are taught to listen and not speak. Generally, I agree with that. I do not speak unless spoken to. I have to be prompted to say what’s on my mind because other people realize I need to talk before I do. Miranda has never been that. She has always said what she’s thought and she always feels like no one hears her. I identify with that only… I never speak up. I started speaking up and it freaked her out. My opinions are not hers and she’s upset that we don’t agree. I often feel this element of pressure to be her friend but I don’t friend well. I got used to be friends with people who decided to be my friend rather than people who I wanted to be friends with.

Gloria and I get along. We’re both single and trying to date in this world. She’s got a kid. I have experience with being responsible for people. Plato and I are readers and we don’t do conflict but he’s much better as resolving conflict than I am. I’m still learning this management thing. I developed a lot of tools for doing my job. On my own and with the advice from my boss.

Every day when I go to work, I let people get settled into their seats. I rush people along with a friendly “go, go, go. hurry, hurry, hurry.” Then I walk the floor. I chit-chat a bit to get a feel for their moods. I confer with my fellow supervisors. I check in with the pods that are busy. Then I post somewhere where I can be effective. Now, I get some shit from Miranda because I default to a particular room. I am most effective in that room for these reasons; when an employee gets really good, we pull them from that back room into the front room. It means that we have a few seniors and mentors that run things and the help is always coming and going. I know all the markets, I can run the whole room from one desk if I have to. I am most EFFECTIVE at doing that.

A previous issue with Miranda was that she be in that room for a week. All the markets tanked. She wasn’t helping them. She was just yelling at them.

I’ve been known to yell, to bark. But I am most known for my quiet manner. That I will take a seat and keep my voice low when I address an issue. I will pull a person out of a room, quietly, to have a lengthy discussion about demeanor. I will pull a person out of a room to address attire. My diplomacy and my way with words are my best weapons. I use them daily.

I feel attacked and violated. There’s this competition going on that I’m not aware of. I don’t know what the prize is. I don’t want to leave the job. I love my job. I love what I do… when I am left to do my job. I almost want to go up there today to have that conversation that I need to have with my manager. I need to check in with him as I haven’t heard how he’s doing.

I do know that if the toxicity continues, I will not continue to work there… or I will definitely go to HR with my concerns about the ability of anyone to effectively do their jobs when they are not at liberty to speak at anything regarding their jobs with each other.