This week’s top 10

Seriously, need the tunes to destress from all the shit.

1. Gold & Youth – Kill the Time ; this is my new listen-to-all-the-time song. Just is.

2. Jim Croce – I’ll Have To Say I Love You In A Song ; Somewhere between Danny’s Song and Fire and Rain, I listened to this gem and realized I don’t listen to enough of Mr. Croce.

3. SanguinDrake – Mandragora ; cannot wait until I get my hands on this album. I don’t have the money for a vacation to anywhere these folks play.

4.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt – Bad Romance (Lady Gaga) ; He’s the best thing that ever happened to this song.

5.  Louden Swain – Something to Say ; this one really hit the spot today.

6. Remy Zero – Yellow Light ; I miss me some Remy Zero and this was the only video I could find. I rather enjoyed the Supernatural-ness

7. Beth Hart – Am I the one ; I sometimes have trouble believing these sounds come out of that woman but I love it!

8. Dixie Chicks – Wrecking Ball (Miley Cyrus cover) ; I love it when someone with experience can do a song justice.

9. A Fine Frenzy – Hope for the Hopeless ; The first time I heard this song, I got chills and every time after, I still get them.

10.  The Pierces – Save Me ; I absolutely love the demo version of this song and I absolutely love the album version of this song. I just… love it.

So Torn.

It’s been a spectacularly crappy week.

I can’t. Even. No.

I’ve been all over the place. Mood swings, falling over shit. I fell today actually. My good foot lost traction and my bad foot can’t compensate and down I went. I had a trash bag in each hand so I couldn’t even break my own fall. That fear I had of walking around my complex and falling down and no one being able to help me… Happened. On the plus side. NO ONE SAW ME. That was mainly because we had a tornado or some tornado-like behavior and all maintenance folk were busy covering the windows of the folk who lost their windows in last night’s hail.

I’m one of those people. I was on my way home from work, much later than usual. I texted my other half Laurel St. James and she informed me of the impending tornado near to my house… and I got this message as I was in bumper to bumper traffic on a bridge over water. I prayed and drove while I tried to find that local emergency station. I managed to circumvent the storm. My home did not. North-side windows at my complex are all a variety of shattered and broken.

I have the worst bitch from Hell as one of my new managers. She’s crazy and I’m going to walk out someday soon. I love my regular managers but that’s just how bad this woman is and really I only see her two days a week unless I go in on an off day. I’m not sure I”m recovered enough from my previous job to handle a person this unhinged.

I’ve been planning to post for a while but… Life. I’ve tried dating a few guys but it’s all blah. We get to date three and discover there’s a significant spiritual incompatibility and it’s just too much. I seem to attract “Good Christian Folk” because I guess I “look” like one of their kind. I don’t have anything against those folk. Devout people are admirable. I’m just not one of them. I watched my family’s spirituality swirl down the toilet as my parents fought about whose religion we were all going to follow. I believe in God. Everything else is just unknowable and unquantifiable. I just… can’t profess to believe in things that I don’t feel are true enough that I would wage a holy war over it. I’m just trying to be a good person. THat’s all that anyone can really try to be. If you need a devout person to share your life with, churches hold single’s nights. That’s where your girl is. Not here. Not me.

Are you spinning yet? That’s only about a quarter of what’s going on in my brain.

I keep getting baby stuff in the mail. I think I briefly researched some stuff when Laurel St. James was pregnant… and I think someone who used to live in this apartment is currently throwing baby showers (I got an invitation to a stranger’s shower). It freaks me out a bit. I have a bunch of stuff in my car that I’m going to take over to her if I can ever make it over. It makes my head spin. Clocks ticking. My neurotic tendencies telling me that having babies is a bad idea. I lost my necklace for a bit yesterday. I freaked out about it all day long. I’m not a person who freaks out. I’m not a person who would stay home from work to look for a piece of jewelry. Most people at work could tell I was stressed but not that I was on the edge. That kid would be nearly 5 this year. That thought freaks me out.

I’m also ovulating. Makes all the moods that much moodier. Also, a lot of guys who are normally on the no-list look pretty appealing. Just let me go shoot myself before I end up with another Sir Douchecanoe of Douchenshire. I’m going to blindfold myself, put my phone in a drawer and avoid speaking to men at all costs. Just for a while.

I have to move. I can’t afford my apartment. I can’t find a roommate who isn’t crazy. I looked around at prices. They all want more money than I’m already spending for less space than I have now. I have less than 30 days to give my notice if I’m going to re-lease or vacate at the end of the summer. My options don’t look good unless I magically get a higher paying job and/or get some asshole to marry me. I recognize that at this point in my life, it will take an asshole to put up with me.

So, on a regular day, I’m thinking about the above. On a regular day, I can handle it. This week? Nope. Can’t handle it. Won’t handle it. Don’t want it. Please, make it stop.

The Losers

There are a lot of things that brings to mind. In this day and age even insults are compliments.

There was this movie that didn’t do so well. It was based on this comic that didn’t do so well. That was based, loosely, on an older comic that didn’t do so well.

I like both the newer comic and the movie. I never read the original comic.

Some bits were changed… To the detriment for the movie but the gist is this:

A special ops team, who follows orders however distasteful, is following orders just fine until the order got so distasteful it had to be questioned. To save the lives of innocents from a trigger already pulled, the team goes into a hot zone to pull out children. There they are warned, by the target and resident bad guy, that they will be killed as well. Extraction of innocents were never intentioned or sanctioned and the team, ordered to leave them behind, puts them on the escape copter instead.
They watch in horror as the good guys blow up their ride home and realize they were all supposed to be on board. Swearing revenge, evidence is left behind that they were on board and murdered. The whole op was illegal and these ‘dead’ soldiers were acting alone.

What follows is a lot of moody brooding, plotting, espionage and explosions as the real missions are revealed, real ambitions are exposed and even more revenge plots set in motions.

The comic is an excellent thrill ride with plenty of twists and turns. The movie is poorly treated by screenwriters but well-acted by loads of lovely people.

I love the movie cause Zoe Saldana, Chris Evans, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, idris Elba and this smoking hot Oscar Jaenada. That last dude hardly says a word but watch and you will appreciate.

Lessons learned: Zoe Saldana can kill anyone. Even with a douchebeard, Chris Evans is still hot. I never knew I liked chest hair until Jeffrey Dean Morgan. There is a place and time for Street Sweeper Social Club. Idris Elba is a really bad guy. You can forget Speed Jason Patric and just hate Losers Jason Patric. Also features one of my favorite bad guys as a Canadian bad guy, Holt McCallany. Used to spend many weekends watching him on my action shows filmed north of the border.

Guys: Zoe Saldana. Shit blows the fuck up.

Gals: Hot men.

Everyone: Funny. Takes you away for a minute. You kind of forget everyone in the movie is actually a horrible person.

They are, they really are.

I once made a PowerPoint to explain the comic to a friend. It was beautiful and 10 minutes long. I love this story.

I kind of want a movie sequel but they would fuck it up even worse. The WMD was changed, storylines sped up. Sigh. But a blowjob at knife point is one of those touchy things even if it was consensual and the woman was holding the knife.

No, you can’t borrow my copy. I nerd it up and either watch or read it every month.

It’s 2014, y’all!

Don’t read too much enthusiasm into that title.

 

I feel like I just climb out of a deep well of despair and anxiety.

Today was a terrible day. I slept later than I planned. I didn’t have all the ingredients for breakfast. I spilt juice on the floor. I broke my shower. I got lost on the way to pick up my new cellphone. Lost in a parking lot. I nearly spilled lunch on it before I got it charged. I jacked up my WiFi. My cat got banned from any room that had workers because she misbehaves and they think she has rabies. My uncle thought my Facebook post was an invitation to chat. My old phone won’t update my new phone’s address book. I didn’t get 60% of my chores done today.

 

And my phone rediscovered an old douchebag boyfriend’s phone number.

I tried to breathe through it and find all the silver linings but it sucked. I work in the morning and I hope I have clean socks. I’ve thought about smoking all day.

I just want to close my eyes and watch SGU on my eyelids. We should have that technology by now.

Also, my face is peeling off. I hate February allergies.

The word of the day is “inappropriate” because of everything.

Scroogey McScroogeface

Merry Christmas.

 That’s about all the Christmas cheer I can muster.

At least I decorated this year. Maybe I just did it last week.

I’m not feeling it. I haven’t felt it in a long time. I’m dreading the day. I know it’s okay. I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be with people. I have the day off work. I feel bad for not feeling it.

I haven’t been feeling much of anything that isn’t hunger, pain or anxiety or incredible sadness.

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been busy. And sick. Right before Thanksgiving I got sick. Everything I ate made me sick one way or another. I started looking for a doctor but after the last doctor I saw for non-back related problem, I’m skittish. My current predicament has brought that last one to the fore… over and over again. It’s dragging back into the pits of depression.

I cry at the drop of hat. I’m starting to cry right now. For a microsecond I had a thought about the child I almost had and never really wanted and bam! Tears. I’m an extremely patient person and I’m really good with kids. I just don’t want any myself. That may change. I don’t really have long to change my mind but I decided a long time ago that I didn’t want kids if I didn’t have someone to share them with.

It’s just one of the many things that makes me feel other and abnormal. I was getting good at not feeling that way anymore. Since I’ve been sick, I have been taking my supplements in a reliable way and I haven’t really been able to take anything for pain so my moods have been all over the place. I rationalize my mood. I allow it pass through and know that it will but it just keeps coming.

I’m going to actually get to a doctor as soon as I can figure out my plan. If there’s not a solution in that, I don’t know what else to do.

I’m going to spend Christmas with my second family. I’m going to miss my family. I’ll spend New Years at home because I don’t have the energy to go out and do something. I spent last New Years a blubbery mess. I spent the New Year’s before that pissed off at the people I couldn’t find. The year before that I was with a roommate. The year before that I spent it waiting for people to call and show up who never did so I clung to the worst boyfriend that I have ever had. None of it was good.

I’m not feeling the cheer and goodwill but I know. I KNOW. I just know there’s going to be a change soon. I can feel that. Good or bad, it’s going to happen and I will make it work. That’s what I do. I make things work.

Dating over 30 — #14

So, I played hooky. I know tomorrow is my official day off but I’m exhausted and I needed a full weekend because I plan on working a lot in the near future. As much as my body will let me. And I’m going to ramp up my housekeeping skills. So, I need to plan and get a head start.

I reactivated some of my profiles. I don’t know if I’m ready but I need to make a change. I was scolling through the messages I hadn’t read. There are some gems.

“Do you have an extra heart, mine seems to have been stolen.”

“If life was a book, you’d be the fine print!”

Cheesy but about what I expected. One of the sites registers popularity and my rose without me doing a damn thing. It’s a little creepy.

I’m trying to just be honest with myself. I have a little crush on a person I know. He’s generally accepted as an asshole and it’s a deterrent but I feel a spark. No clue if he does because I suck at that stuff. I’ve been burned by younger guys before. I just figure I’ll enjoy the company while I have it.

Really, I just want a guy who treats me nice and has something else to do while I’m writing or reading a book and is not going to freak out that I put Finger Eleven, Bob Seger, Madilyn Bailey and The Civil Wars in the same playlist. Cause that’s totally going to happen all the time. I’m going to listen to Harry Potter soundtracks while I read about zombies. I’m going to write about dragons while I watch SVU. I’m going to talk about Supernatural and Defiance for hours. I’m going to recount the events of The Women of The Otherworld. I’m going to rant about Tony Romo and cheer on the Cowboys. I’m going to cry when I watch Sunshine. I will not allow anything Twilight related in my home. Gonna make popcorn to read books. Gonna put onions and jalapenos in anything I can get away with. Same goes for Hatch chile. The coffee’s going to be hot and black. I’m going to eat lemons all by themselves, jalapenos too. Gonna tuck myself into a corner and enjoy the scenery. Gonna hide in the bathroom when my anxiety runs too high. Gonna wear my Captain America shirt in public all the damn time. I’ll lose weight when I’m good and ready and not a moment sooner and certainly not for anyone else’s benefit.

Too tall an order? We’ll see.

Still Alive

I’m hanging in there. Today was a lot less pain than has been the usual. Enjoyed that. I have a lot of preparation to do if I’m going to make my life work again.

I’m composing another roommate ad. I’m getting into a routine, which may mean picking up another shift per week at work.

I’m going to really look at the dating thing as an objective thing. It’s not working and there are fairly obvious reasons why.

I need to be more assertive and it’s one of the things I’m really afraid of. I don’t know why. Meek isn’t the right word. People have used push-over. I hate conflict but you get me riled up enough, then enough is enough.

There’s an issue at work where part of your shift duties is to prepare a list of people who will be available at certain times. You pass this on to the next shift so they know what the deal is, they gather the same info on their shift and so on and so forth. The last two weeks, ESPECIALLY, this has been jacked up and affects the way my shift runs and my boss yells at me because it just really looks like I don’t know what’s going on. And I don’t. Because the information is unreliable. So I did what I could. I talked to the people on the list. I gave that info to the next shift and ran over it verbally. Then I came in early and talked to the previously shift and we talked about the discrepancies, then at the end of the shift, I asked at the discrepancies. This was a process I rinsed, lathered and repeated for a solid two weeks and every other shift pointed their finger at another shift.

Then it happened that a day this weekend was particularly fucked because so much information was incorrect. So I outlined my process and what the results were and I emailed it to EVERYONE. Then, this morning, I presented the previous shift info, the actual schedule and how it was inaccurate to my boss. I’m clear. I have done my job and then some. Other shifts are going to hate me but their fuck-ups have affected my ability to do my job for the last time. Two WHOLE weeks of chances to get it the fuck right.

I’m pretty humble, really. I know I’m not the best at my job. I know that there are loads of better people. The difference between me and what I do and what other people do is in the results. Our contacts are nicer to me because I am nice to them, even when they fuck up. I consistently thank people for a job well done and I kindly suggest changes when it isn’t. I don’t want to be yelled at. I don’t want to be bitched at. I don’t want to be accused of doing something I didn’t or conversely of not doing something I should. So I make sure it’s done and it’s done right to the best of my ability.

A lot of the people I work with, this is the hardest job they have ever had. Sometimes, they lord it over me that they have higher numbers or better accuracy or lower deadline busts. When they get to high and mighty, I remind them that I used to do a job similar and then some. By some, I mean I was accounting and manager and supervisor and programmer and designer and marketer and I wrote the rules and I dealt with patients and the families and I covered everyone’s asses at the same time.

This job lets me have a bit of focus. It’s just one avenue. My boss keeps telling me that I could be getting a promotion if things keep improving. Admittedly, that scares the shit out of me. I don’t think there’s much money involved in that but all extra money is welcome. I just left a job where I was the be-all and end-all. I’m not looking forward to having that much responsibility again. But those are the jobs that kind of… find me.

When I was at Whataburger, I wasn’t there long enough to get a promotion but I was there long enough to see some long-term employees get canned. At the Library, I got the entire library on a barcode system. When I worked at DQ, I was the shift manager even though we really didn’t have one of those and there were employees who had been there for years (I was there a year). At the hotel, I was the one who straightened out guest snafus over three other employees who were technically the ones who were supposed to have that job. At the residential care, I was the low man on the totem-pole, timewise, but had all the procurement cards. Then came my last job where I was under-educated and under-qualified but made it my own for five years giving high quality service… when I had the proper tools to do so.

There’s the big thing. Having the tools to do your job is important and so many companies just want you to make do. There are just some things you can’t make do without. There’s where I put my foot down and that’s why I was fired.

My anxiety about it is becoming less. Mostly because I feel comfortable enough to gripe out my cohorts because things they do make other people want to call me on the carpet. So I cover for everyone and light everyone else up. I try to be nice about it. I’m not an ogre.

Sigh.

I hate needing people. It’s just… something I hate doing, it’s also why my relationships don’t last long. I don’t NEED that person. I just barely WANT that person. I’d rather be on my own. I know that everyone needs someone but I haven’t found that person I Want AND Need. I also haven’t been looking very hard.